I deserve better

Can I just say Im fed up? I'm frustrated and I'm just done. And at the same time, I know I have something good going here. And I won't give it up because you are being stupid an petty and childish. But how can I continue doing what I'm doing? How can I like what I'm doing? When you ruin it for me. That's what you're doing. I deserve better than this. Better than the way you're treating me. Better than the words you say about me. Better than your cold, hostile actions towards me. I deserve better than you. 
And I wish I could say all of these things to your face. Or at least to your facebook. But that means I'd hafta request to be your friend. Haha. As it! I will never want to be that. And i will never ask. Beg. Plead. 
Nope. I'm done. I'm not letting anyone take advatage of me.  
Haha. It's funny how tough I sound on paper, isn't it? In reality.. Well I usually AM tough. I'm strong. I don't let people get away with stupid stuff. I have yelled at people for things not nearly as bad as what youre doing. And yet... I can bring myself to yell at you. To confront you. Cuz you have something I don't. Backup. You have people on your side. Although I have no idea why, there's people that seem to like you. Fine, whatever. That's THEIR decision. And unlike you, I won't try to make that decision for anyone else. 
But you have backup. In a sense, it's like you have an army behind you. And I am just the lone soldier. Oh, I know I have friends. And I know I have people on my side. The question is, will they be brave enough to stand up? To stand up to you and stand up for me. Past experience has taught me not to count on that. It's taught me that I start a battle and I will be fighting alone. It's taught me not to count on backup. It's taught me I won't have any. 
And yes. I know so much better than this. I really do! I know that God is there. I know that He cares and is ALWAYS on my side. Always backing me up. And I love Him so much for that. So much for... Everything He does and is and stands for and... But.. *sigh. 
I need someone here. And I'm used to having no one. 
So yes. If you were ever reading this (not that I'm thinking you will) I hope you read all of it. I was gonna say I hope you just read the top half, got scared and fled the country. But no, I hope you'd read the whole thing. Cuz I want you to see me breaking. Yep, you read that right. I want you to see how much this is hurting me. I want you to know it. 
Most people I think would want to hide it. They'd wanna play tough and pretend to be strong and whole. 
But I'm not like most people. And I don't. I want you to know that your snide little comments DONT just roll off my back. With every one you break another little piece of my heart. Although, believe you me, I'd much rather keep my heart away from you. But I'm not like that. And that reminds me of something else I need to blog about. Er, rather, someONE else.  
So I'll stop here and just say, no matter what i said, what you think, I AM strong. Because of Him. You can laugh if you want. I'd honestly expect nothing more from you. Anything that's important to me has to be stupid to you. 
Alright now look who is getting mean. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm being mean. And I'm sorry you are too. 
So I'll leave you with, yes, you ARE breaking me. Does that make you happy?  
And yes you are hurting me. But not for long. If history repeats itself, you're in for a treat. It probably wont take me long, either. Like a bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. And you just never know. But one day I'm just gonna explode. And you are gonna hear everything I've needed to say to you. I might not even be mean. I might just be fed up and almost broken beyond repair. There may be tears involved. I don't hafta be mean. We will just hafta see. 
One thing I know for sure. I don't deserve this. And I WILL not stand for it. Whether you think i'll be fighting alone or not. Cuz the truth is, I'm never alone. He is ALWAYS there. He has proved faithful time and time again. 
Why would this time be any different? <3

Isn't It Funny...?

Ya know. It's funny how someone can come in and just completely change
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
entirely.
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a baby...you hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?


~Love, Always, Forever~

Let's Be Real For Just A Sec, Then You Can Go On Pretending Everything's OK...

I hate it when it feels like the whole world is caving in on you. And
there's nothing you can do to stop it cuz...its the whole world. It's
so much bigger than you and it's so much deeper and heavier than you
can handle and you watch it fall. And you know it's gonna fall on you.
It's the worst feeling in the world to realize that something awful is
gonna happen just seconds before it does. There's no time to prepare
for it. No time to run away and hide or take cover. Granted, maybe
it's worse if you never see it coming. But this feels pretty awful as
it is.
It feels awful to lose your best friend or someone you love.
It feels awful to walk away from a relationship and leave things
broken, knowing you'll never have a chance to fix them.
It feels awful to be left out.
It feels awful not to fit in...and to know you never will.
It feels awful being on the outside of a perfect situation. watching someone else be loved and knowing you'll never be loved that way. You'll never be treated like they are.
It feels awful to listen to your parents fighting and slamming doors
till two in the morning.
It feels awful to hate. Your friend. Your enemy. Yourself.
And yes, I know that there are way worse problems than mine. Don't
even bother telling me, I know. But I can't feel those other problems.
All I can feel is my own. All I know is how something, a situation,
affects me. I'm not trying to be narcissistic. But all I can do is
feel something for myself.
Right now... It just feels like NOTHING IS EVER GONNA STOP! but I know
that isn't true. And yet...right now I don't believe it. I can't
believe it. Even though my head knows it's true my heart doesn't. And
that's all that matters. I listen to my heart. Whether that's good or
bad I don't know. What I do know is it's what it is and always will
be. I am who i am and that's not gonna change.
And I'm not sorry.

(Song Lyrics Below.)

THE WAY IT IS....

I won't aplogize
For what I feel inside
But when I open my mouth an the words come out
It's then I wonder an begin to doubt
Myself
Was that actual
Factual
Or am I just overreacting
That's what they tell me


Somtimes it's easier to keep your mouth shut than deal with the
consequences
Cuz usually it hurts more in the end
Harder than the silence woulda been
Some people might say that's wrong
But in my world it's been a survival tactic for so long
An that's not gonna change
It's just the way it is
...just the way it is

I know I am strong and I don't question that
But when it's all goin wrong an the only way to fix it is to take it
back
That's when I know I'm outta luck
I see the shots comin at me with no time to duck

-chorus-

Survival
Or denial
In all this pain
What do I really gain
Am I really helping myself
Or am I just giving my ammo to someone else
Saying "fight away"
Then I hide away
I've gotta face this
If I wanna change this
Like I say..... I do....
But sometimes it's easier to

-chorus-



~Love, Always, Forever~

Im Awake Now

Hey yall, im back :)
and ive got good news this time! I've "come back to" God. Not like i really walked away. but id just become very desensitized to the ways of this world and i'd really fallen away from having a relationship with Him. i was feeling like something was missing. i was feeling a little empty. And i was wondering what could fill me up. I was looking around the world trying to find what i thought i needed and wondered why it wasnt coming to me. and when it did come...why wasnt i feeling full...or at least better. why was it that all those relationships that i thought would make me feel less lonely actually did the opposite?
Its cuz they werent permanent. God is ALWAYS there. But my friends... arent. No human can be. I feel like being away from a church for so long, i forgot what i knew deep in my heart.
But this past week at church there was an 'Army of One' gathering. Lots of churches came together and we just worshipped for about 2 hours. And if anything is going to speak to me, its music. it was amazing. i could just literally FEEL God's Presence wash over me. I didnt even really wanna go Mini Golfing after that, which, honestly, is the big reason i went that night. (well, that and friends...) But God used that opportunity and...Pulled me to Him. He knew i needed it. I became sorta vulnerable there. I was open. And Jesus just jumped in. i dont know exactly how to explain it. i know it was real. it still is. I am making a more conscious (sp?) effort to have a relationship with Jesus. I dont WANT it to just be my 'religion'. i want it to be the relationship i say it is. And now im really getting back to that!! :) Praise God, right? He always knows exactly what we need and how to get it to us!! :)
So, i just wanted to tell all my blogging friends about this amazing experience...revitalization :D
LOVE Y'ALL, AND MY AMAZING LORD!
momo <3

MY PICTURE OF A PROPER YOUTH GROUP

okay, heres the thing. ive been to quite a few different youth groups, but none of them quite fit the bill. im so sick of watching the leaders be more interested in giving us soda and getting us involved in a good game of dodgeball than sitting us down and really digging in deep about spiritual topics. dont they see thats what we need??? dont they understand that we can get what they are offering us anywhere??? some of us come to youth group to be fed. spiritually. and some of us come to youth group because its become a place to gather with your friends and get free pizza. for a long time i justified it by saying "well, at least they are meeting in a church, not on the streets". but really whats the difference?!?!?! its not like theres any teaching that goes with that pizza. its just become a hang out. we can go to teen night at the YMCA for that except...wait! that costs money! so see, the church has really just become a free meeting place. and im sorry if im offending anyone, but i am just absolutely disgusted. i think to some degree, my parents think i just dont wanna go to youth group. at one point that may have been true. but the ONLY reason i wont go now, is because of what it is. or rather, everything it isnt. so, instead of just complaining about the problem, im offering a solution. i have an idea. a baby plan. how im gonna put it in action i have no idea. im still not 100% sure that God is telling me to put my energy into this. and as ive said before, i dont see how i can "mentor" high school kids when I AM ONE!!! but here is what i do know: if this is what God wants me to do, He'll show me how. He'll map out my course, leave footprints for me to follow and be there by my side holding my hand to help me along. and as a good friend pointed out: "let no one despise you because of your youth..." (1 Timothy 4:12)

so i am going to go ahead now and tell you my depiction of what a youth group should (and hopefully someday will) look like. oh, and one other thing: there may be youth groups like this around. if there are any, please, let me know. these arent necessarily MY ideas. Just what i want to see. and as of late, what i want to put in action...

Weekly "Mentoring" Sessions: a strong Christian leader will meet with students on a need-to-basis. or weekly. the leader and the student will meet maybe at, say, Starbucks. just to talk, to catch up on their weeks. the idea is for the leader and the student to be friends. to be there for each other (obviously the leader is probably there for the student more than the other way around! but you never know!) if you really wanna know what i am talking about, read the melody carlson "Diary of a teenage girl" books. but ill try to just add parts of the books that pertain to what i am talking about later.

Weekly Youth Group Meetings: Incredible worship, a powerful, challenging message, and small groups. sounds like a regular youth group to me. but i am talking, like, seriously. i think a lot of times thats what youth group is SUPPOSED to look like, but the leaders are either not strong enough to keep the kids in line, or they are so afraid of scaring people away by being forceful that they end up sending the kids that really came there looking for something spiritual packing. and, once again, we are searching for a place we can JUST BE FED! really, is that SO much to ask? it sure seems like it! and im sorry, if im offending anyone. really, i am. but this is my opinion. take it...or leave it. but this is something i feel passionate about and im done just keeping my mouth shut for fear of hurting someones feelings. because shutting up doesnt get the world changed. it doesnt get homeless people homes and it doesnt get hungry kids fed... In ANY sense. Physical, spiritual, or otherwise.
Oh, i guess ive gotten away from my plan. well, back to it we go! :)
Now, this is actually a two-fold idea.
theres 2 Bi-Weekly plans that fit together.
so, one week theres plan one
next week theres plan two.
the following week theres plan one again,
so on and so forth.
now, to tell you what plans one and two are!
plan one: An in home small group for students that want to dig deeper into God's Word, each other lives and our own. To build relationships and be there for each other.
Plan two, "missions" trips. we just spend a night, every other week, going out as a group, a team, and showing others God's Love. As my family and i were discussing last night, its great, wonderful, to be fed in a church. but all that doesnt mean anything, or at least not as much as it could, if we arent being fed, and then going out into the world and feeding other people. only then are we living like Jesus. at least in this aspect. i dont know the particulars. but i mean even something as simple as... going to the gas station and washing peoples car windows while they pump their gas. or we could go out for ice cream and give the cashier money for the next peoples order. whether they look like they "need" it or not. thats not the point and thats really not up to us to decide, is it?
and what about a summer camp...? ok. im getting carried away. but i dont view that as a bad thing. not. at. all... :) i am so excited about this new idea God has planted inside of me! :)