i thought i had it all figured out. i thought i knew what i wanted. i thought i was so set in my ways.
good or bad...that's just what i thought i was.
i don't know.
this isn't new for me, and yet, when it comes to things like this i am usually stubborn and unchanging and set in my ways. its just how i am.
today is rainy and gloomy..well, not gloomy for me..but its making me think.
for one thing, i am so glad i have no more secrets. they used to haunt me on days like today. i am freer than i have ever been, i do believe.
and that is a good thing! it makes room for my mind and heart to contemplate deeper, more meaningful matters.
i always said i wasn't going, because i had no reason to.
so..why am i considering it now?
i guess because i am confused. what else will i do, if i choose NOT to attend college?
and besides, the mere fact that i never considered it, is part of the problem, and part of the reason i AM considering it now.
i never gave to any thought or consideration and i feel like it deserves a fair shake, at the least.
i am sick of the way people look at you when you say you are thinking you are gonna start a family and skip college all together. it has even gone so far as to have someone in my extended family tell me that if i didn't attend college, the best job i could hope for would be pumping gas, or bagging groceries! can you just imagine my jaw dropping, when he said that?!
but even as i am typing this i am being given even more suggestions. which i appreciate..and yet..its just so much to consider. and this is WHY i put this off till NOW.
...my mom came in...yeah, this actually looks PERFECT!! ♥
but i won't lie...i still want that 'on campus' feeling. experience. that freedom.
now i realize that is kind of a dumb reason to go to college, not to mention illogical and a VERY expensive 'experience'.
but its the truth.
oh, i know what is really going to have to happen here. for the past couple nights, i have allowed myself the luxury of a daydream.
but daydreams often lead to bitter confrontations with reality. because, after all, one can only live in their fantasy bubble till it pops.
i want that. i desire that experience. and i have allowed myself to be fooled into believing i could have it. i dug myself such a ditch, and for no reason. i was perfectly content believing what i did about college and knowing i wouldn't and couldn't go. but i allowed myself to dream, to get my hopes up, and when i had to come back to reality...it hit me.
but the worst part?
I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!
and yet...i let it.
because i wanted to dream.
in actuality, it was a good thing i pondered this, and thought it over. because now i have given it consideration, and not just written it off, and yet i will stay true to my convictions.
that is where i should be. i don't know what it means. but it is my heart...on a website.
i still have reservations. why is that?
maybe it my selfish inhibitions coming back. my dreams and goals and desires..
not to say that this isn't where my heart is. because it is. teen moms. yeah, that's my heart.
but music has captivated a small part of it, and it took hold a long time ago, and has never loosened its grip.
and i am afraid to try to pull my heart out of its grasp, for fear it will break..
i like it. i like it holding on. its something to strive for. it keeps me thriving. no, that's God, i know.
but its there. it means something to me and it has been a part of me for so long...
that i'm not sure if i could let go, just like that.
and yet, i know the thing i cling to, the thing that means the most to me, is the very thing i need to sacrifice.
and in theory, i can lay it at His Feet.
but in real life...
i am still clinging to my hopes and dreams, and, ultimately, deceiving myself. ♥