ya know, i used to treat this thing like my journal. i still do sometimes. but i have a separate journal now. not everything i feel belongs on this blog. 

but gosh, if you could see my journal, you'd see how truly broken and scared i am right now. i know i don't have time for this, got places to be and people to see.

thats another thing. i write in my journal at 11, 12, 1am because i just don't have time during the day, but i just cant sleep without getting my feelings out.

and i DEFINITELY cant be online at 1am! lol

so i know i sound broken on here, but trust me, it gets worse. 

and i usually don't let people see my broken. cuz, c'mon, who wants a friend like that?

but i have a relationship thats BASED off vulnerability.

things i need to say?

I HATE MYSELF FOR MY INABILITY TO TRUST;

AND I HATE THAT PEOPLE HAVE BROKEN ME TO THE POINT WHERE TRUST BECOMES NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE.

its fall! well, almost. we have our heat on though and im wearing snuggle socks...so it feels like fall :)
and yeah, im hurting. but you see that smiley? thats me. in a minute ill get out of bed, get ready for the day, put on my make up and put on my smile.
ik that makes me sound fake. but, in my defense, i have to go to work. its not appropriate to go feeling like i am.
and they say if you pretend something long enough you can actually make yourself believe it.
so yeah, imma go enjoy fall today. imma go make some money to save for the school no one thinks im smart enough to go to, imma do all of my double course work and the pre ACT because im behind, but im willing to work to catch up.
but does anyone see this? nope.
it kills me to know no.one. believes in me.
but i can use that to drive me.
"I do it because i can, i can because i want to, i want to because you said i couldn't."

ive completely lost all my ability to hope for things.
im cold, my mind is numb, i have no enthusiasm for the day...
and senior year is SO.CRITICAL.
especially MY senior year. cuz i have a LOTTTTTT of catching up to do before i can even *think* bout going to school. BUT, oh wait, thats right, i have to catch up AND figure out school.
:/ and now im scared. im scared for my future.
im scared...you wont be in it.< /3
im scared you wont WANT to be in it.
"im the person everyone replaces after a while"
and its true. and i could accept it. but that would mean that i would know the relationship is temporary and i would NOT let myself get involved would NOT let my heart get attached...
but thats just not how i operate. you love me you get all of me.
in this case, you get every bit of my past, you get every secret, every mistake.
you know EVERYTHING. i have never had someone know me like this. and ive never known someone like you've let me know you. i also know that im the first. because i know no one else knows you like i do.
all of this should be reassuring.
you are always there for me, ask me whats up, tell me you care...
and i hold.back. cuz i don't wanna scare you off or freak you out. but i have heard from people that that is my mistake. i hold back. maybe you want me to open up more, like this summer. gosh i don't know. i wish i could go back, wish WE could go back, but ill look straight ahead. no need to hurt myself with useless day dreams...

*low whistle*
its amazing how quickly your life can spiral out of control, and you don't even realize it!
wow. and its looking like a lot of the bad choices i have been making...well, started by making a bad choice.
with what i played through my headphones and speakers.


so im listening to Skillet right now. my FAVORITE Christian band. period.
and ALL i will be listening to, for the next 2 weeks, is Christian music. because today as i sat and listened to a song i KNEW i shouldn't have been listening to, i could feel God telling me that this wasn't right. i turned off the song but i still felt really bad. 
and no, i don't think listening to Christian music for the next 2 weeks somehow "makes up for" my bad choices. i went right to God and asked His forgiveness and His help in changing. 
But i know that to be serious about changing, the right thing for me to do is to completely get rid of the problem. quitting cold turkey. seems to be the method that works best for me anyways :) 
if you're reading this, could you please pray for me? im just sayin, im gonna miss my old music...lol i know this isn't gonna be easy. but, its been a year of change for me and so far i don't regret a SINGLE change God has helped me make. He really does know best, and im trusting Him on this one ♥

Ahhh!!! Thank. You. God!! honestly i don't know WHY i doubt that You will come through for me sometimes. Gosh... :))
and yeah, in a couple days or maybe even hours, i could slip right back in to feeling lonely and on the brink of us breaking...i might over think things again and blow them out of proportion...
but right now, i feel AMAZING! <3
WE.ARE.GONNA.MAKE.IT.THROUGH.THIS.TOGETHER.<3
all 3 of us :) finally, i can look at a 3 and smile...its...been awhile...♥

things aren't falling apart...they are just changing. because they have to. circumstances have changed and we need to be flexible if we are gonna get through this. no, not "if", we WILL get through this:)
but i HAVE to accept the fact that summer.is.over. and things will just automatically be different. we cant sit around and text all day everyday like we literally did all summer. but we make it work. i know you care as you sit and poke me at every opportunity you have at school and as you text me every morning even though you're trying to get ready or i fall asleep on you... ;P
lol its not a question of you caring. its a question of me being able to let go and not only love you, but let you love me.


but this is not something im used to. things just, fall apart for me. they don't change, because theres never time. they always fall apart first. thats what i mean when i say that im not used to this. im not used to having someone there for me no matter what. im not used to being able to go to someone no matter what time it is and just tell them everything im feeling. im not used to anyone actually CARING what im feeling and being there to listen to every heart wrenching detail. people don't like sad things. ive never had someone who would take on my problems and almost...feel them like their own.
you mean so much to me..i just..


I NEED TO LET GO OF MY PAST!! i don't know how to do that. and, even worse....its not just my past.
im W.A.T.C.H.I.N.G. something fall apart. im watching things not work out. im USED to people leaving!! :/ so even if i teach myself to let go of my past, its still happening in my present. 
heres the thing. i need to learn to accept the fact that people are people and imma get hurt everywhere. i need to accept that but i ALSO need to accept that there are some good people left out there that DO in fact, actually CARE. >>>you<<< yeah. i NEED to get that through this stubborn head of mine!

if we ever DID end, id much rather be blindsided and hurt because i believed in us, than expecting it. because if i was expecting it, what does that say about the whole time we were together? 
No, id rather enjoy every second we have. and, if things ever fall apart, ill have the memories to comfort me♥

i cant laugh, i cant smile...i wish you were just some guy. cuz id go out on the town tnite and just forget all about you. id MAKE myself have a good time and, even if only for the moment, you'd be the furthest thing from my mind.
but youre not. you mean wayyyyy more to me than "some guy".
dude....this....hurts beyond words i can say :'// but please, don't think im mad. cuz im not. im hurt. im really really sad actually.
4 hours on the dot since you texted me back < /////////3
funny...the one person....im overreacting. PLEASE, someone just tell me im overreacting...please...?

o.m.g. i just read something...um....ugh. 3 months ago. before summer even started. i wrote: "I am all done letting ANYONE, EVER, get close. enough. to. break. me."
and then, what did i turn around and do this summer? I trusted not just one person, but many people. TOO many people. heres the thing. of all the people i have trusted IN MY LIFE, you are the ONE i don't regret. i honestly DO regret some people. yeah yeah i know they taught me lessons, or that they will....all i can see right now is them teaching me not to trust. which, isn't really a lesson. its more like this baggage and these scars they left me with that i have to get over and deal with.....
but dude, i said i wasn't letting anyone get close. well, i let you get close. in fact, you are closer than any single person has EVER gotten to me. 
and you're still here. ♥
But my cynical, tainted-by-life mind, just keeps asking "till when?" and wont let me trust that you'll be here for forever. i took a sharpie and wrote "trust♥" on myself today. i want to see it and be reminded that i need to do that. 
im sorry. im sorry i cant trust yet. then again....its been over 2 hours...and you haven't texted me back. the last time i was the "nothing better text girl" it didn't end well.
namely because it ENDED. < /3
so im sorry, but what you are doing REFLECTS what happened in my past....if you break me...after knowing my whole past....after knowing how fragile i am......after me being so careful of you and your feelings.....if you do this to me....
ill still love you.
in spite of everything, i will always love you.
i wont break my promise. ill stick by you till you deicide you want me gone.
and ill love you forever♥ idk if thats a good thing, but its true.
"Ill be around most likely, for years to come if you need, anything..." i will always be there for you.
or at least, i hope i will. then again, when i get hurt i retreat and i hide. 
"every dream i had of us just came crashing down. its like ive been sleeping but i woke up now." 
please....prove me wrong...< /3

i know im emotional right now. im not gonna blow this out of proportion. but im just gonna state, that i feel like im losing you. :'/ i really might cry right now. i hate this. im sorry. i don't even know what for, but, when something goes wrong thats just my reflex. "sorry". what else can i say? i knew from the beginning how this would PROBABLY go, but i also HOPED. do i regret that? nope. cuz we had some good times.
im just praying the good times, and even the sad times, don't stop. all i want to stop is this loneliness :'(( ♥♥♥iloveyouforever♥♥♥

sometimes i sit here and say i just wanna know what is the "right thing" to do. i act like, if i only knew, i would do it.
but thats not true.
i consider the lyrics playing through my headphones right now.....
i know THATS not the "right thing". 
but does that thought stop me?
nope.
so why do i feel like any other situation would be different?
God says "to those who are faithful with little i will give more."
im pretty sure im not. im not even faithful with what He HAS given me.
how could i ever expect more? how could i ever expect to make a difference for Him?
Ughhh...
but i don't turn the music off. i mean, its not THAT bad...
but there i go justifying it again.
and if i cant even do the right thing when im the only one involved, when my heart is the only one on the line, then how can i even TRY to hold onto and protect someone ELSE'S heart?!?!
why? i finally make a good decision and then i realize that there was always more than one wrong choice i was making at any given point.
do you know how hard it is to UNLEARN everything you've spent seventeen years learning?!
seriously, i have to unlearn EVERYTHING. ://
at first, this journey was fun. it was harder than anything; but i was finally WORKING for something. i have this strange sense of accomplishment. ive never really felt that before this summer.
but now i realize it wasn't ever just ONE thing i was doing wrong. its all these things that i have chosen to give into over the years, and now i have to rise up against them and learn to say no. learn to stand my ground, stand up for myself, and lay down the law.
i NEED to watch what i filter into my head. im good as far as movies and tv..have been for a while. its books and MUSIC that get me.
cuz i read whatever i want. and, if i get into a book, i DONT wanna put it down. so if it gets inappropriate, i have to decide to stop reading it, or continue on. i need to know what happens, im caught up in the story, whatever my excuse.
i usually finish the book.
and music....
i just listen to whatever i want.
its SO bad.
and the thing is, i KNOW its bad. 
but i don't do anything about it.
cuz i don't really want to.
i loooove my music. its....my life. 
and i need to listen to what i choose. cuz there is a reason behind every.song. choice.
because it helps me escape, because it screams the words i cant find it in me to say, because it distracts me from my problems, cuz it makes me smile or laugh, because i can relate, whatever it is, i listen to it.
i am...scared. i am hiding and i am letting fear, once again, reign.
i hate that. i hate that i even have to write this. i miss the days when writing about problems was a stretch. because i was too naive and innocent to understand the feelings behind everything.♥

Wow. my regrets just love following me. they love making repeat appearances in my life. just as if to remind me how stupid i was.
...
as if ill ever forget... < /3

I think im gonna throw up...or cry...or maybe both... :/ i swear, i am just done TALKING to people.


it always manages to blow up in my face.

:'/
now, not only am *I* breaking, but i might just be the one breaking someone.
i CAN'T do this. i CAN'T hold this all together again.
and i FINALLY found someone to be there....
and then i come to find out that in that someone being there, and keeping me from losing it completely,
i might be breaking someone.
someone who, technically, had claims to you first... :/
this...is SO not looking like a good situation....

Found this from back in march...not the best, but it screams my heart right now. "why am i so afraid"?!

Don't Make Me Sorry...

whats holding me back

whats making me second guess

why can't i relax

i wanna give this thing my best

shot but i want it to be real

i don't wanna be fake for you

i just want you to feel

everything i feel for you

finally everything falls, falls into place

so where is the smile that belongs on my face…

my heart is racing and i can't stop

i'm going in circles you were my last shot

i said im giving up love

but then you showed up

and i began to second guess my convictions

don't make me sorry that i did...

your smile should put me at ease

your laughter brightens up my day

and every sweet nothing you whisper i wanna believe

but i don't wanna be lead astray…

no…please don't lead me astray

finally everything falls, falls into place

so where is the smile that belongs on my face…

my heart is racing and i can't stop

i'm going in circles you were my last shot

i said im giving up love

but then you showed up

and i began to second guess my convictions

don't make me sorry that i did...

so you're here, you're standing in front of me

why can't i smile, why can't i breathe

you're everything i've been needing 

and right here waiting

why…am i sooo afraid