i am done running. i don't know what that means i will do instead, but i have decided to wait on the Lord. i need to seek His will in this. because i tried to fix things..and created more problems for myself. and i know this was not His idea for me because it came with so much extra baggage. nope. it was all me.
so now i am done trying to play doctor. i am sick.
and i'm asking Him to fix me. to heal me.
to do what only He can do.
i need You.
come to me.
i ask You,
not because You have to.
not because i deserve it.
but because i know You will.
You always have.
i'm just sorry it took this long for me to get it. but i am making progress. thank You! :) for real. all this time i needed You but didn't recognize it. or i ignored it. and i'm sorry.
thanks for always taking me back.
thanks for always loving me.
thanks for always cleaning up my messes.
thanks for forgiving me and healing me.
i write this and think about how i'm gonna post it..and feel like a fake. yes, this is ALL truth!
but i feel like a fake because there is another side.
there's the part of me that is falling apart right now.
there's the part that started running for a reason and there's the reason that made me run.
why doesn't THAT ever make it to this blog?
it did, for a while. but i had to take those things off. and if you wonder why, message me, cuz i will tell you but cannot post it here.
so, now i am confused. i wanted this blog to be honest.
it just feels like everything is unraveling right now.
including the smile i faithfully wear, and my sarcastic remarks that come into play when my smile falters.
I HATE BEING FAKE!!!!
and i hate that you're making me fake…
and i hate, maybe, most of all..
that i am letting you.
but i don't know better.
i don't know what else to do.
'..cling to your cover till the very end…'
i hate this.
i hate this…
but i have NO idea…how to get out.