Breaking Down Walls, Putting Windows In Their Place?

sometimes i look around me and think that everyone around me is so perfect. i feel like if i opened up and showed them my life and my flaws and my struggles and imperfections, that they wouldn't understand. i mean, how could they, if their lives are perfect?

but here's the thing. I am being just as narrow minded about other people, as other people are about me!

people have told me that they look at me and go, "she's got it all together."

well…not quite.

but what i am doing is looking around me, and saying, "oh, she's got it all figured out." "Oh, his life is flawless." "Oh, she would never stumble in this area."

I am making judgements about people.

And i am giving myself an excuse to hide my flaws.

That is ultimately what this is, isn't it?

hm…i didn't realize it before, but thats what it looks like…

Instead of being strong enough to break down my walls and truly let people in, i reenforce said walls, thinking that if people saw me inside and out, they would run.

I have learned that this isn't true. that most people have SOME sort of flaw…

that people aren't as perfect as they look.

and i know this is true because people think i am so "innocent and perfect".

and im not. i am innocent in a lot of ways…but not entirely..

and i am nowhere near perfect.

but at the risk of getting hurt…i built walls.

walls that i just don't quite know how to knock down.

walls…that i'm not quite sure i WANT to knock down….

i sat in church yesterday as they talked about relationships. And when they got to the part about women being tough…

it hit me.

oh, i know i am tough. but i am tough because ive had to be!

life has hit me hard, and in order to stop getting hurt, i built walls. 

and i have isolated myself.

even my mom noticed. 

she actually pointed out the isolation thing to me, (though everyone knows i am tough…i was unaware of the isolation thing)

but its true.

i push people away. i am sick of getting hurt and shoved out…

so i do the shoving. 

but it is different when i do it.

because, unlike when people shoved me out, i don't let anyone get close.

people always let me get close, close enough to hold my heart…and then they crushed it.

they always hurt me.

so i just stopped letting people get close.

this is so hard to write because my heart has hardened over some. there are so many scars and wounds…and in writing this, i can feel some of them starting to rip back open.

i am so sick of getting hurt. 

i am so sick of putting my heart out there…

because it always comes back scarred!!

and i'll just be real honest.

i don't know how many more scars this old heart can take.

i really…

i just don't.

but i know that i have to learn to trust again.

because if i give up again, then all this pain was for nothing. i need to trust or i will never find that one worth trusting. and if i never find him…then my heart is scarred for nothing.

i will NOT let this all be for nothing.

so, how do i break down these walls? how do i let people in? how do i get over this idea that everyone is so much better than me? how do i get over the fear that if people see the "real me", aka my flaws, they won't love me? because i want to let people in. i don't want to think that my relationships aren't real, because people don't see me entirely. 

but, do i have to share all of me with everyone for a relationship to me real and honest?

How He loves us!

"Go, and sin no more,

He said I will not condemn you,

I'll forgive and I'll forget it all.

Go, and sin no more

My child let me remind you

it is I who'll lead and guide you as you go…" <3 <3 <3

God is merciful and gracious :)

"I don't wanna be afraid, i wanna wake up feeling beautiful, today..."

I am never going to be better than anyone, so i might as well give up trying.


But the truth? The truth is that i don't even want to be better than them. It's not a goal of mine. I just want everyone to see that i'm not going to BE anyone else...
and to accept me just the same.


but thinking about all of this has raised some questions for me. One in particular.


Why do we spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to other people, or allowing others to compare us and then trying to live up to their standards?


I mean, if i am sitting here and saying in all honesty that i don't even want to be them, then why do i constantly worry about measuring up in the eyes of ignorant people? Or any people, for that matter?


What if life goes beyond this? What if God is just sitting up there waiting for me to come to Him? To realize that, hey, maybe there is more to my life than being compared to someone i don't even want to become. 
And sure, they're not all bad. That's not what i'm saying. Yeah, there are certain things about them that i don't like and don't ever want to become!
But the point of this really has nothing to do with ANYone else. 
The point of this...is that maybe, just maybe, I am sick and tired of trying to be everyone else.
And, for once, i just want to be me.


I pray that that'll be good enough.
I pray....that I'll be good enough.
And if i'm not, then there's the door.
I won't put up with this...a single second more.
<3

ILOVEYOU

I just wanted to take a second and say, to all my friends, i love you! thank you so much for always being there for me! God has really done something radical for me! He has blessed me with amazing friends. =D i remember not too long ago praying and praying for some friends. i felt so alone. i had no friends, really. but...God has changed things SO much!! I don't have hundreds of friends. My facebook doesn't have 800 friends or anything even close. But those that i have mean so much to me! I am so thankful and grateful and i just wanted to let you know that you have blessed my life so much!
ILOVEYOU!! <3
-Morgan

Dear Future Husband...

I started a journal today. A journal to my future husband. Journal entries, prayers, those kinds of things :)
It is kind of a neat thing actually :) I have heard of people writing letters, but a journal just kind of worked out for me :)
wow...lots of smiley faces! haha what can i say? Love makes me happy! =D
And actually i think this may turn out to be a really good thing. A nice place to get out everything i want him to know right away. A nice place to just be real. And, who knows, maybe one day he will get to see it. Anyways, thats the idea :)

So i took some serious time to write out a prayer for him in there. i haven't prayed for him much..i am sad to admit.
But doing so today felt so...right <3
I don't know who he is. Whether i know him or not...and yeah, i wish i did!! I would love to know whether or not i know him; i'd love to know who he is. but i know that God has a perfect timing. I am learning to rely more on Him! <3
Anyways, just wanted to share what's going on :)
Sometimes i feel like all i do is come on here to complain. And i do that because this is one of the only places i can do so. But i wanted to share something sweet on here too! :)

I'm used to leaving...

But what if i want something more?

Why is it that every time i fight for what i want and win, i start to second guess if its really what i want after all?

i got what i wanted. so why i am i trying to backtrack now?

I am feeling so much right now that i don't even know how to get it all down on paper. And i know i will feel so much better once its out there and i can see my feelings for what they are…but sometimes i just don't even know where to start. 

everyone keeps asking me, but i don't have an answer for them.

because, as much as i thought i did, i don't know what i want.

no, thats not true. i know what i want. i just don't know what the right next move is.

i am so quick to make a move and think about it later. not very Christian living though, now is it? yeah..so i am trying to wait on God. Which is a lot easier when you have 

A. patience

and

B. time to decide. 

but i have never been patient.

and i am forever under time constraints.

still i am trying to take time to seek out God's Will…guess its time to open my Bible and ask my girls.

if anyone reading this has advice for me…ha. i guess it would help if i told you what im talking about! ^_^ hahaha

my job. my boss wants me to do illegal things, confronted and lied to my mom, got angry with me on the phone and, when i told her i was uncomfortable working illegally (for cash) at an offsite warehouse with people i don't  trust, she told me she "doesn't care what i'm comfortable with".

i was offered a job with my mommy. fabulous! <3

its summer work.

should i keep this other crummy job as backup, in case i don't find something come fall?

or should i run and never look back because….that is what i SO long to do?

do i stay, or do i take a risk, jump, and see if i fly?

<3 Thanks love you! :)

You are loved

"you are loved

you are cherished

you are more than anyone could see

and just imagine what you could be

you are known

you are blessed

you mean everything and more to me

oh how i wish that you could see

you are loved…<3"

--Morgan--

Wave goodbye to negativity! :)

I am borrowing an idea from my friend Kaitlyn.
Because i can feel the negatives trying to consume me, i am going to stop and take a moment to focus on the positives in my life.

6 positive things in my life (since 6 is my favorite number!)

1- I got a new job today!!! :D

2- God is a loving and forgiving God and i can never run out of second chances with Him!! <3

3- I have loving friends to listen to me and support me and who are always there for me! :) And God has opened some doors i thought were forever closed, as well as brought some old friends (as well as new!) back into my life!!

4- God has blessed me with not only many close friends, but a true best friend. Which is something i thought i would never find again, after losing my first one. I thought maybe each person was only allowed one best friend in their life, and if you lost yours...too bad...
BUT! i should have known better than to doubt that God could give me a new and bestest friend! She is always there for me and i love her so much!! And i am so thankful that God has blessed me with her!!

5- I have been writing lots of songs lately and i think i am getting pretty good, if i can say so without sounding conceited. It's nice to have something you feel good at! :)

6- I have the most amazing family ever. And we fight and have had our share (and more!) of disputes, but in the end, we love each other, forgive each other and stand by each other. And we have put God back at the center of our lives!!
How much more could you ask for? :)

hmmm...i think Kaitlyn was right. This is a very therapeutic activity. And, if you are reading this, i hope you don't mind that i borrowed this! <3

"Give me clean hands, oh God, give me a pure heart..."

God has forgiven me...


so why can't I forgive myself...?

"So baby tell me where'd you ever learn, to fight without saying a word..."

The more and more i am honest with myself…

i don't think you and i are as perfect for each other as i may have let myself believe.

and this is why i hate being honest. even with myself.

but sometimes you have to. you have to stop and just say…this is what it is. at first, denying my feelings for you was nothing more than a survival tool. snooping little siblings, especially little brothers that i was afraid would let info slip, made it necessary. 

but all of a sudden i am coming face to face with the reality that maybe…

maybe all of this was a pretty little dream. ya know, the kind that seems so real. the kind you never want to wake up from.

i think i just woke up. =/

and as much as i hate to admit it to myself….

i think i was holding onto you. because i needed something to hold. someone to hold. 

and so i grasped onto you.

or maybe its just that ive been away so long. maybe my not seeing you is what has got me doubting. i don't know. i am scared. i don't want you to fade.

but at the same time, i feel peaceful.

which might be what scares me most.

Why would you wanna break, a perfectly good heart?

i let people take advantage of me.

i don't know why. i just do.

and nothing ever changes as a result. because i either stay and let them play me, or i run away and never look back.

i for one am sick of running. 

and im also sick of staying.

does anyone see an option C?

yeah…me neither. 

i am praying, i have my girls praying…but nothing is very clear right now. and i would just wait to make a move, wait until the answer was crystal clear. but i can't. i'm on a deadline. if i have to walk in there on wednesday and i don't have an answer for you…an excuse…

more than anything you want me to comply. but i won't. everyone tells me to, but then, since when did i listen to everyone? 

and im not referring to my close friends, my mom…i'm referring to, once again, people who are sticking their noses in my business. and the one person i trusted to stick up for me, stood there and agreed…

i am stuck. i have to pick. i want to run. someone please help me. i know i have nowhere to go from here but up, and yet i still feel like i'm going down.

i remember the freedom i felt last autumn. i said i was done. done with everyone and their stupidity. i walked away from a life and never intended to return. 

i was so happy i was actually dancing around my backyard when i hung up that phone. it wasn't planned, but something came over me and i knew i had to do it.

so i did.

i felt so free.

and then i came back.

i got talked into something i didn't want to.

i said i was strong.

i proved i was weak.

and i let myself believe things weren't "that bad".

so i let them progress to the points where i came home in tears. i was afraid to go somewhere for fear of who might be there. i longed to leave this whole town behind. because, instead of making friends, like normal kids, i made enemies. lots of enemies.

all because i wouldn't let someone walk all over me.

i eventually got out of that situation.

little did i know that, in walking away from that one, i was walking right into the doors of another. right into the arms of another person who only wanted to push me around.

and people wonder why i have trust issues? 

i just can't let this scene escalate the way the last one did. so much was broken. my heart in pieces…and i'm pretty sure in the process i hurt some other people. because of you i had to leave people behind. people i cared about. i ran. and i never looked back.

i wanted to. not for you. but for the people i was hurting. 

i am still working to rebuild those bridges i burned.

all because of ONE. PERSON.

and i vowed to never go down that road again.

note to self. when there is an unmarked road, ask around before venturing down it.

so yeah, maybe i learned my lesson for next time.

the only question that remains, is how to get out of this time…?

Imissyou

and then there's you…

i knew better than to think about you…but i did it anyways. what i didn't know was how much it would hurt.

thoughts of you floated in on the breeze..little did i know they were razor-edged memories. they ripped into my heart.

great…

i am praying that God will right my head and heart. because, as much as thinking about you hurts, i like it. and yet i know its dangerous. i need to keep myself in check. i need to not let thoughts of you crowd of God AGAIN!! and none of that is YOUR fault. i am the one that let it happen. 

but the fact is, i need to be careful. but tell me, is thinking about you so wrong? as long as i keep myself in check...is it so wrong?

"Someday i'll be, big enough that you can't hit me..."

i'm lying here listening to Demi Lovato's Back Around.

I am mad at her for the way she talked to me today. for assuming i would just be there for whatever she needed and that i would be her puppet and just play along at a tug of the strings. The way people talk i'm sure i have a reputation there too. a reputation for being innocent and quiet. whatever. 

but she thought she could cross me and yell a little and i would give in. people always assume that.

But you were wrong. i knew you would yell. and i looked like the bigger person because i remained calm. monotone even.

i remained mature.

something most people i know cannot manage. if you are unhappy with your life, stressed, whatever, that doesn't give you reason to take it out on me. and i know exactly why its me you choose to mess with. 

BECAUSE YOU THINK I'LL TAKE IT.

And you're wrong!

Obviously. I proved that today. And i don't want to go on and on about this because all it does it frustrate me more. and you don't deserve it!

"I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer…"

so, once i am finished ranting here…i will try to forget. 

except that i can't. because i have to deal with this. grrr…stupid people always messing with my head. 

Forget you!!

grrrrrr :@ yeah…whatever. if you don't respect me, which you obviously DON'T then i suppose i need to not care either. 

i am pretty sure i will be leaving. as soon as i work up the nerve. i hate that you are making me go through this AGAIN!! because i hate this process. but i won't stay simply because i am too scared to make the first move to leave. =/ But good try! hahaha you think i am so innocent and i will just play along. well, today was only a little taste of what's to come! (*evil chuckle) yep. you just wait. i have let far too many people take advantage of me. but i won't let you. you don't deserve it. you don't even pretend to hide your disdain. "forget you and for-get him too…" hahaha. XD

that's perfect, i'll go listen to that and laugh! :) and in a couple of days you will regret having ever crossed me and having shown me so much disrespect! =P

"I wanna wake up feeling beautiful..."

it's scary how increasingly fake i am getting. 
i am looking at hair extensions. i have dyed my hair. i hate winter paleness and would get a tan if i could.  i cover my face in foundation every morning and slather my eyelashes in mascara and i don't feel beautiful until i've done that. and no one can say anything against that because i never let people see me without makeup. there is a handful of people i guess, but it is small...
Anyways, the point is...fake nails. fake hair. fake faces. 
and i stand here and say i want to be real. 
ha!
i don't know where this is gong but its something i've noticed about myself. i am happy to know it now rather than later when everything had elevated and progressed and whatnot. 
It is something i will be praying about later tonight when i write in my (newly established!!) prayer journal <3
because i don't want to be fake. not again. not when i was just coming to terms with being real. <3