i love fall…usually. oddly enough, though, i really kinda wish it would just get on with it already!!…. which is so strange and out of character for me. its all just so beautiful and wonderful and…breathtaking. maybe thats the problem. its all so breathtaking and….
i just wanna breathe.
i opened the curtains this morning and ate breakfast staring at the trees, gold and the dark tree limbs, already semi bare, making a stark contrast compared to the blue sky. which make it seem all the brighter and bluer. its tough…the colder seasons make me wish i wasnt alone. i erase, regretfully, the words of love. scribbled out on paper is my heart, for you. waiting, for you. but i am sick of walking around empty! i am sick of being alone, and empty because i have left my heart out for you to find it, even when it seems you never will. but there is nothing i can do! i am hurt and lonely. i need you and so i am willing to do whatever i have to to even have a shot at you loving me back. because, then, only then, will i get my heart back, whole. <3 i love you. i need you here. to protect me. to just hold me. that is all i am asking for. you to love and hold and protect me. if i had you in my life, on my side, i feel like no one could ever hurt me.
but…that's what God is for…right? i need to see that. i need to believe that. why should i still be longing for you when He is right here and can be everything i need? if, even with Him here, there is still people hurting me, how could it be any different or better with you? no…i need to make a decision for me. people are stupid and people are idiots and they are always gonna try and hurt you. i need to make a conscious decision to say, "no, you're not gonna hurt me!" and make it that way.
maybe you can't solve all my problems, not the way i'm thinking anyways…..so if thats the truth, then why do i need you so much…?