"I hate, feeling like this, im so tired, of tryin to fight this.."

so maybe theres a million and one things i should be doing right now. but maybe theres only one thing i can do. sighhh...guys.. i dont even know whats wrong. its just...i think this year is catching up with me. or maybe thats just an excuse. but cmon, after the year ive had..i think its justified to feel like everything is wrong and not even be able to pinpoint one thing.. it just...feels wrong. everything. i wake up and, for a moment, im ok. and then its like i remember and i crash. and im not alone in this. but even more than wanting myself to feel better..i want my friend to feel better. i haaaate seeing someone, especially someone i love, hurting. i hate it. but i dont know how to fix this. i dont know how to fix this for either of us. ahhhh!!!!!!! i just wana scream. just scream. i cant even cry anymore. my tears know that whatever im wasting them on isnt even important anymore and they refuse to cooperate. so i just sit here. and even though everything is tearing me apart inside, theres no evidence on the outside that would ever lead you to believe that. and i know thats my fault too. ive trained myself to hide. why does it feel like im never gonna be on top of things again? i feel like i have the world on my shoulders and i just HAVE to keep running, because, if i dont, its gonna run over me. i feel like every step i make has to be carefully calculated..except im left with no time. so i have to just step in blindly and PRAY i made the right call. maybe this is supposed to be like, a test of faith? ... if thats the case, im pretty sure im failing..