Saturday, March 12, 2011

Fakeness disguised as reality..

i am done running. i don't know what that means i will do instead, but i have decided to wait on the Lord. i need to seek His will in this. because i tried to fix things..and created more problems for myself. and i know this was not His idea for me because it came with so much extra baggage. nope. it was all me.
so now i am done trying to play doctor. i am sick. 
and i'm asking Him to fix me. to heal me.
to do what only He can do.
i tried.
i failed.
i've fallen.
i need You.
come to me.
love me.
i ask You,
not because You have to.
not because i deserve it.
but because i know You will.
You always have.
Always do.
Always will.

i'm just sorry it took this long for me to get it. but i am making progress. thank You! :) for real. all this time i needed You but didn't recognize it. or i ignored it. and i'm sorry. 
thanks for always taking me back.
thanks for always loving me.
thanks for always cleaning up my messes.
thanks for forgiving me and healing me.
thank You.

i write this and think about how i'm gonna post it..and feel like a fake. yes, this is ALL truth!
but i feel like a fake because there is another side. 
there's the part of me that is falling apart right now.
there's the part that started running for a reason and there's the reason that made me run.
why doesn't THAT ever make it to this blog?
it did, for a while. but i had to take those things off. and if you wonder why, message me, cuz i will tell you but cannot post it here.
so, now i am confused. i wanted this blog to be honest.
it just feels like everything is unraveling right now.
including the smile i faithfully wear, and my sarcastic remarks that come into play when my smile falters.
and i hate that you're making me fake…
and i hate, maybe, most of all..
that i am letting you.
but i don't know better. 
i don't know what else to do.
'..cling to your cover till the very end…'

i hate this.
i hate this…
but i have NO idea…how to get out.

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