Its a gorgeous day. God is here. I can feel Him and sense His presence for the first time in months. Im in love with this day. Im smiling and happy. God knew i needed this. And not just on any day, but today. I needed to feel like this today. I was falling and struggling and, just as He promised He would, He saved me. Thank You Jesus <3

Your Will. Your Timing.

i can breathe. i smiled today and meant it. this may not last. but im grateful for it nonetheless. ♥

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

My best friend. ♥ No matter how many times i say it, it wont ever be enough to show how thankful i am. I praise God for blessing me with her. ♥ 

Smile:)

Can you imagine what the world would be like..if everyone smiled more..?

And meant it?

♥

Im thankful beyond belief for skype!!!XD i dont even know what id do without it!! <3

"Sometimes that mountain youve been climbing, is just a grain of sand.." <3

im super thankful for a brand new job. as well as, guys that give me hope that real men DO exist..hehe:)

"they dont like it, sue me..i swear to ya, ill be there for ya.." ♥

today im thankful for: a twin-like coworker who gets me so well and makes me feel so much better just by being around her:) and my best friend and all of our inside things that no one will ever get but that mean the world to us ♥

Today im glad that febraury feels more like march..hehe:)

I am thankful for a God that always provides for me. And for the amazing people He has placed in my life <3 im thankful for someone who will listen to anything i need to tell them and never, ever judges me <3

Ok, tryin something new.
as inspired by a friend who encouraged me to stop looking at the negatives.
everyday im just gonna post one thing im thankful for.
one thing that is good in my life.

today - im thankful for love. for the people in my life that know me inside and out and love me just.the.same. <3 and for God's Love that i can never deserve but that i can never lose either <3

do you have any idea how hard it is to do spanish homework, when everything in english doesnt even make sense to you??
much less trying to figure out another language.
me siento muy mal..
i definitely dont feel good right now.
everything is too much.
she asked me what was wrong. i thought i had been doing a good job covering. and she asked me how i was and i said ok. and she says i dont sound ok and asks whats wrong.
she can tell thru a text.
but i wrote it off as being stressed.
i guess i am.
she asked why..but i couldnt even say why.
i couldnt explain it.
i couldve but i...
was scared.
no entiendo.
i dont understand.
myself. this life. anything.
*huge sigh*
i dont know anything anymore.
im trying so hard to keep my head above water.
and just when i think maybe ive got it,
the water rises.
and i struggle all over again.
:'(
"tonight i wanna cry.."
maybe tonight is a good night to get back to my country love and listen to some sad songs and just..cry. its been awhile since i had a good cry. maybe it would actually do me some good.
buenas noches amigas <3

"I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new.."

to most people, its scary to not get along with people.
for me, it scares me to be on good terms with people.
im scared to let people in. to let them get close.
to me, its more awful a feeling getting along with people, than fighting with them.
i fight it at every corner. i hate it..
no..i dont hate it..im scared of it.
so i run away.
from everything. from everyone. i like being alone better.

maybe because i know thats where ill end up eventually anyways.

and i dont care to get attached just to be left.
so i figure why bother.
..or i fear rejection.
im weak. and im battle scarred.
and so, to avoid further pain, i lock myself away.
"run away, run away like a prodigal.."
guess thats me..

"Id take another chance, take a fall take a shot for you..but im afraid..its too late."

Ive been up for about 27 hours straight. No.sleep. Welcome to a youth group lock in..haha! Anyways, i feel like trying to make sense of my thoughts, when im THIS dead tired..is probably not gonna work out..:P lol. But i need to try. Because its been one heck.of 27 hours. I pray this doesnt fall into the wrong hands. Im scared to write this because i do not want someone who shoukdnt see this, to see it. But on that same hand, i need to get out my feelings. Sighh..i hate the days i didnt fall victim to censorship..:/ anyways..well i suppose all ill say is that i find it really hard to respect certain people, i really want to never set foot in there again, and i spent about 98.9% of my night miserable. From standing in a bathroom stall trying to suppress the tears i could feel coming, to faking a smile like i never have because he asked me what was wrong but i didnt want to hurt him so i lied..

"I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue, im only as good as that last one.."

im so freaking sick of fake people. you hate me. i.get.it.
so why do you come around and act like you dont??
im seriously not stupid and you're seriously not fooling anyone.
and i dont care what i sound like. after all,
you already hate me.
what do i have to lose?
so you hate me. you did before. you do now. you probably always will.
im not concerned with how to get you to stop hating me.
this isnt middle school anymore. you dont have to like me. i can handle it.
does this mean i dont ever miss what we had? well of course i do. you and i were pretty close, once upon a time. and i honestly miss those days. but they were built upon innocence and naivety. things changed, you changed, i changed, and, as a result, WE changed.
it happens.
it doesnt really bother me.
because its not like im looking at you and wishing youd like me.
its more like, im remembering you and wishing you were still like that.
because to be honest, i dont really want anything to do with you.
not anymore.
and to be even more honest...
im not too torn up about the way youve changed. it just makes it easier for me to not like you.
it makes it easier to..
forget about you. altogether.
and this would be perfection but..
but as per usual with you, youre sitting here faking your way through this.
and so you keep pushing your way in and pretending like you belong with us and like you even want to be with us..
but the truth is, if you could, youd be rid of me. its not us you want to be with. because i know full well that, given the opportunity, youd just as soon get rid of me altogether.
im not stupid.
i dont want anything to do with you. i dont want you to show up and ruin my perfect week.
but youre gonna.
and nothing i can say or do is gonna stop you.
because i wont say or do anything at all.
i hate how catty and petty and just plain stupid this whole thing makes me look.
not to mention..jealous. pathetic. ridiculous.
so i keep my thoughts to myself.
if someone says something, i agree.
but i will never come out and say it myself.
nope. i cant. i cant bring myself to do it.
so i keep all of this to myself.
you drive me craaazy.
but youll never know it.
most everyone will never know it.
i hate how this makes me look.
and i hate that i care.
...
mostly i guess i...i dont say anything because i dont want to be that girl.
because everyone id share my feelings with, knows you too. and i dont want to sound like im trying to come between you and them. or like im trying to make them pick.
because im not.
id love to.
but i wont.
because i know how extremely awful and wrong that is.
im not perfect.
but one of the many differences between you and me?
i dont pretend to be.

but one thing we do have in common?
we both pretend like everything is 'just fine'.
dang it.
i never wanted to have anything in common with you.
especially....something like this..<\3


"Shes been wishing on the stars that shine so bright, for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight.."

she tries so hard. day in and day out. but no matter what, shes never good enough for you. and shes sick and tired of giving her all. only to have you tell her its not enough. and you tell her you love her but you dont show it. and shes falling apart. and she cant keep doing this. she wears a smile but its wearing thin. and she hasnt meant it in months. she doesnt smile because shes happy. she smiles to keep the tears at bay. and the angry words never escape. she suppresses everything you wouldnt care to see. and she pretends to be ok even when shes dying inside.

she may be me. 

but not for much longer.

i cant keep doing this. 

day after day after day.

this sucks.

this hurts. 

i cant do it.

i cant keep this up.

and im honestly not even sure why id ever WANT to.

to make your life easier?

to not cause a scene?

to not bother anyone?

well im sorry.

im sorry if my happiness is more important than impressing you. 

and im sorry if, for me to be real and ok, your life gets a little more complicated.

im sorry if my life doesnt just revolve around pleasing you.

and im sorry if i cant die inside just to make your life easier.

im sorry.

i honestly am. my heart breaks.

but i cant keep doing this. 

i cant......live this way anymore.

because this honestly..isnt even living.

this is surviving. 

just getting by.

but this isnt living.

and I WANT TO LIVE!

but this isnt how i do it.

clearly.

nothing means anything anymore.

im going through the motions.

im suppressing everything to the point where it dies and its not even real.

i numb everything. to the point where i literally dont feel anything at all.

ya know, i was thinking yesterday. when people ask why you reach for other things when you're in trouble, rather than reaching for God..i never knew what to say.

but i know the answer now. at least, for me.

i reach for these other things because they numb me. i dont have to feel anything. but with God, i have to embrace things and feel them and work through them.

and i dont want to. i dont want to feel any of this stuff.

so i numb it.

and my relationship with God suffers as a result.

because i push Him away just so i dont have to feel anything.

i freaking hate this.

so much.

but i dont change it.

i wont sit here and pretend like i will.

this blog is one of the very few places ill be completely honest.

i wont walk away from here and change anything. i know this for a fact.

so i wont sit here and pretend like i will.

i know ill turn off my laptop and go back to reality and everything will be the same as i left it. and i wont be strong enough to change anything.

and God tells me He is my strength. He tells me ALL things are possible through Christ. and once upon a time i believed all of this. and i still believe it. but i dont believe it for me right now. i dont deserve this. i dont deserve Him. i never did. i never could. but at least i felt better about taking His love when i was living for Him. but now im shutting Him out and im living in doubt and i...i feel like i dont belong to Him anymore. i feel like there is no way He could ever want me. i feel like He is better off if i just stay away.

"Im the One holding you up.."

i want to believe this. i need it. i need....

You.

theres no other way around this.

i.

need.

You.

the only question is..will i be strong enough to take that first step? to reach out. i KNOW You will meet me if i will only make that move. but i also know that to make that move will be to undo everything i know and live by. and normally i wouldnt give it a second thought. the answer would be no. because im stubborn and im set in my ways. but..i dont know. something about the prospect of true life sound inviting. and im intrigued. i want to know more..

i want to live it.

i want to...let myself <3

"Take a minute to see it from my side of things, dont you think you'd feel the same, like you still gotta play for the victory in a game you won yesterday, i shouldn't have to fight for something thats already mine.."

i feel like shes just gonna keep coming around though. no matter what i do. regardless of what i want. and then someone has the nerve to tell me in such an offhand manner that the two of you probably have something going behind my back...O.o

lovely.

well i dont care. if you two have something, fine. its fine. you can. its not like youre all mine anyways. i know this. i cant control you. and i dont want to. who you talk to, who you interact with, who you get close with..all of it is YOUR choice. i know that. im not trying to make that choice for you. and i dont want to. because i never want you because you feel like you cant leave. because you can. please i...i dont want it to be like this. not again. and yes, im terrified to post this. im definitely tempted to write this all out and just delete it. because of what i said before, about my words being held against me. im scared. and i dont even freaking care what anyone says right now. because you know what, you can hold whatever you want against me for the next 96 days. and then? i can leave. i can run. so play your freaking head games. hurt me and then act like you never did. all of you. i dont even care. im so furious right now. and yeah, its old news. its "in the past". and maybe i should leave it there. but maybe im sick and freaking tired of just doing what i HAVE to. what i SHOULD do. i need to do what feels right for.ME.

a concept lost on so many.

a concept hidden by me. 

because i have lived the last 17 years and some days trying to be everything to everyone. i wanted to be liked and to NEVER be a disappointment. and time and time again i watched myself fail, as people walked out and left me. or as people told me they loved me and treated me the exact opposite way. and i learned to feel that even though i was giving everything i had and being everything i could, that even that wasnt enough. well forget it. i dont even care anymore. im beyond mad right now. im sad too, but the tears will come later. 

i sit here in the silence now, because the song i was listening to ended and i have no idea what else to turn on because nothing describes anything i feel right now. so i just sit here and listen to the sounds of my fingers pounding the keys. im typing these words so fast right now. and the worst part, i realize? my entire family is downstairs watching a movie right now. together. and im up here. alone. and no one knows i feel like this. no one. and i dont know how to tell anyone. i dont want my words to hurt anyone else. and i cant ask the questions that burn in my mind because my heart fears it cant stand to hear the answers. the truth. or the lies. anything. ignorance, after all, is bliss. but ignorance leads to wondering. and wondering, doubting, questioning..all of that is pain. sheer torture, even.

"i hate, feeling like this. so tired, of trying to fight this.."

"So you'll be mine, forever and almost always, and i'll be fine, just love me when you can.."