"Take a minute to see it from my side of things, dont you think you'd feel the same, like you still gotta play for the victory in a game you won yesterday, i shouldn't have to fight for something thats already mine.."

i feel like shes just gonna keep coming around though. no matter what i do. regardless of what i want. and then someone has the nerve to tell me in such an offhand manner that the two of you probably have something going behind my back...O.o

lovely.

well i dont care. if you two have something, fine. its fine. you can. its not like youre all mine anyways. i know this. i cant control you. and i dont want to. who you talk to, who you interact with, who you get close with..all of it is YOUR choice. i know that. im not trying to make that choice for you. and i dont want to. because i never want you because you feel like you cant leave. because you can. please i...i dont want it to be like this. not again. and yes, im terrified to post this. im definitely tempted to write this all out and just delete it. because of what i said before, about my words being held against me. im scared. and i dont even freaking care what anyone says right now. because you know what, you can hold whatever you want against me for the next 96 days. and then? i can leave. i can run. so play your freaking head games. hurt me and then act like you never did. all of you. i dont even care. im so furious right now. and yeah, its old news. its "in the past". and maybe i should leave it there. but maybe im sick and freaking tired of just doing what i HAVE to. what i SHOULD do. i need to do what feels right for.ME.

a concept lost on so many.

a concept hidden by me. 

because i have lived the last 17 years and some days trying to be everything to everyone. i wanted to be liked and to NEVER be a disappointment. and time and time again i watched myself fail, as people walked out and left me. or as people told me they loved me and treated me the exact opposite way. and i learned to feel that even though i was giving everything i had and being everything i could, that even that wasnt enough. well forget it. i dont even care anymore. im beyond mad right now. im sad too, but the tears will come later. 

i sit here in the silence now, because the song i was listening to ended and i have no idea what else to turn on because nothing describes anything i feel right now. so i just sit here and listen to the sounds of my fingers pounding the keys. im typing these words so fast right now. and the worst part, i realize? my entire family is downstairs watching a movie right now. together. and im up here. alone. and no one knows i feel like this. no one. and i dont know how to tell anyone. i dont want my words to hurt anyone else. and i cant ask the questions that burn in my mind because my heart fears it cant stand to hear the answers. the truth. or the lies. anything. ignorance, after all, is bliss. but ignorance leads to wondering. and wondering, doubting, questioning..all of that is pain. sheer torture, even.

"i hate, feeling like this. so tired, of trying to fight this.."