Sunday, March 27, 2011

-My heart's in constant chaos-

here it is. black and white. out here for the world to see. or at least, my small piece of it. 
things in my life are changing. and with that comes new emotions and circumstances...things you learn to live with...mostly because you have no other choice.
my a scary thing to consider. maybe it's because i only get one shot. you only live once. and so i'm torn. between what i would like to do and feel God's Leading towards...and what i love. and as i look at God's Plan for me, (the road i know i will ultimately take) i realize that it leads me farther away from my dream....
and away from you.
i have been so hesitant. i mean, isn't almost 200 miles enough?! why push that?! but all my life, as i have considered going here or there...i have questioned myself, stating that to go would be to leave you behind. 
and i don't want to do that!
i have all of these dreams and ideas swimming around in my i thought...i mean...
i just don't see another way.
and if it's not you...
then who? who else accepts me? this isn't even something i considered because i never stopped to think...
that it might NOT be you. that it might be someone else. oh sure, that thought has flashed through my head a time or two, but its not like i ever entertained the thought. i just let it pass through. because i didn't want to face it. just like college. but now everything that i shoved aside all these years is catching up with me. and it's finally forcing me to think about it. all of it. and some days i feel like i am going to explode. i fall into bed at night just exhausted. between all of the things i need to decide for myself, and all of my physical responsibilities during the day...let's just say that spring "break", wasn't much of a break.
and a big part of that is my own fault. i caused this much buildup by pushing things aside for YEARS. its no wonder i feel like exploding. but even as i type this, i know i'm still not really facing everything head on. i feel like there is so much and it becomes hard to differentiate between my responsibilities to the family and the ones to myself, and i have such a hard time saying no.
so yes, a lot of these big decisions have been pushed aside because i didn't want to deal with them. but even now...i am just so into this habit of everyone else...and i don't even know anymore how to say no, or make time for myself. and so i just keep saying yes. i just keep saying and doing and going...i'm just living. maybe even living to the fullest, in some extent, because i'm pretty sure life can't get much fuller than this. chaos. that's what my life is right now. 
maybe i am co-dependant. i make sure everyone else has what they need, what they needs come last. codependency causes you to think about others, and get some satisfaction out of seeing them happy and fulfilled...always.

it scares me to think there might be a term for me.

i don't know what to do. i don't know where to turn. i am at a crossroad. but there is so many more than just 2 directions. or maybe there's only two, but my vision is so clouded by everything else in my life that i can't see to make the right choice. heck, i can't even tell how many choices there ARE!
i need to take a step back. but i am afraid that everything i have been holding up, juggling, will come crashing down when i step away.
and maybe it will.
how important are those things?
well...important. necessary. i NEED them to stay balanced. not for me, but because if i don't juggle them, i am afraid no one will. besides, i have to do my part. and this is it. i have to keep up my end of the bargain. i don't know when anything was signed, but it must have been. and so i will keep my unwitting promises. you are holding up your end, and i will hold up mine. but all this does it further my desire to have someone to share this with. i am tired of having to hold everything up alone. tired of having to...and just tired. more than ever i know that i need SOMEONE to do life with. because i can't go it alone.
but...if not you, then who? who...will be there? who will love me? unconditionally. who will call me their babygirl? who will see through my flaws...and love me just the same?
whoever he is, i pray he makes his appearance soon. 
and i pray i will know, be able to differentiate, so that my heart doesn't end up in pieces again.

No comments: