Thursday, October 6, 2011

i feel like such.a.jerk.
i didn't mean for it to come to this.
no, i swear, i didn't...
the saddest thing is..we USED to be friends.
and now its all fallen apart.
i dont blame you. because i understand how you are feeling and i cant say i would react any differently.
im just really...
gosh i don't even know.
i feel guilty. like, i know i probably shouldn't but..i do.
and i wanna tell her what happened. because i am sick of keeping this from her. im sick of hiding something when we said we would never hide things.
and because this is burning me. more than i let anyone know. this like, really hurts.
and i WANT to get it out there so we can deal with it.
but..for some reason..this is SOO hard. which is weird, when i think back to the other things we've discussed.
and i know i will most likely feel better once its out there but...
i guess im ultimately afraid of two things.
1..that ill tell her and she'll go back to YOU. which is dumb. because i know the whole...ugh. i know that MOST LIKELY wont happen. and im not tooo worried about that. but i will admit..there is a SMALL part of me that will probably always be scared of that.
and 2. afraid imma sound like a jerk..and worse..
im afraid i will sound like im tryn to turn her against you when im not. not at all. youre still friends. great.
but lets just get ONE.THING. out here.
SHE decided to go with ME.
SHE did. and i know, when we see you there, it will be awkward. and i KNOW it will be assumed that *I* am to blame. i KNOW it will look like i said "lets leave her out"...well, thats not true. not at all. and me and her both know that. and thats fine. you can assume what you want about me. i know you will regardless. and ill take that bullet for my friend. any day. if you want to blame me, you go right ahead. i wont shove her under the bus just to get your targets off me.
but the thing is, as much as i WILL take that bullet..i don't want there to be any bullets required. i feel like you should get fair warning. i don't want your day to be ruined by you seeing me and her there. i don't want you to hurt. i really don't. i told you, we WERE friends. i never stopped caring about you. its just...
well its really hard for me to talk to you now. because i know how you feel and, even more, i know how your MOTHER feels. which broke me to pieces. those words burned me like nothing else. to hear that someone out there ACTUALLY wished that her and i had never gotten close? o.O seriously. i cried over that. someone ACTUALLY wishes that 'things had transpired differently'...
i dont even know how to explain how that made me feel.
but i want you to know..
just because your mom feels like that, doesn't mean you do and i know that.
you might agree with your mom. but i don't know that for a fact. and we(were)friends, so ill give you the benefit of the doubt.
i hate what this has turned into. but, much to the distress of some people, i WILL NOT back off. she is my best.friend. seriously. no one will E.V.E.R. understand just HOW close we are. i have never ever ever trusted someone this much. that in and of itself scares me.
but it feels right.
her and i look at it like that God brought us together. we don't see this as something we did. we see this as ALL GOD.
...are we wrong about that? cuz now i see you hurting and...i wonder...
but no. i know what i know. i know that everything that has happened between us, the growing and changing and opening up...i KNOW that was God. because neither of us could have done that on our own. i can SEE God's Handprint in all of this.
but....gosh. i HATE so much that you hurt.
God...what...what do i do about this?
and what do i do with my own feelings of bitterness at the words that were said? what do i do with the pain of someone..
and what do i do with the guilt of hurting someone?
well..imma go prayer journal about this.
if anyone happens to read this..i know its all kinda cryptic. sorry. sometimes i just write to get things out and i forget that people (might) read this! lol
but...could you please just pray? thanks <3 love y'all

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