Sunday, July 31, 2011

Failures brought to light, grace shining through the night.

Okay, so i have to get something out on here. As you all know, i treat this thing like my journal. Well, im pretty frustrated about something, so my journal/blog is gonna hear about it...mostly because i don't know what else to do with these feelings.

I am not ashamed to be a Christian. I love my God. And i am perfectly fine with people knowing that. I want to live my life in a way that just reflects Christ's Love. So that people look at me and go, ya know, theres something different about her.
Im not there yet, but thats my goal.
However, as much as i want certain people to know about God...
And it bothers me so much to sit by and watch it happen.
For ONE reason. Or maybe there is more. I don't know. Lets explore this.
First off, BECAUSE IT TURNS PEOPLE OFF!!! You cant just walk around and shove this thing in peoples faces. And, sometimes, they are looking for advice. Like, real advice. Not that God isn't real. He is for sure. Hands down. But....sigh.
And i know of people that will disagree with me on this.
But, while i believe you should pray in and about everything, sometimes a situation ACTUALLY CALLS FOR ACTION!
Thats the point i was trying to make that night. Yes, God is enough. Yes God is always there and ready to listen. Yes, God can take away any pain you have and replace it with His Joy.
BUT!! He doesn't always. Life isn't like, oh lets pray and everything will all be better.
Come on. Really?
I am one for prayer. But i am also one for action. When a situation requires action, then lets pray AND act.
And yet your response to everything is a prayer or a Bible verse.
And i love that you are so willing to share that. And i am absolutely one hundred percent sorry if this offends anyone. But i am all down backing down from what i believe just because other people don't like it. I have hidden my morals for so long that it honestly took a while for me to find them again.
But, for the most part, ive got them back. I have something to fight for. And im gonna stand up no matter if the whole world is sitting down.
I stand up against abortion. I stand up against abuse. I stand up against prejudice.
And i stand up against Bible beating.
Because you cant come at someone like that.
I should know.
And part of why this brothers me so much...well its two-fold really.
One is that it reminds me of someone. Someone who is at the BIGGEST hypocrite, both religiously and otherwise, that i have ever met in my LIFE!!
And i will never be like her.
SHE is the reason people are turned off to Christianity.
And i don't feel the slightest bit of guilt in saying this because its true. I wanted to like her. And for a a lot of years i did. I actually looked up to her. At one point, (and im ashamed to admit this) but i was LIKE her.
But im not anymore. I love my God but i WILL NOT shove Him down your throat. And you want to know why?
Because then you choke on Him. And you don't want Him because, guess what, when something hurts you, when something scares you, you are afraid to go back to it.
And i don't blame you. But i don't want that for you either.
The other reason i am turned off by this kind of "preaching" is because *I* was preached at like this. And i hated it. I felt like someone was literally cramming this down my throat. I couldn't breathe. And so i ran away from it. Something i had known my whole life, something i had loved my whole life, and someone started pushing it and forcing me. I was forced to go to youth group and to church. When i would be forced to read my Bible (even a couple weeks ago. I read my Bible. Every morning. Its how i start off my day.) but when you come around and you start FORCING these things, i choke and i run.
For a long time, and i know this was MY choice, but for a long time i stayed far away form God. I felt like HE was the reason things went so sour in my life. And i felt like Christianity was hypocritical. I cannot even recall the specific circumstance.
But i can still feel it.
I remember the night she facebooked me. It was the last time she ever got to do that. We are now not friends and blocked each other.
But i remember the last night she did it. I sat there and my blood felt like it was LITERALLY. BOILING.
I have never felt angrier in my life.
And from that moment on i vowed to NEVER be like her. I was a real Christian. And i know i am not to judge her. But she was (by her own actions and even some words if i recall) The Perfect Christian. And, since we all know those don't exist, but the closest thing we have is a pharisee...
Yup. Hypocrite.
And thats what she was. Everything in her last note to me was hypocritical. I almost screamed when i read it. Every sentence made me angrier and angrier until i thought i wad going to explode.
I was typing a response when she blocked me.
Real mature.
But from there i just KNEW i wouldn't be like that.
And what im watching happen isn't NEARLY as extreme.
But it still feels wrong to me.
And you can do things how you want. I will say nothing to your face. That is why im writing on here instead.
But i don't agree with what you're doing.
I feel ike you should befriend people. Really get to know them. Find out what they are after. And, when they come around to actually searching out answers, offer them one. THE One.
But don't push it.
Ya know, im not even angry typing this anymore. I am just...
Calm. And i stil dont agree with you.
But I know i can do, and WILL do, nothing about it.
Because its your choice.
However, i will do things my way.
Im just curious as to what will work.
And maybe you are right. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. Because i am often wrong. I sit here and i am not claiming to be perfect. In fact, i am claiming quite the opposite. I KNOW that i am full of flaws and failures and imperfections.
But i am also full of Perfection.
Jesus is the ONLY Perfect thing within me.
And HE is what i want shining out. And so yes, i share my failures. Because, in failure and falling, shines mercy and grace.
Sometimes, in imperfection, you find the most Perfection.
THAT is what i want people to see.
I don't WANT to have to shove it down your throat.
I want my actions to radiate His Love.
I am so honored and humbled that He would allow me, in all my imperfection, to actually illuminate His Love.
And that is all i will say. Because I want to SHOW it, more than SAY it. And besides...
I think this post is long enough! ;)

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