i don't know how to make decisions, because, in the last 17 years of my life, ive really never had to. somehow, someway, i let someone start making decisions for me early on. and then? i just lost my voice. i got used to people making decisions for me and they got used to making them.
and along with losing my voice, i slowly lost my inner voice too. the one that believes in me and my thoughts.
i just lost everything. 
and now i need to step up but you know what? i cant. i cant because, for SO long, i listened to everyone else's voice. and now i cant even HEAR mine.
you ask me what i want and i cant even answer you.
because i don't KNOW what i want.
im used to pleasing everyone else before myself.
seriously...i can only think of ONE good decision i have made since...i don't even KNOW when! but i was able to make this decision because NO ONE ELSE said anything. 
this was MY choice. and the truth is, you don't even know so...
but thats beside the point.
i haven't made a decision for myself since i cant even remember when.
ive let everyone else decide.
and the main reason i did that was because, if they decided, they wouldn't be disappointed.
i dont wanna disappoint you.
but my gosh! you sat there and told me not to let ANYONE make this decision for me...
O.o um..correct me if im wrong but...isn't that what you're trying to subtly do? you would NEVER say it...but you are trying to influence me and change my mind...O.o
yup.
goshhh i wanna run. like, a lot. just run and run and not stop till im in a place where no one knows me. no one's heard about me. no one knows stories and rumors, no one has this stupid judgement of me in their head.
somewhere.no.one.knows.me.
but i cant run. i cant. except...in less than 7 months..i CAN.
im not saying im running away from you. i love you and you love me and thats all good.
i just cant meet your expectations AND stay true to myself
and, normally, i would just bend what I wanted, and give you what you wanted.
but...this is my future we are talking about here!!
and, in less than 7 months ill be an adult...and adults make their own decisions.
thats all im asking for. the freedom to make my own decisions AND, if it comes down to it, my own mistakes...
and if you wont GIVE me that freedom, then, yeah, in 7 months...
you'll watch me take it.

"I can be manipulated only so many times, before even "i love you" starts to sound like a lie..." 

i thought i was strong. i thought i could hold it all together. at least, i thought, till i turned out the lights and "went to sleep".
and then i was texting my best friend and she asked what was wrong and i literally just fell apart. i just told her everything and laid on my bed and cried. i didn't want to cry because i was so afraid someone would come up and see me like that..and i didn't (and still don't) want to have to explain to any of my family..
but i couldn't help it. with my words, out poured my tears.
and, being the AMAZING best friend that she is, she totally listened to everything, talked me through it all, and then turned me back to God.
seriously..this song is my life right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEzas-F_aKA
and we talked and i listened to this song a lot of times on repeat...lol
and i finally feel better.
a little anyways.
and yeah. nothing.has.changed.
everything will be the same tomorrow.
everything is the same right now.
but one thing has changed.
i know imma get through this.
and i know that i have 2 people who will always be there to go through it with me.
my best friend has proved this to me over and over again.
and she always points me back to that God is here with me too<3
...i just...well i hope im as good a friend to her as she is to me.
and i hope one day ill learn to forgive and forget my past and not let it interfere with our future.
and i hope she knows the only reason im like this....
is cuz im scared.
ive never had a friend mean more to me.
ever.
which is why the thought of losing that friend...terrifies me to death.
but im trying to trust. trust God, trust her...
and trust myself<3 <3

i need to stop having these breakdowns. seriously. because i just become completely unproductive for the rest of the night. i cant think. i cant do anything.
soo..guess im not finishing my homework...which puts me behind for tomorrow. 
great, lets just start the day off behind...:P
i need to cry. i really think i do. cuz i just need to get this all out.
i cant keep stuffing it. im just gonna burst.
but then again, you really give me no other choice..
i could cry myself to sleep again. :/
but by day all you will see is my smile.
i really really hate this. like, a LOT.
because i know what happened LAST TIME i felt this way.
it was horrible. i...i cant even tell you. but it was bad.
yeahh..
I NEED THINGS BACK LIKE THEY WERE THIS SUMMER!!!
but evidently i WANT it more than i need it. cuz if i needed it, God would've given it to me. He always gives me what i need.
so i guess i don't need this.
but goshhh do i miss it :'( 
i miss not feeling like THIS all the time < /3
i cant even figure out how to get a grip on the situation.
i cant figure out anything.
im breaking down. im falling apart.
and theres nothing anyone can do to change this.
the damage has been done. 
and now im dealing with the consequences.
or trying to, anyways...
uh oh...im crying...gosh i hope no one sees me like this...

BestFriendsForever♥

BestFriendsForever♥ by alwaysthegirlnextdoor on Polyvore.com

Why don't you, come right out and say it?

if you don't believe in me, for crying out loud, at least TELL me that. i hate these hidden messages. i hope you know how much it hurts when i cant even feel like you support me. you don't have to AGREE with me. i mean, id appreciate if you would, but i don't expect that. people have opinions. im aware. but what YOU need to be aware of is how much i WANT your support, but also how i WILL go on without it.
someone's gotta believe in me and, if it has to be, that person will be me.
which will be SO.HARD. for me. i have such a hard time believing in myself.
actually, i don't believe in much these days.
but i WILL learn. 
even if i stand alone.


somedays it feels like i will forever stand alone.


and sure, theres usually someone there...but they always only last a short period of time.
i wanna cry and i wanna kick myself at the same time.
i wanna cry cuz this hurts sooo much.
and i wanna kick myself cuz crying makes me feel weak. crying means i don't trust. crying means im falling apart.
and? all of that is true. i am weak. i don't trust and i am falling apart:/
i hate it. and i hate it even more because, this time LAST YEAR, i was fine. i was S.T.R.O.N.G.
i hate how weak i am now. i hate..everything. this is reallyyy bad. i NEED to not feel like this.
:'// but i just don't know how.


...i got a sweatshirt n a bracelet today. they say "To Write Love On Her Arms."
amazing.company.
its about learning to "write" love instead of scars.
its for anti-suicide and self-harm.
but when i read the words on the bracelet im reminded to love myself. im reminded that everyday *i* chose to love myself or hurt myself. or allow myself to be hurt by other people.
specifically for me, that means not putting myself down and not letting anyone else put me down either.
...
i REALLY wish i knew how to get my life back.
and more?
i wish i knew how to get ME back...

ohhhkay. i am LITERALLY operating on 5 hours of sleep. nbd. lol i just hope i don't fall asleep in church..O.o lol
but in all seriousness, like, i don't regret it at.all.
seriously. i might get in trouble..if they find out how late i was texting..and i might be tired all day..
but after all we have been through, NOT being there for you...
was never even an option<3

i cant explain it. im crabby and everything upsets me right now. ugh i hate this. and i know im just bound to say something ill regret. and ill probably end up saying it to someone i love and ill hurt them and then ill hate myself later....
its gonna be a long night. hopefully, i can just get through dinner and chores. then i can retreat to my room on the pretense of homework.
cuz its true. i have homework.
and ill do it.
and ill blast skillet.
and ill try to either figure things out or else drown them out.
ugh...gotta go. family's home.
smile in place? check.

God is good.


its been far too long since ive stopped to realize that. 
and yeah, in light of this new stupid drama that has entered my life, i was expecting to feel the need to post about it.
but instead, all i feel the need to do is to stop and realize that God is good, and that, much like EVERYTHING else in my life...
He will get me through this.
and i believe He will get US through this.
but even if He chooses to lead us down separate paths, well...
ill be sad. and ill miss you like crazy. and it'll break my heart. but theres one thing you need to know.
i will always love you and always be there for you no matter what. 
"And if its over, it hurts but im givin you my word, i hope that you're always happy like we were.." <3
God knows what is best for us. He brought us together. and, honestly, i don't believe He will let this tear us apart. 
but even if it does, i just want to trust Him. please never assume that i WANT us torn apart. its the furthest thing from what i desire.
im just saying, i need to trust Him. He gave me you, after all. 
God...is GOOD.<3

im sorry about all of the depressing posts lately...but i don't wanna be fake and pretend to be happy ya know? i just need to deal with all of this stuff right now and how i deal is by writing it out. <3

ya know, i used to treat this thing like my journal. i still do sometimes. but i have a separate journal now. not everything i feel belongs on this blog. 

but gosh, if you could see my journal, you'd see how truly broken and scared i am right now. i know i don't have time for this, got places to be and people to see.

thats another thing. i write in my journal at 11, 12, 1am because i just don't have time during the day, but i just cant sleep without getting my feelings out.

and i DEFINITELY cant be online at 1am! lol

so i know i sound broken on here, but trust me, it gets worse. 

and i usually don't let people see my broken. cuz, c'mon, who wants a friend like that?

but i have a relationship thats BASED off vulnerability.

things i need to say?

I HATE MYSELF FOR MY INABILITY TO TRUST;

AND I HATE THAT PEOPLE HAVE BROKEN ME TO THE POINT WHERE TRUST BECOMES NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE.

its fall! well, almost. we have our heat on though and im wearing snuggle socks...so it feels like fall :)
and yeah, im hurting. but you see that smiley? thats me. in a minute ill get out of bed, get ready for the day, put on my make up and put on my smile.
ik that makes me sound fake. but, in my defense, i have to go to work. its not appropriate to go feeling like i am.
and they say if you pretend something long enough you can actually make yourself believe it.
so yeah, imma go enjoy fall today. imma go make some money to save for the school no one thinks im smart enough to go to, imma do all of my double course work and the pre ACT because im behind, but im willing to work to catch up.
but does anyone see this? nope.
it kills me to know no.one. believes in me.
but i can use that to drive me.
"I do it because i can, i can because i want to, i want to because you said i couldn't."

ive completely lost all my ability to hope for things.
im cold, my mind is numb, i have no enthusiasm for the day...
and senior year is SO.CRITICAL.
especially MY senior year. cuz i have a LOTTTTTT of catching up to do before i can even *think* bout going to school. BUT, oh wait, thats right, i have to catch up AND figure out school.
:/ and now im scared. im scared for my future.
im scared...you wont be in it.< /3
im scared you wont WANT to be in it.
"im the person everyone replaces after a while"
and its true. and i could accept it. but that would mean that i would know the relationship is temporary and i would NOT let myself get involved would NOT let my heart get attached...
but thats just not how i operate. you love me you get all of me.
in this case, you get every bit of my past, you get every secret, every mistake.
you know EVERYTHING. i have never had someone know me like this. and ive never known someone like you've let me know you. i also know that im the first. because i know no one else knows you like i do.
all of this should be reassuring.
you are always there for me, ask me whats up, tell me you care...
and i hold.back. cuz i don't wanna scare you off or freak you out. but i have heard from people that that is my mistake. i hold back. maybe you want me to open up more, like this summer. gosh i don't know. i wish i could go back, wish WE could go back, but ill look straight ahead. no need to hurt myself with useless day dreams...

*low whistle*
its amazing how quickly your life can spiral out of control, and you don't even realize it!
wow. and its looking like a lot of the bad choices i have been making...well, started by making a bad choice.
with what i played through my headphones and speakers.


so im listening to Skillet right now. my FAVORITE Christian band. period.
and ALL i will be listening to, for the next 2 weeks, is Christian music. because today as i sat and listened to a song i KNEW i shouldn't have been listening to, i could feel God telling me that this wasn't right. i turned off the song but i still felt really bad. 
and no, i don't think listening to Christian music for the next 2 weeks somehow "makes up for" my bad choices. i went right to God and asked His forgiveness and His help in changing. 
But i know that to be serious about changing, the right thing for me to do is to completely get rid of the problem. quitting cold turkey. seems to be the method that works best for me anyways :) 
if you're reading this, could you please pray for me? im just sayin, im gonna miss my old music...lol i know this isn't gonna be easy. but, its been a year of change for me and so far i don't regret a SINGLE change God has helped me make. He really does know best, and im trusting Him on this one ♥

Ahhh!!! Thank. You. God!! honestly i don't know WHY i doubt that You will come through for me sometimes. Gosh... :))
and yeah, in a couple days or maybe even hours, i could slip right back in to feeling lonely and on the brink of us breaking...i might over think things again and blow them out of proportion...
but right now, i feel AMAZING! <3
WE.ARE.GONNA.MAKE.IT.THROUGH.THIS.TOGETHER.<3
all 3 of us :) finally, i can look at a 3 and smile...its...been awhile...♥