i'm holdin on your rope got me ten feet off the ground
and im hearin what ya say but i just cant make a sound
you tell me that you need me and then you go and cut me down but wait
you tell me that you're sorry, didn't think id turn around and say
i'd take another chance take a fall take a shot for you
and i need you like a heart needs a beat but its nothing new
i loved you with a fire red now its turnin blue
and you say you're sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, yea
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late
its just too late, ok? you have been playing your games for so long, i can't believe i didnt see this until now. and the funniest thing is all i thought you were...was everything you wanted me to. you didn't want me to see this side of you. you put on your mask and you think that disguises how ugly you really are on the inside. and for the longest time, i believed that. i fell for it. i trusted you. but now i see your true colors. and i hate it. there is not words enough that i can say to explain how badly you messed things up.
i love the way you tell me you love me and you will miss me. like i ever really meant something to you. because i know i didn't. i know i didn't because if someone means something to you, you treat them with respect. i thoughts as Christians we were allowed to call each other out on things. you act like you are the perfect Christian. but that message you sent me last night, was anything but. the way you spoke to her and the way you allowed him to speak to her, was anything but Christian. and i am not saying this is all your fault. but, contrary to what you believe, or at least what you tell yourself, you did play a part in this. can you even see it? well, i know that you know it. it's funny how quickly someone can become hurtful once they are exposed. you know that i know who you are now, so why continue pretending. you play the victim, like you were the one getting hurt this whole time. when, in reality, although that may be true, but you are the one hurting! and i know you can see that too. i know that you know all of this. even if you won't admit it to yourself, you know it. you might lie to yourself and tell yourself what you need to hear, but the cold, dark reality is that you are just everything you say you aren't. and eventually everyone will catch on, just like i did. you are so see through... "i got your game, its so see through, you know i'm way too good for you...when its time to reminisce, you're gonna realize you miss this, you're in my mind for the last time, and at the most you were a pastime...i'm sick of all of your little lies, so sick of you, i'm sick of the rumors and the alibis, so sick of you, so sick of feeling bad by your side, what you dont know, is how great it feels, to let you go"
i dont actually believe all of that. i wouldn't say that i'm better than you, anyways, but maybe too good for you. anyways, too good for the way you act. but, mostly and for sure, she is too good for you. no doubt about that in my mind. i say that with every ounce of feeling i have because i really honestly believe that. you can think whatever you want. i so seriously wanted to gag when i read that message you sent. there was a loop hole in EVERY WORD YOU SAID!! and i know that is why you did it all the way you did. just the way he said what he needed to and hung up, you sent the message and blocked me. you know that there was a million and one loop holes, or whatever you wanna call them, in your message. you knew that i am smart enough to see them. and you didn't wanna hear what i would have to say.
funny how you apparently love me and will miss me. funny how none of this is your fault. if all that is true, you shouldn't have anything to be afraid of as far as my message back to you would've been. but i know that you are just saying those things. you know it too. i am not sad to see you go. you are right. when you wrote that you were wrong. i was gonna miss you. but after its all said and done...i wont miss you. i wont even miss what i thought you were, because its tainted. that memory and image is tainted. i can't believe the way you have treated her for so long and i never even knew. but its a good thing for you that you blocked me, because if you hadn't, you would've heard from me because now i know the truth. and trust me, everyone hears from me when they mess with someone close to me.
you're the only exception. and that is only cuz i have no way to contact you.
i prayed last night about this. maybe this is not the attitude Jesus would want me to have. but then i think about the way He spoke to people..i know i need to forgive. and in a sense i guess i already have. but at the same time, know that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. i won't keep playing your game and i won't allow you to be in my life at all. Is that Jesus like behavior? you would say no. but we don't serve the same Jesus. if its not the right attitude, i trust that He will show me. but for now, this is all i can do.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
"I think i've wished on every star..."
"what do i really need love for
it leaves me heartbroken
leaves words unspoken
things i dont say
things i wont say
cuz i cant
you'd run away
and i cant...let that happen
oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,
i won't shift the blame
i know what part i played
and i also know that i'm done
get away from this game
as fast as i can run
it's not the same
its never the same
oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,
take a deep breath, breathe in the cool air
i didnt expect, to see you there
what are you doing
since when do you care
never stick around
broken unresolved
arguments and runnin away
left me with pieces of a heart to explain"
is anyone ever really your friend?? how can you tell?? i am so sick of being alone. so sick of thinking people are your friends. only to find out they're not. i am not blaming anyone or looking for sympathy, none of that. but... why does this keep happening? why do i get my hopes up time and time and time....and time again...only to have them be shot to the ground when the seemingly inevitable happens...? i want a friend whose shoulder i can cry on...and who i can laugh with. have a good time and make memories with. i want my facebook to be full of pictures of me and MY friends havin fun together...i wanna have friends to have fun with.
i want to have a friend to have sleepovers with and drink soda and stay up till 3 am and laugh hysterically over something that could only be funny to us.
and i wanna say that i know better than this. i wanna say that i don't need this...but i do. and like i said, i am not looking for sympathy from anyone that reads this. i'm not...i dont even know why i am posting this but, then, why do i ever post things on here?
i know that this is not a happy post. but it's a heartfelt one. it means something. and yea, i'll probably get over it. i usually do...i dont know what else to say...just know i'm really not asking anything of anyone, ok? thats why im hesitant to post this on here, because i dont want to appear manipulative, but if i am treating this blog sort of as my journal, as i subconsciously have been, then i shall post this...ok enough rambling... <3
it leaves me heartbroken
leaves words unspoken
things i dont say
things i wont say
cuz i cant
you'd run away
and i cant...let that happen
oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,
i won't shift the blame
i know what part i played
and i also know that i'm done
get away from this game
as fast as i can run
it's not the same
its never the same
oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,
take a deep breath, breathe in the cool air
i didnt expect, to see you there
what are you doing
since when do you care
never stick around
broken unresolved
arguments and runnin away
left me with pieces of a heart to explain"
is anyone ever really your friend?? how can you tell?? i am so sick of being alone. so sick of thinking people are your friends. only to find out they're not. i am not blaming anyone or looking for sympathy, none of that. but... why does this keep happening? why do i get my hopes up time and time and time....and time again...only to have them be shot to the ground when the seemingly inevitable happens...? i want a friend whose shoulder i can cry on...and who i can laugh with. have a good time and make memories with. i want my facebook to be full of pictures of me and MY friends havin fun together...i wanna have friends to have fun with.
i want to have a friend to have sleepovers with and drink soda and stay up till 3 am and laugh hysterically over something that could only be funny to us.
and i wanna say that i know better than this. i wanna say that i don't need this...but i do. and like i said, i am not looking for sympathy from anyone that reads this. i'm not...i dont even know why i am posting this but, then, why do i ever post things on here?
i know that this is not a happy post. but it's a heartfelt one. it means something. and yea, i'll probably get over it. i usually do...i dont know what else to say...just know i'm really not asking anything of anyone, ok? thats why im hesitant to post this on here, because i dont want to appear manipulative, but if i am treating this blog sort of as my journal, as i subconsciously have been, then i shall post this...ok enough rambling... <3
Ghost of You
"Turn my back, to the door
Feel so much better now
Dont even try, anymore
Nothing left to lose
There's a voice thats in the air,
saying don't look back no where
There's a voice thats always there...
And I'll never be, quite the same, as I was before this
Part of you, still remains, though its out of focus
You're just somewhere that I've been,
And I wont go back again
You're just somewhere that I've been.....
Im breathing in, breathing out
Aint that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...
And I'll, never be, like I was
The day I met you
Too naive, yes I was
Boy, thats why I let you in
Wear your memory like a stain,
Cant erase none of the pain
Here to stay with me forever...
Im breathing in, breathing out
Aint that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...
One of these days I'll wake up from this,
Bad dream im dreaming
One of these days I'll pray that I'll be
Over, over, over you
One of these days I'll realize that,
Im so tired of feeling confused
But for now, theres a reason that you're still here
In my heart...
Im breathing in, breathing out
Ain't that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left for me to doubt
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...
Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left, to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you..."
I don't know why, but this song holds a special place in my heart. i feel like, anyone can write/sing a happy song. a song that says, "everything is perfect in my world, i've never been happier"
but you see someone, really see them and what they are made of and what they feel...when they write or sing a meaningful song. that's definitely what this is. <3 "You're just somewhere that i've been and i won't go back again, you're just somewhere that i've been..." you are my past. you shouldn't be, but you are. actually, you just got caught in my past. i had to leave other things behind and, by default, i ended up leaving you behind. but, like the song says, i can't go back again. you have no idea, but for me to come back to get you...i just can't go in reverse. i can't take back everything that has happened since we were split up...nor do i want to...i mean, i want YOU, but...i don't want everything that comes along.. with going to you... "Turn my back, to the door Feel so much better now Dont even try, anymore Nothing left to lose There's a voice thats in the air, saying dont look back no where There's a voice thats always there.." stop, take one more look back...and move on. this is it. no more living in the past. and i could sever all ties with it...except for one. i just can't do it. and i stand here and cry because i can't go either way right now. i can't move on still living in the past. and the only way i see to do that is to cut off all ties with it completely. not that i don't wanna take what i learned with me, good times, and all that. but i just want to live my future. which i can't do always looking backwards. so it should be simple. cut the ties, and move ON!! .....i can't lose you. i can't let you go because...maybe i should. maybe i should let go and move on. i can't decide. and i can't just cut you out but i can't start walking away from it all either, because, with a piece of my heart still in your hand, i'd just be dragging you, and my whole entire past, along with me. and, when you are dragging your past everywhere, there is no room in your life for anything else. there is no room for anyone to get close when my past is completely surrounding me... And there is no chance for a future. there is just no room for it.... Great, so i just dug all this up...what do i do? is there a way to take you and only you? leave all the past behind so i CAN make a future, but take you? because i just don't know what to do. i am so sick of living in the past because i want to live my future. i can see it, it is so bright. but it is only an illusion for now. because i am not even in the present. i'm still living out the past...all for you... <\3 the only way i could move on would be to just get over you. but i don't really wanna get over you...i like you. i don't want to just get over you and move on. i don't wanna forget you. if i want to move onto the future, my future..."One of these i pray that i'll be over over over you..."
"But for now, there's a reason you're still here in my heart.." maybe my future is YOUR future. maybe you ARE my future...hm... there has gotta be a reason you are still here...
maybe ultimately i need to let go.
i need to let you alone
trust that this will work out
somehow
we will get through this,
are you ready to do this
i need you to be
if you wanna be with me
writing a love story
can be so boring
when its all in my head
i need something real something instead
i'm sick of going this life alone
and i've been waiting on you to show
i've been expecting that you would know
i wanna write this story yes
but i'd rather have it be real than in my head
Feel so much better now
Dont even try, anymore
Nothing left to lose
There's a voice thats in the air,
saying don't look back no where
There's a voice thats always there...
And I'll never be, quite the same, as I was before this
Part of you, still remains, though its out of focus
You're just somewhere that I've been,
And I wont go back again
You're just somewhere that I've been.....
Im breathing in, breathing out
Aint that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...
And I'll, never be, like I was
The day I met you
Too naive, yes I was
Boy, thats why I let you in
Wear your memory like a stain,
Cant erase none of the pain
Here to stay with me forever...
Im breathing in, breathing out
Aint that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...
One of these days I'll wake up from this,
Bad dream im dreaming
One of these days I'll pray that I'll be
Over, over, over you
One of these days I'll realize that,
Im so tired of feeling confused
But for now, theres a reason that you're still here
In my heart...
Im breathing in, breathing out
Ain't that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left for me to doubt
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...
Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left, to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you..."
I don't know why, but this song holds a special place in my heart. i feel like, anyone can write/sing a happy song. a song that says, "everything is perfect in my world, i've never been happier"
but you see someone, really see them and what they are made of and what they feel...when they write or sing a meaningful song. that's definitely what this is. <3 "You're just somewhere that i've been and i won't go back again, you're just somewhere that i've been..." you are my past. you shouldn't be, but you are. actually, you just got caught in my past. i had to leave other things behind and, by default, i ended up leaving you behind. but, like the song says, i can't go back again. you have no idea, but for me to come back to get you...i just can't go in reverse. i can't take back everything that has happened since we were split up...nor do i want to...i mean, i want YOU, but...i don't want everything that comes along.. with going to you... "Turn my back, to the door Feel so much better now Dont even try, anymore Nothing left to lose There's a voice thats in the air, saying dont look back no where There's a voice thats always there.." stop, take one more look back...and move on. this is it. no more living in the past. and i could sever all ties with it...except for one. i just can't do it. and i stand here and cry because i can't go either way right now. i can't move on still living in the past. and the only way i see to do that is to cut off all ties with it completely. not that i don't wanna take what i learned with me, good times, and all that. but i just want to live my future. which i can't do always looking backwards. so it should be simple. cut the ties, and move ON!! .....i can't lose you. i can't let you go because...maybe i should. maybe i should let go and move on. i can't decide. and i can't just cut you out but i can't start walking away from it all either, because, with a piece of my heart still in your hand, i'd just be dragging you, and my whole entire past, along with me. and, when you are dragging your past everywhere, there is no room in your life for anything else. there is no room for anyone to get close when my past is completely surrounding me... And there is no chance for a future. there is just no room for it.... Great, so i just dug all this up...what do i do? is there a way to take you and only you? leave all the past behind so i CAN make a future, but take you? because i just don't know what to do. i am so sick of living in the past because i want to live my future. i can see it, it is so bright. but it is only an illusion for now. because i am not even in the present. i'm still living out the past...all for you... <\3 the only way i could move on would be to just get over you. but i don't really wanna get over you...i like you. i don't want to just get over you and move on. i don't wanna forget you. if i want to move onto the future, my future..."One of these i pray that i'll be over over over you..."
"But for now, there's a reason you're still here in my heart.." maybe my future is YOUR future. maybe you ARE my future...hm... there has gotta be a reason you are still here...
maybe ultimately i need to let go.
i need to let you alone
trust that this will work out
somehow
we will get through this,
are you ready to do this
i need you to be
if you wanna be with me
writing a love story
can be so boring
when its all in my head
i need something real something instead
i'm sick of going this life alone
and i've been waiting on you to show
i've been expecting that you would know
i wanna write this story yes
but i'd rather have it be real than in my head
Thursday, September 23, 2010
"I'm over screaming down a wishing well..."
"if you're leavin don't look back, leave me like you mean it..."
don't mess with me. don't mess with my heart. come on. just be honest with me. really. that's all i want. all i am asking for is for you to be honest and to tell me the truth. even if it hurts. i respect the people in my life that are honest with me more than i respect you at this moment. do you think you are protecting my heart? by leading me on?? either be clear about your intentions and take this somewhere or else leave me alone. i wanna be able to walk away. to say these things and tell you to come find me if you decide to be decent. but i think even if i did leave, it wouldn't be my final decision anyways.
"but i get the feelin that you'll be comin back, just like you did before..." exactly.
but i shouldn't have to make that decision. i shouldn't have to because you shouldn't be messin with my heart in the first place. so, yea, i love you. but i can't...no, i won't put up with this. i don't need this, i don't deserve this and i won't stand for it i won't take it.
Just thought you should know.
don't mess with me. don't mess with my heart. come on. just be honest with me. really. that's all i want. all i am asking for is for you to be honest and to tell me the truth. even if it hurts. i respect the people in my life that are honest with me more than i respect you at this moment. do you think you are protecting my heart? by leading me on?? either be clear about your intentions and take this somewhere or else leave me alone. i wanna be able to walk away. to say these things and tell you to come find me if you decide to be decent. but i think even if i did leave, it wouldn't be my final decision anyways.
"but i get the feelin that you'll be comin back, just like you did before..." exactly.
but i shouldn't have to make that decision. i shouldn't have to because you shouldn't be messin with my heart in the first place. so, yea, i love you. but i can't...no, i won't put up with this. i don't need this, i don't deserve this and i won't stand for it i won't take it.
Just thought you should know.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
smile. camera's flashing, everybody's watching.
we are expected to be so perfect. we wonder why there is so much pressure or where this mindset even came from. really?? um...look through a magazine. even look at the front cover. walk into abercrombie or hollister, where everything in there is a size xxs. and even the things they have in medium and large are still like 3 inches wide. so either those of us that aren't "xxs material" or that don't wanna wear skin tight clothes have to get like 6 sizes larger, which makes you feel fat or...do you see how this works? i went into the aeropostale outlet this weekend. there was some cute stuff in there, but i didnt buy anything. because everything i held up was either too tiny or else i had to keep grabbing sizes bigger. the second part wasn't actually a huge deal, because i am pretty secure with my body, but it was the principle of the thing, so i put down all the clothes i was looking at and bought a $5 necklace and walked out. :)
but i still have a problem with this. will it ever end? or are we stuck with being brainwashed with unattainable "perfection" for the rest of our lives??
but i still have a problem with this. will it ever end? or are we stuck with being brainwashed with unattainable "perfection" for the rest of our lives??
Monday, September 20, 2010
Definition of a girl: mood swings!!
what can i say? i am laying here and i am empty. i am not usually like this, but i have my moments. one thing that helps me through is knowing this isn't forever. that it will pass in time, as it always does. but sometimes i just get caught up. i wanna feel something. but at the same time i feel too much. close your eyes. fall into His Arms. but i am holding on. onto something.
i dont know what to say. i dont know where this is going and i dont know where i wanna take it.
"and when the day is done, do you have the feelin, that you're all alone, givin up on your own dreams" {miranda cosgrove}
Taylor Swift just came on the radio now. "Today was a Fairytale". she can make me so happy. her songs anyways. :) i want to live that song, haha. "Today was a fairytale all that i can say, is now its gettin clearer. nothin made sense till the time i saw your face, today was a fairytale...can you feel this magic in the air, musta been the way you kissed me..."
that gets me in trouble too, because then i feel like i need a guy to make me whole to make me complete and to make me happy. which i know isn't true, oh, i know in my core inner being that it isn't true. i know that only God can truly make those things.
"won't take nothin but a memory, from the house that built me..."
"the moment i could see it, yes yes, i could see it"
my sister is sitting in here skipping around on the country radio :) makes me happy. its like...im happy. i really am. but there is just something trying to drag me down tonight. maybe i just need to make a conscious decision to NOT fall into it. to not let it get the best of me to not let it get any of me.
"You said, "I'll never leave you alone"
I'm holding onto that. Jesus. I am holding onto You. oh, i know that is a line from the newest Taylor Swift song. and i know that Jesus isn't really who Taylor was probably referring to, but that's how i am choosing to take it at this moment. i need to put my faith in Jesus, the True Love of my life :)
weird how i seem to sound all "religious" lately. im not trying to be. but i really dont see it as a bad thing. :) i see it as proof that Jesus is just pulling me closer to Him. and i'm not writing about Him to be all snooty and 'holier than thou'. i am writing about Him to tell myself things i should know but sometimes need to be reminded of. when i write i let my heart tell my fingers what to type. my head and mind arent involved. so when i write something its from my heart and sometimes i need to write out for my head to know it. make sense? haha, if it doesnt thats ok. most of what i say doesnt make sense to other people. im just telling myself what i need to know right now. and what i need to know and remember and hold in the front of my mind is that Jesus is everything. He is everything a guy can be for me, but He is also everything a guy can't. if i hold a guy to the standard of being Jesus for me, i am gonna be hurt over and over and over and over again. no one can do it. if they could we wouldn't need Jesus. and trust me, we all definitely need Jesus :)
"never let your prayin knees get lazy, and love like crazy"
love, always, forever <3
-notice how i started this post kinda depressed and by the end was happy and spiritually refreshed, at least to some degree. haha. well thats a good thing i guess. writing is good for the soul. its good to get all your feelings out sometimes. just like a good "for no reason at all" cry :) love
i dont know what to say. i dont know where this is going and i dont know where i wanna take it.
"and when the day is done, do you have the feelin, that you're all alone, givin up on your own dreams" {miranda cosgrove}
Taylor Swift just came on the radio now. "Today was a Fairytale". she can make me so happy. her songs anyways. :) i want to live that song, haha. "Today was a fairytale all that i can say, is now its gettin clearer. nothin made sense till the time i saw your face, today was a fairytale...can you feel this magic in the air, musta been the way you kissed me..."
that gets me in trouble too, because then i feel like i need a guy to make me whole to make me complete and to make me happy. which i know isn't true, oh, i know in my core inner being that it isn't true. i know that only God can truly make those things.
"won't take nothin but a memory, from the house that built me..."
"the moment i could see it, yes yes, i could see it"
my sister is sitting in here skipping around on the country radio :) makes me happy. its like...im happy. i really am. but there is just something trying to drag me down tonight. maybe i just need to make a conscious decision to NOT fall into it. to not let it get the best of me to not let it get any of me.
"You said, "I'll never leave you alone"
I'm holding onto that. Jesus. I am holding onto You. oh, i know that is a line from the newest Taylor Swift song. and i know that Jesus isn't really who Taylor was probably referring to, but that's how i am choosing to take it at this moment. i need to put my faith in Jesus, the True Love of my life :)
weird how i seem to sound all "religious" lately. im not trying to be. but i really dont see it as a bad thing. :) i see it as proof that Jesus is just pulling me closer to Him. and i'm not writing about Him to be all snooty and 'holier than thou'. i am writing about Him to tell myself things i should know but sometimes need to be reminded of. when i write i let my heart tell my fingers what to type. my head and mind arent involved. so when i write something its from my heart and sometimes i need to write out for my head to know it. make sense? haha, if it doesnt thats ok. most of what i say doesnt make sense to other people. im just telling myself what i need to know right now. and what i need to know and remember and hold in the front of my mind is that Jesus is everything. He is everything a guy can be for me, but He is also everything a guy can't. if i hold a guy to the standard of being Jesus for me, i am gonna be hurt over and over and over and over again. no one can do it. if they could we wouldn't need Jesus. and trust me, we all definitely need Jesus :)
"never let your prayin knees get lazy, and love like crazy"
love, always, forever <3
-notice how i started this post kinda depressed and by the end was happy and spiritually refreshed, at least to some degree. haha. well thats a good thing i guess. writing is good for the soul. its good to get all your feelings out sometimes. just like a good "for no reason at all" cry :) love
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Not Your Average Girl
when i first told my brother about this missions trips and how we'd be building houses, his response was how that wasn't women's work. any maybe its not. but im not your average girl. i am tough. i am sweet. i am rough, but i can be all you need. Jesus made me this way and i'm done denying it. i dont know how i got to be this way but its who i am. now, i ask you, what is so wrong with that? being who i am. The world has a problem with it. the world opposes it. and it opposes you if you do it. but Jesus says He is the shelter for the oppressed. i read that in the Bible. i dont know where, but its in there. and i am running to Him.
Daddy, i'm coming home <3
Daddy, i'm coming home <3
"Forever You Are Faithful, Don't Let Me Be Turned Away From Something Good, Don't Let Me Be Turned Away From You"
Dang! here it is! i have been praying for God to just capture my heart. to pull me back to Him. where i really wanna be. i am so excited and typing so fast now that i am misspelling practically every other word! haha, but thats ok. man, this just really feels like a wake up call. this could be it. this could be what i really need. and more than that, it gives me a chance to really build up my faith while at the same time, really making a difference in someone else's. :D i am soooo excited right now!
"Nashville Needs Rebuilding – Join a team that, under the direction of Samaritan’s Purse,
will be rebuilding up to 20 homes in the Nashville area. Four teams with leaders are in place:
Oct. 10-16, Nov. 7-13, Dec. 5-11 and Jan. 16-22, 2011. Per person cost is $125. Interested?
Contact Pam by email or 414-412-0415 or visit her table on Sept. 19 and Oct 3.
Prepare to be changed forever!"
Ahhhhhhhh!!!! in case you dont know, i am absolutely in love with nashville. when i went there, briefly, with my daddy two years ago, it was just like, everything connected. all the pieces of my life felt like they fell in place. I feel so open, so creative, so....happy there. or anyways, i did. and yes, i still remember these feelings vividly. even two years later. because i have been holding onto these feelings praying and wishing and hoping that someday, one day, i would get there. i would get back to the place that.... <3
what better place for me to connect with God? what better place to make a difference? what better place to...be?
but i dont, in any way, want this to be all about me. i really dont. the purpose of a missions trip is to change someone else's life. but i dont see what would be so wrong with me rebuilding, or rather, restrengthening, my own faith there too :)
again though...there is a roadblock. but isn't there always one? is that just life?
i don't wanna go into this selfishly. i dont WANT to view this as simply a free (ok, $125 isn't exactly free , however, that is beyond the point) but as just a way to get me to Nashville. i dont want this to be something i do only for myself. or even with myself first in my mind, if that makes any sense.
but i also don't want to just reject this idea that God could've very well placed in my life.
Maybe..just maybe...He wants me to go...maybe the enemy is trying to talk me out of this BECAUSE it could be good, not only for me, but for a lot of other people too... hm....so i am praying about this. for sure! :) i really wanna go. and i really want God to want me to go.
but even if that is all decided and i know its what God wants and its what i want and need and all that pretty stuff...convincing my parents may be a different story...<3
"Nashville Needs Rebuilding – Join a team that, under the direction of Samaritan’s Purse,
will be rebuilding up to 20 homes in the Nashville area. Four teams with leaders are in place:
Oct. 10-16, Nov. 7-13, Dec. 5-11 and Jan. 16-22, 2011. Per person cost is $125. Interested?
Contact Pam by email or 414-412-0415 or visit her table on Sept. 19 and Oct 3.
Prepare to be changed forever!"
Ahhhhhhhh!!!! in case you dont know, i am absolutely in love with nashville. when i went there, briefly, with my daddy two years ago, it was just like, everything connected. all the pieces of my life felt like they fell in place. I feel so open, so creative, so....happy there. or anyways, i did. and yes, i still remember these feelings vividly. even two years later. because i have been holding onto these feelings praying and wishing and hoping that someday, one day, i would get there. i would get back to the place that.... <3
what better place for me to connect with God? what better place to make a difference? what better place to...be?
but i dont, in any way, want this to be all about me. i really dont. the purpose of a missions trip is to change someone else's life. but i dont see what would be so wrong with me rebuilding, or rather, restrengthening, my own faith there too :)
again though...there is a roadblock. but isn't there always one? is that just life?
i don't wanna go into this selfishly. i dont WANT to view this as simply a free (ok, $125 isn't exactly free , however, that is beyond the point) but as just a way to get me to Nashville. i dont want this to be something i do only for myself. or even with myself first in my mind, if that makes any sense.
but i also don't want to just reject this idea that God could've very well placed in my life.
Maybe..just maybe...He wants me to go...maybe the enemy is trying to talk me out of this BECAUSE it could be good, not only for me, but for a lot of other people too... hm....so i am praying about this. for sure! :) i really wanna go. and i really want God to want me to go.
but even if that is all decided and i know its what God wants and its what i want and need and all that pretty stuff...convincing my parents may be a different story...<3
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Randomness and such :)
I just changed the template or whatever you wanna call the background stuff of my blog. I clicked on it in the preview and at first glance, it might appear depressing. But on my first glance i thought, 'that's me!'.
So with the first week of school almost under my belt, i can feel fall coming on. Usually that makes me so happy. It really does. It does something in my heart, it sparks something creative in me, and i am just so... happy.
I was rudely (i didn't actually mind too much..) by the rain coming down hard and i had to shut the window. The wind was blowing, the rain was just pouring down, there was even a little thunder off in the distance. Even now there is still a very nice, cool autumn breeze :) im sitting in my room with the window thrown open, sitting here in my dress, just kinda feeling princess like, for no particular reason. I can hear the wind even through my earbuds. It is like, THAT breezy!
I am listening to We The Kings' "Check yes Juliet". I recently discovered i love love love that song :)
"Check yes Juliet, are you with me, rain is falling down on the sidewalk, i won't go until you come outside, check yes Juliet, kill the limbo (I don't actually understand that line...) I'll keep tossin rocks at your window, there's no turnin back for us tonight...
Run baby run, don't ever look back, they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance..."
haha, i've been listening to this song ALL morning. I love it. it makes me think of someone although i don't know why.
If i were really honest for like just a second, this particular person has kinda been all consuming for me lately. (sheepish grin)
i know that is not a good thing. it is one of the things i'm trying to work on with God.
well, honestly, i don't know where this post is going, haha. just my random thoughts.
<3
So with the first week of school almost under my belt, i can feel fall coming on. Usually that makes me so happy. It really does. It does something in my heart, it sparks something creative in me, and i am just so... happy.
I was rudely (i didn't actually mind too much..) by the rain coming down hard and i had to shut the window. The wind was blowing, the rain was just pouring down, there was even a little thunder off in the distance. Even now there is still a very nice, cool autumn breeze :) im sitting in my room with the window thrown open, sitting here in my dress, just kinda feeling princess like, for no particular reason. I can hear the wind even through my earbuds. It is like, THAT breezy!
I am listening to We The Kings' "Check yes Juliet". I recently discovered i love love love that song :)
"Check yes Juliet, are you with me, rain is falling down on the sidewalk, i won't go until you come outside, check yes Juliet, kill the limbo (I don't actually understand that line...) I'll keep tossin rocks at your window, there's no turnin back for us tonight...
Run baby run, don't ever look back, they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance..."
haha, i've been listening to this song ALL morning. I love it. it makes me think of someone although i don't know why.
If i were really honest for like just a second, this particular person has kinda been all consuming for me lately. (sheepish grin)
i know that is not a good thing. it is one of the things i'm trying to work on with God.
well, honestly, i don't know where this post is going, haha. just my random thoughts.
<3
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I believe in love
There's a few things I regret this summer. One is working so much that I completely missed it. The second is all those friends and family and just people i wanted to spend time with an didn't.
But the one thing I won't regret;
Is falling in love.
I am 16. Have I ever been in love? Most people would say probably not. But who cares what most people say. All I know is what I feel. And when I like someone, it feels like love to me. And yes, I know love is more than just a feeling. I know it's an action. And I also know that Hollywood has made it out to just be a feeling. An emotion.
"This is my favorite song for you. It makes me smile and it makes me dream.
I wish you'd listen to it and think of me..."
"We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
But I don't want to
if you don't want to
I've got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I dont regret..."
How about a life we don't regret. Cuz yea, at the time, you don't regret those nights. No on ever does. But eventually... All I'm asking for is a life with no regrets...
Ok, get real. I know.
I feel like I need to take a chance. To let the opportunity present itself.
To let love in. Quit shutting myself off and...
Let someone love me.
Because, ultimately, that's what I want.
So why do I make it so that can never happen?
"You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded.."
There is always a reason. A reason for shutting people out. I think for me it's because I'm afraid you'll shut me out. So I beat you to it... I don't wanna get hurt. I don't want you to choose me and then figure out I'm not all you thought... And leave me. And break me. I don't want you to break me, so I don't let you near me.
Insecurity. Fear. Me.
"I was a flight risk with a fear of falling..."
Who hasn't been afraid. To fall. In love. But I bet it will be incredible. Something we will never know if we let fear control how we live our lives. Remember, you only get one life. Why not fill it with as much love as we can?
"Wonderin' why we bother with love if it never last.."
But that's just it!! It will. When it is right. If you take care of the relationship and the other person. If you let God write your love story.
You CAN have that fairytale.
I just wrote a song, called Fairytale Lies. But it's not what I believe! Not at all! But it's something we can believe. Kind of a trap we may fall into from time to time.
It's about someone letting you down. And that messes you up because they were the reason you believed in love like that. They were your picture of a fairytale. And it's about how when they leave you start to believe it was all a lie.
But I know it's not. It can't be. God has shown me real love, and ultimately, that's my real goal.
To love like Him. And to be loved, the way He loves me :)
But the one thing I won't regret;
Is falling in love.
I am 16. Have I ever been in love? Most people would say probably not. But who cares what most people say. All I know is what I feel. And when I like someone, it feels like love to me. And yes, I know love is more than just a feeling. I know it's an action. And I also know that Hollywood has made it out to just be a feeling. An emotion.
"This is my favorite song for you. It makes me smile and it makes me dream.
I wish you'd listen to it and think of me..."
"We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
But I don't want to
if you don't want to
I've got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I dont regret..."
How about a life we don't regret. Cuz yea, at the time, you don't regret those nights. No on ever does. But eventually... All I'm asking for is a life with no regrets...
Ok, get real. I know.
I feel like I need to take a chance. To let the opportunity present itself.
To let love in. Quit shutting myself off and...
Let someone love me.
Because, ultimately, that's what I want.
So why do I make it so that can never happen?
"You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded.."
There is always a reason. A reason for shutting people out. I think for me it's because I'm afraid you'll shut me out. So I beat you to it... I don't wanna get hurt. I don't want you to choose me and then figure out I'm not all you thought... And leave me. And break me. I don't want you to break me, so I don't let you near me.
Insecurity. Fear. Me.
"I was a flight risk with a fear of falling..."
Who hasn't been afraid. To fall. In love. But I bet it will be incredible. Something we will never know if we let fear control how we live our lives. Remember, you only get one life. Why not fill it with as much love as we can?
"Wonderin' why we bother with love if it never last.."
But that's just it!! It will. When it is right. If you take care of the relationship and the other person. If you let God write your love story.
You CAN have that fairytale.
I just wrote a song, called Fairytale Lies. But it's not what I believe! Not at all! But it's something we can believe. Kind of a trap we may fall into from time to time.
It's about someone letting you down. And that messes you up because they were the reason you believed in love like that. They were your picture of a fairytale. And it's about how when they leave you start to believe it was all a lie.
But I know it's not. It can't be. God has shown me real love, and ultimately, that's my real goal.
To love like Him. And to be loved, the way He loves me :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I deserve better...still. (part 2)
Ok. So you win. Happy? I give.
I'm leaving. I'm running away... Again. But this time inreally believe I'm running for the right reasons. I've been stuck in this mindset of not running and just sucking it up and getting over it. But sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.
Sometimes someone is doing you no good. A situation is crummy and the places and people you surround youself with are no longer bringing out the best in you.
I'm feeling this now. Many times I've said that I'm giving this up. That I'm done becuase it's hurting more than it's worth. But then something would happen which would make me rethink my decision.
And I would stay.
But no more.
I'm leaving. Now it's not just peoples stupidity, it's personal. When someone starts attacking me, I usually fight back. But... Not this time. For some reason. Maybe because it's just not worth my breath. Maybe because YOU'RE just not worth it. You're not. It's really not that big of a deal. There is only one roadblock here for me. I am all set to leave you and all the drama and pain behind.
But there's some people I DON'T wanna leave behind. I've made friends there. I love being around these people that make me happy.
But I just remind myself that if they are really my friends, we will see each other outside of the work setting. And that's already happened so... Whatever happens... Happens.
And that is a chance I just have to take because I can't remain in the situation I'm in.
I'm not gonna stay in this place because you have ruined it for me and it's not even the same for me anymore.
And I'm not gonna stay and let you be stupid to me. I deserve so much better and no one is ever gonna know that if I just keep putting up with you.
So, goodbye. Goodbye to stupidity and ignorance.
Hello to happiness and life... :)
I'm leaving. I'm running away... Again. But this time inreally believe I'm running for the right reasons. I've been stuck in this mindset of not running and just sucking it up and getting over it. But sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.
Sometimes someone is doing you no good. A situation is crummy and the places and people you surround youself with are no longer bringing out the best in you.
I'm feeling this now. Many times I've said that I'm giving this up. That I'm done becuase it's hurting more than it's worth. But then something would happen which would make me rethink my decision.
And I would stay.
But no more.
I'm leaving. Now it's not just peoples stupidity, it's personal. When someone starts attacking me, I usually fight back. But... Not this time. For some reason. Maybe because it's just not worth my breath. Maybe because YOU'RE just not worth it. You're not. It's really not that big of a deal. There is only one roadblock here for me. I am all set to leave you and all the drama and pain behind.
But there's some people I DON'T wanna leave behind. I've made friends there. I love being around these people that make me happy.
But I just remind myself that if they are really my friends, we will see each other outside of the work setting. And that's already happened so... Whatever happens... Happens.
And that is a chance I just have to take because I can't remain in the situation I'm in.
I'm not gonna stay in this place because you have ruined it for me and it's not even the same for me anymore.
And I'm not gonna stay and let you be stupid to me. I deserve so much better and no one is ever gonna know that if I just keep putting up with you.
So, goodbye. Goodbye to stupidity and ignorance.
Hello to happiness and life... :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
First day of the rest of our lives...
Ok, seriously, enough with the depressing posts. For now at least. There is so much in life we have to be thankful for. So much to be happy about. My summer is coming to an end. I am excited for fall and even for school but at the same time I don't want summer to leave me. I love summer and I feel like ive missed out on most of it. All of the things I used to do and used to love I didn't this year. Either because I didn't have any time or just because my interests had changed. Life. It never stops. It just keeps going. And if you aren't moving with it, it will move on without you.
We are growing up. Becoming adults. When I think about it, and I realize I only have 2 years of high school left. I always thought I would be overjoyed once I reached this point. But the reality (and no, I don't use that word very much!) but the reality is that this fact doesn't make me as happy as I anticipated. It makes me a little sad. This part of my life is almost over. Oh, yea, I know I have a whole 2 years left. And 2 years is a lot of time but when you think about it, ive already lived 16. 2 more doesn't really seem like a lot when you look at it like that.
But don't get me wrong. I love it. I love where I'm at and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to write itself. I'm excited to see what God is gonna do in my life. The paths He is gonna lead my down, the doors He will open... And the ones He will close. I'm excited!
Really, I'm just trying to take more time to appreciate my life. Where I'm at. RIGHT. NOW.
And I love it. <3
We are growing up. Becoming adults. When I think about it, and I realize I only have 2 years of high school left. I always thought I would be overjoyed once I reached this point. But the reality (and no, I don't use that word very much!) but the reality is that this fact doesn't make me as happy as I anticipated. It makes me a little sad. This part of my life is almost over. Oh, yea, I know I have a whole 2 years left. And 2 years is a lot of time but when you think about it, ive already lived 16. 2 more doesn't really seem like a lot when you look at it like that.
But don't get me wrong. I love it. I love where I'm at and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to write itself. I'm excited to see what God is gonna do in my life. The paths He is gonna lead my down, the doors He will open... And the ones He will close. I'm excited!
Really, I'm just trying to take more time to appreciate my life. Where I'm at. RIGHT. NOW.
And I love it. <3
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I deserve better
Can I just say Im fed up? I'm frustrated and I'm just done. And at the same time, I know I have something good going here. And I won't give it up because you are being stupid an petty and childish. But how can I continue doing what I'm doing? How can I like what I'm doing? When you ruin it for me. That's what you're doing. I deserve better than this. Better than the way you're treating me. Better than the words you say about me. Better than your cold, hostile actions towards me. I deserve better than you.
And I wish I could say all of these things to your face. Or at least to your facebook. But that means I'd hafta request to be your friend. Haha. As it! I will never want to be that. And i will never ask. Beg. Plead.
Nope. I'm done. I'm not letting anyone take advatage of me.
Haha. It's funny how tough I sound on paper, isn't it? In reality.. Well I usually AM tough. I'm strong. I don't let people get away with stupid stuff. I have yelled at people for things not nearly as bad as what youre doing. And yet... I can bring myself to yell at you. To confront you. Cuz you have something I don't. Backup. You have people on your side. Although I have no idea why, there's people that seem to like you. Fine, whatever. That's THEIR decision. And unlike you, I won't try to make that decision for anyone else.
But you have backup. In a sense, it's like you have an army behind you. And I am just the lone soldier. Oh, I know I have friends. And I know I have people on my side. The question is, will they be brave enough to stand up? To stand up to you and stand up for me. Past experience has taught me not to count on that. It's taught me that I start a battle and I will be fighting alone. It's taught me not to count on backup. It's taught me I won't have any.
And yes. I know so much better than this. I really do! I know that God is there. I know that He cares and is ALWAYS on my side. Always backing me up. And I love Him so much for that. So much for... Everything He does and is and stands for and... But.. *sigh.
I need someone here. And I'm used to having no one.
So yes. If you were ever reading this (not that I'm thinking you will) I hope you read all of it. I was gonna say I hope you just read the top half, got scared and fled the country. But no, I hope you'd read the whole thing. Cuz I want you to see me breaking. Yep, you read that right. I want you to see how much this is hurting me. I want you to know it.
Most people I think would want to hide it. They'd wanna play tough and pretend to be strong and whole.
But I'm not like most people. And I don't. I want you to know that your snide little comments DONT just roll off my back. With every one you break another little piece of my heart. Although, believe you me, I'd much rather keep my heart away from you. But I'm not like that. And that reminds me of something else I need to blog about. Er, rather, someONE else.
So I'll stop here and just say, no matter what i said, what you think, I AM strong. Because of Him. You can laugh if you want. I'd honestly expect nothing more from you. Anything that's important to me has to be stupid to you.
Alright now look who is getting mean. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm being mean. And I'm sorry you are too.
So I'll leave you with, yes, you ARE breaking me. Does that make you happy?
And yes you are hurting me. But not for long. If history repeats itself, you're in for a treat. It probably wont take me long, either. Like a bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. And you just never know. But one day I'm just gonna explode. And you are gonna hear everything I've needed to say to you. I might not even be mean. I might just be fed up and almost broken beyond repair. There may be tears involved. I don't hafta be mean. We will just hafta see.
One thing I know for sure. I don't deserve this. And I WILL not stand for it. Whether you think i'll be fighting alone or not. Cuz the truth is, I'm never alone. He is ALWAYS there. He has proved faithful time and time again.
Why would this time be any different? <3
And I wish I could say all of these things to your face. Or at least to your facebook. But that means I'd hafta request to be your friend. Haha. As it! I will never want to be that. And i will never ask. Beg. Plead.
Nope. I'm done. I'm not letting anyone take advatage of me.
Haha. It's funny how tough I sound on paper, isn't it? In reality.. Well I usually AM tough. I'm strong. I don't let people get away with stupid stuff. I have yelled at people for things not nearly as bad as what youre doing. And yet... I can bring myself to yell at you. To confront you. Cuz you have something I don't. Backup. You have people on your side. Although I have no idea why, there's people that seem to like you. Fine, whatever. That's THEIR decision. And unlike you, I won't try to make that decision for anyone else.
But you have backup. In a sense, it's like you have an army behind you. And I am just the lone soldier. Oh, I know I have friends. And I know I have people on my side. The question is, will they be brave enough to stand up? To stand up to you and stand up for me. Past experience has taught me not to count on that. It's taught me that I start a battle and I will be fighting alone. It's taught me not to count on backup. It's taught me I won't have any.
And yes. I know so much better than this. I really do! I know that God is there. I know that He cares and is ALWAYS on my side. Always backing me up. And I love Him so much for that. So much for... Everything He does and is and stands for and... But.. *sigh.
I need someone here. And I'm used to having no one.
So yes. If you were ever reading this (not that I'm thinking you will) I hope you read all of it. I was gonna say I hope you just read the top half, got scared and fled the country. But no, I hope you'd read the whole thing. Cuz I want you to see me breaking. Yep, you read that right. I want you to see how much this is hurting me. I want you to know it.
Most people I think would want to hide it. They'd wanna play tough and pretend to be strong and whole.
But I'm not like most people. And I don't. I want you to know that your snide little comments DONT just roll off my back. With every one you break another little piece of my heart. Although, believe you me, I'd much rather keep my heart away from you. But I'm not like that. And that reminds me of something else I need to blog about. Er, rather, someONE else.
So I'll stop here and just say, no matter what i said, what you think, I AM strong. Because of Him. You can laugh if you want. I'd honestly expect nothing more from you. Anything that's important to me has to be stupid to you.
Alright now look who is getting mean. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm being mean. And I'm sorry you are too.
So I'll leave you with, yes, you ARE breaking me. Does that make you happy?
And yes you are hurting me. But not for long. If history repeats itself, you're in for a treat. It probably wont take me long, either. Like a bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. And you just never know. But one day I'm just gonna explode. And you are gonna hear everything I've needed to say to you. I might not even be mean. I might just be fed up and almost broken beyond repair. There may be tears involved. I don't hafta be mean. We will just hafta see.
One thing I know for sure. I don't deserve this. And I WILL not stand for it. Whether you think i'll be fighting alone or not. Cuz the truth is, I'm never alone. He is ALWAYS there. He has proved faithful time and time again.
Why would this time be any different? <3
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Isn't It Funny...?
Ya know. It's funny how someone can come in and just completely change
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
entirely.
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a baby...you hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?
~Love, Always, Forever~
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
entirely.
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a baby...you hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?
~Love, Always, Forever~
Feeling Life
so i was thinking this morning about how i haven't been able to write any songs lately. it just feels like i've sorta run out ideas at the moment. its like there is nothing exciting or dramatic happening in my life right now. and this happens from time to time. i think it sorta happens to everyone. ya know, when it just feels like nothing is going on. i feel like...i dont feel anything. but then it occurred to me. maybe this is the plains. the plains of life. like, in life you encounter mountains and hill that you hafta climb over, like obstacles in your life; and then theres the valleys that you hafta walk through. the sad, hard things in life. the things that hurt you. and then, maybe, just maybe, theres the plains of life. where...nothing is happening. maybe this is our time to relax and recover.
i went to church this past weekend. i participated in church this past weekend. and i havent done that in a loong time. but the pastor was talking about how sometimes in life you just feel like giving up. it just feels like the world is caving in on you and sometimes it just gets too heavy for us and we just wanna say "forget it" and drop it and let it fall on you. and that really hit home with me. oh, i wasnt feeling like taking my life or anything drastic. im not depressed and i really love life. but i was feeling disconnected. i was feeling...
see it was like there was so much stuff i HAD to do everyday that i just couldnt get it all done and still have time to think and feel and...be.
but this stuff had to be done so... i was getting it done. i was doing my chores, helping around the house, going to work (which was the big thing)...i knew something had to change. i knew i had to stop. not stop anything in particular...but just STOP. stop life. many times throughout the past couple weeks i actually found myself wishing life has a "pause" button. just stop. that was what i needed. but i didnt know how to get there. i could feel God, hear God saying "make time for Me". but i just didnt know how.
and then i went to church. and it was almost like a work of God, for all i know it coulda been. because the pastor gave us 5 steps. what to do when we felt like we had had enough when we needed things to change.
you should have seen me. i had my notebook out so fast and i was scribbling notes all throughout service. at some point i think i even stopped listening to the pastor explain it and i just started letting God speak to me and tell me how to apply this to my own life.
but heres the thing. i am not perfect. (like you didnt know that right?) because even with this new found knowledge...im not making that big of an effort.
i feel like i need a church. i need a youth group. i need Christian friends to see on a regular basis. i need a youth group. i need a small group....
i need motivation. i know what i need to do...and i need to JUST DO IT!!! like the Nike slogan. JUST DO IT!
if any one reading this would maybe offer up a prayer for me, id be super grateful. see, thats the one thing ive got down. ive been praying, like for real. talking to God. but....i need to crack open my Bible. maybe i'll do that when im done. like, seriously, 5 minutes of my day!! and i just...dont do it.
ok. im not sure entirely where i am going with this anymore. so enough rambling and i will sign off..
<3
i went to church this past weekend. i participated in church this past weekend. and i havent done that in a loong time. but the pastor was talking about how sometimes in life you just feel like giving up. it just feels like the world is caving in on you and sometimes it just gets too heavy for us and we just wanna say "forget it" and drop it and let it fall on you. and that really hit home with me. oh, i wasnt feeling like taking my life or anything drastic. im not depressed and i really love life. but i was feeling disconnected. i was feeling...
see it was like there was so much stuff i HAD to do everyday that i just couldnt get it all done and still have time to think and feel and...be.
but this stuff had to be done so... i was getting it done. i was doing my chores, helping around the house, going to work (which was the big thing)...i knew something had to change. i knew i had to stop. not stop anything in particular...but just STOP. stop life. many times throughout the past couple weeks i actually found myself wishing life has a "pause" button. just stop. that was what i needed. but i didnt know how to get there. i could feel God, hear God saying "make time for Me". but i just didnt know how.
and then i went to church. and it was almost like a work of God, for all i know it coulda been. because the pastor gave us 5 steps. what to do when we felt like we had had enough when we needed things to change.
you should have seen me. i had my notebook out so fast and i was scribbling notes all throughout service. at some point i think i even stopped listening to the pastor explain it and i just started letting God speak to me and tell me how to apply this to my own life.
but heres the thing. i am not perfect. (like you didnt know that right?) because even with this new found knowledge...im not making that big of an effort.
i feel like i need a church. i need a youth group. i need Christian friends to see on a regular basis. i need a youth group. i need a small group....
i need motivation. i know what i need to do...and i need to JUST DO IT!!! like the Nike slogan. JUST DO IT!
if any one reading this would maybe offer up a prayer for me, id be super grateful. see, thats the one thing ive got down. ive been praying, like for real. talking to God. but....i need to crack open my Bible. maybe i'll do that when im done. like, seriously, 5 minutes of my day!! and i just...dont do it.
ok. im not sure entirely where i am going with this anymore. so enough rambling and i will sign off..
<3
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