sometimes i forget why i am here. sometimes i think that everything is all about me and what i can get for myself. i forget that i am here to serve. i forget that i ought to be asking what i can do for someone else.
and then sometimes i live like that. sometimes i AM selfish.
and sometimes i am selfless. which is how God wants me to live, i know.
but sometimes when i am trying to give of myself...i start to wonder how much is enough. i mean, when i do something i do it all the way. i like to see things all the way through. i give all of myself to something. passion. i live with passion. everything i do is an outflow of my passion. and i WANT everything i do to be an outflow of passion for God. but i won't say that it is yet, because that wouldn't be entirely honest.
what i will say is that i am trying.
and i am getting burned out.
when i asked when was the point of enough i didn't mean, "okay God, i've done some giving...when can i stop??" i meant..where SHOULD i stop. like i said, i give every piece of me to something. anything that i do. but sometimes i give and give...until i have nothing left. and i get worn out and burnt out...and i don't know what to do, at that point.
...i think i'm at that point.
i have been trying to live like Jesus. and Jesus never took a break. no, that's not true, He took time to spend with God.
but...i'm doing that!!
but it doesn't outweigh or make up for everything that is going out. all of the energy that is being drained...i cannot figure out a way to make up for that. i cannot...i just don't know what to do.
don't get me wrong, i love being Jesus' Hands and Feet as much as my small being can. and i'm not perfect. i'm not here to say anything of the sort. i'm not here to say that i am such a giver or a saint. all i'm saying is that i am trying to live like Jesus..and i am beginning to wonder how He did it!
it's not easy. and i know no one promised it would be. in fact, i do believe that Someone said it wouldn't be.
"For I did not come here to make peace..."
yea...i'm starting to get it. it's difficult! but He made it that way. sacrifice was never something that was supposed to be simple or easy. That's what my devotional was about today. and i know that. i believe that and it makes sense to me. but...
Where is that line?
That line of TOO MUCH.
i don't want to cross that line. not because i want to only "do my time" and nothing more. none of that nonsense.
i just don't want to give myself away so much that i end up on the ground, drained, hopeless, alone..with no energy left to pursue my own relationship with my Love.
i want to give enough..and then some.
i just don't want to end up drowning in commitments and empty relationships. or even meaningful ones.
Because drowning is never good..under ANY circumstances. ♥