i flip back and forth.
between feeling numb,
and feeling everything.
i wanna be happy.
and sometimes, for a moment,
i am.
but it..never sticks.


"you cant stop me
from fallin apart,
cuz my self-destruction is
all.your.fault."


life has been soo..
hard. 
especially lately.
especially since..
since summer ended.
and it only got harder
come october..
and from there?
things flip.
between getting worse
and seeming better.


"Im not giving up
givin in
when will this war end??"


no. i wont give up.
ever.
but the question still screams
when will it stop?
will i ever see the day
where i DONT have to fight
just to make it through?


"right now.."


i cry out to Him.
He comes.
i know He does.
i cant always feel it.
but ive known Him long enough
to know He comes.
but all my life..
ive known OF Him.
theres a huge difference between
knowing Him
and knowing OF Him.


I want to trust Him.
but i trust everyone.
and they always let me down.
and i dont have much left in me.
if i get let down again
i just dont know..
if i can pick myself up again.
so if i take a chance on Him
and He lets me down
like basically everyone else has..


"do you believe
that time heals all wounds?"


no. i honestly dont. 
there are some things that,
no matter how long its been,
will still hurt.
time isnt a miracle worker.
time doesnt really CHANGE anything
it simply makes memories 
fade a little.
and lets wounds become scars.
but i dont believe time HEALS.


"I cant believe it 
still hurts like this."


but it does.


"we'd listen to the radio 
play all night,
didnt wanna go home
to another fight,
through all the hard times
in my life,
those nights kept me alive..
i remember when,
we used to drive
anywhere but here,
as long as we'd 
forget our lives.."


i do avoid the fights. 
i avoid conflict.
i avoid emotions 
and feeling things.
basically at all costs.
i didnt used to.
i used to handle things.
..
when they say you dont know 
what you have till its gone,
they dont lie.
i didnt know how much 
it meant to me to be
able to express myself
..until it was taken.
oh, i can still do it.
after all, i am right now.
but i do so recognizing
that there could be 
consequences.
honestly, if you didnt
go through it, you cant
understand.
you might think 
im being dramatic.
but when your privacy
is so far invaded that
it breaks OTHER people
and invades their privacy
..
you learn to watch what you do.

"theres nothin wrong with us..

those nights belong to us.."

no matter what ANYONE says.

no matter how much they have

messed this up in my head.

no matter what lies we've heard.

we know there is 

NOTHING.

WRONG.

WITH.

US.

in fact, in my opinion,

never has anything been 

more.right.

i think thats why theres a lot

of hate and..

controversy, if you will

about "us".

i know satan hates everything

about the two of us.

obviously.

and he will do ANYTHING

to try to see the death

of our friendship.

too much good has come

out of us for him to

do anything but wish 

for it to end.

but, try as ANYONE will,

we arent going anywhere.

"You cant tear apart

what God brought

together."

you said it yourself.

and youre right.

I know God has a plan

in alllll of this.

but its just so hard

to trust.

even Him.

THATS how far broken

i am.

unfortunate, sad..

but true.

i have to admit the truth

if i am every again gonna

come face to face with the Light.

im sick of standing in darkness.

but the cold truth is?

i think its..safer.

i was fine in the light

and i was vulnerable.

i was open.

and i got attacked.

well, no one dares venture

into my darkness.

but the truth?

i secretly hate it here.

i love the security it brings

..

but i hate the loneliness i feel.

constantly.

"I must confess

that i feel like

a MONSTER.

i hate what

ive become,

the nightmare's

just begun..

i, i, i feel

like a MONSTER..

theres no escape 

for me

it wants my soul

it wants my heart.."

<\3

Princess on the Run

Princess on the Run by alwaysthegirlnextdoor on polyvore.com

December..

December.. by alwaysthegirlnextdoor on polyvore.com

when i reached my breaking point, i finally handed everything over to God. i hate that it took me so long. but i suppose what counts is that i did it. i handed all my cares to God. i begged Him to intervene..and to do it quickly.
and?
HE DID!!
i went to bed last night LITERALLY feeling so much lighter.
He LITERALLY lifted my burdens from me.
<3

i let you in to let me down
its ok its just how things go
no one ever really sticks around
i should just learn how to breathe on my own

hes the reason i fall asleep with my phone in my hand.
shes the reason i believe there are people out there that care.

people can either be your reason to fly,
or your reason to fall apart.

i have some of both people in my life.
but the honest truth is..i think i have more people that make me fall apart, than i have people to build me back up.
i was sitting in church today, just having a real honest conversation with God.
i told Him i had reasons i couldnt give Him my whole life.
im not doing that great a job holding myself together these days. But i have my life by a thread. and im not letting go.
i told Him that. i told Him that to give it up to Him, to let go of the last thread im holding onto, to give Him me and to allow Him to break me if He so chooses...was something i couldnt do.
not again.
it was then that i realized WHY i felt like this.
and i told Him what i was feeling.
"people always break me when given the opportunity. but they never stick around to put me back together. if i let You break me..who is to say YOU'LL put me back together? i just cant afford to be broken and left one.more.time. because...if im broken and the one who breaks me walks away...i may not be able to put myself back together this time.."
i told you it was honest. and thats not verbatim but..you get the picture.
its all true though.
i really dont think i can keep putting myself back together.
no.one.on.earth. knows i feel like this. and yeah, i WANT to trust God. i really do. but i trust everyone and EVERYONE lets me down.
EVERYONE.
well....so far, of everyone ive ever known, ONE person is still trustworthy.
the point is, if you knew my track record, youd understand why my heart is so hesitant to let me trust anymore.

God help me. im too broken to cry out much more than that. just...rescue me, please. i KNOW, probably better than most, that i dont deserve this. that i dont deserve You..but i need You. please dont leave me. ever. <\3

"There is a new place, where dreams just cant come true, it started the day, that i left you.."

"I could never love again, the way i loved you
I could never cry again, like i did when i left you
...I could never love again, now that we're apart"

i really missed out on a great era. the 80s.
haha.
God, can i just say...i feel sooo stupid. like, seriously.
i wanna cry. i just burn inside. i wont let anyone see it, but im really upset. everything about him used to make me feel amazing. now everything about him makes me feel ashamed.
maybe this is a sign..?

Who do you think you are, runnin round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart..

i wish it would snow. im ready. im ready for this season to just change.
to be honest, im not really ready for the holidays.
to be honest, some days i wish i could just sleep right on thru...well..just a while.
because when im asleep...i dont have to deal with anything.
its not that im tired of living...
im just exhausted.
dont get me wrong, i love life and i wouldnt give it up..
i just need a break.
and 6 hours of being haunted by dreams and nightmares really just isnt cutting it anymore :/
i just dont think i can play games much longer.
im looking back at the last 2 months...how.far.ive.come.
and its not good.
much less the last YEAR..
in the course of 2011, ive gotten into relationships i shouldnt have, ended relationships i could have saved, hurt people, broke hearts, broke my OWN heart, gotten into relationship altering arguments with people i love and people that love me but the fights have SERIOUSLY put a strain on our relationship, fallen for yet ANOTHER player, had to relive and try to deal with last winter...
and thats just the beginning.
theres a few good things that came out of this year.
they are few and far between but, when they came, they were monumental  ♥
...
all i can hope now, is that 2012 will be much better.
because ive just given up on trying to make 2011 good. come what may. i can tell, this was definitely NOT my year :P
"Leaving scars.." you know when you play a song, and its just like a mirror image of your life? yeah. "you broke all your promises, and now youre back, you dont get to get me back.."
"Dont come back for me, DONT COME BACK AT ALL.."
ughh you want to know the worst part?
even once 2011 is over...all of this stuff will come back to haunt me. ://
sometimes it just feels like im never gonna win. never gonna beat this life.
i feel like its taking over me.
oh! and i didnt even get to the absolute worst.part.
...i cant even feel God with me <\\3
i pray, i read my Bible..and He just feels sooo far.
ive never felt like this before.
never.
not even when i basically removed Him from my life for like a year... :'//
honestly i...i cry out and i beg Him to become real to me...
but my heart is numb. and worse, cold. my heart is like an icicle.
i dont feel God's warmth there at all.
and i dont blame Him. i know i did this.
last month...
i can trace it back.
seriously i wanna cry. i know what happened and im both horribly angry, and terribly sad and upset.
for SO long i worked to make myself open. to embrace my feelings. to be honest about what im feeling and going through. i didnt open up to just anyone, but there were always select people i was honest with. and moreover?
i was ALWAYS honest with myself.
but now? i write off feelings like they are nothing. i dont DARE. LET. MYSELF. FEEL. ANYTHING.
because my feelings, my tender, open heart...got attacked.
so i shut myself up, and i built walls, and i closed the doors and let no one in.
i even started doing that with the one person i swore to never do it with.
thankfully, we talked about it..and..its ok.
but as far as everyone else? and as far as the ones who took shots at me and my heart?
BIGGGG walls. BIG.
and somehow, i ended up shutting out God.
i never NEVER meant to do that.
but i dont know how to get Him back.
even though i KNOW its not true, i cant help but feel like i blew my only shot. just like a person, i shut Him out, and He's not coming back. well, i KNOW in my head that that isnt true.
but my heart...my hearts got nothing. its too icy and numb to know anything.
and thats where i need to know it the most..<\\\3

"I learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time..."

wait...i just got over you...or anyways i was getting there...and NOW you come back?
maybe she's right. maybe im too blinded to see it so maybe i should take my best friends advice. maybe i see the best in you because thats what i want to see..but maybe she can see the truth in you. that youre no good for me. that youre only toying with me. that you hurt me once so, yeah..youll probably hurt me again.
maybe this is the truth about you.
but maybe, just maybe, there IS something to be said for a guy that keeps..coming back.
i mean, ive told you how.many.times. that youre not getting what you want physically from this relationship.
...
so WHY do you keep coming back?!
could it be, oh, could.it.be...that you actually CARE..about me? O.o
no. no i wont let myself believe that. bc its probably not true.
no, you probably just came back around bc you thought you could wear me down.
*sigh..
i shouldve never talked to you last night.
but, for all my talk, i sorta knew if you texted me..i would text back.
and i did.
i have to learn how to do this with you, how to talk to you, how to feel out the relationship..withOUT getting emotionally attached.
i NEED to learn...
i need to..
you hurt me once..
or WHOEVERS fault that was, *I* got hurt once already...
i wont.  let it happen again.. [<3] see that? WALLS. around my heart. and i wont just let them fall for you. no, if you want them to fall, youre gonna have to WORK for it. youre gonna have to work for ME. because #IAmWorthIt :D

I can find a MAN and not a boy..

i think...im ok. for now. ugh. guys. and yes, my fb status IS for him.

burn.

hahaha i hope he knows he blew his chance.

and hes never getting another one.

xD

Why is everything so confusing, maybe im just out of my mind..

in case anyone's wondering, yeah, he broke my heart.

he broke my heart and i just...let him.

he left and i just...let him.

he lead me on and lied to me from the VERY START...and i just let him.

is this my fault?

it sure as heck feels like it.

to basically everyone around me, i looked like i had my head on straight.

well, as hard as i tried to keep it on straight, i just couldnt. i got caught up in his lines, lost in his eyes...

"this doesnt mean i dont love everything about you, but sometimes thats not enough.."

that in and of itself is horrible. love. not.being.enough.

but whats worse?

"Im not enough and i wont be ever if not now..im not cut out.."

*I* wasnt enough for you.

i wasnt.

goshhhh i am SO upset with her. your LAST gf. because i feel like she tainted you. you were so nice, such a sweet boy...and then you went out with her. and i feel like you held me to her standard. 

well, IM NOT HER!!!

get that thru your head!!!

and the thing is, i TOLD you that much. i TOLD you i wouldnt be the girl she was. you said that was fine. you said you RESPECTED me.

youre a liar.

im hitting the keys so hard and typing these words so fast...i am SO mad at you. and her. there arent even words.

>:////

"im done hopin we could work it out..im done thinkin you could ever change, i know my heart will never be the same, but im tellin myself ill be ok..."

worse than just knowing whats gonna happen...is waiting.
just wait and see.
anyone that knows me knows that isnt something i do well.
i can be patient physically...sorta...but emotionally? nope.
youre making me wait and my heart is getting more and more attached..
which honestly, could be one of my biggest mistakes of the year. because if in waiting, youre searching out other girls or, i dare say, SEEING other girls, and im sitting here letting my heart get attached..
grrr..
and i would trust your words...but, ya know, i havent heard from you in days.
and your words are fading in my heart.
sure, i have your texts locked on my phone...
but i miss hearing you SAY them.
i miss being with you.
i cautiously replay memories of that night..
i miss you.
that was hard for me to admit.
i never thought i had pride..
but seriously, there is no room in love for pride.
love destroys all your pride. and i think, thats a good thing.
but its been hard.
my pride tells me not to miss you bc if you dont miss me then i look clingy and desperate and whatnot.
pride.
NEVER a word i expected to describe me.
honestly, im learning a lot about myself this year.
yesterday, i fell apart..
tomorrow ill probably fall apart.
today i might even fall apart.
*sighh..
i want to be happy again.
i hadnt been truly happy in SO long..
and then you came along.
and i smiled more in those first few days than i think i have all year.


but just because someone makes you smile, dont EVER think that means they cant make you cry.

because they definitely can.

im sorry. for..whatever i did that..
im just sorry.
and i miss you.
it may be stupid.
i may be stupid.
i miss you and thats that.
<\3

lately...i cant even stand to see your face. 
it just hurts too much.


i miss being close.
i miss even being friends.
now...i dont even know WHAT we are...
all i know is i miss it. i miss us. i miss you.
i honestly do.
but i dont know how to tell you.
because you dont like me anymore.
and i dont miss THAT you.
i miss the you that liked me.


i miss him too. 
something inside of me just wants to text him and tell him i miss him. just leave it at that.
but i refuse.
i will deny myself this because, from the very beginning, HE called the shots. i liked it like that and i miss it and im SURE not gonna step up and start makin moves.
he knows where to find me if he really misses me.
and you know where to find me if you can first find it in you to stop hating me and want me back as a good friend. ♥
im not that hard to find. if you really want me, youll look. and if you look, youll find me.

Its.Gonna.Be.Ok. ♥

i dont even wanna say these things. i dont want them to be true. i sit here and talk to myself, alone, wishing that last winter had never happened.
i always want what i cant have. i feel stupid to keep going on and on about this.
but it was real.
and it was fake.
all at the same time.
note to self: never let a boy hold your heart, if he isnt even holding your hand.
this is...what i get.
i shouldve known.
why do i keep going on?
i thought i let go. maybe i was foolish..to think i ever COULD let go.
maybe letting go...isnt even an option.
or maybe im being dramatic and stupid...
but is that fair? i feel these things. should i just discredit them? write them off?
no.
i need to talk to someone. im letting this...ruin everything.
i hate this.
but...in some sick way...i like it.
i like feeling something again.
i think...i like...thinking about you.
thats sick.
seriously sick.
that after ALLLL of this...
no.
no way.
there is no way on this earth that i could still have feelings for you.
oh God please tell me this isnt true...please...
goshhhh!! NO! not again, not this all over again. im asking for heartbreak.
and i have someone! someone sweet and amazing...
someone nice to me. someone real...with me..
you never were. ANY of those things. you took advantage of the fact that your dazzling smile blinded me.
you worked those lines.
didnt you?
why do i feel like maybe im the only one to blame?
is that true? am i blaming you for something that is only MY fault? did *I* blow this up in my mind?
no. no i was there. i remember the words you said, the looks you gave me...whether you meant anything or not, we were flirting. and we both know it. so maybe you honest to goodness werent trying to toy with me. maybe you never meant for me to take things the way that i did.
but the fact is..i did.
how stupid is this? just let him go! my head screams.
but my heart...
NO.ONE. would look at this situation and see why i am sooo wrapped up in it.
no one.
but they werent there. they dont understand.
and as much as i want to talk to someone, *I* cant explain.
i dont even remember the story...
i can just still feel it.
and i cant explain that to someone because these emotions are ones youd have to feel to know.
i WISH i knew the truth. i WISH I knew WHAT happened last winter..but i dont.
all i know is pieces of how i felt then, and how i feel right.now.
and it doesnt make sense. it doesnt add up...
its just there.
he was the first.boy. to pay any real attention to me.
so i took it, i grabbed onto it..and i swore to NEVER let it go.
but then the time came...and i had to.
and i tried to convince myself that it would be OK for me to stay...for him.
and i thank God i never did.
but....ugh! nothing.happened.
thats just it. i almost wish something had...because at least id have legit reasons to feel like this. reasons...that people might understand.
but it didnt, and i dont.
all i know is how he made me feel.
and the confidence he gave me.
when i was with him...i felt SO gorgeous.
i dont even know why...he just...made me feel like that.
but then when i left...and he made NO effort to keep in touch even though he said he wanted to..
he left the pursuit up to me.
or maybe he'd let go and didnt care at all.
i dont know.
but whatever we'd HAD or ALMOST HAD...was over.
and i felt like i wasnt enough for him.
and if i wasnt enough for him..why should i ever be enough for anyone?
i never have been.
and things with him pounded that in me further.
i wasnt worth pursuing, i wasnt worth chasing after...
i just wasnt.
and so all these things i had felt with him..turned into icy lies in my heart. and in my head. and i told myself that everything he'd said was a line; that every nice word out of a guys mouth was a lie. or a line.
and i told myself that along with that, everything id FELT with him, was a lie.
so me feeling pretty? lie.
me being liked by someone? lie.
id told myself all along that he pursued me.
i guess then i felt worthy of being pursued. "a guy like him" pursuing me...
cept...he never did.
in retrospect, he MAY have started things. BIG "if". he may have. but i kept them going and i kept them going long after he'd lost interest and moved on.
im scared thats what im doing now, with this new guy.
but i dont even WANT to mix him into all this.
i hate it...but the truth of the matter is that he's already in it.
i havent cut ties from last winter. so my past still follows me..and haunts everything.i.do.
this is stupid. seriously. get up, move on...
i used to be strong.
those words are words i LIVED by. 'get up..move on..'
but i was strong WITH him...and after him i became weak.
because 'strong' was a lie.
'pretty' was a lie.
'worthy' was a lie.
not lies HE told me. no. these were lies i told myself.
things that were true...but after him i told myself everything id ever known..was a lie.
i dont even know why.
i just wanted to run. after that. i wanted to start over. i wanted to be everything i wasnt..maybe because it felt like everything i WAS was what wasnt enough for him.
i dont know.
all i know is i wanted out. of this town, of this state...
just out.
away.
i needed to get away.
i ran away as best i could...
no. thats a lie.
because we're still friends..on facebook.
...

First snowfall ♥

winter scares me. honestly. i think i seriously have like, seasonal depression..not to mention the whole "last winter" thing...

im scared.

i want to enjoy winter. i want to snuggle up next to the fire, with my cozy pjs and oversized sweaters, with a mug of steaming cocoa and my family surrounding me; friends to go sledding and build snowmen with, a sweet boyfriend to brush snowflakes out of my hair and make snow angels, a tree to decorate while dancing like idiots to old Christmas carols on the radio, cookies and pies and "comfort food"...

all the beautiful things about this season.

oh! and Christmas present shopping...i love it. i love the secrecy and surprises. 

seriously, this season is so..magical 

until....its been ruined for you.

now, when i think of winter, i remember long, cold, dark nights; all alone, wishing he would just go through with even half of the things he acted like he meant, emptiness, scars, tears, knowing that whatever i was wasnt enough for him and never would be...