I just don't know where to turn. Because i feel like everywhere i turn winds up being a dead end, but i don't know until im in too far, and ive wasted my time.
Thats all a metaphor, of course. But its what my life feels like. I am sorry. I am sorry to have to keep typing this all on here. But really, where else do i go?
My heart….hasn't hurt like this in a long time.
It brings me back years ago. Back through all sorts of pain. Right on the tip of when life stopped being easy.
To when i lost my best friend. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.
But what scares me even more, is that it could happen again.
I. KNEW. BETTER.
Than to let myself start caring again.
I knew better than to get attached.
But do i ever ACT on what i know?!
No.
So i let myself fall into something again. I shared myself with people. People that could hurt me. Can hurt me.
Why? Why did i do that? And i could say that it was something i did in a moment of weakness. But i actually think it was strong.
I know, i cant believe i did something strong either.
But i really do think its more strong than it is weak to let someone inside. Someone that could hurt you which is basically anyone.
Because people are, well…
People.
But we fought last night. Well…it wasn't really a fight. But it was awkward and tense. And you were upset. Not with me. But it kind of came out on me. You and I both know it.
But now everything is fine.
Im not really worried about us.
But her…
I feel like we fought today, but who really knows?!
You are extremely sarcastic, much like me, but it can be hard to differentiate between sarcasm and truth over texts and twitter.
Sighhhh…. But the truth is i kind of knew this would happen. Everyone that gets to know me, leaves me.
A.L.W.A.Y.S.
Its just how it is. And yet, i let you get to know me.
I don't even know why.
I didn't need to.
And the weirdest thing is how little i really KNEW you…
and yet i honestly feel like we've known each other for so long.
I cant believe i trusted you so fast.
Grrrr….i have 2 minutes to finish this….never mind, ill do it on my ipod…hang on-…
ADN, its like, especially with you, i always have to know when to show emotion, when to hold back…
its like everything in life is a game.
but i am just so sick of playing!
i want something real. something that'll last. something that isn't…
always left up to chance. not a guessing game.
please?
and i feel like i have to have my guard up
All.The.Time.
I get hurt otherwise. Recently, i made a good friend. At camp actually. I shared things with her and she shared things with me. We knew each other for a handful of days and yet something made us trust each other. which is weird for both of us, cuz we have trust issues.
but now…. i am mostly just scared i think. because, literally, everyone in my life that has gotten close to me, has left me.
and i have another friend…i cant tell if im bugging her either. i asked my camp friend yesterday on the ride to chicago. we were texting and i asked her if she was getting sick of me. i almost cried.
i just miss how things used to be. when we were at camp we had these amazing conversations. and now that we are back it all feels so….surface level. and i hate that. i hate feeling like i have to try to figure out what is "safe" to say. its like talking to my old best friend. well, not quite that bad. anyways, its just not the same, but i want it to be. And also, she doesn't share her feelings well. she is like me in that respect. well, i share mine through writing but thats about it. i don't walk around crying and telling the world my problems and neither does she. but neither one of us know how to show love either. cuz we keep everything inside.
we've learned thats the only way to live, and not get burned.
but now here i stand and i burn someone else. i am not trying to, but i don't know how to stop.
what is the best way to go about this? either way im a jerk. i know.
i don't want to break anyone. at all. ever. and yet i am. i am breaking myself. but i am making a rational decision. i am not fighting fire with fire or anything of that nature. I just cant do this anymore.
i just cant. but i lie and say that i can.
because i don't know what else to do.
how do you end something without breaking and hurting and scarring someone?
Yeah. I know its not possible either.
so, in the process of complaining about getting hurt, i end up hurting someone else?
Great. what does that make me?
But i don't know…
anything.
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY DAY!!!!
So why am i feeling like this?! Why does this wave of emotion choose today to wash over me?!
I smiled. I had a good time. It wasn't fake. But it wasn't the whole truth either.
Im haunted by the scars you left behind.
deeper than can be erased by time
guess im stuck with them for the rest of my life
thank you so much for coming by
and the second i believe im okay
is the second you decide to show your face
and then i get used to things being this way
and you decide to make your get away
why cant you just make up your mind
you're hurting me and it hurts to lie
and say im fine
…all the time
my hearts been drug down
been beaten bruised and turned inside out
and then you left it and just when i got it bandaged up and bound
----you came back around
and the second i believe im okay
is the second you decide to show your face
and then i get used to things being this way
and you decide to make your get away
why cant you just make up your mind
you're hurting me and it hurts to lie
and say im fine
…all the time
i suppress things until i can suppress no more
i hurt in ways you'd never know
my heart is far beyond torn
i just hold things in until they explode
and then im left
to clean up the mess
and make empty hallow promises
like "ill never do that again"
but the second i believe im okay
is the second you decide to show your face
and then i get used to things being this way
and you decide to make your get away
why cant you just make up your mind
you're hurting me and it hurts to lie
and say im fine
…all the time
I cant continue to lie
and keep everything inside
i cant keep up with this and i
im getting sick of faking it all the time….<3
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