Saturday, July 30, 2011

Expressions of love and uncertainty lost in the mix of everyday life and simplicity. Hate to throw in my confusion and mess everyone up.

i wanna cry. i wanna sing. i want there to be some way for me to express these emotions inside of me. But i want it to be in a dignified manner. because yes, i can let the shower water wash away my tears. And i can let them fall free when i am alone. But i want some way to communicate what i feel. And i wont cry for you. Not because crying is weak. But because, where im from, crying is a form of manipulation. It is used to make someone feel bad enough or guilty enough, to get them to give in to whatever you ask. 
Thats not how i handle things. If i want something, you will hear the request come out of my mouth or you wont hear about it at all.
And while my words are often put more eloquently on paper, that does not make them any less real, does it?
And yet words are not accredited the same as tears. 
But no, my tears are my own. They are shared with only a few. Not because other people are unworthy to see them, but because they are mine. They are personal. They are shared with those to whom they don't have to be explained. 
So there will be no crying. 
But i want to sing that song with such raw emotion, that everything inside of you says, "she means what she says". No manipulation. No lies. No guilt trips. 
Just honesty.
And then don't judge me for it.
Dont freak out. I have dealt with it this long. So allow me to continue dealing with it. 
Then what, you may ask, is the point of you knowing? Well, to be honest, i don't share my feelings well. if anyone reads this blog you are probably confused by that because, as you are probably fully aware, this blog is full of thoughts and emotions and feelings. 
BUT...this blog is the only place i am free to do that. And for a while i thought i wasn't even free to do it here. And so i went through and erased about 20 posts. Because the safety of this was threatened.
Honestly, im like that with people. If i feel safe with you, i will invest all of me into you. Not so much as to scare you off (although i have done that before, thats why i know now to reign it in), but me. You get me. But the second that security i feel with you is threatened, or is no longer there, i pull back. Because in the same manner that i would not put myself in danger physically, i will not stay emotionally with someone that i cant feel safe with anymore.
Oh goodness i don't even know if im making sense here. its been a long day and my head is all stuffy from being sick!! But i know these thoughts and feelings are real. Parts of who i am again.
Even if they only make sense to me.

ps. i thought they made sense to you. i thought I made sense to you. and now....gosh i feel like im on a boat in a storm, about to be thrown overboard any minute. And while going into the water would pretty much kill everything we have, staying on the boat, rocking back and forth, never knowing what will happen making me pretty sick. And im not sure how much longer i can do this either.
Just had to say.


Kaitlyn Nicole said...

wow. The crying thing really got me. I am a crier. Like any traumatic, stressful, hurtful, or just sad conversation and I am instantly in tears. I have NO idea how to reign them in. and I have worried so much that I am not seen as manipulative in that way!! Because you're so right, it really can seem that way! I try so hard to use my words, but tears just come so much easier and naturally. wow. I probably don't even realize half the time that I should SAY it first, then release the tears. haha. as if there's a button ;) but I can so relate to this! except I usually open up my feelings far to easily to people and get burned a lot for it. You'd think I'd learn by now...and I actually think I finally am learning!! so that is the good news, there's hope!! haha. anyways, I like this post. and forgive me for writing such a book comment!!

Han and Momo said...

Wow, first off i just wanted to say that im sorry if i offended you!! I did not mean to say that crying WAS manipulation. Rather, that i have mostly seen it used as that. And so it is tainted for me now. I cannot cry without thinking "guilt trip".
I see what you mean though, tears can definitely come easier than words. I think i have just taught mine to stay concealed.
Sometimes, if it comes down to the point where the only thing i can do is cry, then i cry. Or sometimes i just walk away.
It almost scares me that i cant let anyone in in this way.
But um, yeah. To be honest i guess i let people in too.
The thing is, i open myself up for the WRONG people, and i close myself off to the people that could actually help me.
Haha i think i am beginning to learn some things too :)
Hehe thank you :) And i don't mind, haha from one rambler to another, i know how long thoughts can sometimes get! ;)