Thursday, December 16, 2010

"It's another heart attack, and i can't handle that, oh, Love, i need You back..." ♥

i am beginning to scare myself. i can feel myself slipping back. back into who i was and i am seriously SCARED. because i hate that girl. no, thats not entirely true, she taught me a lot and i love her for that....but let me make myself clear...


i just cant go back there. i just...cant. (*voice cracks) i don't EVER want to be her. EVER again. EVER.

i am pretty sure i went through my "Avril" phase. my depressed phase...yea, i do, painfully, recall all of that. 

i love who i am now :) i am....funny and lovable and sweet and beautiful and loved and....everything i wasn't or i didn't believe i was or ever could be...back when i was her.

this will never make any sense unless you've been here. unless you've been her.
but i have been. so it makes sense to me. 

I AM SERIOUSLY SCARED RIGHT NOW! SCARED....almost for my life. because i went through A LOT of hard stuff to get to where i am right now. stuff i DON'T want to have to go through again...

I DON'T WANT TO BE HER AGAIN!!!!!!! PLEASE GOD, DON'T....don't make me be her...please...don't let me be her.
i am praying. i am praying so hard right now. and i am blasting Colbie Caillat trying to bring myself back to my country girl, easy going, HAPPY girl...

maybe i am just emotional tonight...but i know the truth...and the truth is that i have MADE myself unhappy. by constantly wishing for and pretending to have...what i don't. 

which is a guy.

WHY ISN'T GOD ENOUGH??? I KNOW HE OUGHT TO BE!!!  I KNOW HE WANTS TO BE!!! why won't i let Him be?

Jesus...would You...come be with me tonight? would You watch over me? would You...fill me?
...Please...I know i don't deserve it...You...But i am asking, please...Please be Enough for me. More than Enough...i know You can be...i think You even want to be..."i need You back..." 

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