Friday, January 20, 2012

i miss the days i could be honest.
i miss the days i could be myself.
i just realized i made so much progress over the summer.
i read through the journal entries. 
and right up until the very DAY.OF.
i was ok. i was me. not a hundred percent.
but closer than i am now.
im nothing now. im not me. 
im not just hiding.
i literally dont even know who i am anymore.
im filled with regret and disappointment.
im hurt. im scarred and broken and...
just really, really sad.
i dont even know who i am anymore.
im scared. 
ive never lost myself this badly before.
i wanna cry.
but i cry every night.
it doesnt solve anything.
it used to make me feel better.
but it doesnt do much for me at all anymore.
its just like..habit.

oh gosh, i need a rainstorm.
i need summer dresses.
and cowboy boots.
i need loose curls.
i need my best friend.
i need freedom.
i miss everything about who i am.

im watching monte carlo. 
in the movie its raining. 
the eiffel tower is right outside her window.
thats what i want. to go away.
to get away.
to see something else.
somewhere else.
the only thing i dont need?
to BE someONE else.
that im all too good at.
but im sick of it!
i want to be me.

the girl that loves rain.
the girl that lives for feeling things.
the girl that feels best in ripped jeans and a tank top.
the girl that lets her curls hang free, and feels amazing.
the girl who doesnt have any limits.
the girl who loves love.
the girl who believes in fairy tales.
the girl that uses her heart, instead of hiding it away.
the girl who would never let anyyyone tell her who or what she is.
the girl who believes in herself and her feelings.
and, the girl who follows her heart above all.

i miss that girl.

No comments: