"So you thought you had to keep this up, all the work that you do so we think that you're good, and you can't believe it's not enough, all the walls you build up are just glass on the outside, so let them fall down...we're here now.."

i know what a big deal this is..

recently, it has been brought to my attention, from many sources, that the way we girls dress is a really big issue.

maybe some girls can honestly say that they don't know what it does to guys...maybe.

i don't know what's in other girl's hearts. but in mine...

i know. i know the truth.

but its not as easy as just knowing!!

i want to be liked. i want..to be accepted.

which are things that somehow i think i will get only if i dress a certain way.

but i have seen things play out.

protecting guy's eyes and hearts and minds should  be more important than any silly desired to be, well, desired.

but at what price do i want to be desirable?

what is it worth to me?

i type these words and i know the truth in my heart and i am mad. mad at myself for acting this way and thinking these things. this goes back to the mindset of "its all about me".

i hate that mindset!!

i have learned that my scope of sight is SO narrow. it saddens me because i felt like i understood. i felt like i was starting to get it and starting to be more accepting...but its hard to be accepting when you don't even know.

i want to have more than tunnel vision. i want to see the world.

"The world's so big it can break your heart.." how true that is though. yes, i want to see the world. but i know that to see the world i am going to be faced with a lot of pain and heartbreaks..if i want to see the world as it is, i just don't think it will be a pretty picture.

but its what i want. will it be easy? no. sometimes even my own minor heartbreaks feel like the world is crashing down.

how much more so will it feel to see millions of heartbreaks?

will i be strong enough to handle it, is the question my mind shouts.

no. i won't be.

i know that if i have any shot at being able to do this and survive...

i will need to hold tightly to God. more so than i ever have before.

which i am in no way opposed to!! but i know my short comings and i know how i have a tendency to let go. to let my eyes and heart and faith waver.

i have been Peter.

maybe i've never walked on water..

but i have started to drown.

And Jesus saved me. like He always does :)

but that doesn't diminish the fact that i let go in the first place.

and in the area of how i dress...i have kind of let go.

i hate that!

i don't want to be the girl that i am. not the kind that makes herself feel good at any cost.

how many more people do i have to hurt before i just get this through my thick head?!?!

and people can tell me and we can draw up a series of rules and guidelines...and none of it matters.

it has to be something i believe in. my entire heart has to be in agreement. and right now its torn.

it shouldn't be and i am ashamed to admit that it is...but thats the truth.

i could throw out everything that i have that is "inappropriate". i could toss the makeup in the trash can and say, "i am done!"

but i see some problems.

first...what would i wear? not that everything i have is inappropriate, but it is SUCH a fine line. i'm not sure i would know where to mark. what is what? appropriate or inappropriate? SUCH a fine line.

second...i need to feel pretty. and for me, i feel pretty when i get that assurance from you. whoever you are. when i can read the approval in your eyes...

how sick does that sound??

honestly, i am ashamed to READ those words. i cannot even believe that that is who i really am!

so...what do i do?

i could throw it all away..

but what difference would it make, really? can anyone tell me? i know that it would matter but it would be temporary at best, because until my heart changes, no other change can be permanent.

it just can't!

so how do i change my heart? ♥