Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Beautiful dreams, reduced to nothing right before my eyes.

i am a mess today. oh, not on the outside. i look fine. i can hold things together impeccably well. but inside...
i keep flashing back today. to a couple years ago, when i heard something that i brushed off in a way, but that also stuck with me all these years, and i'll never know why. but this memory that i have, is one that means something to me now, though it didn't when i heard it. this one, of her expressing her love...

for you.

i recall hearing your mom, tell my mom, that this girl had sent you a love letter. it was a rather funny story, actually, about you running up to your room and locking it on your safe, letting no one read it. and at the time i might have even laughed. but now...
i don't think its funny. i admire her courage, for one thing. and i wish that i could be that brave...
but i also envy her. i envy her ability to be able to tell you that. it seems, the very thing i admire, is also the reason i don't like her. 
is that fair? to not like a girl you've never even met?
i recall asking these questions last valentines day. i was sitting here alone and having the nerve to question that. i know why i am alone. i know why no one ever loves me. and i say that i hate it. but the truth is, i don't do anything about it. i don't do anything to change it. i could; i know what the problem is. but i also know how i am. i realize, and am strong enough to admit, that i don't WANT to change. because i don't want to be something i am not. 
and yet, when i get around you, sometimes i think i would be anything... anything you wanted me to be i would become. i am so filled with heart aches because i don't know what to do without you.
but would i really know what to do with you? i devote all this time to complaining about how you're not with me..but have i ever stopped to even wonder if i'd be really happy with you?
no. i never have and quite honestly i never want to.

but i am beginning to realize i have to. at some point, i am going to have to confront my dreams and question them. do i really want to make them a reality? are you really what i want? what i need? and for just a second, will i be able to stop being selfish and wonder if i am what YOU need? 
maybe all you are destined to be is a beautiful dream. something that kept me sane. kept me grounded. but in the end, a fantasy. maybe you will never be real to me.
kind of like how i am to you. never real. am i just that girl that you will forever see the same? do you still see me as the little 5 year old girl that lived down the block from you? why can't you see that i am 16 now? why can't you just accept this? why can't you treat me like the beautiful girl that i am? the woman that i am? or will i forever be cursed with being viewed that way? ONE way? i want you to see me! i scream. but i don't mean it. not completely. sometimes...i would be any girl. sometimes i would pretend. and i know that would be wrong. i know that would lead us down a dangerous road but that's just it. it would lead US. and it would lead us SOMEWHERE. as opposed to the nowhere we are now. so, would i do what it takes? isn't that love? or is it just desperation crying out and showing my true colors? because, yea, i am a fake. sometimes. but when i'm with you...that's me! but look at how well that's working out for me!! sometimes i wish i could just know what you wanted. because sometimes i think i would be her. 

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