Monday, May 16, 2011

Breaking Down Walls, Putting Windows In Their Place?

sometimes i look around me and think that everyone around me is so perfect. i feel like if i opened up and showed them my life and my flaws and my struggles and imperfections, that they wouldn't understand. i mean, how could they, if their lives are perfect?
but here's the thing. I am being just as narrow minded about other people, as other people are about me!
people have told me that they look at me and go, "she's got it all together."
well…not quite.
but what i am doing is looking around me, and saying, "oh, she's got it all figured out." "Oh, his life is flawless." "Oh, she would never stumble in this area."
I am making judgements about people.

And i am giving myself an excuse to hide my flaws.

That is ultimately what this is, isn't it?
hm…i didn't realize it before, but thats what it looks like…
Instead of being strong enough to break down my walls and truly let people in, i reenforce said walls, thinking that if people saw me inside and out, they would run.

I have learned that this isn't true. that most people have SOME sort of flaw…
that people aren't as perfect as they look.
and i know this is true because people think i am so "innocent and perfect".
and im not. i am innocent in a lot of ways…but not entirely..
and i am nowhere near perfect.
but at the risk of getting hurt…i built walls.
walls that i just don't quite know how to knock down.
walls…that i'm not quite sure i WANT to knock down….

i sat in church yesterday as they talked about relationships. And when they got to the part about women being tough…
it hit me.
oh, i know i am tough. but i am tough because ive had to be!
life has hit me hard, and in order to stop getting hurt, i built walls. 
and i have isolated myself.
even my mom noticed. 
she actually pointed out the isolation thing to me, (though everyone knows i am tough…i was unaware of the isolation thing)
but its true.
i push people away. i am sick of getting hurt and shoved out…
so i do the shoving. 
but it is different when i do it.
because, unlike when people shoved me out, i don't let anyone get close.
people always let me get close, close enough to hold my heart…and then they crushed it.
they always hurt me.
so i just stopped letting people get close.

this is so hard to write because my heart has hardened over some. there are so many scars and wounds…and in writing this, i can feel some of them starting to rip back open.
i am so sick of getting hurt. 
i am so sick of putting my heart out there…
because it always comes back scarred!!
and i'll just be real honest.
i don't know how many more scars this old heart can take.
i really…
i just don't.
but i know that i have to learn to trust again.
because if i give up again, then all this pain was for nothing. i need to trust or i will never find that one worth trusting. and if i never find him…then my heart is scarred for nothing.
i will NOT let this all be for nothing.

so, how do i break down these walls? how do i let people in? how do i get over this idea that everyone is so much better than me? how do i get over the fear that if people see the "real me", aka my flaws, they won't love me? because i want to let people in. i don't want to think that my relationships aren't real, because people don't see me entirely. 
but, do i have to share all of me with everyone for a relationship to me real and honest?

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