Tuesday, July 19, 2011

i dont wanna wake up one day, just to hear you say....its over.

-Its been too long. Im in too deep. If he lets go now. Of this secret that he keeps. He swears it'll be. His very last straw. And then the blame falls to me. For not believing him all along.-


I don't know what to make of this. Somedays, it feels like a plot. A trick. A scheme. And i wouldn't say this except we have been down this road before.
But then there are days that it feels so real. And i don't know what to do. I feel bad for ever NOT believing him. And in that moment, nothing feels more real, or more frightening.
I swear when he ran out that door i thought he was never coming back. Thank God for people that had the common sense to go after him.
Because i just froze. And that scares me too. That in a moment like that, i would freeze.
Regardless, he is here now.


I just don't know. I am just so mind-locked. I cant even think. This whole thing is so new to me. I am used to talking people through things, but when he needs action....
and he needs it from someone else.
See, the HARDEST part of this, is that he doesn't need it from me. *I* am not what he is after. Which is FINE! But the girl he wants it from cant and wont give it to him. And i don't blame her. Thats not it at all. She isn't ready and all these other things. Her reasons are legit.
But is his threat?
Because that outweighs everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
Not that she should give in. Not that she should do something she is uncomfortable with.
But *THAT* takes precedence over anything else.
Oh, how i wish....
but i wont even bother. Wishes cant make this better. Wont change anything.
wasting my time typing on here wont make this better either. but i just don't know what else to do. where to turn. whether to believe this or not. but i guess i should. cuz in the end, ill regret it more...if i don't.
but if im saying i believe him...
then i need to act.
and i don't know how ......

5 comments:

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

wow! tons of emotions here. :( I don't know what's going on, but you've always been there in prayer for me in my times of need, so I'll do the same for you now! Luckily, God is never an emotional roller coaster. He's so steady. He never changes, and He can be your anchor in this storm!

Han and Momo said...

for sure.... its a very long story that involves a confused and hurt boy and a resistant girl.... and threats of suicide. i have no idea where this thing is going. Thank you! we all definitely need the prayers. <3 and you are so right. I just need to release control and allow Him to take over. Thank you <3

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

oh no! :( That's such a hard situation! I've been there, well it was different, but I know how hard it is to deal with suicidal people. They aren't thinking rationally at all, so to try and talk to them about it is impossible! At least in my experience, but I'll definitely be praying! <3

Han and Momo said...

Thank you. I cant say that enough. God is the only One who can intervene and turn this thing around. I try to bring it to Him, but every time i even think about it i just go numb. Im so sorry you have had to deal with this as well. You're right, it is SO hard. Thank you. your support and your prayers mean a lot to me. <3

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

anytime Morgan! <3 <3 prayer is sooo powerful! We can't afford to neglect it.