i don't understand. i just...don't. nothing in my world makes sense right now. nothing is right. not that it ever was, i guess. but i didn't feel this empty before. no, nothing hurt this much before you. but now, everything hurts. everything. i do things that used to make me happy...and i just can't find the joy in them anymore. its just this state that i am stuck in. this state of confusion, emptiness, and loneliness. nothing is the same. and i know i have you to blame for that...or should i be thanking you? see, i can't even tell. i don't know anymore. i don't think i know anything anymore. i'm not sure i ever did.
and i'm not sure which hurts more. you taking my happiness away, or the possibility that it never existed?
but i read those words over. that's not true. no, i WAS happy. at one point in my life. or maybe even at many points. but i'm just not anymore. and another thing?
it's not even your fault.
but i DO still want to blame you. because if i can't...then who do i blame? if this isn't your doing...then what is it? i don't think i will ever understand. i don't think this will ever make sense to me again; anything.
I HATE THIS!!!!
but i love you.
and so, somehow, that seems to outweigh...everything. everything else dims in comparison to you. somehow my life feels ok. suddenly the pain seems more than worthwhile..but all for what?
you're not here. my suffering doesn't change that. my being miserable, slipping back into the mindset of never being good enough for anyone..what good does that do us? you?
i'll tell you. it doesn't do us an ounce of good. and i can't deal with this now. not on here anyways. i'm sure this will haunt me all day. and i can complain all i want, but i think even if i knew how to make this go away, i wouldn't. because i think with it...you would go.
and its not worth it. somehow...
its never worth it...