Monday, September 27, 2010

this is all i can do, maybe i should be sorry but i just can't right now

i'm holdin on your rope got me ten feet off the ground
and im hearin what ya say but i just cant make a sound
you tell me that you need me and then you go and cut me down but wait
you tell me that you're sorry, didn't think id turn around and say

i'd take another chance take a fall take a shot for you
and i need you like a heart needs a beat but its nothing new
i loved you with a fire red now its turnin blue
and you say you're sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you

it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, yea
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late

its just too late, ok? you have been playing your games for so long, i can't believe i didnt see this until now. and the funniest thing is all i thought you were...was everything you wanted me to. you didn't want me to see this side of you. you put on your mask and you think that disguises how ugly you really are on the inside. and for the longest time, i believed that. i fell for it. i trusted you. but now i see your true colors. and i hate it. there is not words enough that i can say to explain how badly you messed things up.
i love the way you tell me you love me and you will miss me. like i ever really meant something to you. because i know i didn't. i know i didn't because if someone means something to you, you treat them with respect. i thoughts as Christians we were allowed to call each other out on things. you act like you are the perfect Christian. but that message you sent me last night, was anything but. the way you spoke to her and the way you allowed him to speak to her, was anything but Christian. and i am not saying this is all your fault. but, contrary to what you believe, or at least what you tell yourself, you did play a part in this. can you even see it? well, i know that you know it. it's funny how quickly someone can become hurtful once they are exposed. you know that i know who you are now, so why continue pretending. you play the victim, like you were the one getting hurt this whole time. when, in reality, although that may be true, but you are the one hurting! and i know you can see that too. i know that you know all of this. even if you won't admit it to yourself, you know it. you might lie to yourself and tell yourself what you need to hear, but the cold, dark reality is that you are just everything you say you aren't. and eventually everyone will catch on, just like i did. you are so see through... "i got your game, its so see through, you know i'm way too good for you...when its time to reminisce, you're gonna realize you miss this, you're in my mind for the last time, and at the most you were a pastime...i'm sick of all of your little lies, so sick of you, i'm sick of the rumors and the alibis, so sick of you, so sick of feeling bad by your side, what you dont know, is how great it feels, to let you go"
i dont actually believe all of that. i wouldn't say that i'm better than you, anyways, but maybe too good for you. anyways, too good for the way you act. but, mostly and for sure, she is too good for you. no doubt about that in my mind. i say that with every ounce of feeling i have because i really honestly believe that. you can think whatever you want. i so seriously wanted to gag when i read that message you sent. there was a loop hole in EVERY WORD YOU SAID!! and i know that is why you did it all the way you did. just the way he said what he needed to and hung up, you sent the message and blocked me. you know that there was a million and one loop holes, or whatever you wanna call them, in your message. you knew that i am smart enough to see them. and you didn't wanna hear what i would have to say.
funny how you apparently love me and will miss me. funny how none of this is your fault. if all that is true, you shouldn't have anything to be afraid of as far as my message back to you would've been. but i know that you are just saying those things. you know it too. i am not sad to see you go. you are right. when you wrote that you were wrong. i was gonna miss you. but after its all said and done...i wont miss you. i wont even miss what i thought you were, because its tainted. that memory and image is tainted. i can't believe the way you have treated her for so long and i never even knew. but its a good thing for you that you blocked me, because if you hadn't, you would've heard from me because now i know the truth. and trust me, everyone hears from me when they mess with someone close to me.
you're the only exception. and that is only cuz i have no way to contact you.

i prayed last night about this. maybe this is not the attitude Jesus would want me to have. but then i think about the way He spoke to people..i know i need to forgive. and in a sense i guess i already have. but at the same time, know that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. i won't keep playing your game and i won't allow you to be in my life at all. Is that Jesus like behavior? you would say no. but we don't serve the same Jesus. if its not the right attitude, i trust that He will show me. but for now, this is all i can do.

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