its been so long since i really looked at your picture. but i just did. and just seeing your face reminds me that im gonna have to hurt you. :'/ im sorry and not at the same time. because im sorry to hurt you but i need to stick up for me.
this is SO hard...

You know when theres like, that one thing that you know you just HAVE to do?
And how about that one thing that you really DON'T WANT to do?
Just so happens . . . the 2 of them have joined ranks and decided to make one huge problem for me.
I HAVE to do this, and yet it k.i.l.l.s. me inside.
i am scared of how you'll react. im scared to even take that first step.
the only thing im not scared of is that we'll end.
honestly, the dark truth is thats what im aiming for.
i am sick and tired of our relationship.
Because, the truth, is that it really isn't much of a "relationship" at all anymore.
im just done. i already basically ended one relationship this week. might as well make it two. and the thing is, the first relationship was one i actually cared about. it was one i didn't want to see end. but it did because it had to. it wasn't a healthy relationship.
honestly, thats what ours has become.
an unhealthy "relationship".
And i cant keep putting myself through stuff like this.
So, im sorry if this hurts you. ok, im sorry WHEN this hurts you. cuz its gonna. and please believe me when i say i am truly sorry.
But i need to do what i need to do. and ill try to do it as nicely as possible, but...
im gonna do it.
I hate having to end things. Even though this is something i want ended, i hate actually having to DO it.
I hate that i have to hurt you.
im pretty sure that somewhere down the line, i promised id never do that.
but you promised things too.
things your actions have shown you never really meant.
ugh, why cant you just be a jerk? just for 10 minutes.
cuz when you're nice....
it hurts me even more. it hurts to think i have to be the one to hurt you.
goshhh...why do i always get myself in situations like this?
sometimes, i think i need to stop trusting.
but the weird thing is, ive never seen this side of the game.
im usually the one getting ignored and left.
ive never been the one to ignore and leave...
quite honestly, im really not sure which one i like better....
im really not sure...
all i know?
im sick of playing games. period.

I need to stop seeing your facebook posts. They kill me inside.
But i cant bring myself to block you.
Guess theres still a piece of my heart that refuses to listen to me.
Because its still hoping.
Something i told it to stop doing a long time ago....

I. HATE. FIGHTING. WITH. YOU.

There, i said it. Gosh, everything in my life is becoming this crazy, dramatic mess. Honestly, if im not careful, im gonna wind up scraping pieces off the ground, and spending my senior year reconstructing myself.
Do you really tear me apart?
I hate to think that. Because, if you do....
What does that mean? If you do, then *I* need to stand up and do something.
Well, i did. It was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do.
I was so caught up in our conversation, i didn't even feel the dozens, literally, of mosquitos that evidently attacked me during this time.
But they left their marks behind. I have proof that they were here.
Well, you left a mark too. Because i cried so hard i physically cant cry anymore. It literally feels like i used all my tears that night.
But the most remarkable thing?
You didn't see a single one.
Nope. Thats what happens when you're how many miles away and we are forced to text. I didn't even TELL you. You have NO idea...
honestly, you have NO idea how broken i was. I relived our memories and i cried even harder because, inevitably, i realized that they are nowhere close to where we are now.
But you're honestly a different person. Its like, recently, things have changed!
And i hate it.
You wanna play truth is on facebook? Well, lets see...the truth is that im scared. im scared to know how you really feel.
im scared you'll say something that will mess us up once and for all.
Not to mention that now....
they're watching us.
They will judge and decide when we've gone too far.
And one false move will be fatal.
Our relationship will go under again.
And this time...it wont resurface.

Someday

Someday ill learn to be fine by myself
someday ill stop reaching for someone else
someday ill learn to let you go
...but someday you're gonna have to know

it breaks my heart to have to say this to you
And it kills me inside but its something i have to do
someday you'll learn to not need me there...
someday darlin....you'll see that i just don't care

someday ill break away this pain inside
someday maybe, it'll just subside
someday i know ill go back and relive this
someday i hope ill find peace in this decision

and it breaks my heart to have to say this to you
and it kills me inside but its something i have to do
someday you'll learn to not need me there....
someday darlin...you'll see that i just don't care

you'll look up once you've hit the ground
and you'll see im nowhere to be found
the truth is i already hit...and dug my way back out...
you'll see ive already been there!!!

i thought it'd break my heart until i said it to you
it turns out its just something i had to do
someday i know you wont need me there...
someday darlin....because i wont be standing there...

---um...would it be inappropriate to just send song lyrics to someone, to tell them how i feel?---

Because tomorrow could be one day too late...

I NEED INSPIRATION!!!
Seriously, this summer has been PATHETIC.
I am usually so inspired, i keep pen and paper with me at all times, i constantly have a song floating through my head.
Usually my blog would be BURSTING with posts of thoughts and feelings.
And id have dozens of new songs.
My guitar would constantly be out of tune from me strumming it so much, and my voice would be raspy from singing my heart out.
But not this year.
I was supposed to make this summer, my last high school summer, count.
And so far...
Ive had SOME good times. Camp was amazing, as you know. And i had one incredible and unexpected night with an old friend. My parents' vow renewal. And finally 2 days ago at a pool in a town so ritzy i could never belong there. But it was fun just the same.
And then theres something else that happened.
I guess it sorta pertains to summer because, with being busy with school, summer is the only time we could have done this.
I got very close to a friend of mine. Closer than i ever would have expected. It was a God thing for sure.
And we talk...like you wouldn't even believe.
Im not used to having a relationship that...works.
But so far...this one is. I talk to her about anything and everything. And she is the same with me.
So a lot of personal growth has taken place this summer because of her and our relationship.
So yeah, i guess some good HAS come out of this summer.
But on the other hand, i feel like i have wasted a lot of days.
And i have.
But its too late now. Cant get back what time erased. I have memories and i have to move forward.
Its time to make this summer count.
I have roughly 3 weeks left.
Somehow, imma make up for the last 3 months...in 3 weeks.
Wish me luck <3

I keep running because im scared to stop.

Playing "Truth Is?" on facebook. I love this game because i love the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to me.
Basically, my friend list is made up of only people i actually care about. So its not like someone is gonna like it, and ill have a hard time saying something nice.
But i love love love the chance that i get to tell people WHY they mean so much to me. What i like about them.
because i know, first hand, how easy it can be to forget these things.
I was up until 11:20 last night writing a 3 page letter, front and backs of the pages, to my friend.
A letter she will NEVER see.
It wasn't a mean one. It was a broken one.
I cant get over this.
I sit here and i feel stupid because i am just running the same course over and over again, and my friends are the ones that keep having to hear about it.
But i am hurt...and confused.
Somedays i know better and some days i know worse...if that even makes sense...
Basically, though, i gave our relationship to God last night. I don't want to hold onto it so tightly that i squeeze the life out of it.
Because, yes, i HAVE done that to things before.
But not this time. She means too much to me.
And besides, i want God in control.
Im sorry it took me this long to let go but...
Now...im letting go.

"Sometimes i don't wanna be better, everything is wrong forever, sometimes i cant be put back together, sometimes its gone forever..."

i wanna text you but i don't wanna bug you. but then again, if you are really my friend, which i know you are, you'll be there for me.
you said so today.
but i..i guess im scared.
this all circles back to my 2 main issues.
security. &. trust.
i don't feel secure enough to feel worthy of your time.
And i don't trust that you wont get scared off and run away.
these 2 things apply to and control most everything i do. or don't do.
im just gonna text you.
seriously, how hard can this be?!
YOU SAID YOURSELF THAT YOURE THERE FOR ME!!!
....why can i never feel good enough for myself? why can i never find it in me to JUST. TRUST?!?!
Thats just it. im texting you. i don't know what im gonna do...if i don't.
God, please help me! Im reading my Bible, i prayer journaled, and i went to youth group. Ive been playing 99.9% Christian music. honestly, i hardly listen to ANYTHING ELSE anymore.
And yet...i feel SO far from You.
Just...just like at camp again.
Something that was supposed to bring me so close to You, just left me disappointed and empty.

"Ive got to live with the choices ive made, and i cant live with myself today..."

Skillet just screams my heart lately.

"I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender...."

Seriously. My life...my heart...everything feels broken right now. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do. I cry out to God and yet...nothing changes. Im sure theres something i am missing. Because i know God cares. He is probably saying something to me and im just not hearing it.

But right now....honestly i have a couple of habits lately. 

The scary thing is, they aren't new ones. 

I recognize them alright...

They are the warning signs. The habits i had right before i slipped into depression. 

The beach is one of the most magnificent places in the world for me

You know theres something wrong with you when you go there and have to fake a smile.

Actually, i know theres something wrong with me right now. It scares me. But i realize that i got out of this once before. No treatment or personal interference required.

It was me. Me and God.

But i left with a lot of scars. Scars of the physical and emotional variety. 

It scares the HECK out of me to think that i am actually walking down this slippery slope AGAIN!

The first time was legit. But it was also for experience.

Well, this time, its all real. Because i don't WANT to go back.

...Im just afraid i might.

So yeah. The things i can align with my past...

First off, i have been blasting music. I mean BLASTING. I have skillet playing so loud you can LITERALLY hear it outside of my headphones.

But heres 2 things that differ from my past. 

First, im playing Christian music this time. So, yeah, i have music screaming in my ears. 

But at least its Christian music. I know that doesn't justify my motivation behind blasting it, but since something is blasting, im glad its that. (And i have my friend to thank for this, by the way! Christian music, im sad to say, is something i never particularly cared for. But she got me hooked!)

Secondly, im always faking a smile. So that no one really knows whats wrong. I talk to my girls. They are always there, which is something that differs from my past as well.

But my family has no idea. I keep the depressing posts away from them. I don't want to scare them.

And they wouldn't understand. Because they would keep trying to interfere. 

They would hate the fact that they couldn't help me.

Which they couldn't.

Because, as much as i HATE to say this...they are part of the problem.

Not the whole thing. A lot of it has to do with the way i (don't) handle things.

Which brings me to the third thing that lines up with my past....

I. SUPPRESS. EVERYTHING.

I don't deal with things, but rather, just continue to shove them down inside.

Until they JUST EXPLODE.

Until *I* just explode.

But then i apologize for "overreacting" and we go on like 

nothing. ever. happened.

But i cant go on this way. I need to find a different way.

Because i am so scared of where this is headed. I am so scared of where *I* am headed.

"Im just a step away, im just a breath away, of falling off the edge today...its just another war, just another family torn, just a step from the edge, just another day in the world we live....I NEED A HERO TO SAVE ME NOW."

Update (lol sorry its too early for me to ACTUALLY think of a title...)

I just wanted to say, for anyone who has been praying for me and a friend of mine, thank you!

This past week we have taken some HUGE steps. Things aren't perfect, but i think i was kidding myself if i ever thought they were.

We are talking again!! I mean, like REALLY talking!! Like, the kind of talking where we both let our guards down and just be real and open and honest.

And its been amazing <3

Thank you ALL so much for praying <3 I love you guys!!

ThingsINeedToSay#1

I have major insecurity issues. NO ONE would know by looking at me, but its true. And yeah, i push people away. Ive been told that i act like people aren't worth my time.
I guess the truth is that im just getting ready. Because the opposite of that statement is true. I don't feel worth ANYONE ELSE'S time.
And so to avoid you getting to know me, finding out who i really am and shoving me out, i don't let you get close.
Im sorry for how that comes off but really, when you consider the alternative, im pretty sure...
Its just self defense.
 
<3xoxo

Oh my gosh. Im gonna cry. But i cant. Cuz i don't cry when id have to explain my tears.
And the one person i want to talk to, is the one person i cant.
Because it just so happens...
that the tears are about them.

"Sometimes I think I'm better off, To turn out the lights and close up shop, And give up the longing, believing and belonging, Just hold down my head and take the loss."

"You'd think that id learn my lesson by now, you'd think that id somehow figure out, that if you strike the match you're bound to feel the flame, you'd think that id learn the cost of love, paid that price long enough, but still i drive myself right through the pain, yeah well it turns out, i haven't learned a thing..."

I haven't. Plain and simple. And i know this because, if i had learned, i wouldn't still be trusting.
I wouldn't be getting burned right now.


"Ive felt this emptiness before, but all the times that ive been broken i still run right back for more..."


I always go back. Its like, i KNOW this is all just a game, but still i play.
I feel like i have writing all over me. Saying everything that contradicts my actions.
I SAY that i don't trust. That i know better by now. I say i cant stand here and keep getting burned. I say that i want something real.
And yet, here i am trusting, acting ignorant and naive, being burned and playing a game.
See what i mean?

"....I havent learned a thing."

Praise.

Praise. A word i, sadly, don't use very often.

But im starting a lot of things new. :)

Praise...

Something amazing happened last night. In both the physical sense and in an emotional way.

The physical was a lot of fun. Games with friends, catching up with someone i hadn't talked to in almost a year....

Just...a lot of things and i cant even explain it, but it was incredible.

But honestly, even more than all that physical stuff, was that emotion. That feeling. That connection that i had been long awaiting and anticipating.

Sitting on the sand....talking to you the way i was, FINALLY!, getting to again.... <3

And then he called to me. And our convo got put on hold a little.

And i went over, i talked to him. It was incredible. Almost like nothing had ever happened. Almost like nothing had changed.

Almost as if i HADN'T run out and left him without a reason or even a goodbye.

And then we hung out for a while...

I had probably the most fun ive had all summer.

It ranked right up there anyways.

And then when all that was over...

I got to go back to our conversation. Which remained just as deep as it was before.

I was so happy. I had been...

needing that. But i couldn't tell you.

We hadn't had a conversation like that since the fourth of july. And before that i think it was camp.

I missed it. A lot.

I missed you. I missed him.

I missed the way summers were before. Because everything changed this summer. Everything was different. It wasn't as much fun.

But last night....

Praise God for the way He is working in my life. And praise be to God for giving me these little blessings, these surprises, these things i completely don't deserve. Praise God for loving my in spite of my failures and always taking me back.

Praise God. <3

Truth finally coming to light, im taking a stand and doing whats right.

This life....NEVER gets any easier. It just doesn't.

But thats okay!

Because, while no one promised it'd be easy, Someone did promise to come alongside us. Someone did promise to take our hands and walk us through. Someone did promise to guide us. And to never leave us.

Im starting. It starting to see and starting to put into action.

But its not easy and im not perfect. Which would be a bad combo.

If i didn't have Help.

But i do.

So im going to try. Im going to mess up. And im going to get back up.

Even if He has the be the thing that lifts me up and stays behind me to keep me on my feet. I know He will do that.

And i know i might need that.

But this isn't about pride or an ego.

This is about Truth coming to light. About standing up and doing whats right.