...i deleted your friend request off facebook...
i just...couldn't do it.
i hope you notice. i hope you wonder.
and i honestly hope you ask.
cuz i want a chance to tell you..
to tell you how much you hurt me.
but if you don't ask, you wont know.
i will not be the one to speak up.
i will not be the one to make the move. any move.
cuz technically, you already made the "first move" when you added me on facebook.
and i took the first stand.
when i deleted it. < /3

i know that love is a choice and not a feeling.
and even knowing this, i can say that i have truly loved.
i have made a conscious choice to love.
but when they say that you either love forever or you never did, i disagree.
because i have loved.
and then it ended. and i had to make myself STOP loving that person. They walked away. they chose not to love me anymore. 
at one point, i loved this person.
and at another, i didn't.
at one point, i made a conscious choice to love this person.
and at another, i made a conscious choice to STOP loving them.
< / 3

i wanna cry. i am so stupid. i should have known. all this time i just kept giving myself away....
and now i have virtually nothing left.
i don't even see how this is possible. i mean, when i think of all the people that have contributed to my broken heart, well, its a lot...
but in the grand scheme of things, not that many.
and it seems ridiculous to me.
i just feel stupid right now.

I KNOW you think we'll be ok, and i KNOW you think things can just be the same, but if you really loved me you wouldnt treat me like this, ive been stupid before but im done livin like this.

"There's always some truth behind: Just kidding, Knowledge behind: I don't know, Emotion behind: I don't care & Pain behind: It's okay."


Its true. I laugh things off, i play stupid, i act like i don't care and like everything is fine...
when deep down i am really just falling apart.
i didn't used to do this.
but somewhere along the line i started and....it progressed.
what used to be a bad habit has become a survival skill.
im not sure i could live without it.
i just don't think i could live being vulnerable all.the.time.
as it stands, i only have one relationship where i feel like its OK to let my guard down and be real.
basically because ive given everyone else a chance and they burned it.
sorry, no second chances when it comes to my heart.
especially when you don't even act like you care.
or when you act like you care and then 5 minutes later you start tearing me down.
nope. not happening.
i LIVE with my guard up. i have tried just giving myself away freely to anyone, as far as emotionally and mentally and all...
biggest.mistake.ever.
one of em anyways.
so now i have learned that living and loving require an open mind...
and a close guarded heart.
and THEN someone came along that made me unlearn all of that.
our relationship is so.open.
i love it. they are the ONLY person i can be that honest with and the best part is, i know the same is true for them.
2.way.relationship. O.o
im still dumbfounded here. i have never had a relationship like this before.
ive never seen one. one where someone wasn't tearing at the other.
one where things work out.
so ive learned this way of loving.
and while ONE.PERSON. has broke through that, everyone else still remains where they were at before. they haven't earned my heart. im not trying to sound conceited...let me try and make you understand...
what is left of my heart, will remain guarded EXCEPT for for the ONE person whom i can completely and fully trust.
to everyone else who has already had their shot and burned me, i know you think you can keep coming back. i know you think you and your smooth lies with work your way back in. i know you think this will work because its worked every time before.
but not this time.
its.time.to.take.a.stand.
no more scars.

well now...i don't exactly know where to go from here.
one thing i know?
i HATE how we always act like everything is just.fine.
cuz we all know its not. and its just plain stupid to play this game.
it just raises people's hopes...
only to dash them.
when you finally came out and said it, i wasn't shocked. i hate it, of course!
but i also hate this.
i.dont.know.what.to.believe.anymore.
SO. call me pessimistic. call me depressing. call me a downer.
but im gonna expect the worst. im gonna anticipate the fall.
because, quite frankly, enough of my OWN relationships fail and i end up hurting as a result of those, that i don't need to be hurt by yours.
im sorry. but its..just how it has to be...

I gotta live with the choices ive made...and i cant live with myself today...


its true. i have to now. its too late. ill never get to go back. i wish i could take back every sarcastic remark. i wish i would've just pushed you out the door for a night on the town, volunteered to watch your kids and cook dinner...just one more time.
wish id been more understanding.
wish id respected the power of walking on eggshells.
wish id been just a LITTLE stronger.
but i wasn't. i didn't. and its too late.
i have to live with the choices that *I* have made.
and you have to live with the choices YOU've made.
and, as much as i don't want to, i kind of hate myself right now.
ironic thing is, i don't hate you. i know you probably think i do.
but i don't.
i hate myself more than anyone. because i feel like *I* let my end of the bargain down.
i feel like i let YOU down. i know i know, if you read this it would kill you. you don't want me to feel like this. i get it.
but i do.
i was reading back through my blog. all the way back through april. i remembered feeling like i had SO much to juggle. i read about being so worn out. the feelings of having to keep all my balls up in the air. a juggling act for sure.
and somewhere along the line i guess i just let it all go.
because all of a sudden it fell apart.
i swear...
i didn't have hope. cuz i knew better. not anything against you, i just happen to know that nothing lasts forever.
i didn't have any expectations. but i had played in my head the scenario of you calling it quits. either one of you.
but let me say,
to hear the words come out of your mouth was another thing ENTIRELY.
it didn't shock me cuz ive gotten myself used to the idea a little. and i...expected it? wow, that doesn't sound good.
however, i think its true.
and yeah, in a couple days, or maybe even hours, you might take them back.
but id lay money on the fact that you'll say them again.
gosh, you had better not read this! it will not end well for me.
however, a little bit of a challenge might just push you in the right direction.
but i don't want you to force anything. i don't want you to work things out if you don't REALLY want them worked out.
wow. i dont know what to say without being reallyyyy mean. so forget it.
lets just say...
this whole "vacation" isn't all its cracked up to be so far.
we had one heck of a start.
and im sure, its only bound to get better... :T

Im not gonna let your words of fire burn me any longer.
Im just not.

love is knowing someone still cares for you even when they don't sound like it.
love is sticking by a person throughout everything.
love is understanding that just because a person is having a bad day, doesn't mean that anything changes in YOUR relationship with that person.

but im insecure. when i sense trouble, i immediately assume its about our relationship. and no matter what that person is talking about, i get worried.
i.dont.wanna.lose.you.
and i shouldn't even be worried.
because i just realized something.
i have said things like, "always and forever, my best friend, i love you," etc.
and one of 2 things has happened.
either someone said it and so i felt the need to reciprocate it, even if i didn't mean it.
or i meant it with all of my heart.
but the other person...didn't feel the same way.
needless to say, i don't have a single standing past relationship. i mean, yeah, they are all in the past.
you know how they say some people come into your life for a reason, others for a season?
well i guess ive experienced both.
but the people that came for a reason, left once they found what they were looking for.
and the whole season thing...veryyy self explanatory.
anyways, so yeah, ive said the things we are saying to each other.
and thus far, it hasn't worked out, those relationships haven't.
BUTTT!!! all of a sudden it hit me!
we are both, for the first.dang.time.in.my.life., we are both fighting for the same thing here!!
you don't wanna lose me, and i don't wanna lose you!!!
we are honest with each other. the kind of honest i have only ever been with someone once the relationship was over and i knew i wouldn't have to face them anymore.
and, we are even more honest than that!!
this just...might work. because the whole situation is different.
and yet i am still basing it on the past. my past.
but the truth is, and i know this, that imma kill our relationship because im holding on too.dang.tight.
but, as much as i try and i pray and i cry and...
i just cant seem to let go! if anyone is reading this, and you know how to let go...please tell me.
honestly, i don't want to lose the one person that means the most to me :/
its kind of ironic, im holding on this tight so i DONT lose them.
but in the process of trying NOT to lose them, im gonna kill our relationship.
and, in fact, lose them

once again, i was fooled. stupid.stupid.stupid girl. because i regret everything i shared with you and just...everything. cuz its gone now. and it was a lie while it lasted.

i KNOW i shouldnt feel like this.

i KNOW i should just let.you.go.

i KNOW these things....

but i dont feel them.

what i FEEL...

is lost. broken...again. sick&tired. 

and most of all?

h.u.r.t.

like...i trusted you!!

do you even know...how huge that is?

for me?

i DO NOT trust easily. i knew you for less than a week! and i told you my BIGGEST secret.

WHAT?!

yeah. nowww im wishing i hadnt.

but of course...little too late.

:'/

at least...i have ONE person i can still trust and can still count on <3 well...and God <3

"What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful." <3

Also my facebook status currently. Because its something that rings true for me right now.
"What you FEEL is what you are..."
Well, maybe not entirely. But what you feel DEFINITELY plays a part in how you see yourself.
And i don't feel beautiful. I also, dont see myself as beautiful.
Coincidence?
I think not.
What I FEEL is what i am. Sorta.
I know in God i am more than all this. But....
the way i view things, the way i see things, definitely plays a role in my perception of myself.
But....
"And what you are is beautiful."
I always...seem to forget that part. or i leave it out. or i brush it off because "its not true for me"....
but...It is!!
Im not trying to sound conceited or vain because, believe me, its not like that. Not even close....
But it is just as extreme...
just in the opposite direction.
i.dont.feel.beautiful.
so therefore, i don't see myself as beautiful.
just how it is.
but wait! What does that second part say?
"What you are is beautiful."
Its true. and im gonna make myself believe it.
"For you're fearfully and wonderfully made."
Interesting.
I am gonna make myself believe this. Because its.true.
I have this fear...of becoming vain.
but for crying out loud i seriously have NO self confidence!
In any area!!
And its more than just this beauty thing...
if i were to choose one word to describe how i feel it would be this:
Unworthy.
This spans to sooo many different parts of my life.
For example...
i feel unworthy of love.
i feel unworthy of feeling beautiful.
i feel unworthy of a cute guy's stare.
i feel unworthy of a best friend...especially the one i have...
i feel unworthy of anyone sticking around.
i feel unworthy of being successful.
i feel unworthy of....being worth anything...
but i don't even feel this way for a particular reason.
except that ive basically taught myself that this is how it is.
im just not worth it.
my opinions aren't worth sharing. my voice isn't worth hearing. its like, all my life....
ive been teaching myself this.
and ive been hearing it too.
honestly i have ALLOWED myself to be put down by basically...everyone.
its no longer something i think they even feel bad about.
i have put myself down too.
and so, i mean honestly, how can, after all these years of this kind of treatment and behavior, how can a girl even expect to have even an ounce of self confidence left?!
yeah...she cant. she cant expect it and she cant have it.
but....she can find it again.
she can learn to love herself.
she can learn to believe in herself.
she can learn.
i will learn. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7dI7Bw7aiU&feature=related

my heart. right there <3

"Im healing but its takin so long..." <3

well isn't that just the understatement of the century. or, at least, the moment.
honestly, healing is more of a process than i ever anticipated.

All the pieces of this broken heart

All the pieces of this broken heart by alwaysthegirlnextdoor on Polyvore.com



wow. what can i say? ive only been broken by like...everyone ive ever come in contact with. not to mention all those i cared about, loved or trusted.
but the saddest thing is, i didn't just care about, love and trust these people...
i truly believed they cared about me. i truly believed they loved me and i TRULY believed....they were worthy of my trust. and that they had something invested in me. something....
that would make them stick around.
and i believed all of this even though its NEVER come about.
its just fact. reality. truth.
no. one. ever. sticks. around.

Post 200! 
Didn't plan it this way, but im glad this is how it turned out.
cuz its a post for the person that deserves it the most...
and its a happy post. :)

All i have to say, is that sometimes just seeing a person can turn.everything.around.
Literally, i feel so much better, like you don't even know!! <3 <3 <3
lol, i love Skype!!

wow. what can i say? something that has haunted me for YEARS....
but now thats over. its dealt with. or its being dealt with.
its no longer the thing i hate most about myself.

now what i hate is yet another flaw.
my inability to trust.
honestly, if i could choose ONE thing to change about me, that would be it.
and here is what i have learned.
the process itself teaches you a lesson.
and i KNOW that the process of learning to trust is what is going to teach me to trust again. i know its not something i can just wake up and do, its gonna be a process.
but heres the thing...
i don't know if i have time to go through a process!
what if....what if you don't wanna stick around through all this?
ill be honest, i wouldn't blame you.
id hate it but c'mon really? what reason am i giving you to stay!?
none. you trust me completely and i physically CANT do that yet...
im just....not in that place...
yet.
im sorry. believe you me id give anything to just be there.
and i know that IF we come out of this, we will be stronger.
its just the "IF" part that gets me.
but see?? thats half my problem! im alwayssss playing 'what if?'
i want to just let go and enjoy what we have now.
i imagine im wearing you VERY thin with my constant need for reassurance of where we stand and all....
i.am.so.sorry.
truly.
but you need to understand something.
my heart....has scars engraved so deeply in that they will NEVER heal. they just wont.
my heart is so damaged and bruised...
ive given myself away emotionally FAR more than i wish i had.
and yeah, i look at you and i go, "one more time". as in, ill give this one more shot.
ill trust one.last.time.
but i look at my heart...broken...shattered...scarred.
and i just.cant.do.it.
i just cant put one more scar on it.
i KNOW its stupid. cuz, 'whats one more?'
but if you could see the emotional state im in, you'd understand.
you are confident. your heart....
and maybe it DOES look like mine.
but i just cant imagine that anyone's heart is AS scarred...as mine.
at least, anyone without reason. there are people who have lost far more than me. at least THEY have a reason for their heart to be in the shape its in.
although, i guess i do too.
its just that my reason is my desperation for love and my stupidity in giving my heart and trust and EVERYTHING to...anyone.