wanted: a miracle

more like need. i need a miracle. actually, she does.

 ya know, i said the only thing i would go back up there for was you. and then, saturday evening i get home from work and my parents tell me to grab some things and get in the car. and then, that very night, we drive up there. but im not going to see you and i know it. i am going to see my great grandma. who is in the hospital, dying, they have given her 24 hours to live, and that is the thought that enters my mind. "you were the only thing i would go back up here for..." and then, just as is to be proven wrong, i am in the car, going to see my dying great grandmother. oh, and can i even tell you how that felt? of course, by the time we got to the hospital, my mind had completely changed directions. by the end i was crying and that kept up all weekend. i was pretty much OK when i wasn't there, but sitting in the waiting room nearly killed me. i was sitting there, so helpless. this is it. i knew it. everyone in there knew it too. it was really humbling. and you stayed off my mind for the next 48 hours or so. the crazy thing is, as much as i wanted to be there for her and i knew my mom wanted to be there for her grandma and i wanted her to be, and all that, i could not wait to get out of there. i mean, especially as i slept on the floor of her house with my whole family in that one room, no real blankets or cushioning. but it was more than the physical pain, cuz i knew i had nothing to say about that. i mean, she is laying in a hospital bed dying..i had nothing. but it was like, this feeling. in my inner core. i just did not want to be there. how pathetic is that? yea, i know...but that makes me wonder if i could come back for you?

no, wait a second. everything doesn't need to be about you. that kills me too. i always have to make everything about you. maybe its because you are my security. besides, thinking about you, is alot easier than thinking about someone dying... she needs a miracle. i know it. i am praying hard, but its still sooo hard to believe...i miss her already. and i know there are people that miss her millions of times more than me.
so i just started praying for a miracle. i could think of nothing else to pray for. i mean, we all want her here, but we want her to be comfortable and happy. so i am praying for a miracle. i was told that "no one is very optimistic", but i choose to be. who knows what'll happen? but either way i want to know i gave her all i had.

"i made sure

the last words she heard

were "i love you"

then i kissed her goodbye

and i walked out cuz i

i didn't know what else to do

its hard… we're here watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

someone says you're sick of fighting

and i know this is the best decision for you

but you should've seen none of us could stop crying

i hope you know we are all already missin you

its hard… we're here watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

this might've been

my last chance

to say everything i needed you to hear

my mind knows what's best

but my heart likes what's easiest

but that route wasn't to be found.. anywhere

and its definitely hard… watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

"i will miss you. i love you. and i know i will see you again one day, even if you pass away" it just makes me wish that it didnt always take a death to bring people together. i wish we didnt always have to wait until its almost too late, to finally realize...