Saturday, October 8, 2011

ok. well we took care of what could have been a very awkward situation...except now im not sure i even want to go...
no, i DO want to go..but things got 'taken care of' in one of the two ways i was hoping they wouldn't.
oh well i guess. i mean, after all, what did i really expect?
this was the logical way to handle this, i know.
:'( yeah when you told me yesterday...i wanted to cry right there.
but ya know, i was at work so i maintained.
i still haven't cried. but it just hurts. i just keep it inside and it just hurts.
im trying not to be jealous. im really...ugh.
but i see you with so many other people and i look at every one of those people as someone who could easily replace me. :/
which i KNOW is stupid because we have been over this and...ughhhh!!
thats why i cant tell you i feel like this. cuz its dumb and therefore i look dumb and...
and maybe if i keep rehashing the same dumb things over n over...
you just WILL replace me.
...i DONT want that. thats why i wont tell you what happened between me and her. but see..ugh! you invited her to come with us...or however that worked.
its guna be the 3 of us even though YOU said you didn't want that.
look, i UNDERSTAND why you said she could come.
but i need YOU to understand that we had this worked out, you said you wanted to go with me and that 3 would be awkward...i counted on it just being us...
and then..
now she's coming.
im not mad. i swear. im just.. hurt.
i know i know i know i know i know that you guys are friends, that it would've been awkward any other way, etc.
i just..i guess i felt like i could count on what you said.
and now i feel like ive been cheated.
because i wanted to spend time
and she wants to spend time with you and im sure she doesn't want me there and the two of us are gonna end up fighting over you and its just...
actually, she'll get you and ill fade off into the background, like i always do.
and gosh if that happens, i pray you'll notice. i pray you'll care.
...but i guess if you don't...
no. you will. i know it.
i just hate this. im not mad at you, i understand but...
im hurting because i wanted this to be OUR thing.
i didn't WANT to have to fight for your attention.
but it is what it is. I prayed God would have His Hand in this. and i specifically asked Him not to do it like this but i said His will be done so..
i guess ill believe this is His plan..
im just hurt.
haha and? i take back what i said about not crying...

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