Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"I needed space, wanted someone else, i had to leave ya, just to realize that i miss ya, now i don't know what i did!"

so maybe somewhere, some small part of me, feels like this is going nowhere. 

for the first time, the first time, since we've moved here...i actually felt like running away. and i don't mean from home. no, i mean the, "pick it all up, shove it in a truck we are SO, out of here..." kind.
i am just tired. tired of these faces. i want to see new ones. i am tired because i've made more enemies than friends; people that i can't stand, try to avoid, people that hate me...
i am just sick of all of this. i need something different. i want to break in something new. i want to go some place where no one knows me, no one knows OF me, no one's heard rumors about me...i want to go to that place. because there...i could be anything i wanted to. 

i could be me.

but i get the feeling i'm here for a while, regardless. i get the feeling that this is supposed to be my home now. i get the feeling that there is no getting away from these people, and no getting new ones. 

i get the feeling God might be telling me to not just run away from my problems. no, not again. i get the feeling He is trying to gently remind me of how well that DIDN'T work out for me last time...

so maybe i need to deal with this. maybe more than that i need to let HIM. i think that may be the best option of them all. because i like it here! i do. the beach, the sun,  the town. and i have some friends...maybe running away isn't always the answer, but merely human instinct; first instinct. and i also know i cannot deal with this on my own. i need Jesus. i do. always. forever. i love You.

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