"drop everything now, meet me in the pourin rain..."

i imagine you…like all the time. somedays, there's hardly a moment passes that you're not on my mind.

and im a busy girl. i have things to do..and yet…you always seem to find a way to distract me.

but i like it. i'd be lying to say that i don't. 

i miss you like crazy. i imagine you here with me sometimes. and that eases the pain…a little. but sometimes its so intense…i can hardly stand it.

"how did we, ever come to this? i never thought you'd be, someone i had to miss.." i took for granted all the time we had together. and now you're not here..and i cant be there..*sigh.

this is quite a mess, is it not? but i am smiling even saying this, thinking that a mess with you would be better than perfection alone. 

maybe im crazy. 

wouldn't surprise me ;)

wow…but you see, the funny thing, is that i can change none of this. i wish i could. i often long for the days we will be together forever and i will never have to miss you. 

and who is to say that it will ever go like that, but i dream. i am a dreamer by nature. and you are my passion. one of em, anyways ;) haha, i wish…

i wish you were here.

i wish you were close to me.

i wish you understood..my sarcasm.

i wish you knew how much i love you.

wow, it scares me to think that you might not love me! i just thought about how i feel for you, and then pictured you sitting in your country home…what if you don't love me?? why did even that thought scare me so much?

maybe it has to do with wanting one thing…one person that loves me unconditionally. oh, i know my Jesus does. but i guess i always imagined you loving me that way too. "not in spite of, but because of, your flaws…" <3

love. you. me. together. there's just no other way… <3

"I'm comin home..."

ok, so i am feeling better, compared to the last post...just tired of being second best, i guess...really tired.


but life is life and you just gotta deal.. 


i really am happy...just tired sometimes...worn out. ragged. i need to go Home. i need to fall into His arms. i can feel Him telling me that the way to do this is to open my Bible.. i wonder why i never listen..?? 
but, right here, i am making a pledge. 


for the next week, i promise to spend at least 15 minutes in the Word, daily <3




Daddy...i'm coming home :)

what else is there to say...?

i'm losing it...losing faith...simple as that...

"there's no lookin back, i took off my rearview..."

haha, i just realized it is now november :) its so crazy to think that there is only 2 more months of this year left! less than 60 days away from the end of 2010!! it scares me a little. to think that another year of my life has passed me by, basically. i haven't done a dang thing to make a difference. i made like 30 some new years resolutions this year and i don't think i stuck to a single one. my life is spinning out of control and i am just now stopping to realize this.

or maybe i am just blowing things out of proportion...again. maybe i really do have everything under control.

and maybe i'd be lying to say that.

the truth is,  i have no control.

and i haven't put Him in control either. 

what do i do?? how do i get my life on the track i so desperately want it to be?? i have been trying to get to youth group at my new church. but as it turns out, both times i have gotten up early to go, they weren't having it. why is it that even when i want my life to be on track, i can't seem to get it there??? 

Second Chance

fall leaves fallin and crunching under my feet every step i take

i'd walk 150 miles to come see you if  i knew what difference it would make

but ill tell the truth im scared to see you

just when i think ive done all the damage i could possibly do

broken every heart that stood in my path

i had to get to you no matter the cost

when i lay down tonight to reminisce, ashamed im sure ill be

i remember standin in front of you 

next thing i know we're screamin

i'd have slapped me if i were you

lookin back now i almost wish you wouldn't have just taken it like the man you are

sure that proved nobility i'd be lying to say you dont have the purest heart

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

i know i might not get a second chance this time

2 years of workin up the nerve 

ruined in 2 minutes of hate laced words

i pulled you on the bridge stepped off and broke it to pieces

let you fall into the chasm as i stood watchin

i know what i did was unforgiveable

if i had the chance for a do over

do you think i'd take it

no, now you think i hate you

baby i know i made you think that

it takes a lot of nerve comin back

if you wanna yell thats fine

i deserve it i wont wimp out this time

i tell you say what you need to but you dont say anything at all

and i realize thats cuz i ran away before you even had a chance to even process it all

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one  who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

i know i might not get a second chance this time

i dont deserve it i know

i dont deserve nothin from you at all

baby… i'll cry but that wont ever be enough

i could so many tears id create a flood

but that would just sweep you away

you'd probably drown lookin at my face

and once again i'd be the death of you

and you'd die never knowin the truth

as it stands you still dont know

you let me yell and then you let me go

and that is all my fault 

i took this way too far

and…im sorry

those 2 words never seemed so heavy

i carried them all this way just to say to you baby

but i'd do it all again

i'd do anything just to be forgiven

but you say "you already did enough"

then you slam the door to your house

and im left alone again still hatin myself for what i did to you

im not askin you to love me cuz that i have no place to do

i just want you to know how much im sorry

and i miss you every day more and more

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one  who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

baby, i know i don't deserve a second chance this time

<3

"come on, come on, don't leave me like this, i thought i had you figured out!!"

"you and i walk a fragile line, i have known it all this time, never ever thought i'd see it break...."

how could he know? how could he have any idea? and how is this possibly fair? 

yea, maybe i am blowing this waaaaay outta proportion. maybe. it would be typical of me. i need to get away. i need to think about this. i'm remembering last year. it was a few days before Christmas actually. i wrote some songs. haha, surprised?? 

but i remember how i felt. and suddenly, this is all just washing over me again. all those horrible feelings. i was scared and confused....how do you feel? do you even know? do you have any idea that your whole world might just fall apart...at any second…?

i wanna go sit on the swing in the park. pull my sweatshirt close but still be shivering. because, shivering, you feel more….literally. and i wish you were here so i could hug you. i just wish…i wish you knew i am here for you………i wish i could be here for you. i wish you were here…

it cant end like this. i thought they had it all so right. but you were never a stupid boy. i know you can see what is going on. better than i can, for sure, cuz i ain't even there. but…its like i can see it. and everybody was laughing tonight. i didn't see the hilarity. its not funny. not when its happening to you, not when its happening to anyone. or even has the chance of happening….especially someone close to you… . its just not funny and i know you know it. it hurts. hurts like nothing else can hurt. this is more than the scraped up knee that was a result of learning to ride your bike. this is life. and it likes to hit you hard.

a million and one, reasons why, when you deserve none, all you ever gave me was lies,

its been a while since my last post...but fear not, for i have been writing... :)
haha. and i have been listening to taylor swift obsessively!! i absolutely adore her music! :)
but i think the reason i havent been writing much is maybe because i am just feeling too much all at once..? maybe..? "but i took your matches, before fire could catch, so don't look mad..." <3 ahhh, i just love randomly quoting taylor :P "dear john, i see it all now that you're gone, don't you think i was too young to be messed with, the girl in the dress cried the whole way home, you should've known..."
beautiful song :)
but anyways, back to my excuse...er, explanation for being awol lately...
i guess i am just feeling like a million and one things at once, and then again, i am feeling nothing because i can't. sometimes you just really feel like you have so much to feel...that you just...can't feel anymore....does this make any sense?? this is another reason i havent been posting much...i am feeling so much...if i tried to explain it, it would probably just come out in one great big jumbled mess....

"i just want...somebody to love me..."

i am just not letting myself feel right now. that's what this emptiness is, i think. i feel lonely, again. but saying that makes me feel like a broken record and i wanna scream at myself. this is...i am, so redundant!! argh! but what can i do about it? how does one change the circumstances they are given?? some are changeable, yes, but not all. and not this one. nothing i do can change this...except for maybe throwing myself at a guy. and even that i dont think would work. it wouldnt fill the hole inside me, only cover it or mask it temporarily. "Scared to let someone in, can't bear to get hurt again, but my body needs to feel a touch, someone come and wake me up..." yea, at one point i was scared. but now, i am simply desperate. sad, to look at that and know it is the honest truth. maybe this is why, for a season, i hid from the truth. because reality is ugly. my life looks so much more beautiful through fairytale tainted eyes.  i need someone. this is nothing new. something the season does, over and over again. its like, no fail. it never doesnt happen; that fall and winter visit and i feel lonely...never fails. love is only heartbreaking when its gone. it can be beautiful but at the same time...so destructive....<3

"all you're ever gonna be is mean"

there comes a point where you have to just stop trying to make a certain person happy. they are never gonna reach that point of liking you no matter what you do. they choose to not like you. it is something they do intentionally. "you, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me, you, have knocked me off my feet again, got me feelin like a nothin…" 

that is what they do. they mess with your head enough to get you to that point of basically feeling worthless. 

"You, with your switching sides and your wild fire lies and your humiliation…" 

surprise, surprise. (please note the sarcasm ;)

they have to lie and they have to make things up because, typically, they don't have a logical reason to hate you. so they make something up.

 you, have pointed out my flaws again, as if i don't already see them…"

thanks. thanks for going there. 

"i walk with my head down. tryin to block you out, cuz i'll never impress you.."

ya know, there is a million other points i could make using this song. but…i am sick. i am sick of wasting time almost justifying this crud. you are such a waste of my time and energy. i will put my faith in Him and not let you get to me any longer. and ya know what? i will hold my head high and walk in with a smile on my face. i will be happy and charming and witty and everything that i am and always was and will be. everything you can't take away from me. (!!!!!!!!power cheer!!!!!!!!!) haha ;P thats right. thats me for ya. should've never wasted your time in the first place. you are a coward. you are insecure and just looking for someone to hate on. so your gaze landed on me. whatever. i can handle it. with HIm!  however…this does mean i need to pick up my Bible…something i am sooo awful at! but ya know what? i can do it. i will do it! goodbye. whether that means literally or just goodbye to letting you affect me. i wont let you make my decisions for me. but i appreciate the offer ;P haha…anyways, i just pray that i can keep this mentality up… <3 Jesus. He can help me. mute your words to me. make me blind to you in a good, protective way :)

"i feel empty but that may be because you have my heart..."

i love fall…usually. oddly enough, though, i really kinda wish it would just get on with it already!!…. which is so strange and out of character for me. its all just so beautiful and wonderful and…breathtaking. maybe thats the problem. its all so breathtaking and….

i just wanna breathe. 

i opened the curtains this morning and ate breakfast staring at the trees, gold and the dark tree limbs, already semi bare, making a stark contrast compared to the blue sky. which make it seem all the brighter and bluer. its tough…the colder seasons make me wish i wasnt alone. i erase, regretfully, the words of love. scribbled out on paper is my heart, for you. waiting, for you. but i am sick of walking around empty! i am sick of being alone, and empty because i have left my heart out for you to find it, even when it seems you never will. but there is nothing i can do! i am hurt and lonely. i need you and so i am willing to do whatever i have to  to even have a shot at you loving me back. because, then, only then, will i get my heart back, whole. <3 i love you. i need you here. to protect me. to just hold me. that is all i am asking for. you to love and hold and protect me. if i had you in my life, on my side, i feel like no one could ever hurt me. 

but…that's what God is for…right? i need to see that. i need to believe that. why should i still be longing for you when He is right here and can be everything i need? if, even with Him here, there is still people hurting me, how could it be any different or better with you? no…i need to make a decision for me. people are stupid and people are idiots and they are always gonna try and hurt you. i need to make a conscious decision to say, "no, you're not gonna hurt me!" and make it that way. 

maybe you can't solve all my problems, not the way i'm thinking anyways…..so if thats the truth, then why do i need you so much…?

wanted: a miracle

more like need. i need a miracle. actually, she does.

 ya know, i said the only thing i would go back up there for was you. and then, saturday evening i get home from work and my parents tell me to grab some things and get in the car. and then, that very night, we drive up there. but im not going to see you and i know it. i am going to see my great grandma. who is in the hospital, dying, they have given her 24 hours to live, and that is the thought that enters my mind. "you were the only thing i would go back up here for..." and then, just as is to be proven wrong, i am in the car, going to see my dying great grandmother. oh, and can i even tell you how that felt? of course, by the time we got to the hospital, my mind had completely changed directions. by the end i was crying and that kept up all weekend. i was pretty much OK when i wasn't there, but sitting in the waiting room nearly killed me. i was sitting there, so helpless. this is it. i knew it. everyone in there knew it too. it was really humbling. and you stayed off my mind for the next 48 hours or so. the crazy thing is, as much as i wanted to be there for her and i knew my mom wanted to be there for her grandma and i wanted her to be, and all that, i could not wait to get out of there. i mean, especially as i slept on the floor of her house with my whole family in that one room, no real blankets or cushioning. but it was more than the physical pain, cuz i knew i had nothing to say about that. i mean, she is laying in a hospital bed dying..i had nothing. but it was like, this feeling. in my inner core. i just did not want to be there. how pathetic is that? yea, i know...but that makes me wonder if i could come back for you?

no, wait a second. everything doesn't need to be about you. that kills me too. i always have to make everything about you. maybe its because you are my security. besides, thinking about you, is alot easier than thinking about someone dying... she needs a miracle. i know it. i am praying hard, but its still sooo hard to believe...i miss her already. and i know there are people that miss her millions of times more than me.
so i just started praying for a miracle. i could think of nothing else to pray for. i mean, we all want her here, but we want her to be comfortable and happy. so i am praying for a miracle. i was told that "no one is very optimistic", but i choose to be. who knows what'll happen? but either way i want to know i gave her all i had.

"i made sure

the last words she heard

were "i love you"

then i kissed her goodbye

and i walked out cuz i

i didn't know what else to do

its hard… we're here watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

someone says you're sick of fighting

and i know this is the best decision for you

but you should've seen none of us could stop crying

i hope you know we are all already missin you

its hard… we're here watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

this might've been

my last chance

to say everything i needed you to hear

my mind knows what's best

but my heart likes what's easiest

but that route wasn't to be found.. anywhere

and its definitely hard… watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

"i will miss you. i love you. and i know i will see you again one day, even if you pass away" it just makes me wish that it didnt always take a death to bring people together. i wish we didnt always have to wait until its almost too late, to finally realize...

i am sorry, just so you know...i know these words will never be enough, but they're all i've got...

"your guard is up and i know why
because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind
you gave me roses, and i left them there to die
so this is me swallowin my pride standin front of you sayin im sorry for that night
and i go back to december all the time..."

how perfect. how true. can i say i'm sorry? i have a tendency to mess things up with everyone close to me everyone i care about. how that rings true again. and i dont have the time to get into this. i hate that but i dont. i have places to be things to do and...im sorry. i'll leave you with that but know i never wanted to leave you with anything...i never wanted to leave you at all..

it's coming together, i can see it right in front of me :)

haha, ok so first let me say i realize most of my October posts have been song lyrics. haha, i apologize for that! there's been some exciting things happening in my life. i am..well, excited! i have really just had like, a change of heart. i can feel it. i can see it in the new way i see everything. in the way i am just happier, and more accepting of the way things are...<3 i am in love!! with the One who will never change His mind :)  i'm really not in the mood for a stupid superficial relationship right now. i mean, i'd like a real, meaningful, lasting one, but...its like, for the first time in a long time, my life feels full enough to not need someone. i have my Bestest Friend, my family, and several other great people in my life... :)

and i am about to make a difference. er, rather, He is about to make a difference. using me. or so it looks. 

but i have a fear (ok, maybe more than one!) and i will admit it to you. i am afraid that after all of this, its never gonna happen. nothing will ever happen. that just seems to be the pattern my life takes...maybe i need to do something... maybe nothing ever happens because i let it not happen...hmmm.... all i know is i am, if i may be real honest for a second, i am really sick of getting my hopes up, a plan drawn out...only to surrender before the war even starts. but even as i am typing this i can hear something telling me that maybe the reason those plans never worked cuz they weren't supposed to. maybe if i would stop making my own plans, step back from the drawing board and hand Him the marker, maybe i would get somewhere. i think i get it....

"to get anywhere in life, sometimes you gotta try.." and sometimes you gotta let go. stop trying to make things work and just let it be. let Him lead. <3

Back To December- Taylor Swift

"I'm so glad you made time to see me 

How's life tell me how's your family, 

I haven't seen them in a while, 

You've been good, busier than ever, 

Small talk work and the weather

Your guard is up and I know why, 

Because the last time you saw me,

Still burned in the back of your mind, 

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night 

And I go back to December all the time.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and make it all right,

I go back to December all the time

These days i haven't been sleeping, 

Staying up playing back myself leaving, 

When your birthday passed and I didn't call,

And I think about summer all the beautiful times 

I watched you laughing from the passenger side

And realized i loved you in the fall,

And then the cold came

the dark days when fear crept into my mind,

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night 

And i go back to December all the time. 

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, 

Wishing I'd realized what i had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and change my own mind,

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin,

Your sweet smile,

So good to me, so right, 

And how you held me in your arms that September night 

The first time you ever saw me cry, 

Maybe this is wishful thinking, 

Probably mindless dreaming,

But if we loved again i swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but i can't, 

So if the chain is on your door i understand

But this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying im sorry for that night 

And i go back to December. 

It turns out freedom aint nothing but missing you, 

Wishing I'd realized what i had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and make it all right, 

I go back to December turn around and change my own mind, 

I go back to December all the time

All the time..."

my heart. right there. speaks volumes. and i couldn't tell you exactly why right now, but i love it and i'm gonna go figure out how to play it :)

God is so good. sometimes we overlook that. but today it's jumpin in my face :)

can i just say i LOVE God?? yea, cuz i do! i love seeing a plan come together. it feels unexplainably great to not have to do all the work. to really not have to do anything at all!! things are working out in a way that i could've never dreamed. <3 it's all just so crazy! i have been praying that God would just use me...and i really feel like He is about to!! ahhhhh! :D i am sooo happy if you couldn't tell! and, yes, in case you were wondering, a smallish part of me is still holding on to my dream. i would be lying to say that i'm not still wishing. but... like i'm content too. does that make sense?