Raindrops hitting my windowpane, all i want is for you to kiss me in the rain...

basically, beautiful. to me. the rain is just so...perfect. it is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. it describes me and what i feel at all times. because it is refreshing and cleansing, and at the same time, like heavenly teardrops. the way it bounces into puddles on the pavement, soaks into the grass, the way it drenches me when i run, barefoot and clad in a summer dress, out into the middle of the street to dance. 

it makes me think so many things at once, and feel so much. it reminds me of you. it makes me think about the past, and also of the future. it makes me accept and embrace the present, and reality. 

and yet it is so fairytale romantic ♥

"it's not so much that i am needing you, it's more like i'm SO lost without you..."

it's a gorgeous spring day outside! I am loving it! Every second :) i cannot wait for the spring rains and the flowers; the dresses and flip flops...and even further away, the careless days of summer...ahhh. :) how easily i am swept up! i know i should be happy with where i am now. but the dismal days of winter are wearing me thin. i am tired of them. tired.
....i have been trying to not think about it, but for a moment i will indulge myself. i have been missing you for so long now. and i have been trying SO hard not to think about it but...

"both the sunshine and the rain
only increase my pain
everywhere i look feels empty and lonely
i will never be complete till you're here with me
i break at the slightest tap
somewhere along the line i lost all the strength i had
i am weak because of you
lost here without you"


...i know better than all of that. Most of the time. ♥
but not right now.
i don't know how better to say this...♥

Jason Aldean and Toy Story 3

there's some things you just have to experience to ever know or understand. even when you think you get it, you don't. you have to have been there. 

there's some places you had to have visited to really be able to see a clear picture of in your mind; when you close your eyes, do you have memories there? does someone come to mind? what does that place mean to you?

we all have places that we will never forget. because something happened there. someone's there. there's some place where you made a memory that you just know you will never forget. because it's like a part of you. 

maybe you left a part of you there. maybe you will never get that part back. 

i think of Toy Story 3, where mrs. Potato Head leaves one of her eyes behind in Andy's room.  she left a part of her in a place that meant something to her. a part of her remained in a place where memories had been made, laughs had been shared…where her life was. and when she was forced to go, there was still a part of her that was there, that was left behind. so when she closed her eye, she could see andy's room. 

i think we all have those moments, those memories.

we are forced to go. something happens and we have to leave behind some place that meant the world to us. and because it meant that much, a part of us gets left behind. and now, when we close our eyes, we can still see it. we still see it and we wonder if we can ever get it back; if we can ever GO back. 

i realize she's a potato head, a fictitious character. but does that mean i need to disregard the message screaming in my head? the truth is there. in the most unexpected form, yes. but that doesn't make it any less of the truth. if you read between the lines, you can note the message clearly stated. the message about love, and losing. memories, and home. forgetting and remembering.

about life.

♥

"I needed space, wanted someone else, i had to leave ya, just to realize that i miss ya, now i don't know what i did!"

so maybe somewhere, some small part of me, feels like this is going nowhere. 

for the first time, the first time, since we've moved here...i actually felt like running away. and i don't mean from home. no, i mean the, "pick it all up, shove it in a truck we are SO, out of here..." kind.

i am just tired. tired of these faces. i want to see new ones. i am tired because i've made more enemies than friends; people that i can't stand, try to avoid, people that hate me...

i am just sick of all of this. i need something different. i want to break in something new. i want to go some place where no one knows me, no one knows OF me, no one's heard rumors about me...i want to go to that place. because there...i could be anything i wanted to. 

i could be me.

but i get the feeling i'm here for a while, regardless. i get the feeling that this is supposed to be my home now. i get the feeling that there is no getting away from these people, and no getting new ones. 

i get the feeling God might be telling me to not just run away from my problems. no, not again. i get the feeling He is trying to gently remind me of how well that DIDN'T work out for me last time...

so maybe i need to deal with this. maybe more than that i need to let HIM. i think that may be the best option of them all. because i like it here! i do. the beach, the sun,  the town. and i have some friends...maybe running away isn't always the answer, but merely human instinct; first instinct. and i also know i cannot deal with this on my own. i need Jesus. i do. always. forever. i love You.

"You think that it is over, when did it ever begin?"

i don't understand. i just...don't. nothing in my world makes sense right now. nothing is right. not that it ever was, i guess. but i didn't feel this empty before. no, nothing hurt this much before you. but now, everything hurts. everything. i do things that used to make me happy...and i just can't find the joy in them anymore. its just this state that i am stuck in. this state of confusion, emptiness, and loneliness. nothing is the same. and i know i have you to blame for that...or should i be thanking you? see, i can't even tell. i don't know anymore. i don't think i know anything anymore. i'm not sure i ever did.
and i'm not sure which hurts more. you taking my happiness away, or the possibility that it never existed?
but i read those words over. that's not true. no, i WAS happy. at one point in my life. or maybe even at many points. but i'm just not anymore. and another thing?


it's not even your fault.

but i DO still want to blame you. because if i can't...then who do i blame? if this isn't your doing...then what is it? i don't think i will ever understand. i don't think this will ever make sense to me again; anything.

I HATE THIS!!!!


but i love you.

and so, somehow, that seems to outweigh...everything. everything else dims in comparison to you. somehow my life feels ok. suddenly the pain seems more than worthwhile..but all for what?
you're not here. my suffering doesn't change that. my being miserable, slipping back into the mindset of never being good enough for anyone..what good does that do us? you?

ME?

i'll tell you. it doesn't do us an ounce of good. and i can't deal with this now. not on here anyways. i'm sure this will haunt me all day. and i can complain all i want, but i think even if i knew how to make this go away, i wouldn't. because i think with it...you would go.

and its not worth it. somehow...

its never worth it...

Beautiful dreams, reduced to nothing right before my eyes.

i am a mess today. oh, not on the outside. i look fine. i can hold things together impeccably well. but inside...

i keep flashing back today. to a couple years ago, when i heard something that i brushed off in a way, but that also stuck with me all these years, and i'll never know why. but this memory that i have, is one that means something to me now, though it didn't when i heard it. this memory...is one, of her expressing her love...

for you.

i recall hearing your mom, tell my mom, that this girl had sent you a love letter. it was a rather funny story, actually, about you running up to your room and locking it on your safe, letting no one read it. and at the time i might have even laughed. but now...

i don't think its funny. i admire her courage, for one thing. and i wish that i could be that brave...

but i also envy her. i envy her ability to be able to tell you that. it seems, the very thing i admire, is also the reason i don't like her. 

is that fair? to not like a girl you've never even met?

i recall asking these questions last valentines day. i was sitting here alone and having the nerve to question that. i know why i am alone. i know why no one ever loves me. and i say that i hate it. but the truth is, i don't do anything about it. i don't do anything to change it. i could; i know what the problem is. but i also know how i am. i realize, and am strong enough to admit, that i don't WANT to change. because i don't want to be something i am not. 

and yet, when i get around you, sometimes i think i would be anything... anything you wanted me to be i would become. i am so desperate...so filled with desire...my heart aches because i don't know what to do without you.

but would i really know what to do with you? i devote all this time to complaining about how you're not with me..but have i ever stopped to even wonder if i'd be really happy with you?

no. i never have and quite honestly i never want to.

but i am beginning to realize i have to. at some point, i am going to have to confront my dreams and question them. do i really want to make them a reality? are you really what i want? what i need? and for just a second, will i be able to stop being selfish and wonder if i am what YOU need? 

maybe all you are destined to be is a beautiful dream. something that kept me sane. kept me grounded. but in the end, a fantasy. maybe you will never be real to me.

kind of like how i am to you. never real. am i just that girl that you will forever see the same? do you still see me as the little 5 year old girl that lived down the block from you? why can't you see that i am 16 now? why can't you just accept this? why can't you treat me like the beautiful girl that i am? the woman that i am? or will i forever be cursed with being viewed that way? ONE way? i want you to see me! i scream. but i don't mean it. not completely. sometimes...i would be any girl. sometimes i would pretend. and i know that would be wrong. i know that would lead us down a dangerous road but that's just it. it would lead US. and it would lead us SOMEWHERE. as opposed to the nowhere we are now. so, would i do what it takes? isn't that love? or is it just desperation crying out and showing my true colors? because, yea, i am a fake. sometimes. but when i'm with you...that's me! but look at how well that's working out for me!! sometimes i wish i could just know what you wanted. because sometimes i think i would be her. 

"that you, will never be..." ♥

"i used to accept it, i didn't know i could be free, but i am, and i won't go back cuz you so don't deserve me, i don't even wanna be her, i'm sorry for changin, i'm sorry it had to be this way, believe me, it's easier just to pretend, but i won't apologize...why should i apologize, no i won't apologize for who i am." ♥ never. ever. will you get me to change. you won't ever get me to apologize. because you know what? i'm NOT sorry. and i don't think i ever will be. why should i be? can you tell me that? no. i know you can't. but you aren't the type to have a logical argument with. i forgot, you are perfect, i am the one that i always wrong. no, i'm not the only one. you are just the only one that is ever right. it is so clear that everyone else lies, but you are ALWAYS right (can you sense it? my sarcasm? yea, i thought so...) what you did today was unacceptable. what he did, what you let him do...over and over and over! seriously?! yea..but people write it off. 'that's just how they are'. or they side with you. i know you don't think you really are perfect. you might tell yourself that so you can sleep, but you don't honestly believe that! no, i know you don't. but i won't even bother to ask, because i already know what you'd say, and i also already know the truth. nothing about you is real anymore. nothing about you is genuine, or sincere...and i'm not sure it ever was. but even if it was, its not there anymore. you aren't that same person, assuming you ever were. which, let me tell you, is a stretch, and a BIG "if". but, then again, so are you. just a big "if". a stretch. nope. nothing real there. nothing honest. you are just one big lie and that seems to be what you are after so, fine, i'll let you there. and i am sorry if this hurts you. i am sorry but i am also sorry for being sorry.
because i know that is one thing...amongst many...that you will just never be.

"you't think by now i'd learn your games, but somehow i forget..."

i would just like to know something. just one thing. tell me why i always have to be the one to initiate it. anything. always. i just don't understand. is it that you don't like me, or it this just how guys are?

"you're the song, in the car, i keep singin don't know why i do..."

a part of me loved you. at one time. or maybe it wasn't actually love. but every time i like a guy, it feels like love. 

anyways, we had something. but then, you've always been distant, you've always been short, you've always been cold…

its like this game that you play.

…

but i play it too.

why? why would i put up with this? oh, the things i take from guys. the things i put myself through.

you've never shown interest. not that i can remember. and sure, our parents set up that "arranged marriage", hahaha ;) but we had nothing to do with that. ha, i heard our moms just confirmed the other day that the marriage was still on! 

your mom also said you still talk about me.

i tend to wonder if your mom lies.

not that that is something i EVER wanted to think!

but when we talk it just seems like…you don't care. 

so why on earth would you still talk about me to your family??

why would you have ever talked about me? i never knew this.

i'm not sure i ever…heard you talk about me.

you barely talk TO me.

"I'm captivated, by you baby, like a fireworks show..."

there is something inside of me that feels like the person you make a life with should be the person that helped you make it all along…is that right? ♥

and that the one worth waiting for, is the one waiting.

maybe these are skewed misconceptions. maybe i've got it all wrong, after all, what would i know? i have no experience. 

but i do know what i feel. that no one can deny or take away from me. ever.

and i feel like there is a person out there for me. and maybe it doesn't matter if i've known him my whole life, or if he hasn't been there every step of the way. because maybe that is all part of the mystery. part of the fun. 

maybe i don't have to know every step. maybe there is some fun in the surprise, and the spontaneity.  maybe, just maybe, there is something more, something better, than the shallow, superficial relationships i am surrounded by. and maybe i just need to look. 

or maybe, i need to stop looking. stop searching and chasing…

and let myself be found. let my heart be captured and let myself be captivated. 

stop.

and let it be ♥

"Bring me back to holding hands in the rain...still i can't explain our july in the rain.." ♥

im thinking about you tonight :) its what i do when i need you. i think about you. i can't imagine you here with me anymore. i can't pretend, even for a minute, i can't dream you up in my head because when i wake up from that dream, alone, it hurts.
more than just not dreaming of you at all. 
hehe... we have a song. did you know that? i play it when i miss you. it makes me smile...
like you do :)
i miss you but i know that they say good things take time.
well, baby, you are amazing. and i am willing to wait.
i am putting this, us, in His Hands. and that, my friend, feels incredible :) 

♥

"More than you, more than you know..." ♥

have you ever lived one of those restless nights? the kind where you just lie in bed and cannot sleep for anything, cuz you know that you need to do something? where you feel too much and you just need to get away? the kind where you need to shut your mind up, but it seems to have plans of it own?

i have. i live those nights more than you'd think. 

or how about the kind where you know you have to do something, but all you can do is sit there and think about me? think about someone? i do. i know i need to go. i know there's a million things i need to do right now. i know that the next morning when i catch my breath again and can function properly, i am going to have so much to do, because i wasted time the night before. but the simple fact is, and nothing can change it, is that i can't do anything about it. i am feeling sooo much. i want to go sit outside. no, i want to throw on my coat and go lie in the snow. feel the cold soak through my jeans, straight into me. i want to stare up at the stars, and think. think about life and everything and just…feel. 

well. i cant do that. but i also know i cannot sit and waste my whole night here either. i have to get up. i have things to do. but i don't think you're going to leave me alone.

and i don't think i'm going to ask you to…♥

"you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast..." ♥

you know, its days like this that, if i close my eyes, i can almost pretend that its summer again. the hanging out with friends, running back and forth between houses, hanging out as late as we can before our parents drag us home. Still calling out plans for tomorrow as said parents drag us home.
:) yea. if i close my eyes, and forget that fact that i can't feel my toes, the sledding hill can feel just like the playground. i can pretend that the house isn't being heated, but that the air conditioner just isn't working.
the only thing that's missing is the beach...i haven't quite found a way around that one yet ;)
but i wonder why this feels so amazing? yes, theres no school. another thing, is i have no commitments. i worked my summer away. so while this was the best summer ever for a lot of people...i missed it. or i let it pass me by. quite honestly i  think i will never know which is the truth...or why. why i let it go, just like that. like it meant nothing to me when, in reality, it meant everything.
but people make mistakes. people hold onto things they shouldn't...

and people let things that mean the world to them...go without a fight.

its human nature. when something gets hard we immediately let go, or hold tighter. i don't know which i am more...but i think its more of the latter. but this summer...i let it go. it got to be too much for me. there was just so much stuff i had to do and deal with, that something had to go.

somehow, that something ended up being my summer.

but now its winter break. my friends are back together. we are living at someone's house everyday...

and i can almost pretend. close my eyes and...

pretend. ♥

"knowing if i had but one kiss, the whole room would be glowing.." ♥

its 4 days till new years eve. i have but one wish for the new year. love me. kiss me.

oh, but now i guess you can't do that.

haha. do you know what i have been dreaming about lately?

I dream that, come new years, you will be here. i dream that you will party with me and my friends, and, when it comes time to ring in the new year, you will squeeze in close to me and we will count it down together. in reality, the room is full of our family and friends, but in my head you are the only one i can see. and when the countdown is over and the confetti falls, i dream that you will sweep me up and kiss me. 

What a perfect end to one year, and beginning to another. :) ahhh…

yep. that'd be perfect…

except for one thing.

(well, ok maybe there's more than one issue here!)

but…you can't kiss me.

*sigh. i made a vow. my first kiss..is going to be…

at the altar.

on my wedding day.

so…this new years, you can't kiss me.

as much as i want you to and as much as i sometimes even think i would break my vow…for you…

but i know i would regret it and that it would taint the kiss and it wouldn't even be as beautiful as it deserves.

so then i guess this is all stupid. this is all pointless. all this dreaming does is make me discontent.

"maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming…" ♥

"i've tried, but it takes two to make it, i'm obsessed and you can't fake it"

i will never be done fighting for you. never. nothing has changed and i am still here. im far away but that doesn't mean anything. nothing has changed between us. i need you to see this. i need you to know that no matter what...i will never give up. because i know i would regret it for the rest of my life...if i did. if i just gave up fighting for you, i know that would be the biggest mistake of my life. i know it. and so i'm not gonna let it happen. i'm not. listen to me, i will NEVER be done fighting for you...ever. ♥