i let you in to let me down
its ok its just how things go
no one ever really sticks around
i should just learn how to breathe on my own

hes the reason i fall asleep with my phone in my hand.
shes the reason i believe there are people out there that care.

people can either be your reason to fly,
or your reason to fall apart.

i have some of both people in my life.
but the honest truth is..i think i have more people that make me fall apart, than i have people to build me back up.
i was sitting in church today, just having a real honest conversation with God.
i told Him i had reasons i couldnt give Him my whole life.
im not doing that great a job holding myself together these days. But i have my life by a thread. and im not letting go.
i told Him that. i told Him that to give it up to Him, to let go of the last thread im holding onto, to give Him me and to allow Him to break me if He so chooses...was something i couldnt do.
not again.
it was then that i realized WHY i felt like this.
and i told Him what i was feeling.
"people always break me when given the opportunity. but they never stick around to put me back together. if i let You break me..who is to say YOU'LL put me back together? i just cant afford to be broken and left one.more.time. because...if im broken and the one who breaks me walks away...i may not be able to put myself back together this time.."
i told you it was honest. and thats not verbatim but..you get the picture.
its all true though.
i really dont think i can keep putting myself back together.
no.one.on.earth. knows i feel like this. and yeah, i WANT to trust God. i really do. but i trust everyone and EVERYONE lets me down.
EVERYONE.
well....so far, of everyone ive ever known, ONE person is still trustworthy.
the point is, if you knew my track record, youd understand why my heart is so hesitant to let me trust anymore.

God help me. im too broken to cry out much more than that. just...rescue me, please. i KNOW, probably better than most, that i dont deserve this. that i dont deserve You..but i need You. please dont leave me. ever. <\3