2 and counting

"i have someone else who i love very much

but no matter what

im always gonna look back and see

the one that thought they were too good for me"

this is far too true to be comfortable. it fits me like those size one jeans i tried on the other day. it leaves no margin for doubt.

i.dont.need.you.

i have someone that ACTUALLY loves me, someone that ACTUALLY cares..

someone who knows me on a level you never could have. who understands me like you don't even know. 

someone who knows all of this...

and has.stuck.around. <3

honestly....

i should be longgggg over you. it feels stupid to even still care but i do.

i DO still look through your facebook pictures...

i do still listen to songs that i listened to when we were fighting.

and i do still cry.

im sorry, but i do.

i guess....i just don't get over people that easily.

:'/ i really cared about you.

why....why doesn't that matter to you?

you will NEVER know what you've done to my heart.

yeah, theres A.LOT. of scars.

but you've also made me build so.dang.many.walls. around it, that a lot of my relationships or could be relationships don't even stand a chance.

what can i say? once you've been hurt by someone close to you, your heart just learns.

now? #ICantGetCloseToAnyone...

which makes me think of the whole twitter thing...greatt.

seriously, if ONE relationship could just work out...

but i don't think it can. ive literally reached where the point where i feel like its impossible for relationships to work out. cuz this is 2 and counting.

so yup. you unfollow me on twitter, i unfollow you back. i unfriend you on facebook...

id loooove to delete your number and saved texts from my phone but i don't know if im THAT strong yet. 

but then again, my blood boils every.time i read those texts cuz i know now that they were all smooth lies.

you got what you wanted. i listened to your problems, i was never more than a text away, i let you into parts of my life and my heart and my past that i wish beyond belief that i hadn't.

i knew from the start the relationship was unlikely.

people like you and people like me DONT.MIX.

why did i ever fool myself into believing you were genuine?

oh, thats right....

cuz i wanted so desperately for that to be the truth.

my poor heart is so battle-scarred it is literally crying out for me to just.keep.it.hidden.

it wants more walls.

it is SO sick of getting hurt.

i am so mad at you 2 right now. because of you, i cant trust the one person i need to.

relationship number 3 and im already too broken to fully love.

um... :/

but the thing is, more than either of you EVER proved this to me, more than both of you combined EVER lied and fooled me to believe....

THIS ONE ACTUALLY SEEMS GENUINE!

not just cuz i want to believe it.

but because they have proved it over and over and over. literally.

my past has pushed me to being explicitly clear with this new one. because the idea of getting hurt again absolutely kills me.

like, i don't think my heart could handle it.

and this person has proved again and again that they are sincere.

i HATE how you two have ruined this for me.

now im gonna have to try to love....

inspite of my broken heart.... < / / 3

look at that, 2 scars for the 2 that made them....

just did something ive needed to do for a while.
you unfollowed me on twitter,
so i....(*drumroll please)
DELETED YOU ON FACEBOOK!!
yup. yup.
n now im rewarding myself with a bowl of chocolate ice cream with marshmallow topping and sprinkles <3

Fear has held me back for...my whole life. honestly, i am just now starting to figure out how to break free from its strong hold that its had on me.

this is actually a good one. well, the breaking free part anyways!! but honestly, my life has been basically a captive of fear, i did what it told me to do, i stayed away from the things it told me to stay away from. 

FEAR controlled ME.
im learning, but its HARD.

i have never worked for anything in my life. I mean, REALLY worked.

hmmm...this occurred to me at work (lol of all places) today.

but like, if something is too hard, I.JUST.BACK.DOWN.

seriously i have been soooo lazy it is ridiculous. and now, EXACTLY 8 months and one day and i will be a dang adult!

i need to prove something, not only to everyone else, but to myself. i need to WORK for something.

its like, in some twisted way, i expected life to just hand me what i want? no, i know i have to work for it. ive just been too lazy or too scared to get up and get out there and....DO SOMETHING!

i run this course over and over and i can never seem to get out. its like, i know im going in circles. i just don't see an exit...

or i choose not to take it.

i.cant.trust. 

im not angry anymore. just hurt. really... disappointed in myself.  because it wasnt supposed to be like this. and yet....it is. 

familiar, no matter how bad, is better than unknown. something, whether or not its a lie, is better than nothing.

why yes, i DO think like this. sometimes. subconsciously. but i do.

or maybe i dont even think it. i just live it.

seriously, i just dont know how to leave these bad things behind me. 

how to move on, and hope for the future...

i dont know how. i wish i did, cuz id do it in.a.second.

but i dont. i WISH i could do it in a second. cuz this is turning out to be such a long and painful process...

everything is broken, nothing will ever be fixed.

gosh. you know those kind of nights when it feels like youre never gonna heal. 

lets just say, i have these nights a lot.

i ruin everything good that comes my way.

speaks for itself. honestly, you can think im being dramatic...

but its true.

don't hope for things. you'll just wind up hurt.

seriously. if you hope for things you.are.gonna.get.hurt.

i dont know many people that share this view this me. they still think its better to hope.

they are probably right.

but they havent seen my heart.

honestly, it can afford another scar.

theres like, physically not enough room to even put another one on there.

although, im sure life will prove me wrong about that statement too.

dont trust. people, situations or yourself. you just wind up with scars on your heart.

um. sorry. but life has ALSO proven this one to be true for me.

i HATE it. if i could pick one to change, it would be this one.

im trying. 

i just.dont.know.how.

i.dont.want.to.feel.like.this.again.
i so don't want to keep running in circles.
i H.A.T.E. saying i believe, saying i trust, actually DOING it, and then doing a complete 180
AND ENDING UP RIGHT BACK WHERE I DANG STARTED!!
seriously, im really mad right now.
mad at MYSELF.
no one else. i HATE myself for not being able to trust.
which is not helpful. because i am just one more person tearing at myself. when that is exactly the issue.
sometimes i wonder if i don't abuse my own heart as much as other people do.
because i can be really mean to myself. like now. but heres the thing.
i.keep.making.mistakes.
and i keep losing people close to me.
oh great, now i sound like someone i never wanted to sound like.
grr...i hate myself for hating you.
i hate....that i hate myself. i guess i don't really, i just hate the way im acting.
dude, relax. she just told you she's crabby and tired. chill ok? ugh.
i wanna cry. not because of you, but because i seriously cant let myself trust! i hate that. more than ive hated something in a long time.
HOW CAN I SIT HERE AND TEXT YOU LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG, WHEN THERE'S TEARS IN MY EYES?!?!?!
i hate how deceptive ive become. or maybe ive always been like this but im just noticing cuz we have this whole, honesty policy that i seem to be breaking more than keeping.
seriously, i might not hate MYSELF at this moment, but i sure as heck hate the way im acting.
but i don't even know how to be any different.
except to TRUST AND LET GO.
i WISH with EVERYTHING in me that i could just say those words n BAM! i could do it.
but this is a long, slow, excruciating process.
God, P.L.E.A.S.E dont let her become another casualty of my learning a lesson. PLEASE!!! :'/

Fear has held me back for...my whole life. honestly, i am just now starting to figure out how to break free from its strong hold that its had on me.

Ive never worked for anything in my life. And i mean, REALLY worked.

i run this course over and over and i can never seem to get out. its like, i know im going in circles. i just don't see an exit...
or i choose not to take it.

familiar, no matter how bad, is better than unknown. something, whether or not its a lie, is better than nothing.

everything is broken, nothing will ever be fixed.

i ruin everything good that comes my way.

i dont deserve the best. i don't even deserve you.

don't hope for things. you'll just wind up hurt.

dont trust. people, situations or yourself. you just wind up with scars on your heart.

__________________________________________________________________

these are like, things i live by. scary right?
yeah, i thought so too!!
i don't try to, but these have been the thoughts swarming in my head and the sad truth?
is that they are...kinda true.
well, some of them.
lets explore these thoughts shall we?

i suppose this is what i get for assuming things.
life just looooves to prove me wrong.
i swear, it gets a kick out of it or something.
basically, i should just stop thinking i know whats going on.

dude, remember when i said we had one more chance before our relationship went under again and would never resurface?
well i didn't exactly wait for it to resurface the first time before i chose to say that.
as it stands, im still waiting for it to show its face.
but in some weird way, ive moved on. its like, yeah things were left unfinished. and im the type that DEFINITELY needs things laid out. i need definition of where i stand with people and what i mean to them...
so for me to sit here and say, things were left undefined, but im ok, sure sounds like a lie.
but the weirdest thing is that, ITS ALL TRUTH!
i know, im shocked too!!
but its like....i didn't need you before. and for a while there i really thought i had, i don't know, grown to need you or something. but then you left. my world fell apart for roughly 72 hours and then?
i realized what i knew all along.
that i didn't need you before,
and i don't need you now.
im everything i ever was and more,
because of you im stronger.

um...well that didn't turn out like id hoped. but i...understand. ugh i don't want to do this. i don't want the drama. at first i was proud of myself for saying what i needed to say. i felt like our relationship was over but um, evidently you don't feel the same way.
and now you want my reasons?! i never intended to give them to you!
i have them. thats not the problem.
they just aren't ones i wanna share with you.
you're too fragile. i don't wanna push you over the edge. and i don't want all this drama!! please, why do we have to go through this?!
dude, i ....ugh. i need to talk to my best friend. and yet, i have to wait a whole stinkin 3+ hours!! i need advice! lol ugh mostly, i was just reallyyyyy hoping for the easy way out.
well not completely, cuz i said what i needed to. there was nothing that could have forced me to talk to you. i felt it was only fair to explain. and i apologized for having ignored you and yet you have the nerve to say i shouldn't have done that?! um, hello, i know that. hence the apology!
but i was hoping i could say this and you'd just move on.
but i KNEW you would play the victim. i KNEW you wouldn't accept this. i KNEW you wouldn't just leave it as is.
honestly, i probably couldn't have just left it as is if i was in your place either.
but i was HOPING you would....

9 days ago something ended. with someone i really cared a lot about. a friend i really trusted. we fought, over texts, and we haven't.spoken.since. :/ but i can see what God did even there. it was hard and i cried so much but...
im ok now. because once i was out, i could see how much that relationship was unhealthy. we were not going good places. it started out good and then something changed. i guess i was holding on with blind hope that someday things would go back to the way they were.
and then reality shattered that lie that i was holding onto.
i dont regret it though. how could i? a bad relationship was ended. it hurt like crazyyy...and now im ok. cuz i see how things were headed in the completely opposite direction that i wanted. im glad that, since it was obviously gonna end, that it ended now instead of later when id gotten more attached.
i DO regret some choices i made, like choosing to share things with her....
but oh well. its too late now.
i can accept it and move on and try to learn from it. <3

i did it. i took a risk.
and im terrified beyond belief. like, you don't even know.
im glad i did it....
unless of course you react how im hoping you wont.
thennnn i think ill regret it.
then i know ill regret it.
im sorry....i just...needed you to know.
please God...Your Will be done....just please....
and to make matters worse, you cant even respond right now so i am left to imagine the outcome for the next 2 hours or so.
gosh, im glad i never ate lunch. cuz i think if i did, id probably be throwing up right now.
yeah. im THAT freaked...

ahhh summer.has.just.been.crazy.
honestly, i don't know if i have ever had as crazy a summer as this one!!
and the sad part is, i didn't even DO much!!
but it was a very emotional summer. a very emotional year actually.
but this summer especially has been...a roller coaster.
and then theres a bunch of drama i had to deal with....grr...
i hate drama.
it nearly tore me apart. honestly my poor heart is so shredded right now.
but God has blessed me with someone who is helping me keep it all together. someone who is helping me to repair all the damage ive caused and allowed to be caused to my heart.
its hard. it really is!! and i love my best friend so much. im scared to lose her. im scared to be as vulnerable as im being with her.
in case no one has guess, judging from my last few posts ;) lol
but i need.to.learn.to.trust.
ive trusted so many more people...whats one more?
and the thing is, ive trusted people i should NOT have trusted.
but she has proven, time and time again, that she is worthy of my trust.
im gonna kill our relationship if i don't learn to just trust her. because our relationship is BASED on trust.
and if i cant learn to let myself do that....
im so scared. i keep giving this to God, but i also feel like i keep taking it back...
i have serioussss issues!! ://
but im learning.
i just...don't want you to be another casualty of my learning a lesson.
(*deep breath) we WILL get through this. im so scared. im holding on and letting go at the same time. holding onto us and my faith and letting go of my issues and fears and control.
im giving it to God. again. i pray i wont take it back this time.
but thats not even it. its like....i just lost someone. i think that really scared me.
and im in the process of losing someone else.
except that, in this case, im the one who looks like the bad guy. im the one letting go. i could probably make things work, yes.
but....
i just don't want to anymore. i feel like its been too much, it will never be the same and..
i just give up.
im sorry. but i do. and MAYBE, if we could be fighting for the same thing, it would be worth a shot. but we couldn't be. we wouldn't be.
so we wont be.
but that aside, yes, i just lost someone...someone i got too close with too fast. i let them inside to who i really was and i shared things with them i now regret sharing.
basically, camp was one big regret. but ill get to that later.
let me just end by saying that i feel like everything is falling apart all around me. and people keep telling me things will work out....
and i keep watching things doing the EXACT.opposite.
omg.  i just realized something.
wow....now THIS i think imma tell her.
i typed up this longggg thing about how i was feeling but i knew somewhere inside me that i didn't want to send it to my best friend. however, i do think she ought to know this....
<3

ahhh, im like shaking im so scared!!
but i need to do this.
im gonna do this.
thank God for my supportive best friend. cuz i don't think i could be doing this without her. <3

Just found this...its part of a story i was working on. well, it applies to my situation right now.

i feel like i need to take my own advice here...

"somehow, the truth didn't hurt nearly as bad as the lies had.

somehow, his coming clean with me, made it almost seem like…

like maybe i could trust him again.

and i know full well that i have trusted people i shouldn't have. lots of them. countless numbers of guys have scarred, trampled and crushed my heart. all because i was careless and trusted them.

but i decided jake was worth that risk. after all, i had given far more for far less."

it IS worth the risk. WE are worth the risk. because, as it says, i truly have given more for less. what, at this point, do i have to lose? oh wait...you.

but if imma lose you its gonna happen whether im honest or close guarded. and i want to not have any regrets. well, if i lose you because i told you, ill regret having told you. but if i keep something from you...its burning me. it really is. cuz we said no secrets. cuz you're SO honest with me.

i have to tell you.

i...i have to.

no...but i think i want to. i think...i want you to know. <3 

its gonna be okay

it just might get worse before it gets better.
and it just might take some time.
but we are gonna get through this.
not because we have to.
but because we WANT to.
we are both fighting for the exact same thing.
ive never been in a relationship that wasn't tug of war before.
God is good <3

August Seventeenth, 2011. 

11:30 pm

im sorry. cuz you deserve more. and id give it to you in a second...

if i could. but i cant. not anymore.

because ive trusted too many people.

and ive been hurt by every one of them.

and so i have less to give you.

i mean, i cant put myself out there as much. its not that i don't trust YOU...

its more like i don't trust the situation.

im sorry. i truly am.

its just that life has taught me that trusting leads to heartache.

so if i cant handle anymore heartache, id better not trust.

i KNOW this isn't right. i know its not even true.

but it is what ive been taught.

it is what a small part of me, the part thats learned from the past, believes.

i hate it. im so so sorry.

But i don't know how to fix it.

i love you, i honestly do.

maybe not with all my heart...

but certainly with all i have left of it. :/

kills me to realize how much ive given myself away emotionally to people that just abused me & my heart...

but i did. its too late to go back.

i guess the point of this is that imma be real careful with everything i got left.

but how does that fit into our relationship?!

cuz i feel like you are giving me everything & im standing here all close-guarded.

well, thats not ENTIRELY true.

because ive let you into very dark & vulnerable parts of me.

but im not careless either. not to say that you are.

but, usually, in relationships, i just let my heart go. and i know...look at how those turned out (*rolls eyes).

but see, ive entered with reckless abandon into relationships with people that DIDNT deserve my heart.

and now that ive come to the one that deserves it...i cant let go?!?!

you are honestly the BEST friend ive ever had...

im so sorry im like this...

you deserve better.

wow, there is so much emotion packed onto these pages...

i hope you can feel that.

ughhh i need to see you.

i need to be there with you.

i need to hug you.

i need you to SEE who i am...

And not. run. away.

thats HUGE.

and honestly, i think you've already proven yourself loyal.

its me that im worried about.

honestly, ive never been in this situation before. 

im usually careless with my heart &...

you wanna know the truth? i dont let myself go unchecked right now because I DONT WANNA LOSE YOU!

when people see how insecure & how intense i am, 

IT SCARES THEM OFF.

i DONT wanna lose you.

i just wont let myself do that.

but it feels unfair to take all of you & offer you only part of me in return.

& yet, honestly, i would do almost anything to keep you from running away.

see? this is the kind of stuff you need to not see.

because past experience has taught me that this is the kind of stuff scares people off.

:'( i WANT you to see everything...

AND i want you to love me just the same.

but you see, i always hope for the impossible.

truthfully, i wonder if youll ever read this. if you do, youll know its about you. i only have one BEST friend.

a part of me hopes you do read it.

but a part of me is scared for you to know this stuff about ,e.

which is stupid cuz you know my darkest secret.

but somehow, my intensity & insecurity is what im most afraid for you to see.

i love you. i really, truly do.

im sorry...that i dont always know how to show it better.

<3 morgan

clock just turned midnight...new day...youre the first thing on my mind. 

hope thats not creepy or anything...lol

sometimes i go to your facebook page and look through your pictures, just because it hurts. which sounds dumb...until you've been in that place. ughhhh now you're on fb too...great.
ahh i have too many people problems right now!!! please just....ugh.
its probably me. because i just cant seem to make ANY relationship work. well, thats not true. one is working fabulously.
i just happen to be terrified it will end because, well, every other one ive ever had has!
nbd.
ok, so maybe it is.
seriously. i have the person i want to let go of, the one that kind of mutually let go of me as i let go of them...
and i have the person i will never let go of and who i hope never lets go of me.
honestly, i don't know which one scares me more.
because i hate having to hurt people, i hate leaving things unfinished...
and i hate losing people.
wonderful situations ive gotten myself into!! lol (*rolls eyes)
ughhh and i don't regret the choices ive made. well, not completely. i hate to say i regret anyone..
i know for a fact i don't regret the 3rd person. the one way id ever regret something with them would be if i did something to scare them off.
however, the first 2....
ughhh!! My.Head.Is.Spinning.
i wanna cry right now. because this is all just too much.