Truth is...

truth is...i am sick of feeling unpretty.
truth is...i am so tired of standing strong when i should never have had to stand at all.
truth is...i am not afraid to be weak. and i am not against being strong.
truth is...i am just sick of fighting battles that aren't even mine.
truth is...there are things that would fall apart if i didn't hold them together.
truth is...no one even knows this.
truth is...i am pretend.
truth is...i might as well be a ghost, because everyone can pass right through me as if i mean and feel nothing at all.
truth is...i break so easily.
truth is...everyone thinks its the opposite.
truth is...i miss someone.
truth is...i cry myself to sleep over his not being here more nights than i have even been close to him.
truth is...my heart is scarred and no one can change that.
truth is...sometimes i cant believe in love.
truth is...thats really bad cuz love is the thing i live for.
truth is...i am so sick of playing what if.
truth is...i don't know what to do with my life.
truth is...im not even sure i know what i WANT.
truth is...i really don't know what i NEED to do!
truth is...i listen to careless music because it is the only thing in my life that helps me NOT think.
truth is...i am forever over thinking and over analyzing. EVERYTHING.
truth is...no one gets too close.
truth is...i push people away.
truth is...i say i want people to know me.
truth is...i run when that happens...if not before.
truth is...i can pretend all i want but i know what i know.
truth is...im used to handling everything on my own.
truth is...its so hard for me to open up. except for through writing and music. and thats why this blog is the only one who will ever hear all of this.
truth is...even my best friends don't know all the details. cuz thats just too complicated.
truth is...my life seems defined by that word. complicated.
truth is...i am sick of being defined.
truth is...i don't wanna leave.
truth is...im gonna miss this. a lot. and i am so scared that i wont get to enjoy it much longer
truth is...i hate when people worry and i do everything i can to get them to stop.
truth is...i cant say no.
truth is...i get talked into things i don't wanna do.
truth is...if you want something all you have to do is ask. (i should work on that...)
truth is...i get vulnerable.
truth is...when i get like this i need reassurance.
truth is...when i go looking for that it always ends badly. ALWAYS.
truth is...someone that reads this will probably take it wrong.
truth is...i wish i could stop caring what others think.
truth is...i don't mean to be mean. 
truth is...im just sick of getting hurt.
truth is...i push first. to make sure you don't.
truth is...that doesn't make me a hypocrite cuz i just don't let anyone close in the first place.
truth is...i get lead on. so easily.
truth is...i refuse to get my hopes up cuz every time i do they come crashing down. hard. harder than if i hadn't got them up in the first place.
truth is...i know better but i dont always act like it.
truth is...i hate that girls always feel like we have to be perfect.
truth is...?


This is the most anyone will ever know about me. you have no idea....this is a lot to know. and its cryptic, a lot of it is. its just my thoughts so it might not all make sense to you.
it feels really good just to get it out there though. <3

Days 9 & 10

hahaha i cant seem to actually keep up with this! Ha so maybe ill just do it for 2 days at a time, like this. or not. anyways, thats not the point.
this is getting easier day after day.
but today i looked in the car mirror and was like, "ugh". not good. cuz when i feel like that about myself, i wanna slather on a bunch of makeup so i look "perfect". And i cry over my lack of hair. i am still caught in between getting or not getting hair extensions. 
one good reason i would say to get them would be that, with my hair this short, it poofs out and i have to constantly and consistently straighten it. which is really damaging. so i don't even know if it will grow good if i have to straighten it every day....hmm...
so thats where i am. mostly i avoid mirrors when i feel like this. 
and i avoid scales at...pretty much all costs. i still stand in between diet or not.
idk and writing this is hard right now cuz i just have to face it all.
sometimes i like make believe so much better.
so, i will live in ignorance just a little while longer.
<3

Days 7 & 8

So i forgot to post last night...and i forgot to read my Bible this morning...
Gosh i am having an off day!
But in my defense, getting up at 5:30am yesterday, watching my little brothers and sister all day, staying up late with them and CAMPING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR, and then waking back up to do it all over again...
might cause ANYone to have an off day.
But even in light of these set backs, there haven't been any major struggles today.
Well, except for being irritated with my little brothers. 
But as far as modesty...i think i am starting to get it. I go out without or with little makeup a lot too! :D Yesterday i did it without even realizing it!
Now i struggle with another beauty issue. 
Diet?
Ugh. No never mind, i will not go on here and get into this. I am not even...just not going there.
I will learn to see myself as beautiful. I don't do diets. Because everything i do is all or none. 
So, in this case, i choose none.
God made me beautiful and i will learn to accept and see that. <3 <3

Day 6

Yup. Should've posted this last night.
Not much to say. 
I cannot judge how well i am doing exactly. 
Sometimes i wonder if what im wearing is "modest enough".
But, to be fair, its 90+ degrees here!!!
Its HOT!


So i had a cute outfit planned in my head for this morning.
And when i put it on, i realized it looked a little inappropriate. 
I battled with myself for literally like 5 minutes.
but in the end i took it off and put on something less revealing.
dang. this is not easy.
but you know what?
I am proud of myself. 
I have never really felt that way before. I have never had anything to BE proud of.
:) And now...
And im finding its easier to say no.
I have never been good at that. No matter what you previously thought about me, i have a hard time saying no. So saying no today to what i was originally planning to wear was empowering to me.
But this whole saying no thing has been a battle in every area of my life. Thats why i feel so overtaxed sometimes. I can't say no.
I. AM. WEAK.
Scratch that. I WAS weak.
Through God's Grace and Mercy, i am learning to be strong. ♥ ♥

Day Five

I meant to post last night but i got a little sidetracked, and then it was too late.
Yesterday was pretty good. Not much to say, modesty wise. The day itself was a little up and down. Sort of an emotional rollercoaster. 
But somedays are just like that.
Yesterday i had to work, so i wore a (life is good) tee and long shorts :)
And last night my daddy told me that he liked my choice of shorts and that he appreciated my making a choice like that. So, i have to say that was pretty sweet and i definitely appreciated it.
I am glad to be getting so much support from my family and from my friends during this process.
I love you all.
And to anyone reading this, i am sorry if all i ever do is complain.
I don't mean to. 
I am actually really thankful for my life and the gifts and people that God has blessed my life with.
Okay, that is all. <3 <3 <3

Everyday i choose between being weak or standing strong.

I am also trying to change...

me. 

The way i live and ESPECIALLY the way i dress.

And it has been difficult and it still is. But i feel like i have let things go unnoticed and unchecked in my life...

But no more.

My word lately seems to be weak.

I just cant seem to beat that. Everything in my life lately seems to revolve around that word, or its opposite. Strong.

I have to choose, everyday, in everything i do, whether i will be weak or be strong.

And for a long time i chose weak. And sometimes i still do. 

But i am done. I am done being weak and taking the easy way out. 

And this applies to everything in my life, little or big.

From not biting my tongue and saying something sarcastic and mean to my brothers, to the way that i dress. And yes, i envy those girls that can pull on their bikinis and short shorts and not think anything of it.

Sort of. 

I also feel bad for them.

And for the guys around them.

And, yes, a little bit for myself. Because i miss that. 

Walking away from one life and creating another isn't easy.

Nothing about this experience has been easy.

But thats part of the reason i think it will be worth it. 

Because most of the worthwhile things in life are things you have to work for.

I am willing to work. But its getting hard.

If anyone is reading this, would you please pray for me?

Thanks, love you <3 <3

Day Four.

Most of my day wasn't even spent here in town. But that really doesn't matter. The only thing is that living here, in a beach/resort town, temptations run stronger. Temptations to give in and be like everyone else. 
But, despite having to get up early, i still took time and read my Bible this morning :)
That really does make all the difference.
And i feel like this is becoming easier. 


I actually looked at myself in the mirror this morning and said "You are beautiful." and meant it!


But the only thing...i just don't know HOW modest i am truly being. Where, oh where, is that line?
God, i pray, please show me! I desperately need to know...
I am so sick of middle ground. I want something better. I want something more.
I want to live the way He showed me how to.
I only get ONE life here on this earth. There are no redos or second tries. This is it.


And i want to make it count.
For Him. <3

Day Three.

I spent the day at work today, so not a whole lot of thoughts. The day was mostly uneventful. I went to the beach earlier this morning with my little brothers. And, surprisingly, i was mostly able to accept the fact that i was the only teenage girl wearing a tankini. And i didn't even wear a tank top over it to make it look like i was wearing a tank over a bikini. (since you could only see the straps.) I wore my tankini and shorts. At first when i got there i regretted not having worn a tank top. But...i got over it. I got over the looks. And, to be honest, there weren't that many. At least, not that i noticed. I was having fun. Playing with my brothers and, for the most part, not caring what anyone else thought.
Maybe i am making progress?

Day Two.

I will say that today was...mostly okay. No beach scene so that was nice. And i got to wear a sweatshirt because it was only fifty-some degrees. 
But my day didn't go completely smooth. 
But you know what i just realized?
That i chose not to read my Bible this morning.
I woke up and did my other things, went downstairs to say goodbye to my mom before she left for work, and told myself id come back and read it.
I never did.
Also, i wasted a whole day just lying around.
On the plus side. I listened to Christian music today (well, besides that one uncontrollable hour at work...) and aside from like...MY music..and like songs that i was working on and such.
But anyways. Christian music. Barlow Girl was awesome! I had forgotten how much i loved them!! <3
So i learned something new today :)
And while i will probably go back to listening to regular music too...at some point..i am going to try and incorporate more Christian music in too...and filter out some other things i listen to...
I just need to say something here. In black and white. I feel like i am battling a lot of things right now. And i feel like there is a lot at work trying to keep me weak.
Not a good combination. 
So, more than ever, i need to be strong. But it needs to not be a facade. I need to be strong for real.
So, tomorrow morning i will wake up and read my Bible. I read it tonight to make up for this morning, but i really like starting off my day with it. I feel like it helps make me strong for the day. :)
God is strong. He keeps me strong. God is merciful. To forgive me when i am weak.
God is Love. And He is MY Love. <3 <3 <3 How blessed i am...WE are... :)

Footprints.

I was walking along the beach yesterday. Leaving footprints in the sand. The tide would come and wash them away and, all of a sudden, a thought hit me.
This was like God washing away all traces of the places i've been. Its like, as i walk and i feel like i am leaving a mark; evidence that ive been there; He is actually coming behind me and washing it away.
He doesn't hold anything against me. He washes it away. Its like, all the places that ive been...all the ground i walked on that i shouldn't have...all the roads i wandered down that i should have avoided...and i thought i had left a mark there. I felt like i had left evidence behind me. I feared that a part of me would forever be lost in these deep, dark places.
But when i stopped, quieted my mind, and turned around to see...i was astonished to find that God was coming behind me and...erasing it!

It was like i had never even been there.


And i can't even describe to you how that felt. <3

Day One.

Today marks a new month. June 1st. :)
So. Consider this Day One.
I am on a search. A quest. Fighting a battle. Whatever you want to call it.
I have been on my "modesty" lifestyle for a little while now. But i figured that since today marked a new month, i could start here and make it official :)
So, some thoughts about Day One?

This is hard. I hate to see all these girls. Bikinis...and, this one kills me the most, short shorts. Because, to be honest, i LOVE short shorts! I just like how they look and how they fit...and for YEARS i fought with my parents about clothes. They would never give in and i love them for that. But now, they don't care...no. That's not true. They are letting me make my own decisions (to an extent of course!), would be a better way to say it. And i imagine that's easy for them at the moment because i am making good decisions for...pretty much the first time in my life. 
For the most part. I realize that i am sitting here writing this and letting a Lady Gaga song play on the radio.
Well, the song is over now. I don't know...i feel like...
oh my. It's coming back to me. A few weeks ago. I sat here with such an amazing friend. She told me that modesty has to come from the inside and work its way out. 
So, sure, on the outside what i WEAR looks modest. But what about the ideas i am filtering into my head, and, ultimately, my heart?
Wow. That is enough to make you stop. 
But, if i were being real honest, which, in my mind, is kind of the point of this blog.... i like my careless music. It helps me...escape. My life feels a little crazy right now. And i'd be lying to say that i don't like a temporary...escape from reality.
And i don't mean that the way it probably sounds. Its just...careless music makes me...careless. 
Which, to be fair, might be the problem. 
But i like it because it helps me to STOP. THINKING.
Something i am sooo not good at. I am forever overthinking.
*Shrugs. 
I don't know what to say. I thought i'd come on here and complain about how everyone around me gets to wear things and be careless. How they show off their tan stomachs in their bikinis and long legs in their short shorts. I thought i'd get to pity myself a bit about not having long hair and just generally being unable to see my beauty.
And yet, all i did was dig up another issue. Another thing i have to face head on. Another difficult task. A challenge. Yet another battle to engage in.
Will i forever be at war?

Make me feel beautiful.

I am not asking you to MAKE me beautiful. Just let me know my beauty. Make me feel worthy. I am not asking you to MAKE me worthy. Or to free me of any unworthiness. I'm asking you to help me see my worth. Allow me to feel weak. Be strong enough for the both of us.

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I want to be here with you. I want you to hold me. I want to be weak and I want it to be okay because you are here being strong enough for us both. I just.... want to be with you. I'm not asking for much. I just want to do this life with you. Because I am scared and lost and broken WITHOUT you. I don't need you to complete me. BUT I DO NEED YOU!!! Because there are somethings I do that I do because I have to. Things that, if you were here with me, could all change. Like being tough. Like hiding away and feeling unpretty. Like bring afraid and not having you to protect me. Like being strong while every fiber of my being wants to be weak. Like holding things and myself together when all I feel like doing is falling apart. I Love You. ♥ Always and forever baby. I just wish I knew who you are. And I wish that we'd already started on forever. I miss you. Which sounds stupid since I don't even know who you are. But I long to be with you with everything inside of me. And not just so I can be weak. But because I love you and I just wanna be with you forever. ♥

She longs to run she longs to go, but she's held back by fear, she's scared of what she doesn't know, so she remains right here.

I am feeling discontent. No big deal...I'll get over it... Or maybe? I won't. What do I want?! Why is it that just when things are calm(ish) in my life, I suddenly become disconnected and disinterested and....discontent? Why can't I just be happy with the calm waters that God has given me? I ought to be thankful for them. I have had enough stress lately to last me... Well, awhile. But I'm bored. I'm bored with life. Not because God has made my life boring... But because i have. I am not doing anything. Anything at all. I am sitting around. Not making a difference... And not going after my dream. And this circles back to the topic of never allowing myself to feel good at anything. Ever. I dont go after my dream because... I am afraid of being rejected. I cannot return the stare of a cute boy with a smile because... I am afraid of being rejected. I cannot do anything because I hold myself back. But we've already been over this.

Its like i just can't admit that i'm good at anything...

"I can't" has become another word for "I'm afraid". I feel like my life is confined by the countries of "i can't". "I can't's" and "I'm unable's" have been deciding the way i live...pretty much all my life. And I have allowed it. Because it is easier to simply say, "oh I can't do that!" "oh I'm no good at that!", than it is to admit to being afraid to even try. I think...I'm afraid to be good at something. Because then I might actually feel like I have some worth. I think I am being lied to. Satan wants me to feel worthless and he wants to tell me I'm not good at anything, and that i can't do anything. And when I believe him, I let him win. Instead of using my God given talents, I conform to Satan's lies. But then again, all my life I have, by ommission, heard this lie. Oh, people never told me that I wasn't good at anything, or that I was worthless (well...except for that one person...) But nobody ever told me I could. Or I was. They didn't stop and say, "wow Morgan, you're really good at that". Or, when people did tell me that, I brushed it off. Because I'd been hearing the lies so long, that I passed the truth off as lip service. But why? Why should I conform any longer? Because I AM good. I know it. And I WANT so badly to do this. I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there. I already have minimal self confidence as it is, and to potentially have that be shot down... Or to be built up. I have said before how I don't want regrets, or coming to the end of my life and playing "what if". And yet, that's EXACTLY what I am setting myself up for. By conforming to and giving into fear, that's exactly what I'm preparing for. Regrets and what if. Is that what it's worth to me? To hide in my shell? Or should I take a chance? Put myself out there? Believe in myself?! And pray for the best...?
Because the truth is, hidden in all of my "can't's" is more or less a "won't". I won't try this or i won't do that or i won't take a risk.


"Can't" is another word for fear.

I miss winter.

I miss winter. Yes, the girl that hates cold and loves summer honestly just wrote that. Although, to be honest, I miss fall. Not really winter... But my initial thought was "I miss winter." And would you care to know why, just when it's getting nice and warm (slowly but surely) I long for the cool autumn days? It's because I could hide. I could hide in my jeans that made me feel good and my oversized sweatshirts. Slap that together with my fabulous curls that I no longer have, and you know how I looked all winter. But now... We've got short shorts. We've got bikinis. We've got tank tops and camis. We've got girls with perfect tan bodies and perfect hair. And their gorgeous boyfriends. During winter... Everyones in hibernation And Everyone wears clothes...because it's cold. I am just so sick of the looks. The "you'll never measure up" looks. I am so sick of walking everywhere with my head down. Because I am ashamed. Why?! I should love who I am. And I do. Until I look around. And the thing I miss the most? My hair. My long(ish) curls. I felt so beautiful. I can't even believe I gave them up. Because I miss them so much!! It is sad and pathetic, but I will say that it brings me to tears from time to time. Because they made me feel beautiful. Truly... Beautiful. And I haven't felt that way in a LONG time. That may sound stupid to you. But it's the truth. I miss them dearly because they were....me. But I suppose it is time to stop wallowing in my misery. I know that the Bible says not to worry about your outward appearance. And I try... But I need to feel beautiful. And so far.... I'm just not feelin it. And to top that all off, I have to start wearing summer clothes (it's lookin like starting next week it'll get warm and stay warm). And I am aiming for a wardrobe reflecting the Image of Christ. Difficult difficult combination. Summer wardrobe that is Christ Honoring... And I WANT to do it!! But I will not lie. It. Has. Been. Hard. And it still is. God, I pray, will give me strength. I definitely need it. And I need to........ ........ I need to believe in myself. I need to know that it isn't the outside appearance that makes me beautiful, but Christ shining through me. HE is my beauty. And yet it (amongst other things) is something i let the word strip me of entirely too much.