Dang! here it is! i have been praying for God to just capture my heart. to pull me back to Him. where i really wanna be. i am so excited and typing so fast now that i am misspelling practically every other word! haha, but thats ok. man, this just really feels like a wake up call. this could be it. this could be what i really need. and more than that, it gives me a chance to really build up my faith while at the same time, really making a difference in someone else's. :D i am soooo excited right now!
"Nashville Needs Rebuilding – Join a team that, under the direction of Samaritan’s Purse,
will be rebuilding up to 20 homes in the Nashville area. Four teams with leaders are in place:
Oct. 10-16, Nov. 7-13, Dec. 5-11 and Jan. 16-22, 2011. Per person cost is $125. Interested?
Contact Pam by email or 414-412-0415 or visit her table on Sept. 19 and Oct 3.
Prepare to be changed forever!"
Ahhhhhhhh!!!! in case you dont know, i am absolutely in love with nashville. when i went there, briefly, with my daddy two years ago, it was just like, everything connected. all the pieces of my life felt like they fell in place. I feel so open, so creative, so....happy there. or anyways, i did. and yes, i still remember these feelings vividly. even two years later. because i have been holding onto these feelings praying and wishing and hoping that someday, one day, i would get there. i would get back to the place that.... <3
what better place for me to connect with God? what better place to make a difference? what better place to...be?
but i dont, in any way, want this to be all about me. i really dont. the purpose of a missions trip is to change someone else's life. but i dont see what would be so wrong with me rebuilding, or rather, restrengthening, my own faith there too :)
again though...there is a roadblock. but isn't there always one? is that just life?
i don't wanna go into this selfishly. i dont WANT to view this as simply a free (ok, $125 isn't exactly free , however, that is beyond the point) but as just a way to get me to Nashville. i dont want this to be something i do only for myself. or even with myself first in my mind, if that makes any sense.
but i also don't want to just reject this idea that God could've very well placed in my life.
Maybe..just maybe...He wants me to go...maybe the enemy is trying to talk me out of this BECAUSE it could be good, not only for me, but for a lot of other people too... hm....so i am praying about this. for sure! :) i really wanna go. and i really want God to want me to go.
but even if that is all decided and i know its what God wants and its what i want and need and all that pretty stuff...convincing my parents may be a different story...<3
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Randomness and such :)
I just changed the template or whatever you wanna call the background stuff of my blog. I clicked on it in the preview and at first glance, it might appear depressing. But on my first glance i thought, 'that's me!'.
So with the first week of school almost under my belt, i can feel fall coming on. Usually that makes me so happy. It really does. It does something in my heart, it sparks something creative in me, and i am just so... happy.
I was rudely (i didn't actually mind too much..) by the rain coming down hard and i had to shut the window. The wind was blowing, the rain was just pouring down, there was even a little thunder off in the distance. Even now there is still a very nice, cool autumn breeze :) im sitting in my room with the window thrown open, sitting here in my dress, just kinda feeling princess like, for no particular reason. I can hear the wind even through my earbuds. It is like, THAT breezy!
I am listening to We The Kings' "Check yes Juliet". I recently discovered i love love love that song :)
"Check yes Juliet, are you with me, rain is falling down on the sidewalk, i won't go until you come outside, check yes Juliet, kill the limbo (I don't actually understand that line...) I'll keep tossin rocks at your window, there's no turnin back for us tonight...
Run baby run, don't ever look back, they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance..."
haha, i've been listening to this song ALL morning. I love it. it makes me think of someone although i don't know why.
If i were really honest for like just a second, this particular person has kinda been all consuming for me lately. (sheepish grin)
i know that is not a good thing. it is one of the things i'm trying to work on with God.
well, honestly, i don't know where this post is going, haha. just my random thoughts.
<3
So with the first week of school almost under my belt, i can feel fall coming on. Usually that makes me so happy. It really does. It does something in my heart, it sparks something creative in me, and i am just so... happy.
I was rudely (i didn't actually mind too much..) by the rain coming down hard and i had to shut the window. The wind was blowing, the rain was just pouring down, there was even a little thunder off in the distance. Even now there is still a very nice, cool autumn breeze :) im sitting in my room with the window thrown open, sitting here in my dress, just kinda feeling princess like, for no particular reason. I can hear the wind even through my earbuds. It is like, THAT breezy!
I am listening to We The Kings' "Check yes Juliet". I recently discovered i love love love that song :)
"Check yes Juliet, are you with me, rain is falling down on the sidewalk, i won't go until you come outside, check yes Juliet, kill the limbo (I don't actually understand that line...) I'll keep tossin rocks at your window, there's no turnin back for us tonight...
Run baby run, don't ever look back, they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance..."
haha, i've been listening to this song ALL morning. I love it. it makes me think of someone although i don't know why.
If i were really honest for like just a second, this particular person has kinda been all consuming for me lately. (sheepish grin)
i know that is not a good thing. it is one of the things i'm trying to work on with God.
well, honestly, i don't know where this post is going, haha. just my random thoughts.
<3
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I believe in love
There's a few things I regret this summer. One is working so much that I completely missed it. The second is all those friends and family and just people i wanted to spend time with an didn't.
But the one thing I won't regret;
Is falling in love.
I am 16. Have I ever been in love? Most people would say probably not. But who cares what most people say. All I know is what I feel. And when I like someone, it feels like love to me. And yes, I know love is more than just a feeling. I know it's an action. And I also know that Hollywood has made it out to just be a feeling. An emotion.
"This is my favorite song for you. It makes me smile and it makes me dream.
I wish you'd listen to it and think of me..."
"We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
But I don't want to
if you don't want to
I've got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I dont regret..."
How about a life we don't regret. Cuz yea, at the time, you don't regret those nights. No on ever does. But eventually... All I'm asking for is a life with no regrets...
Ok, get real. I know.
I feel like I need to take a chance. To let the opportunity present itself.
To let love in. Quit shutting myself off and...
Let someone love me.
Because, ultimately, that's what I want.
So why do I make it so that can never happen?
"You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded.."
There is always a reason. A reason for shutting people out. I think for me it's because I'm afraid you'll shut me out. So I beat you to it... I don't wanna get hurt. I don't want you to choose me and then figure out I'm not all you thought... And leave me. And break me. I don't want you to break me, so I don't let you near me.
Insecurity. Fear. Me.
"I was a flight risk with a fear of falling..."
Who hasn't been afraid. To fall. In love. But I bet it will be incredible. Something we will never know if we let fear control how we live our lives. Remember, you only get one life. Why not fill it with as much love as we can?
"Wonderin' why we bother with love if it never last.."
But that's just it!! It will. When it is right. If you take care of the relationship and the other person. If you let God write your love story.
You CAN have that fairytale.
I just wrote a song, called Fairytale Lies. But it's not what I believe! Not at all! But it's something we can believe. Kind of a trap we may fall into from time to time.
It's about someone letting you down. And that messes you up because they were the reason you believed in love like that. They were your picture of a fairytale. And it's about how when they leave you start to believe it was all a lie.
But I know it's not. It can't be. God has shown me real love, and ultimately, that's my real goal.
To love like Him. And to be loved, the way He loves me :)
But the one thing I won't regret;
Is falling in love.
I am 16. Have I ever been in love? Most people would say probably not. But who cares what most people say. All I know is what I feel. And when I like someone, it feels like love to me. And yes, I know love is more than just a feeling. I know it's an action. And I also know that Hollywood has made it out to just be a feeling. An emotion.
"This is my favorite song for you. It makes me smile and it makes me dream.
I wish you'd listen to it and think of me..."
"We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
But I don't want to
if you don't want to
I've got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I dont regret..."
How about a life we don't regret. Cuz yea, at the time, you don't regret those nights. No on ever does. But eventually... All I'm asking for is a life with no regrets...
Ok, get real. I know.
I feel like I need to take a chance. To let the opportunity present itself.
To let love in. Quit shutting myself off and...
Let someone love me.
Because, ultimately, that's what I want.
So why do I make it so that can never happen?
"You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded.."
There is always a reason. A reason for shutting people out. I think for me it's because I'm afraid you'll shut me out. So I beat you to it... I don't wanna get hurt. I don't want you to choose me and then figure out I'm not all you thought... And leave me. And break me. I don't want you to break me, so I don't let you near me.
Insecurity. Fear. Me.
"I was a flight risk with a fear of falling..."
Who hasn't been afraid. To fall. In love. But I bet it will be incredible. Something we will never know if we let fear control how we live our lives. Remember, you only get one life. Why not fill it with as much love as we can?
"Wonderin' why we bother with love if it never last.."
But that's just it!! It will. When it is right. If you take care of the relationship and the other person. If you let God write your love story.
You CAN have that fairytale.
I just wrote a song, called Fairytale Lies. But it's not what I believe! Not at all! But it's something we can believe. Kind of a trap we may fall into from time to time.
It's about someone letting you down. And that messes you up because they were the reason you believed in love like that. They were your picture of a fairytale. And it's about how when they leave you start to believe it was all a lie.
But I know it's not. It can't be. God has shown me real love, and ultimately, that's my real goal.
To love like Him. And to be loved, the way He loves me :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I deserve better...still. (part 2)
Ok. So you win. Happy? I give.
I'm leaving. I'm running away... Again. But this time inreally believe I'm running for the right reasons. I've been stuck in this mindset of not running and just sucking it up and getting over it. But sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.
Sometimes someone is doing you no good. A situation is crummy and the places and people you surround youself with are no longer bringing out the best in you.
I'm feeling this now. Many times I've said that I'm giving this up. That I'm done becuase it's hurting more than it's worth. But then something would happen which would make me rethink my decision.
And I would stay.
But no more.
I'm leaving. Now it's not just peoples stupidity, it's personal. When someone starts attacking me, I usually fight back. But... Not this time. For some reason. Maybe because it's just not worth my breath. Maybe because YOU'RE just not worth it. You're not. It's really not that big of a deal. There is only one roadblock here for me. I am all set to leave you and all the drama and pain behind.
But there's some people I DON'T wanna leave behind. I've made friends there. I love being around these people that make me happy.
But I just remind myself that if they are really my friends, we will see each other outside of the work setting. And that's already happened so... Whatever happens... Happens.
And that is a chance I just have to take because I can't remain in the situation I'm in.
I'm not gonna stay in this place because you have ruined it for me and it's not even the same for me anymore.
And I'm not gonna stay and let you be stupid to me. I deserve so much better and no one is ever gonna know that if I just keep putting up with you.
So, goodbye. Goodbye to stupidity and ignorance.
Hello to happiness and life... :)
I'm leaving. I'm running away... Again. But this time inreally believe I'm running for the right reasons. I've been stuck in this mindset of not running and just sucking it up and getting over it. But sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.
Sometimes someone is doing you no good. A situation is crummy and the places and people you surround youself with are no longer bringing out the best in you.
I'm feeling this now. Many times I've said that I'm giving this up. That I'm done becuase it's hurting more than it's worth. But then something would happen which would make me rethink my decision.
And I would stay.
But no more.
I'm leaving. Now it's not just peoples stupidity, it's personal. When someone starts attacking me, I usually fight back. But... Not this time. For some reason. Maybe because it's just not worth my breath. Maybe because YOU'RE just not worth it. You're not. It's really not that big of a deal. There is only one roadblock here for me. I am all set to leave you and all the drama and pain behind.
But there's some people I DON'T wanna leave behind. I've made friends there. I love being around these people that make me happy.
But I just remind myself that if they are really my friends, we will see each other outside of the work setting. And that's already happened so... Whatever happens... Happens.
And that is a chance I just have to take because I can't remain in the situation I'm in.
I'm not gonna stay in this place because you have ruined it for me and it's not even the same for me anymore.
And I'm not gonna stay and let you be stupid to me. I deserve so much better and no one is ever gonna know that if I just keep putting up with you.
So, goodbye. Goodbye to stupidity and ignorance.
Hello to happiness and life... :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
First day of the rest of our lives...
Ok, seriously, enough with the depressing posts. For now at least. There is so much in life we have to be thankful for. So much to be happy about. My summer is coming to an end. I am excited for fall and even for school but at the same time I don't want summer to leave me. I love summer and I feel like ive missed out on most of it. All of the things I used to do and used to love I didn't this year. Either because I didn't have any time or just because my interests had changed. Life. It never stops. It just keeps going. And if you aren't moving with it, it will move on without you.
We are growing up. Becoming adults. When I think about it, and I realize I only have 2 years of high school left. I always thought I would be overjoyed once I reached this point. But the reality (and no, I don't use that word very much!) but the reality is that this fact doesn't make me as happy as I anticipated. It makes me a little sad. This part of my life is almost over. Oh, yea, I know I have a whole 2 years left. And 2 years is a lot of time but when you think about it, ive already lived 16. 2 more doesn't really seem like a lot when you look at it like that.
But don't get me wrong. I love it. I love where I'm at and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to write itself. I'm excited to see what God is gonna do in my life. The paths He is gonna lead my down, the doors He will open... And the ones He will close. I'm excited!
Really, I'm just trying to take more time to appreciate my life. Where I'm at. RIGHT. NOW.
And I love it. <3
We are growing up. Becoming adults. When I think about it, and I realize I only have 2 years of high school left. I always thought I would be overjoyed once I reached this point. But the reality (and no, I don't use that word very much!) but the reality is that this fact doesn't make me as happy as I anticipated. It makes me a little sad. This part of my life is almost over. Oh, yea, I know I have a whole 2 years left. And 2 years is a lot of time but when you think about it, ive already lived 16. 2 more doesn't really seem like a lot when you look at it like that.
But don't get me wrong. I love it. I love where I'm at and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to write itself. I'm excited to see what God is gonna do in my life. The paths He is gonna lead my down, the doors He will open... And the ones He will close. I'm excited!
Really, I'm just trying to take more time to appreciate my life. Where I'm at. RIGHT. NOW.
And I love it. <3
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I deserve better
Can I just say Im fed up? I'm frustrated and I'm just done. And at the same time, I know I have something good going here. And I won't give it up because you are being stupid an petty and childish. But how can I continue doing what I'm doing? How can I like what I'm doing? When you ruin it for me. That's what you're doing. I deserve better than this. Better than the way you're treating me. Better than the words you say about me. Better than your cold, hostile actions towards me. I deserve better than you.
And I wish I could say all of these things to your face. Or at least to your facebook. But that means I'd hafta request to be your friend. Haha. As it! I will never want to be that. And i will never ask. Beg. Plead.
Nope. I'm done. I'm not letting anyone take advatage of me.
Haha. It's funny how tough I sound on paper, isn't it? In reality.. Well I usually AM tough. I'm strong. I don't let people get away with stupid stuff. I have yelled at people for things not nearly as bad as what youre doing. And yet... I can bring myself to yell at you. To confront you. Cuz you have something I don't. Backup. You have people on your side. Although I have no idea why, there's people that seem to like you. Fine, whatever. That's THEIR decision. And unlike you, I won't try to make that decision for anyone else.
But you have backup. In a sense, it's like you have an army behind you. And I am just the lone soldier. Oh, I know I have friends. And I know I have people on my side. The question is, will they be brave enough to stand up? To stand up to you and stand up for me. Past experience has taught me not to count on that. It's taught me that I start a battle and I will be fighting alone. It's taught me not to count on backup. It's taught me I won't have any.
And yes. I know so much better than this. I really do! I know that God is there. I know that He cares and is ALWAYS on my side. Always backing me up. And I love Him so much for that. So much for... Everything He does and is and stands for and... But.. *sigh.
I need someone here. And I'm used to having no one.
So yes. If you were ever reading this (not that I'm thinking you will) I hope you read all of it. I was gonna say I hope you just read the top half, got scared and fled the country. But no, I hope you'd read the whole thing. Cuz I want you to see me breaking. Yep, you read that right. I want you to see how much this is hurting me. I want you to know it.
Most people I think would want to hide it. They'd wanna play tough and pretend to be strong and whole.
But I'm not like most people. And I don't. I want you to know that your snide little comments DONT just roll off my back. With every one you break another little piece of my heart. Although, believe you me, I'd much rather keep my heart away from you. But I'm not like that. And that reminds me of something else I need to blog about. Er, rather, someONE else.
So I'll stop here and just say, no matter what i said, what you think, I AM strong. Because of Him. You can laugh if you want. I'd honestly expect nothing more from you. Anything that's important to me has to be stupid to you.
Alright now look who is getting mean. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm being mean. And I'm sorry you are too.
So I'll leave you with, yes, you ARE breaking me. Does that make you happy?
And yes you are hurting me. But not for long. If history repeats itself, you're in for a treat. It probably wont take me long, either. Like a bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. And you just never know. But one day I'm just gonna explode. And you are gonna hear everything I've needed to say to you. I might not even be mean. I might just be fed up and almost broken beyond repair. There may be tears involved. I don't hafta be mean. We will just hafta see.
One thing I know for sure. I don't deserve this. And I WILL not stand for it. Whether you think i'll be fighting alone or not. Cuz the truth is, I'm never alone. He is ALWAYS there. He has proved faithful time and time again.
Why would this time be any different? <3
And I wish I could say all of these things to your face. Or at least to your facebook. But that means I'd hafta request to be your friend. Haha. As it! I will never want to be that. And i will never ask. Beg. Plead.
Nope. I'm done. I'm not letting anyone take advatage of me.
Haha. It's funny how tough I sound on paper, isn't it? In reality.. Well I usually AM tough. I'm strong. I don't let people get away with stupid stuff. I have yelled at people for things not nearly as bad as what youre doing. And yet... I can bring myself to yell at you. To confront you. Cuz you have something I don't. Backup. You have people on your side. Although I have no idea why, there's people that seem to like you. Fine, whatever. That's THEIR decision. And unlike you, I won't try to make that decision for anyone else.
But you have backup. In a sense, it's like you have an army behind you. And I am just the lone soldier. Oh, I know I have friends. And I know I have people on my side. The question is, will they be brave enough to stand up? To stand up to you and stand up for me. Past experience has taught me not to count on that. It's taught me that I start a battle and I will be fighting alone. It's taught me not to count on backup. It's taught me I won't have any.
And yes. I know so much better than this. I really do! I know that God is there. I know that He cares and is ALWAYS on my side. Always backing me up. And I love Him so much for that. So much for... Everything He does and is and stands for and... But.. *sigh.
I need someone here. And I'm used to having no one.
So yes. If you were ever reading this (not that I'm thinking you will) I hope you read all of it. I was gonna say I hope you just read the top half, got scared and fled the country. But no, I hope you'd read the whole thing. Cuz I want you to see me breaking. Yep, you read that right. I want you to see how much this is hurting me. I want you to know it.
Most people I think would want to hide it. They'd wanna play tough and pretend to be strong and whole.
But I'm not like most people. And I don't. I want you to know that your snide little comments DONT just roll off my back. With every one you break another little piece of my heart. Although, believe you me, I'd much rather keep my heart away from you. But I'm not like that. And that reminds me of something else I need to blog about. Er, rather, someONE else.
So I'll stop here and just say, no matter what i said, what you think, I AM strong. Because of Him. You can laugh if you want. I'd honestly expect nothing more from you. Anything that's important to me has to be stupid to you.
Alright now look who is getting mean. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm being mean. And I'm sorry you are too.
So I'll leave you with, yes, you ARE breaking me. Does that make you happy?
And yes you are hurting me. But not for long. If history repeats itself, you're in for a treat. It probably wont take me long, either. Like a bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. And you just never know. But one day I'm just gonna explode. And you are gonna hear everything I've needed to say to you. I might not even be mean. I might just be fed up and almost broken beyond repair. There may be tears involved. I don't hafta be mean. We will just hafta see.
One thing I know for sure. I don't deserve this. And I WILL not stand for it. Whether you think i'll be fighting alone or not. Cuz the truth is, I'm never alone. He is ALWAYS there. He has proved faithful time and time again.
Why would this time be any different? <3
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Isn't It Funny...?
Ya know. It's funny how someone can come in and just completely change
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
entirely.
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a baby...you hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?
~Love, Always, Forever~
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
entirely.
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a baby...you hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?
~Love, Always, Forever~
Feeling Life
so i was thinking this morning about how i haven't been able to write any songs lately. it just feels like i've sorta run out ideas at the moment. its like there is nothing exciting or dramatic happening in my life right now. and this happens from time to time. i think it sorta happens to everyone. ya know, when it just feels like nothing is going on. i feel like...i dont feel anything. but then it occurred to me. maybe this is the plains. the plains of life. like, in life you encounter mountains and hill that you hafta climb over, like obstacles in your life; and then theres the valleys that you hafta walk through. the sad, hard things in life. the things that hurt you. and then, maybe, just maybe, theres the plains of life. where...nothing is happening. maybe this is our time to relax and recover.
i went to church this past weekend. i participated in church this past weekend. and i havent done that in a loong time. but the pastor was talking about how sometimes in life you just feel like giving up. it just feels like the world is caving in on you and sometimes it just gets too heavy for us and we just wanna say "forget it" and drop it and let it fall on you. and that really hit home with me. oh, i wasnt feeling like taking my life or anything drastic. im not depressed and i really love life. but i was feeling disconnected. i was feeling...
see it was like there was so much stuff i HAD to do everyday that i just couldnt get it all done and still have time to think and feel and...be.
but this stuff had to be done so... i was getting it done. i was doing my chores, helping around the house, going to work (which was the big thing)...i knew something had to change. i knew i had to stop. not stop anything in particular...but just STOP. stop life. many times throughout the past couple weeks i actually found myself wishing life has a "pause" button. just stop. that was what i needed. but i didnt know how to get there. i could feel God, hear God saying "make time for Me". but i just didnt know how.
and then i went to church. and it was almost like a work of God, for all i know it coulda been. because the pastor gave us 5 steps. what to do when we felt like we had had enough when we needed things to change.
you should have seen me. i had my notebook out so fast and i was scribbling notes all throughout service. at some point i think i even stopped listening to the pastor explain it and i just started letting God speak to me and tell me how to apply this to my own life.
but heres the thing. i am not perfect. (like you didnt know that right?) because even with this new found knowledge...im not making that big of an effort.
i feel like i need a church. i need a youth group. i need Christian friends to see on a regular basis. i need a youth group. i need a small group....
i need motivation. i know what i need to do...and i need to JUST DO IT!!! like the Nike slogan. JUST DO IT!
if any one reading this would maybe offer up a prayer for me, id be super grateful. see, thats the one thing ive got down. ive been praying, like for real. talking to God. but....i need to crack open my Bible. maybe i'll do that when im done. like, seriously, 5 minutes of my day!! and i just...dont do it.
ok. im not sure entirely where i am going with this anymore. so enough rambling and i will sign off..
<3
i went to church this past weekend. i participated in church this past weekend. and i havent done that in a loong time. but the pastor was talking about how sometimes in life you just feel like giving up. it just feels like the world is caving in on you and sometimes it just gets too heavy for us and we just wanna say "forget it" and drop it and let it fall on you. and that really hit home with me. oh, i wasnt feeling like taking my life or anything drastic. im not depressed and i really love life. but i was feeling disconnected. i was feeling...
see it was like there was so much stuff i HAD to do everyday that i just couldnt get it all done and still have time to think and feel and...be.
but this stuff had to be done so... i was getting it done. i was doing my chores, helping around the house, going to work (which was the big thing)...i knew something had to change. i knew i had to stop. not stop anything in particular...but just STOP. stop life. many times throughout the past couple weeks i actually found myself wishing life has a "pause" button. just stop. that was what i needed. but i didnt know how to get there. i could feel God, hear God saying "make time for Me". but i just didnt know how.
and then i went to church. and it was almost like a work of God, for all i know it coulda been. because the pastor gave us 5 steps. what to do when we felt like we had had enough when we needed things to change.
you should have seen me. i had my notebook out so fast and i was scribbling notes all throughout service. at some point i think i even stopped listening to the pastor explain it and i just started letting God speak to me and tell me how to apply this to my own life.
but heres the thing. i am not perfect. (like you didnt know that right?) because even with this new found knowledge...im not making that big of an effort.
i feel like i need a church. i need a youth group. i need Christian friends to see on a regular basis. i need a youth group. i need a small group....
i need motivation. i know what i need to do...and i need to JUST DO IT!!! like the Nike slogan. JUST DO IT!
if any one reading this would maybe offer up a prayer for me, id be super grateful. see, thats the one thing ive got down. ive been praying, like for real. talking to God. but....i need to crack open my Bible. maybe i'll do that when im done. like, seriously, 5 minutes of my day!! and i just...dont do it.
ok. im not sure entirely where i am going with this anymore. so enough rambling and i will sign off..
<3
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Let's Be Real For Just A Sec, Then You Can Go On Pretending Everything's OK...
I hate it when it feels like the whole world is caving in on you. And
there's nothing you can do to stop it cuz...its the whole world. It's
so much bigger than you and it's so much deeper and heavier than you
can handle and you watch it fall. And you know it's gonna fall on you.
It's the worst feeling in the world to realize that something awful is
gonna happen just seconds before it does. There's no time to prepare
for it. No time to run away and hide or take cover. Granted, maybe
it's worse if you never see it coming. But this feels pretty awful as
it is.
It feels awful to lose your best friend or someone you love.
It feels awful to walk away from a relationship and leave things
broken, knowing you'll never have a chance to fix them.
It feels awful to be left out.
It feels awful not to fit in...and to know you never will.
It feels awful being on the outside of a perfect situation. watching someone else be loved and knowing you'll never be loved that way. You'll never be treated like they are.
It feels awful to listen to your parents fighting and slamming doors
till two in the morning.
It feels awful to hate. Your friend. Your enemy. Yourself.
And yes, I know that there are way worse problems than mine. Don't
even bother telling me, I know. But I can't feel those other problems.
All I can feel is my own. All I know is how something, a situation,
affects me. I'm not trying to be narcissistic. But all I can do is
feel something for myself.
Right now... It just feels like NOTHING IS EVER GONNA STOP! but I know
that isn't true. And yet...right now I don't believe it. I can't
believe it. Even though my head knows it's true my heart doesn't. And
that's all that matters. I listen to my heart. Whether that's good or
bad I don't know. What I do know is it's what it is and always will
be. I am who i am and that's not gonna change.
And I'm not sorry.
(Song Lyrics Below.)
THE WAY IT IS....
I won't aplogize
For what I feel inside
But when I open my mouth an the words come out
It's then I wonder an begin to doubt
Myself
Was that actual
Factual
Or am I just overreacting
That's what they tell me
Somtimes it's easier to keep your mouth shut than deal with the
consequences
Cuz usually it hurts more in the end
Harder than the silence woulda been
Some people might say that's wrong
But in my world it's been a survival tactic for so long
An that's not gonna change
It's just the way it is
...just the way it is
I know I am strong and I don't question that
But when it's all goin wrong an the only way to fix it is to take it
back
That's when I know I'm outta luck
I see the shots comin at me with no time to duck
-chorus-
Survival
Or denial
In all this pain
What do I really gain
Am I really helping myself
Or am I just giving my ammo to someone else
Saying "fight away"
Then I hide away
I've gotta face this
If I wanna change this
Like I say..... I do....
But sometimes it's easier to
-chorus-
~Love, Always, Forever~
there's nothing you can do to stop it cuz...its the whole world. It's
so much bigger than you and it's so much deeper and heavier than you
can handle and you watch it fall. And you know it's gonna fall on you.
It's the worst feeling in the world to realize that something awful is
gonna happen just seconds before it does. There's no time to prepare
for it. No time to run away and hide or take cover. Granted, maybe
it's worse if you never see it coming. But this feels pretty awful as
it is.
It feels awful to lose your best friend or someone you love.
It feels awful to walk away from a relationship and leave things
broken, knowing you'll never have a chance to fix them.
It feels awful to be left out.
It feels awful not to fit in...and to know you never will.
It feels awful being on the outside of a perfect situation. watching someone else be loved and knowing you'll never be loved that way. You'll never be treated like they are.
It feels awful to listen to your parents fighting and slamming doors
till two in the morning.
It feels awful to hate. Your friend. Your enemy. Yourself.
And yes, I know that there are way worse problems than mine. Don't
even bother telling me, I know. But I can't feel those other problems.
All I can feel is my own. All I know is how something, a situation,
affects me. I'm not trying to be narcissistic. But all I can do is
feel something for myself.
Right now... It just feels like NOTHING IS EVER GONNA STOP! but I know
that isn't true. And yet...right now I don't believe it. I can't
believe it. Even though my head knows it's true my heart doesn't. And
that's all that matters. I listen to my heart. Whether that's good or
bad I don't know. What I do know is it's what it is and always will
be. I am who i am and that's not gonna change.
And I'm not sorry.
(Song Lyrics Below.)
THE WAY IT IS....
I won't aplogize
For what I feel inside
But when I open my mouth an the words come out
It's then I wonder an begin to doubt
Myself
Was that actual
Factual
Or am I just overreacting
That's what they tell me
Somtimes it's easier to keep your mouth shut than deal with the
consequences
Cuz usually it hurts more in the end
Harder than the silence woulda been
Some people might say that's wrong
But in my world it's been a survival tactic for so long
An that's not gonna change
It's just the way it is
...just the way it is
I know I am strong and I don't question that
But when it's all goin wrong an the only way to fix it is to take it
back
That's when I know I'm outta luck
I see the shots comin at me with no time to duck
-chorus-
Survival
Or denial
In all this pain
What do I really gain
Am I really helping myself
Or am I just giving my ammo to someone else
Saying "fight away"
Then I hide away
I've gotta face this
If I wanna change this
Like I say..... I do....
But sometimes it's easier to
-chorus-
~Love, Always, Forever~
Friday, July 16, 2010
Let's Just Say I Took A Wrong Turn...
why do we always pretend? why are we always putting on false pretenses? Faking?
LYING... why do we always feel like we have to be something we arent? what is so wrong with who we are? and everything we arent? why doesnt anyone love themselves anymore? we are so insecure. so easily swayed and altered. i mean, i know what i know. (which is not much but ;) )
i know that i am strong and beautiful and independent and that i love Jesus and that my life should be about pleasing and loving Him... but the world changes us. it changes our viewpoint.
its making me feel things, that, in my heart, i know arent true. but im not real big on denying feelings so... i buy into it. i tell myself that if its what i feel...then its something i need to act on. its not even something i decide consciously anymore. its what ive been doing for... so long. its the way i live my life. just like my "all or nothing" personality, i think they are both here to stay. and im ok with that, i mean, its who i am. i am passionate and sometimes considered "depressed" but thats not the truth at all! im actually a very happy person with just a slightly different outlook on life than most people have... i just feel things more than noticing them or looking at them. i feel them. and feeling things has always been something i needed to do alone. i need to process things for myself. dont even bother TELLING me how something is or how it feels. you can tell me what it means to you, thats fine, that great. but dont tell me how IM gonna react to something or how its gonna make me feel.
but im getting off topic.
see, heres the thing. everyone is always running away from themselves. ive found myself doing that. i went out looking for attention. my mom finally called me out on it, sorta. see, i was bending the rules and dressing in things i normally wouldnt, (i.e. shorter shorts, tank tops, etc) because it was getting me attention. nothing major, but for the first rel time in my life i saw them looking. and while that made me feel awful that i was making these guys sin, i justified it like this. (although i really didnt think about it too much. idk why. these kinds of things usually eat me inside...but this time i think i liked the attention so much that it shut my mind up.)
anyways so i said that "guys arent gonna stop looking. no matter what i wear. yes, they may not look at me, but they will just look at some other girl. so either way they are gonna look. whats the harm on them looking at me?"
wrong? yes. but did it feel good? to, just for once, just for a short time, just as...an experiment... or be looked at. to be liked. to be thought of as hot or beautiful or...whatever they were thinking...
im usually not the one guys notice. not like that anyways. so, yes, for like, once in my life it felt nice to get the occasional "second glance".
But... I am sorry.
I am. i messed up. i was using guys in a sense. how awful. im kind of regretting deciding to post this on here. but im going to. im not perfect and if you though that before, you wont after reading this!!
i just hafta say, after being overshadowed by prettier friends and such over the years, this was a new experience for me. 2nd. i wanna clarify, i wasnt dressing like a slut. or a tramp or anything. i just wasnt dressing like a very "good little Christian girl"... or like any kind of Christian at all. 3rd. i....i wont be that girl anymore. either one. i will find that delicate balance that i know exist somewhere. im not gonna be "trampy" (not that i ever was but... ya know what i mean) but im also done being "uptight Christian girl" cuz what kind of example am i setting in either person?
But i think the only way to do this, to shed both of those skins and find that balance, is to just be me. not worry about what everyone else thinks. not be fake or pretend. just be me. the me that God created, the girl that Jesus died for. ME. and can you imagine if everyone did that?
there goes my imagination again. but a girl can dream, cant she? :)
i love you all and more importantly, i love my God. and i love my family and all my friends. <3>
~Love, Always, Forever~
MoMo <3
Friday, June 18, 2010
Im Awake Now
Hey yall, im back :)
and ive got good news this time! I've "come back to" God. Not like i really walked away. but id just become very desensitized to the ways of this world and i'd really fallen away from having a relationship with Him. i was feeling like something was missing. i was feeling a little empty. And i was wondering what could fill me up. I was looking around the world trying to find what i thought i needed and wondered why it wasnt coming to me. and when it did come...why wasnt i feeling full...or at least better. why was it that all those relationships that i thought would make me feel less lonely actually did the opposite?
Its cuz they werent permanent. God is ALWAYS there. But my friends... arent. No human can be. I feel like being away from a church for so long, i forgot what i knew deep in my heart.
But this past week at church there was an 'Army of One' gathering. Lots of churches came together and we just worshipped for about 2 hours. And if anything is going to speak to me, its music. it was amazing. i could just literally FEEL God's Presence wash over me. I didnt even really wanna go Mini Golfing after that, which, honestly, is the big reason i went that night. (well, that and friends...) But God used that opportunity and...Pulled me to Him. He knew i needed it. I became sorta vulnerable there. I was open. And Jesus just jumped in. i dont know exactly how to explain it. i know it was real. it still is. I am making a more conscious (sp?) effort to have a relationship with Jesus. I dont WANT it to just be my 'religion'. i want it to be the relationship i say it is. And now im really getting back to that!! :) Praise God, right? He always knows exactly what we need and how to get it to us!! :)
So, i just wanted to tell all my blogging friends about this amazing experience...revitalization :D
LOVE Y'ALL, AND MY AMAZING LORD!
momo <3
and ive got good news this time! I've "come back to" God. Not like i really walked away. but id just become very desensitized to the ways of this world and i'd really fallen away from having a relationship with Him. i was feeling like something was missing. i was feeling a little empty. And i was wondering what could fill me up. I was looking around the world trying to find what i thought i needed and wondered why it wasnt coming to me. and when it did come...why wasnt i feeling full...or at least better. why was it that all those relationships that i thought would make me feel less lonely actually did the opposite?
Its cuz they werent permanent. God is ALWAYS there. But my friends... arent. No human can be. I feel like being away from a church for so long, i forgot what i knew deep in my heart.
But this past week at church there was an 'Army of One' gathering. Lots of churches came together and we just worshipped for about 2 hours. And if anything is going to speak to me, its music. it was amazing. i could just literally FEEL God's Presence wash over me. I didnt even really wanna go Mini Golfing after that, which, honestly, is the big reason i went that night. (well, that and friends...) But God used that opportunity and...Pulled me to Him. He knew i needed it. I became sorta vulnerable there. I was open. And Jesus just jumped in. i dont know exactly how to explain it. i know it was real. it still is. I am making a more conscious (sp?) effort to have a relationship with Jesus. I dont WANT it to just be my 'religion'. i want it to be the relationship i say it is. And now im really getting back to that!! :) Praise God, right? He always knows exactly what we need and how to get it to us!! :)
So, i just wanted to tell all my blogging friends about this amazing experience...revitalization :D
LOVE Y'ALL, AND MY AMAZING LORD!
momo <3
Monday, June 7, 2010
MY PICTURE OF A PROPER YOUTH GROUP
okay, heres the thing. ive been to quite a few different youth groups, but none of them quite fit the bill. im so sick of watching the leaders be more interested in giving us soda and getting us involved in a good game of dodgeball than sitting us down and really digging in deep about spiritual topics. dont they see thats what we need??? dont they understand that we can get what they are offering us anywhere??? some of us come to youth group to be fed. spiritually. and some of us come to youth group because its become a place to gather with your friends and get free pizza. for a long time i justified it by saying "well, at least they are meeting in a church, not on the streets". but really whats the difference?!?!?! its not like theres any teaching that goes with that pizza. its just become a hang out. we can go to teen night at the YMCA for that except...wait! that costs money! so see, the church has really just become a free meeting place. and im sorry if im offending anyone, but i am just absolutely disgusted. i think to some degree, my parents think i just dont wanna go to youth group. at one point that may have been true. but the ONLY reason i wont go now, is because of what it is. or rather, everything it isnt. so, instead of just complaining about the problem, im offering a solution. i have an idea. a baby plan. how im gonna put it in action i have no idea. im still not 100% sure that God is telling me to put my energy into this. and as ive said before, i dont see how i can "mentor" high school kids when I AM ONE!!! but here is what i do know: if this is what God wants me to do, He'll show me how. He'll map out my course, leave footprints for me to follow and be there by my side holding my hand to help me along. and as a good friend pointed out: "let no one despise you because of your youth..." (1 Timothy 4:12)
so i am going to go ahead now and tell you my depiction of what a youth group should (and hopefully someday will) look like. oh, and one other thing: there may be youth groups like this around. if there are any, please, let me know. these arent necessarily MY ideas. Just what i want to see. and as of late, what i want to put in action...
Weekly "Mentoring" Sessions: a strong Christian leader will meet with students on a need-to-basis. or weekly. the leader and the student will meet maybe at, say, Starbucks. just to talk, to catch up on their weeks. the idea is for the leader and the student to be friends. to be there for each other (obviously the leader is probably there for the student more than the other way around! but you never know!) if you really wanna know what i am talking about, read the melody carlson "Diary of a teenage girl" books. but ill try to just add parts of the books that pertain to what i am talking about later.
Weekly Youth Group Meetings: Incredible worship, a powerful, challenging message, and small groups. sounds like a regular youth group to me. but i am talking, like, seriously. i think a lot of times thats what youth group is SUPPOSED to look like, but the leaders are either not strong enough to keep the kids in line, or they are so afraid of scaring people away by being forceful that they end up sending the kids that really came there looking for something spiritual packing. and, once again, we are searching for a place we can JUST BE FED! really, is that SO much to ask? it sure seems like it! and im sorry, if im offending anyone. really, i am. but this is my opinion. take it...or leave it. but this is something i feel passionate about and im done just keeping my mouth shut for fear of hurting someones feelings. because shutting up doesnt get the world changed. it doesnt get homeless people homes and it doesnt get hungry kids fed... In ANY sense. Physical, spiritual, or otherwise.
Oh, i guess ive gotten away from my plan. well, back to it we go! :)
Now, this is actually a two-fold idea.
theres 2 Bi-Weekly plans that fit together.
so, one week theres plan one
next week theres plan two.
the following week theres plan one again,
so on and so forth.
now, to tell you what plans one and two are!
plan one: An in home small group for students that want to dig deeper into God's Word, each other lives and our own. To build relationships and be there for each other.
Plan two, "missions" trips. we just spend a night, every other week, going out as a group, a team, and showing others God's Love. As my family and i were discussing last night, its great, wonderful, to be fed in a church. but all that doesnt mean anything, or at least not as much as it could, if we arent being fed, and then going out into the world and feeding other people. only then are we living like Jesus. at least in this aspect. i dont know the particulars. but i mean even something as simple as... going to the gas station and washing peoples car windows while they pump their gas. or we could go out for ice cream and give the cashier money for the next peoples order. whether they look like they "need" it or not. thats not the point and thats really not up to us to decide, is it?
and what about a summer camp...? ok. im getting carried away. but i dont view that as a bad thing. not. at. all... :) i am so excited about this new idea God has planted inside of me! :)
so i am going to go ahead now and tell you my depiction of what a youth group should (and hopefully someday will) look like. oh, and one other thing: there may be youth groups like this around. if there are any, please, let me know. these arent necessarily MY ideas. Just what i want to see. and as of late, what i want to put in action...
Weekly "Mentoring" Sessions: a strong Christian leader will meet with students on a need-to-basis. or weekly. the leader and the student will meet maybe at, say, Starbucks. just to talk, to catch up on their weeks. the idea is for the leader and the student to be friends. to be there for each other (obviously the leader is probably there for the student more than the other way around! but you never know!) if you really wanna know what i am talking about, read the melody carlson "Diary of a teenage girl" books. but ill try to just add parts of the books that pertain to what i am talking about later.
Weekly Youth Group Meetings: Incredible worship, a powerful, challenging message, and small groups. sounds like a regular youth group to me. but i am talking, like, seriously. i think a lot of times thats what youth group is SUPPOSED to look like, but the leaders are either not strong enough to keep the kids in line, or they are so afraid of scaring people away by being forceful that they end up sending the kids that really came there looking for something spiritual packing. and, once again, we are searching for a place we can JUST BE FED! really, is that SO much to ask? it sure seems like it! and im sorry, if im offending anyone. really, i am. but this is my opinion. take it...or leave it. but this is something i feel passionate about and im done just keeping my mouth shut for fear of hurting someones feelings. because shutting up doesnt get the world changed. it doesnt get homeless people homes and it doesnt get hungry kids fed... In ANY sense. Physical, spiritual, or otherwise.
Oh, i guess ive gotten away from my plan. well, back to it we go! :)
Now, this is actually a two-fold idea.
theres 2 Bi-Weekly plans that fit together.
so, one week theres plan one
next week theres plan two.
the following week theres plan one again,
so on and so forth.
now, to tell you what plans one and two are!
plan one: An in home small group for students that want to dig deeper into God's Word, each other lives and our own. To build relationships and be there for each other.
Plan two, "missions" trips. we just spend a night, every other week, going out as a group, a team, and showing others God's Love. As my family and i were discussing last night, its great, wonderful, to be fed in a church. but all that doesnt mean anything, or at least not as much as it could, if we arent being fed, and then going out into the world and feeding other people. only then are we living like Jesus. at least in this aspect. i dont know the particulars. but i mean even something as simple as... going to the gas station and washing peoples car windows while they pump their gas. or we could go out for ice cream and give the cashier money for the next peoples order. whether they look like they "need" it or not. thats not the point and thats really not up to us to decide, is it?
and what about a summer camp...? ok. im getting carried away. but i dont view that as a bad thing. not. at. all... :) i am so excited about this new idea God has planted inside of me! :)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Church thoughts....
hey yall :) its morgan. ive been thinking and im not really sure what i wanna talk to you guys about first, but... i guess first id hafta say that im sorry i havent been keeping up on this very well. But i promise that i am going to be doing a better job. Ok, now, off to blogging!!
Ive been thinking about church today. My family has been searching for a church for about 2 years now. We go from one church to another just trying to find one that suits our needs. That will fill us spiritually and lead us closer to God. I havent been that big on church ever. First because i was really just too young. And then as i got older we were leaving our home church because we were leaving our home and moving away. And what i just learned (although i think i knew parts of this) is that our "home church" just pretty much turned their backs on us once we decided we were leaving. And that was pretty crummy of them especially because we had been soooo involved in that church. We had been serving for years, we were there about every other day of the week being involved in many different ministries and whatnot. We filled the needs. And then when we had a need, they left us hanging dry.
So i guess that put a bad taste in my mouth about church. That, and when we moved, i just wanted to have what we had back home. And we just couldnt find it, we couldnt recreate it. Whenever we tried out a new church, i think i really just kept comparing it to our old church. And thus far, we've never found anything like that church. But we went back once and i realized it wasnt as great as i was remembering it to be. But that really wasnt even the point. I just liked that because we were so involved, we knew everybody. And knowing people and being known is an incredible feeling. Everyone loves it...
Oh, i guess one other thing i should mention so im throwing this in here. i am viewed as the "good Christian girl". the "by the book" kind of person. the funny thing is, i hate rules and i havent gone to church or even liked church much, in quite a while. And although i like the idea of church now, i cant find one that is anything like im even thinking a church should be! Go figure! anyways, its storming so im gonna sign off and so watch it (although technically, since i added this in here after i typed the whole post, theres still more for you to read even though im signing off!)
So now we are still trying to find a church. But ive really given up the notion of trying to find a church that compares to our old house. But i'll be honest. I have replaced this idea with a new one.
I want to start a church...moreover a youth group. More than i even care about having a good church to attend regularly, i care about a youth group. Because if there is one age group of people i feel God has really put on my heart, its kids my age. Things are so different for teenagers in this generation than they were for like even our parents when they were teens. The world is just a different place now.
So what I'm thinking is this very informal setting, where high school kids can get together. But here's the catch. 2 of them really. First: i really don't like most high school kids. I think they can be very shallow and immature. Second: I AM A HIGH SCHOOL KID!!!!!! yea, i know. What i really wanna do is help kids just like me. and kids that have had harder lives than me...
IDK. actually, i do. I wanna meet with them and talk and get coffee and just be a part of their lives. This is both a new desire and an old one. Its new to me how much passion i am suddenly feeling about this. But i have also been thinking about this and rolling it over in my mind for a while. i realize to some degree i need to be a little older to do this. i need to be maybe 20 or so. still young enough to be relateable but old enough to be like, not one of them.... or maybe there is something i can do now. maybe there is something i can do to relate to these kids, these teens, that are just like me.
i think ill pray about it. i mean, if this is God leading me, then i definitely wanna listen and follow. and if not, i dont wanna jump on the bandwagon or whatever too early, as is my habit.
im gonna sign off now, as this is getting long and ive been here awhile! :)
thanks for listening...er rather, reading :)
momo :P
Ive been thinking about church today. My family has been searching for a church for about 2 years now. We go from one church to another just trying to find one that suits our needs. That will fill us spiritually and lead us closer to God. I havent been that big on church ever. First because i was really just too young. And then as i got older we were leaving our home church because we were leaving our home and moving away. And what i just learned (although i think i knew parts of this) is that our "home church" just pretty much turned their backs on us once we decided we were leaving. And that was pretty crummy of them especially because we had been soooo involved in that church. We had been serving for years, we were there about every other day of the week being involved in many different ministries and whatnot. We filled the needs. And then when we had a need, they left us hanging dry.
So i guess that put a bad taste in my mouth about church. That, and when we moved, i just wanted to have what we had back home. And we just couldnt find it, we couldnt recreate it. Whenever we tried out a new church, i think i really just kept comparing it to our old church. And thus far, we've never found anything like that church. But we went back once and i realized it wasnt as great as i was remembering it to be. But that really wasnt even the point. I just liked that because we were so involved, we knew everybody. And knowing people and being known is an incredible feeling. Everyone loves it...
Oh, i guess one other thing i should mention so im throwing this in here. i am viewed as the "good Christian girl". the "by the book" kind of person. the funny thing is, i hate rules and i havent gone to church or even liked church much, in quite a while. And although i like the idea of church now, i cant find one that is anything like im even thinking a church should be! Go figure! anyways, its storming so im gonna sign off and so watch it (although technically, since i added this in here after i typed the whole post, theres still more for you to read even though im signing off!)
So now we are still trying to find a church. But ive really given up the notion of trying to find a church that compares to our old house. But i'll be honest. I have replaced this idea with a new one.
I want to start a church...moreover a youth group. More than i even care about having a good church to attend regularly, i care about a youth group. Because if there is one age group of people i feel God has really put on my heart, its kids my age. Things are so different for teenagers in this generation than they were for like even our parents when they were teens. The world is just a different place now.
So what I'm thinking is this very informal setting, where high school kids can get together. But here's the catch. 2 of them really. First: i really don't like most high school kids. I think they can be very shallow and immature. Second: I AM A HIGH SCHOOL KID!!!!!! yea, i know. What i really wanna do is help kids just like me. and kids that have had harder lives than me...
IDK. actually, i do. I wanna meet with them and talk and get coffee and just be a part of their lives. This is both a new desire and an old one. Its new to me how much passion i am suddenly feeling about this. But i have also been thinking about this and rolling it over in my mind for a while. i realize to some degree i need to be a little older to do this. i need to be maybe 20 or so. still young enough to be relateable but old enough to be like, not one of them.... or maybe there is something i can do now. maybe there is something i can do to relate to these kids, these teens, that are just like me.
i think ill pray about it. i mean, if this is God leading me, then i definitely wanna listen and follow. and if not, i dont wanna jump on the bandwagon or whatever too early, as is my habit.
im gonna sign off now, as this is getting long and ive been here awhile! :)
thanks for listening...er rather, reading :)
momo :P
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Challenge week 2
Hi, everyone.
I am back again, I stopped the challenge on Thursday. The clothes and music challenge that is. But not the bible challenge. I have learned a lot this week.
1. That looks don't matter, it's the inside that counts.
2. That the bible is totally relative to my life.
I was reading Genesis 26-50 this week, and i realized that these people faced some of the same challenges we did like death, lying, jealously, etc. It tears people apart. However, If we are facing something tough we keep it to ourselves or go tell our friends. If they were facing something tough they would go to God and their family. I think we always need to go to God 1st. Our friends can't change anything, They are GREAT, they have a shoulder we can cry on. And they can comfort us with words and give us hugs and make us laugh but that feeling is only temporary. But God can help us for good. He will help you move on.
I think the most touching story for me this week was Joesph's. He faced the concequences of his brother's jealousy. But they turned out to be good in the end. If you haven't read that story yet I think you should read it right away. It was very eye-opening to see that people way back when faced some of the same problems we face today. So those of you who are doing the clothing challenge, Music challenge, tv challenge, Bible challenge, one or all (if any) Keep going you can do it and it is very rewarding.
~Hannah~
I am back again, I stopped the challenge on Thursday. The clothes and music challenge that is. But not the bible challenge. I have learned a lot this week.
1. That looks don't matter, it's the inside that counts.
2. That the bible is totally relative to my life.
I was reading Genesis 26-50 this week, and i realized that these people faced some of the same challenges we did like death, lying, jealously, etc. It tears people apart. However, If we are facing something tough we keep it to ourselves or go tell our friends. If they were facing something tough they would go to God and their family. I think we always need to go to God 1st. Our friends can't change anything, They are GREAT, they have a shoulder we can cry on. And they can comfort us with words and give us hugs and make us laugh but that feeling is only temporary. But God can help us for good. He will help you move on.
I think the most touching story for me this week was Joesph's. He faced the concequences of his brother's jealousy. But they turned out to be good in the end. If you haven't read that story yet I think you should read it right away. It was very eye-opening to see that people way back when faced some of the same problems we face today. So those of you who are doing the clothing challenge, Music challenge, tv challenge, Bible challenge, one or all (if any) Keep going you can do it and it is very rewarding.
~Hannah~
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Challenge
Hi, Sorry its been so long since i have posted. We have been really busy lately and I haven't had anything to write about. But the other night my dad challenged me and my sister to read the entire bible in 1 year. He also questioned us about our Music and Tv choices. That really got me thinking about what I do listen to and watch. And what is thrown in my face everyday about Love. And so I made a commitment to not watch Inapporiate tv, not listen to non christian music wear bermuda shorts or jeans and a plain tee everyday(usually there clean) and to post on here once a week and to read the bible according to the plan shown below. So if u want to join me we can encourage each other. But here is the reading plan if you want to join in. My parents got it from The North Point Church but it isn't on their website anymore. You read 1 section a week: (note they are chapters not verses)
Week 1: Genesis 1-25
Week 2: Genesis 26-50
Week 3: Job 1-24
Week 4: Job 25-42 and Exodus 1-10
Week 5: Exodus 11-34
Week 6: Exodus 35-40 and Leviticus 1-15
Week 7: Leviticus 16-27 and Numbers 1-4
Week 8: Numbers 5-21
Week 9: Numbers 22-36 and Psalms 1-17
Week 10: Psalms 18-55
Week 11: Psalms 56-94
Week 12: Psalms 95-150
Notice that I only put through Week 12 I will put more up later but that should be good for now.
Anyway I read Genesis 1-25 this week (Monday starts a new week for me) And it made me Realize this: All these people gave up what they had for the Lord like Abraham was Going to kill his son Issac because the Lord asked him to. And It would mean so much to me to have that much Faith, and I am working on it but I don't know how long that will take. As I was reading that story inparticular Is that I don't know if I would be able to tell if that was God telling me to kill my son or if it was Satan ( assuming I had a son) but God has a much more powerful voice and He is Kinder and More Compassionate and you can tell it in His voice. I highly suggest 3 things:
1. you read and stick to this plan with me.
2. You see the Last song Movie.
3. You watch Alvin and the Chipmunks the squeakquel.
Note:I am doing the Plain tee and Long shorts along with no make-up because I think we all need to get over what other people think and this is my way of doing that, I read it in a book but I don't remember which one. So thanks to whoever had the Idea.I am on day 3,I think and so far I am still a little embarresed to go out in over sized tees and no make-up,but by the end I think it will be smooth sailing. Hope everyone who reads this finds it helpful I will be giving my opinion each week on the Bible reading so please read next weeks I will be anxious to read what happens and I hope you will too!
Hannah
Week 1: Genesis 1-25
Week 2: Genesis 26-50
Week 3: Job 1-24
Week 4: Job 25-42 and Exodus 1-10
Week 5: Exodus 11-34
Week 6: Exodus 35-40 and Leviticus 1-15
Week 7: Leviticus 16-27 and Numbers 1-4
Week 8: Numbers 5-21
Week 9: Numbers 22-36 and Psalms 1-17
Week 10: Psalms 18-55
Week 11: Psalms 56-94
Week 12: Psalms 95-150
Notice that I only put through Week 12 I will put more up later but that should be good for now.
Anyway I read Genesis 1-25 this week (Monday starts a new week for me) And it made me Realize this: All these people gave up what they had for the Lord like Abraham was Going to kill his son Issac because the Lord asked him to. And It would mean so much to me to have that much Faith, and I am working on it but I don't know how long that will take. As I was reading that story inparticular Is that I don't know if I would be able to tell if that was God telling me to kill my son or if it was Satan ( assuming I had a son) but God has a much more powerful voice and He is Kinder and More Compassionate and you can tell it in His voice. I highly suggest 3 things:
1. you read and stick to this plan with me.
2. You see the Last song Movie.
3. You watch Alvin and the Chipmunks the squeakquel.
Note:I am doing the Plain tee and Long shorts along with no make-up because I think we all need to get over what other people think and this is my way of doing that, I read it in a book but I don't remember which one. So thanks to whoever had the Idea.I am on day 3,I think and so far I am still a little embarresed to go out in over sized tees and no make-up,but by the end I think it will be smooth sailing. Hope everyone who reads this finds it helpful I will be giving my opinion each week on the Bible reading so please read next weeks I will be anxious to read what happens and I hope you will too!
Hannah
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