sometimes im just...amazed at how far i let myself go.
but not amazed in a good way.
i have days where i just stand and wonder how on earth things ever got so.messed.up.
yeah..i look back and see where i was, and i look at where i am now..and im proud of myself for making it out of all that. and im grateful to God for pulling me through it all.
but on the same hand..sometimes i just get stuck on step one. i look to the past..
and thats where it stops.
i see how.far. i let myself get..
and i hurt. i break.
i feel ashamed.
God does love me, yes. but..He shouldnt have to.
and i feel like i dont..deserve His love. i know i never could, but, when im looking back, i feel especially undeserving.
my brother just showed me this video from my old church..he says "you looked so innocent". and im like, "i was innocent".
and thats the truth.
i was.
in the video, im dancing with God. we are so in step. and then all these things of life come along, guys, money, body image, hatred..and they steal me from God. i mean, in the video, i let them steal me.
and the video gets really intense. the closing scene my character has a gun to her head. and in the last few seconds..she drops it. she drops the gun and she tries to run back to God. but all the things from her past stand in her way. they push her down. they literally tear her apart. they claw at her and do everything they can to keep her from God.
eventually, torn apart and worn out, my character falls to the ground. and all these people that represented her past just start kicking her. even though shes down, thats not enough. those things would be the death of her, if they could.
and then, just when i think my past has won..
God steps in.
He fights back it all.
which is amazing, if you stop to think about it.
God fights back all the bad stuff *I* let into my life.
He doesnt say, "well, you messed up but Ill take you back BUT you have to get to Me first. its your job to fight thru it all because you brought it upon yourself"..no. thats not what He says at all.
HE fights it. all. Himself.
for me.
and then He takes me by the hand..and we are back in step, just like that. He brushes me off, and we go back to walking together again.

what an image that was for me.
when i made that video with my church..i couldnt really relate. or anyways, i didnt see it that way...
but i do now.
oh boy, do i.
ive been places im not proud of, by all means.
ive pushed God away for "other things"..
i DONT deserve Him.
but i know He'll take me back anyways..
sighh..
what a humbling, truly humbling, concept..
God.Is.A.LOVING.Father. <3
God is also..a FORGIVING Father <3