i wanna cry. i wanna sing. i want there to be some way for me to express these emotions inside of me. But i want it to be in a dignified manner. because yes, i can let the shower water wash away my tears. And i can let them fall free when i am alone. But i want some way to communicate what i feel. And i wont cry for you. Not because crying is weak. But because, where im from, crying is a form of manipulation. It is used to make someone feel bad enough or guilty enough, to get them to give in to whatever you ask.
Thats not how i handle things. If i want something, you will hear the request come out of my mouth or you wont hear about it at all.
And while my words are often put more eloquently on paper, that does not make them any less real, does it?
And yet words are not accredited the same as tears.
But no, my tears are my own. They are shared with only a few. Not because other people are unworthy to see them, but because they are mine. They are personal. They are shared with those to whom they don't have to be explained.
So there will be no crying.
But i want to sing that song with such raw emotion, that everything inside of you says, "she means what she says". No manipulation. No lies. No guilt trips.
And then don't judge me for it.
Dont freak out. I have dealt with it this long. So allow me to continue dealing with it.
Then what, you may ask, is the point of you knowing? Well, to be honest, i don't share my feelings well. if anyone reads this blog you are probably confused by that because, as you are probably fully aware, this blog is full of thoughts and emotions and feelings.
BUT...this blog is the only place i am free to do that. And for a while i thought i wasn't even free to do it here. And so i went through and erased about 20 posts. Because the safety of this was threatened.
Honestly, im like that with people. If i feel safe with you, i will invest all of me into you. Not so much as to scare you off (although i have done that before, thats why i know now to reign it in), but me. You get me. But the second that security i feel with you is threatened, or is no longer there, i pull back. Because in the same manner that i would not put myself in danger physically, i will not stay emotionally with someone that i cant feel safe with anymore.
Oh goodness i don't even know if im making sense here. its been a long day and my head is all stuffy from being sick!! But i know these thoughts and feelings are real. Parts of who i am again.
Even if they only make sense to me.
ps. i thought they made sense to you. i thought I made sense to you. and now....gosh i feel like im on a boat in a storm, about to be thrown overboard any minute. And while going into the water would pretty much kill everything we have, staying on the boat, rocking back and forth, never knowing what will happen next...is making me pretty sick. And im not sure how much longer i can do this either.
Just had to say.