Sunday, March 20, 2011

If you don't look then you'll never know.

it is true. i don't really know where i am going in this life. not yet, anyways. i know i am here for a purpose, but as to what that purpose is..
i am lost.
and i know in due time You will show me. You will lead me if only i will allow You.
and i want to!
..but i'm scared.
part of me wants to go..and another part feels like i just got here.

look at me! obsessing over something that may, or may NOT, even happen!
but its just like..i'm scared to even pray about it because..well...
what if You ask me to go?
that is the ever pressing question.
it seems better to live in ignorance..
than to ask the painful question.
or more than asking...
is to hear the answer.
"Once opened to the truth, i can no longer close my eyes..."
once i know where it is You want me...well, i know my heart will never be content until i go.
but if i don't ask..
well, chances are that i would end up where You wanted me anyways. You could easily change my circumstances to get me where You want me.
would You do that?
i'm not sure..
or maybe i would just spend my life wandering this earth, wondering, and saying i wondered, where You wanted me to go, but skillfully avoiding ever asking You.
no..i couldn't do that. i told You i wanted to go where You lead me.
and i want You to lead me.
i do!
i am scared, i'll admit.


"Never let the fear if striking out..keep you from playing the game..."
if you don't look you'll never know.

i'm looking.
well, ok, so its more like peeking around the corner.

i'm sorry i'm not braver..
maybe in time i will learn to be.
for now, though, i think You are happy with me for looking at all.
at least...i hope You are..
one thing i know is that You understand.
i am scared. i want to leave and yet..i want to stay.
and yes, i don't want to be farther away from him.
but..this really isn't even about him! since i've grown closer to You..well, You have taken up a lot of the space that he wrongfully claimed.
not that any of that was his fault, of course! 
but now i am able to focus on You, and give to You what was rightfully Yours but was temporarily misguided to him...i'm sorry for that, by the way.
anyways..i am asking You to lead me.
to make me strong and brave, or for You to at least be strong in my weaknesses, courageous in my meekness.
i love You and i want my life to show that. i want it to glorify You.
"At what cost?" is the phrase i find keeps running through my head, and my mom says, (without knowledge of the fact that that exact phrase has  been stalking me!) that the same phrase has been in her heart.
so i ask You now:
At what cost do we stay here? are we really about to take the "easy way out?" not to say that this is it, or that moving would be the sacrifice You even want us to make...oh! i can see i NEED to pray about this.
God, give us the courage to take that first step.
to ask.
so that we may know.
and not misstep.

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