Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"My dreams are me.." but i know i am deceiving myself. and yet i still hang on. maybe i'll never know why...

i thought i had it all figured out. i thought i knew what i wanted. i thought i was so set in my ways.
good or bad...that's just what i thought i was.
but now....
i don't know.
this isn't new for me, and yet, when it comes to things like this i am usually stubborn and unchanging and set in my ways. its just how i am.

today is rainy and gloomy..well, not gloomy for me..but its making me think.
for one thing, i am so glad i have no more secrets. they used to haunt me on days like today. i am freer than i have ever been, i do believe.
and that is a good thing! it makes room for my mind and heart to contemplate deeper, more meaningful matters.

like college.

i always said i wasn't going, because i had no reason to.

so..why am i considering it now?

i guess because i am confused. what else will i do, if i choose NOT to attend college?
and besides, the mere fact that i never considered it, is part of the problem, and part of the reason i AM considering it now.
i never gave to any thought or consideration and i feel like it deserves a fair shake, at the least.

i am sick of the way people look at you when you say you are thinking you are gonna start a family and skip college all together. it has even gone so far as to have someone in my extended family tell me that if i didn't attend college, the best job i could hope for would be pumping gas, or bagging groceries! can you just imagine my jaw dropping, when he said that?!

but even as i am typing this i am being given even more suggestions. which i appreciate..and yet..its just so much to consider. and this is WHY i put this off till NOW.

...my mom came  in...yeah, this actually looks PERFECT!! 

but i won't lie...i still want that 'on campus' feeling. experience. that freedom.
now i realize that is kind of a dumb reason to go to college, not to mention illogical and a VERY expensive 'experience'.
but its the truth.
its me.

oh, i know what is really going to have to happen here. for the past couple nights, i have allowed myself the luxury of a daydream.
but daydreams often lead to bitter confrontations with reality. because, after all, one can only live in their fantasy bubble till it pops.
i want that. i desire that experience. and i have allowed myself to be fooled into believing i could have it. i dug myself such a ditch, and for no reason. i was perfectly content believing what i did about college and knowing i wouldn't and couldn't go. but i allowed myself to dream, to get my hopes up, and when i had to come back to reality...it hit me.
but the worst part?
and yet...i let it.
because i wanted to dream.

in actuality, it was a good thing i pondered this, and thought it over. because now i have given it consideration, and not just written it off, and yet i will stay true to my convictions.


that is where i should be. i don't know what it means. but it is my heart...on a website.

i still have reservations. why is that?
maybe it my selfish inhibitions coming back. my dreams and goals and desires..
not to say that this isn't where my heart is. because it is. teen moms. yeah, that's my heart.
but music has captivated a small part of it, and it took hold a long time ago, and has never loosened its grip.
and i am afraid to try to pull my heart out of its grasp, for fear it will break..
..and more?

i like it. i like it holding on. its something to strive for. it keeps me thriving. no, that's God, i know.
but its there. it means something to me and it has been a part of me for so long...

that i'm not sure if i could let go, just like that.

and yet, i know the thing i cling to, the thing that means the most to me, is the very thing i need to sacrifice.
and in theory, i can lay it at His Feet.
but in real life...

i am still clinging to my hopes and dreams, and, ultimately, deceiving myself. 


Kaitlyn Nicole said...

I so know how you feel!!! I am going to college because I have dream there, but before I honestly was like, who wants college? Not me! I could see myself just babysitting and nannying for the next four years, not studying my brains out for a job I may never use! or at least not for long. I've always wanted to get married and have a family, and I'm not sure how well a job would fit in that equation. But somewhere between that mindset and now I changed and I see myself teaching little kids and using my artistic abilities to help kids! I don't know if this dream will last, but it's here for now and it's encouraging me to go to college. But I definitely HATE how people act when you think you know, maybe I don't want to take that road. Why are people so against doing your own thing?! It's so annoying! I love people who branch our and explore new options, instead of doing the expected thing and being bored out of their minds. So, go for your dream if its in God's will, whether that's college or not! <3

Han and Momo said...

Thank you!! that is so very true and i love what you said! :D i could definitely see you doing that!! =D and i hope that all works out for you! i am in the same boat, because i want to get married and start a family too! like, i would not be opposed to getting married soon out of high school =) which i know some people would not agree with, but i feel like i could handle it. it might even work out best for me, but then again, i know ultimately only God knows best!! :) but my issue is that my DREAM is to become...i don't know, a musician, i guess. i love singing and writing songs...and i guess i entertained this notion of becoming like Taylor Swift =D but i can feel God pulling on my heart, asking me to follow. and i would!!......but i'm almost positive that to follow Him...i would have to walk in the opposite direction as my dream. i see myself.....
specifically. but anywhere on the younglife site. that is where i see myself and i LOVE it!!!
it just breaks my heart to walk away from my dream. but i know God's Will is best, and i know i am here to live my life for Him, and so i will do it. i know it won't be easy, but i will do it. =D
i'm thinking that IF i go to college it will be for like youth ministry, or counseling...something i could use where i feel God is leading me! but i love that you are open minded like me!! it drives me crazy to talk to people that think 'college or bust'. hahahaha =D thank you for your words of encouragement!! ♥

...wow this is LOOOOONG!!! hahaha another novel of a comment....

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

I'm with you!! :)
and you never know, if may feel like you're leaving your dream, but maybe God will open it back up to you down the road! Because you are so open to change and God's will, I'm sure it will all work out! I, on the other hand, am very stubborn...I could very well miss out of God's plan completely cause I get so stuck in MY plans. It's bad, but God's teaching me to surrender, so hopefully I will learn to accept change, even when it hurts.

Han and Momo said...

hahaha yeah same, because i am SOOOO stubborn! its like, in my blood! hahaha but i agree completely. thank you. for real. its like, sometimes i 'know' things, but i still need to hear them, if that makes any sense. or, in this case, read them ;) so thank you!! i agree! and i know that ultimately God's Will is best and i know ultimately i will follow...but its hard for sure! ♥ thanks for encouraging me! :D