I am breaking down right now. not on the outside. i am good at concealing that.
but on the inside my heart is cracking.
"NO!" it cries out. it says this isn't happening.
it says it can't be.
what happened to....
what happened to all the happiness?
i miss that so dearly. i feel like i am walking on eggshells...except that im not. i SHOULD be. but i cannot seem to find it in myself.
i am so hurt and lost and lonely right now. i need to dig into my Bible. And yet...i just cannot find it in myself.
i should. i know. i know i will feel SO much better if i do.
but yet i am hurt and i am scared and i am...
and i was just thinking about how i need to stop using that as an excuse. that i need to suck it up and just be strong. be strong in my King. be strong instead of always desiring to be and allowing myself to become weak at inappropriate times.
i use my weakness as an excuse and it makes my defenses weak...and thats how satan wins. time and time again. he wins. he tempts me and im weak.
i fall and i give in.
which i am so sick of.
and thats why i am trying to change.
but the thought of being weak is so tempting. sometimes i feel like i have been far too strong for a seventeen year old girl.
and i simply desire to be weak.
and yet i know that is simply not an option.
i read some verses in my Bible earlier this week that i proceeded to copy down, and have been reading ever since.
"If any of you wants to be My follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross and follow Me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for Me, you will find true life."
and i am struggling so much with THAT because i have a crazy dream that i so long to go after. and yet, the verse clearly states, that i am to put aside my "selfish ambition". And thats what this dream is, right?
yeah. i thought so too...
my life is a cluttered, chaotic mess right now.
i need to get into my Bible and yet....
here i sit.
where is my willpower?
where is my desire for Christ?
Why does everything feel like its at a standstill?
Its like, everything in life is coming at me, all at once. and i just stand here and let it all hit me.