Can I just say Im fed up? I'm frustrated and I'm just done. And at the same time, I know I have something good going here. And I won't give it up because you are being stupid an petty and childish. But how can I continue doing what I'm doing? How can I like what I'm doing? When you ruin it for me. That's what you're doing. I deserve better than this. Better than the way you're treating me. Better than the words you say about me. Better than your cold, hostile actions towards me. I deserve better than you.
And I wish I could say all of these things to your face. Or at least to your facebook. But that means I'd hafta request to be your friend. Haha. As it! I will never want to be that. And i will never ask. Beg. Plead.
Nope. I'm done. I'm not letting anyone take advatage of me.
Haha. It's funny how tough I sound on paper, isn't it? In reality.. Well I usually AM tough. I'm strong. I don't let people get away with stupid stuff. I have yelled at people for things not nearly as bad as what youre doing. And yet... I can bring myself to yell at you. To confront you. Cuz you have something I don't. Backup. You have people on your side. Although I have no idea why, there's people that seem to like you. Fine, whatever. That's THEIR decision. And unlike you, I won't try to make that decision for anyone else.
But you have backup. In a sense, it's like you have an army behind you. And I am just the lone soldier. Oh, I know I have friends. And I know I have people on my side. The question is, will they be brave enough to stand up? To stand up to you and stand up for me. Past experience has taught me not to count on that. It's taught me that I start a battle and I will be fighting alone. It's taught me not to count on backup. It's taught me I won't have any.
And yes. I know so much better than this. I really do! I know that God is there. I know that He cares and is ALWAYS on my side. Always backing me up. And I love Him so much for that. So much for... Everything He does and is and stands for and... But.. *sigh.
I need someone here. And I'm used to having no one.
So yes. If you were ever reading this (not that I'm thinking you will) I hope you read all of it. I was gonna say I hope you just read the top half, got scared and fled the country. But no, I hope you'd read the whole thing. Cuz I want you to see me breaking. Yep, you read that right. I want you to see how much this is hurting me. I want you to know it.
Most people I think would want to hide it. They'd wanna play tough and pretend to be strong and whole.
But I'm not like most people. And I don't. I want you to know that your snide little comments DONT just roll off my back. With every one you break another little piece of my heart. Although, believe you me, I'd much rather keep my heart away from you. But I'm not like that. And that reminds me of something else I need to blog about. Er, rather, someONE else.
So I'll stop here and just say, no matter what i said, what you think, I AM strong. Because of Him. You can laugh if you want. I'd honestly expect nothing more from you. Anything that's important to me has to be stupid to you.
Alright now look who is getting mean. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm being mean. And I'm sorry you are too.
So I'll leave you with, yes, you ARE breaking me. Does that make you happy?
And yes you are hurting me. But not for long. If history repeats itself, you're in for a treat. It probably wont take me long, either. Like a bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. And you just never know. But one day I'm just gonna explode. And you are gonna hear everything I've needed to say to you. I might not even be mean. I might just be fed up and almost broken beyond repair. There may be tears involved. I don't hafta be mean. We will just hafta see.
One thing I know for sure. I don't deserve this. And I WILL not stand for it. Whether you think i'll be fighting alone or not. Cuz the truth is, I'm never alone. He is ALWAYS there. He has proved faithful time and time again.
Why would this time be any different? <3
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Isn't It Funny...?
Ya know. It's funny how someone can come in and just completely change
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
entirely.
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a baby...you hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?
~Love, Always, Forever~
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
entirely.
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a baby...you hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?
~Love, Always, Forever~
Feeling Life
so i was thinking this morning about how i haven't been able to write any songs lately. it just feels like i've sorta run out ideas at the moment. its like there is nothing exciting or dramatic happening in my life right now. and this happens from time to time. i think it sorta happens to everyone. ya know, when it just feels like nothing is going on. i feel like...i dont feel anything. but then it occurred to me. maybe this is the plains. the plains of life. like, in life you encounter mountains and hill that you hafta climb over, like obstacles in your life; and then theres the valleys that you hafta walk through. the sad, hard things in life. the things that hurt you. and then, maybe, just maybe, theres the plains of life. where...nothing is happening. maybe this is our time to relax and recover.
i went to church this past weekend. i participated in church this past weekend. and i havent done that in a loong time. but the pastor was talking about how sometimes in life you just feel like giving up. it just feels like the world is caving in on you and sometimes it just gets too heavy for us and we just wanna say "forget it" and drop it and let it fall on you. and that really hit home with me. oh, i wasnt feeling like taking my life or anything drastic. im not depressed and i really love life. but i was feeling disconnected. i was feeling...
see it was like there was so much stuff i HAD to do everyday that i just couldnt get it all done and still have time to think and feel and...be.
but this stuff had to be done so... i was getting it done. i was doing my chores, helping around the house, going to work (which was the big thing)...i knew something had to change. i knew i had to stop. not stop anything in particular...but just STOP. stop life. many times throughout the past couple weeks i actually found myself wishing life has a "pause" button. just stop. that was what i needed. but i didnt know how to get there. i could feel God, hear God saying "make time for Me". but i just didnt know how.
and then i went to church. and it was almost like a work of God, for all i know it coulda been. because the pastor gave us 5 steps. what to do when we felt like we had had enough when we needed things to change.
you should have seen me. i had my notebook out so fast and i was scribbling notes all throughout service. at some point i think i even stopped listening to the pastor explain it and i just started letting God speak to me and tell me how to apply this to my own life.
but heres the thing. i am not perfect. (like you didnt know that right?) because even with this new found knowledge...im not making that big of an effort.
i feel like i need a church. i need a youth group. i need Christian friends to see on a regular basis. i need a youth group. i need a small group....
i need motivation. i know what i need to do...and i need to JUST DO IT!!! like the Nike slogan. JUST DO IT!
if any one reading this would maybe offer up a prayer for me, id be super grateful. see, thats the one thing ive got down. ive been praying, like for real. talking to God. but....i need to crack open my Bible. maybe i'll do that when im done. like, seriously, 5 minutes of my day!! and i just...dont do it.
ok. im not sure entirely where i am going with this anymore. so enough rambling and i will sign off..
<3
i went to church this past weekend. i participated in church this past weekend. and i havent done that in a loong time. but the pastor was talking about how sometimes in life you just feel like giving up. it just feels like the world is caving in on you and sometimes it just gets too heavy for us and we just wanna say "forget it" and drop it and let it fall on you. and that really hit home with me. oh, i wasnt feeling like taking my life or anything drastic. im not depressed and i really love life. but i was feeling disconnected. i was feeling...
see it was like there was so much stuff i HAD to do everyday that i just couldnt get it all done and still have time to think and feel and...be.
but this stuff had to be done so... i was getting it done. i was doing my chores, helping around the house, going to work (which was the big thing)...i knew something had to change. i knew i had to stop. not stop anything in particular...but just STOP. stop life. many times throughout the past couple weeks i actually found myself wishing life has a "pause" button. just stop. that was what i needed. but i didnt know how to get there. i could feel God, hear God saying "make time for Me". but i just didnt know how.
and then i went to church. and it was almost like a work of God, for all i know it coulda been. because the pastor gave us 5 steps. what to do when we felt like we had had enough when we needed things to change.
you should have seen me. i had my notebook out so fast and i was scribbling notes all throughout service. at some point i think i even stopped listening to the pastor explain it and i just started letting God speak to me and tell me how to apply this to my own life.
but heres the thing. i am not perfect. (like you didnt know that right?) because even with this new found knowledge...im not making that big of an effort.
i feel like i need a church. i need a youth group. i need Christian friends to see on a regular basis. i need a youth group. i need a small group....
i need motivation. i know what i need to do...and i need to JUST DO IT!!! like the Nike slogan. JUST DO IT!
if any one reading this would maybe offer up a prayer for me, id be super grateful. see, thats the one thing ive got down. ive been praying, like for real. talking to God. but....i need to crack open my Bible. maybe i'll do that when im done. like, seriously, 5 minutes of my day!! and i just...dont do it.
ok. im not sure entirely where i am going with this anymore. so enough rambling and i will sign off..
<3
Friday, June 18, 2010
Im Awake Now
Hey yall, im back :)
and ive got good news this time! I've "come back to" God. Not like i really walked away. but id just become very desensitized to the ways of this world and i'd really fallen away from having a relationship with Him. i was feeling like something was missing. i was feeling a little empty. And i was wondering what could fill me up. I was looking around the world trying to find what i thought i needed and wondered why it wasnt coming to me. and when it did come...why wasnt i feeling full...or at least better. why was it that all those relationships that i thought would make me feel less lonely actually did the opposite?
Its cuz they werent permanent. God is ALWAYS there. But my friends... arent. No human can be. I feel like being away from a church for so long, i forgot what i knew deep in my heart.
But this past week at church there was an 'Army of One' gathering. Lots of churches came together and we just worshipped for about 2 hours. And if anything is going to speak to me, its music. it was amazing. i could just literally FEEL God's Presence wash over me. I didnt even really wanna go Mini Golfing after that, which, honestly, is the big reason i went that night. (well, that and friends...) But God used that opportunity and...Pulled me to Him. He knew i needed it. I became sorta vulnerable there. I was open. And Jesus just jumped in. i dont know exactly how to explain it. i know it was real. it still is. I am making a more conscious (sp?) effort to have a relationship with Jesus. I dont WANT it to just be my 'religion'. i want it to be the relationship i say it is. And now im really getting back to that!! :) Praise God, right? He always knows exactly what we need and how to get it to us!! :)
So, i just wanted to tell all my blogging friends about this amazing experience...revitalization :D
LOVE Y'ALL, AND MY AMAZING LORD!
momo <3
and ive got good news this time! I've "come back to" God. Not like i really walked away. but id just become very desensitized to the ways of this world and i'd really fallen away from having a relationship with Him. i was feeling like something was missing. i was feeling a little empty. And i was wondering what could fill me up. I was looking around the world trying to find what i thought i needed and wondered why it wasnt coming to me. and when it did come...why wasnt i feeling full...or at least better. why was it that all those relationships that i thought would make me feel less lonely actually did the opposite?
Its cuz they werent permanent. God is ALWAYS there. But my friends... arent. No human can be. I feel like being away from a church for so long, i forgot what i knew deep in my heart.
But this past week at church there was an 'Army of One' gathering. Lots of churches came together and we just worshipped for about 2 hours. And if anything is going to speak to me, its music. it was amazing. i could just literally FEEL God's Presence wash over me. I didnt even really wanna go Mini Golfing after that, which, honestly, is the big reason i went that night. (well, that and friends...) But God used that opportunity and...Pulled me to Him. He knew i needed it. I became sorta vulnerable there. I was open. And Jesus just jumped in. i dont know exactly how to explain it. i know it was real. it still is. I am making a more conscious (sp?) effort to have a relationship with Jesus. I dont WANT it to just be my 'religion'. i want it to be the relationship i say it is. And now im really getting back to that!! :) Praise God, right? He always knows exactly what we need and how to get it to us!! :)
So, i just wanted to tell all my blogging friends about this amazing experience...revitalization :D
LOVE Y'ALL, AND MY AMAZING LORD!
momo <3
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