she tries so hard. day in and day out. but no matter what, shes never good enough for you. and shes sick and tired of giving her all. only to have you tell her its not enough. and you tell her you love her but you dont show it. and shes falling apart. and she cant keep doing this. she wears a smile but its wearing thin. and she hasnt meant it in months. she doesnt smile because shes happy. she smiles to keep the tears at bay. and the angry words never escape. she suppresses everything you wouldnt care to see. and she pretends to be ok even when shes dying inside.

she may be me. 

but not for much longer.

i cant keep doing this. 

day after day after day.

this sucks.

this hurts. 

i cant do it.

i cant keep this up.

and im honestly not even sure why id ever WANT to.

to make your life easier?

to not cause a scene?

to not bother anyone?

well im sorry.

im sorry if my happiness is more important than impressing you. 

and im sorry if, for me to be real and ok, your life gets a little more complicated.

im sorry if my life doesnt just revolve around pleasing you.

and im sorry if i cant die inside just to make your life easier.

im sorry.

i honestly am. my heart breaks.

but i cant keep doing this. 

i cant......live this way anymore.

because this honestly..isnt even living.

this is surviving. 

just getting by.

but this isnt living.

and I WANT TO LIVE!

but this isnt how i do it.

clearly.

nothing means anything anymore.

im going through the motions.

im suppressing everything to the point where it dies and its not even real.

i numb everything. to the point where i literally dont feel anything at all.

ya know, i was thinking yesterday. when people ask why you reach for other things when you're in trouble, rather than reaching for God..i never knew what to say.

but i know the answer now. at least, for me.

i reach for these other things because they numb me. i dont have to feel anything. but with God, i have to embrace things and feel them and work through them.

and i dont want to. i dont want to feel any of this stuff.

so i numb it.

and my relationship with God suffers as a result.

because i push Him away just so i dont have to feel anything.

i freaking hate this.

so much.

but i dont change it.

i wont sit here and pretend like i will.

this blog is one of the very few places ill be completely honest.

i wont walk away from here and change anything. i know this for a fact.

so i wont sit here and pretend like i will.

i know ill turn off my laptop and go back to reality and everything will be the same as i left it. and i wont be strong enough to change anything.

and God tells me He is my strength. He tells me ALL things are possible through Christ. and once upon a time i believed all of this. and i still believe it. but i dont believe it for me right now. i dont deserve this. i dont deserve Him. i never did. i never could. but at least i felt better about taking His love when i was living for Him. but now im shutting Him out and im living in doubt and i...i feel like i dont belong to Him anymore. i feel like there is no way He could ever want me. i feel like He is better off if i just stay away.

"Im the One holding you up.."

i want to believe this. i need it. i need....

You.

theres no other way around this.

i.

need.

You.

the only question is..will i be strong enough to take that first step? to reach out. i KNOW You will meet me if i will only make that move. but i also know that to make that move will be to undo everything i know and live by. and normally i wouldnt give it a second thought. the answer would be no. because im stubborn and im set in my ways. but..i dont know. something about the prospect of true life sound inviting. and im intrigued. i want to know more..

i want to live it.

i want to...let myself <3