still blaming the people currently IN my life,
for mistakes made by those currently OUT of it.
"We need to take it back in time.."
the snow. the sky. everything about today makes me stop and think.
which is never good. when i think, it usually leads to regret.
i think and remember how things were. what i had. who was with me.
and i regret whatever stupid, ignorant mistake i made to ruin that.
and im here alone right now. typing this.
remembering; but also, trying not to.
i think about you. all of you. everyone that was but is no longer.
and i feel responsible.
i watch the snow blow and circle outside my window.
i want to go out and lay in it.
just throw on my jeans and a t-shirt and go immerse myself in it.
let myself feel the cold.
let my tears melt the snow.
i want to feel.
ive been cold. ive been numb.
i used being broken and hurt, as an excuse.
an excuse for not feeling anything.
ive allowed my very heart and soul to ice.over.
and that flows over into my relationships.
ive created some fake surface feeling.
but thats all it is; fake and surface.
a lethal combination, at that.
because its taught me i dont need my heart.
it does every job my heart ever needed to.
and its killed every living part of my soul.
no, i dont need my heart.
i just need to be one heck of an actress.
and i am.
i need to get outta bed.
i need to go make myself look perfect.
i need to hide everything i am with the most believable fake smile youll ever see.
i need to be....
everything but me.