"please take down the mistletoe, cuz i don't wanna think about that right now, cuz everything i want, is miles away, in a snow covered little town..." ♥ ♥ ♥

"turns out freedom ain't nothin but missin you.." ♥

i have got to stop holding on sooo tight...
because all it does is hurt me. and i am so so sick of getting hurt. so sick.
i can't take this and yet i need you....


so i put up with it.
nobody knows how much i need you. in fact, i don't even think you know.
maybe i don't even know. but the point is...i need you. 
sometime i wonder how you feel about me. sometimes i wish i wouldn't fall so hard, so fast.
but its who i am. and most of the time i love it...but then those times that i fall expecting someone to catch me, and fall flat on my face instead...its those times i kinda wish i had a different personality...♥ 

"it's never too late to get it back..."

but this time...it might be.
i might have actually messed it up to the point of being forever broken...and i am so..so sorry.


"your guard is up, and i know why, because the last time, you saw me, is still burned in the back of your mind...."





i'm so. so. so sorry.


and that's all i got. i know there is nothing i can say....to change this. but i know i needed to say that. please forgive me. please let me move on. please let go of my heart, because all you're doing is breaking it further.


the problem: you don't even know you have my heart...


"i'd go back in time and change it but i can't, so if the chain is on your door....i understand..."

"so i'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes, all that i know is i don't know, how to be something you miss"

will i ever, EVER be perfect enough?!?! i think not. i feel like...i keep messing up and i keep falling short. and i am so confused. i don't even know where i stand at this moment. so how could i possibly figure out someone else?  
"you are an expert, at sorry, and keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing your tests..."
maybe...maybe i am so sick of wondering. i want to......arghhhhhh!!!!!!
what i want is for you to come here....and YELL AT ME!!! i really do. tell me i am wrong. tell me to get a grip. grab me by the shoulders and make me look you in the eye. make me listen to you. and say...everything. just be mad at me. just for once. 


because i am sick of being mad at myself. i am sick of my shortcomings...and i am sick of hating myself for loving you, when it seems you couldn't care LESS!! 

if i could even hear you say that you love me, the way i love you...my dreams wouldn't HAVE to be the thing that keeps you alive. if i just knew you loved me.

if i just knew IF you loved me

i feel....like if you were here...

i could stop falling apart.

....i'd really like to stop falling apart.

"you can't grow old...with a beautiful idea

"im feelin like a star, you can't stop my shine, i'm lovin cloud nine, my head's in the sky, i'm solo, ridin solo...." <3
i AM alone. i am by myself but...maybe that's not a bad thing, i mean, i am only like dying without you here, but there has got to be a way to make this work. because you are not here, i am not there, blah blah blah...i've only said this stuff like 6,000,000,000 times!! 
maybe i need to embrace the fact that i am single...ridin solo.


 i miss you.


did you know that?? yea, well i do. i have been thinking lately, and i am almost glad that i haven't seen you in a while, cuz lately i feel like if i did see you...i'd have to tell you. i'm not sure i could keep it in...given the opportunity to let it out. 
ahhhhhhh, do you even know...what you do to me? how much it hurts being without you? and maybe...all this time i have devoted to dreaming about you and maybe i have wrecked it. because maybe when i see you again, you won't be everything i remembered. maybe i have dreamed up a completely new, perfect and unrealistic person...and just given him your name. these sun rays...piercing through my window...and being without you...piercing through my heart. 
i miss you like crazy, but can anybody tell me, if i am really missing you? or am i missing, instead, what i made you out to be..? is it really you i love? is it really you that i want to love me? or am i simply in love with the idea? "you can't grow old, with a beautiful idea" 
wow.
do i want to be loved so desperately...or do i love you?? why can't i even tell?? argh! this only irritates me LIKE CRAZY!!!


i love...you...?  <3

Blank It Out!!!

this is probably one of my favorite songs ever that i wrote <3 its a song written from quite a few different angles, and includes some real things that happen almost exactly as described. it is written with a certain person in mind...of course ;) anyways, i just wanted to share this and...let me know what you think? :) thanks! ~Momo <3

Blank It Out

theres not a day that passes by that i dont think about you

i still apologize to the silence whenever i do

i look in the mirror and all i see

isn't the beautiful girl that i used to be

i see the girl that left you out in the cold

i see the girl that broke your heart that was whole

i walk outside the wind hits my face

and i flash back for the second time today

to last december we walked these streets 

i was freezing and you gave your sweatshirt to me

that left you bare armed in the crisp december air

i pointed that out, you said you didn't care

if i was warm that's all that mattered

you were the best boyfriend i've ever had

i wish i could've captured the look on your face when i told you this wasn't working out

i wish i had it stored somewhere so i could blank it out….

why'd you have go and be so perfect

how i was the one that had to ruin it

and you were there every second you never let me down

and i know i crushed you…but you never made a sound

i say i can't reminisce

but you don't seem to get it

you take me back

make me look at that….again

when summer came around

we were messin around

and you grabbed the garden hose

i ran around screamin "no!!"

yet, relentlessly

you sprayed me

and we fell to the ground

laughin aloud

you whispered something bout missin me and how it felt

you just can't see i wanna blank it out

i get up and scream

im so so sorry

i wish i had a picture

i'd throw it in the fire

and smile as i watched it burn

but even though the trace is gone

that doesn't change what i did wrong

your memory still screams 'when will you ever learn???'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~musical breakdown~~~~~~~~~~~~

yet your silence is blatant

you look me in the eyes and i wish you wouldn't

just yell, scream

do something

don't sit there and look at me

c'mon, come and hurt me….

but you keep your silence,

i say, "do you know how much i'm hurting"

and stunned by your answer i step back

you say "i sure do, i know all about that…."

and then im beggin, 

down on my knees and everything

let's move on, now, and forget about

baby join me and let's blank it out…..<3

thanks for checkin this out and if ya wanna let me know what you think?? :) haha, thanks! Love, MoMo :)

no one could ever be you

when things hit me they hit me deep into my soul

and i hafta say this feels, like a really cruel joke

i was prayin so hard, and he seemed fine

i guess i got my hopes up, just way too high

i know You didn't lead me wrong

i know i took Your Words and twisted them around

i just wanted to believe the best

so i just took the good and threw away the rest

i dont see, another way out

i just dont wanna live without

you cant you see

and i know what i know but that dont make it easy

this is driving me crazy

i love you more than words can say…

i don't want anyone the way i want you

baby no one could ever be you

my life likes to repeat

especially things that were hard for me

and ive been crying tears like heavy rain

my heart feels like a hurricane

and any move i make

could seal your fate

messed up thinking i know

but im quickly runnin outta hope

and i still have faith

you never know what might change

there i go again fantasizing

reality i know thats not right

but

i wanna believe the best

so i just took the good and threw away the rest

i dont see, another way out

i just dont wanna live without

you cant you see

and i know what i know but that dont make it easy

this is driving me crazy

i love you more than words can say…

i dont want anybody the way i want you

baby no one..could ever be you

words cant say…how i feel about you

i cant see me…movin on without you

dont think for a second

i wont miss you everyday

im tryin not to get upset

but the tears give way

didnt want you to see me like this but at least you know

i still love you now and i wont..ever..let you go…!

baby i believe the best

so i took all the good, baby left all the rest

i sit here feelin so helpless

and i dont want, anyone else

i just don't see the use, 

because baby no one could be you… <3 

im gonna miss you. i love you...always <3

"drop everything now, meet me in the pourin rain..."

i imagine you…like all the time. somedays, there's hardly a moment passes that you're not on my mind.

and im a busy girl. i have things to do..and yet…you always seem to find a way to distract me.

but i like it. i'd be lying to say that i don't. 

i miss you like crazy. i imagine you here with me sometimes. and that eases the pain…a little. but sometimes its so intense…i can hardly stand it.

"how did we, ever come to this? i never thought you'd be, someone i had to miss.." i took for granted all the time we had together. and now you're not here..and i cant be there..*sigh.

this is quite a mess, is it not? but i am smiling even saying this, thinking that a mess with you would be better than perfection alone. 

maybe im crazy. 

wouldn't surprise me ;)

wow…but you see, the funny thing, is that i can change none of this. i wish i could. i often long for the days we will be together forever and i will never have to miss you. 

and who is to say that it will ever go like that, but i dream. i am a dreamer by nature. and you are my passion. one of em, anyways ;) haha, i wish…

i wish you were here.

i wish you were close to me.

i wish you understood..my sarcasm.

i wish you knew how much i love you.

wow, it scares me to think that you might not love me! i just thought about how i feel for you, and then pictured you sitting in your country home…what if you don't love me?? why did even that thought scare me so much?

maybe it has to do with wanting one thing…one person that loves me unconditionally. oh, i know my Jesus does. but i guess i always imagined you loving me that way too. "not in spite of, but because of, your flaws…" <3

love. you. me. together. there's just no other way… <3

"I'm comin home..."

ok, so i am feeling better, compared to the last post...just tired of being second best, i guess...really tired.


but life is life and you just gotta deal.. 


i really am happy...just tired sometimes...worn out. ragged. i need to go Home. i need to fall into His arms. i can feel Him telling me that the way to do this is to open my Bible.. i wonder why i never listen..?? 
but, right here, i am making a pledge. 


for the next week, i promise to spend at least 15 minutes in the Word, daily <3




Daddy...i'm coming home :)

what else is there to say...?

i'm losing it...losing faith...simple as that...

"there's no lookin back, i took off my rearview..."

haha, i just realized it is now november :) its so crazy to think that there is only 2 more months of this year left! less than 60 days away from the end of 2010!! it scares me a little. to think that another year of my life has passed me by, basically. i haven't done a dang thing to make a difference. i made like 30 some new years resolutions this year and i don't think i stuck to a single one. my life is spinning out of control and i am just now stopping to realize this.

or maybe i am just blowing things out of proportion...again. maybe i really do have everything under control.

and maybe i'd be lying to say that.

the truth is,  i have no control.

and i haven't put Him in control either. 

what do i do?? how do i get my life on the track i so desperately want it to be?? i have been trying to get to youth group at my new church. but as it turns out, both times i have gotten up early to go, they weren't having it. why is it that even when i want my life to be on track, i can't seem to get it there??? 

Second Chance

fall leaves fallin and crunching under my feet every step i take

i'd walk 150 miles to come see you if  i knew what difference it would make

but ill tell the truth im scared to see you

just when i think ive done all the damage i could possibly do

broken every heart that stood in my path

i had to get to you no matter the cost

when i lay down tonight to reminisce, ashamed im sure ill be

i remember standin in front of you 

next thing i know we're screamin

i'd have slapped me if i were you

lookin back now i almost wish you wouldn't have just taken it like the man you are

sure that proved nobility i'd be lying to say you dont have the purest heart

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

i know i might not get a second chance this time

2 years of workin up the nerve 

ruined in 2 minutes of hate laced words

i pulled you on the bridge stepped off and broke it to pieces

let you fall into the chasm as i stood watchin

i know what i did was unforgiveable

if i had the chance for a do over

do you think i'd take it

no, now you think i hate you

baby i know i made you think that

it takes a lot of nerve comin back

if you wanna yell thats fine

i deserve it i wont wimp out this time

i tell you say what you need to but you dont say anything at all

and i realize thats cuz i ran away before you even had a chance to even process it all

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one  who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

i know i might not get a second chance this time

i dont deserve it i know

i dont deserve nothin from you at all

baby… i'll cry but that wont ever be enough

i could so many tears id create a flood

but that would just sweep you away

you'd probably drown lookin at my face

and once again i'd be the death of you

and you'd die never knowin the truth

as it stands you still dont know

you let me yell and then you let me go

and that is all my fault 

i took this way too far

and…im sorry

those 2 words never seemed so heavy

i carried them all this way just to say to you baby

but i'd do it all again

i'd do anything just to be forgiven

but you say "you already did enough"

then you slam the door to your house

and im left alone again still hatin myself for what i did to you

im not askin you to love me cuz that i have no place to do

i just want you to know how much im sorry

and i miss you every day more and more

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one  who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

baby, i know i don't deserve a second chance this time

<3

"come on, come on, don't leave me like this, i thought i had you figured out!!"

"you and i walk a fragile line, i have known it all this time, never ever thought i'd see it break...."

how could he know? how could he have any idea? and how is this possibly fair? 

yea, maybe i am blowing this waaaaay outta proportion. maybe. it would be typical of me. i need to get away. i need to think about this. i'm remembering last year. it was a few days before Christmas actually. i wrote some songs. haha, surprised?? 

but i remember how i felt. and suddenly, this is all just washing over me again. all those horrible feelings. i was scared and confused....how do you feel? do you even know? do you have any idea that your whole world might just fall apart...at any second…?

i wanna go sit on the swing in the park. pull my sweatshirt close but still be shivering. because, shivering, you feel more….literally. and i wish you were here so i could hug you. i just wish…i wish you knew i am here for you………i wish i could be here for you. i wish you were here…

it cant end like this. i thought they had it all so right. but you were never a stupid boy. i know you can see what is going on. better than i can, for sure, cuz i ain't even there. but…its like i can see it. and everybody was laughing tonight. i didn't see the hilarity. its not funny. not when its happening to you, not when its happening to anyone. or even has the chance of happening….especially someone close to you… . its just not funny and i know you know it. it hurts. hurts like nothing else can hurt. this is more than the scraped up knee that was a result of learning to ride your bike. this is life. and it likes to hit you hard.

a million and one, reasons why, when you deserve none, all you ever gave me was lies,

its been a while since my last post...but fear not, for i have been writing... :)
haha. and i have been listening to taylor swift obsessively!! i absolutely adore her music! :)
but i think the reason i havent been writing much is maybe because i am just feeling too much all at once..? maybe..? "but i took your matches, before fire could catch, so don't look mad..." <3 ahhh, i just love randomly quoting taylor :P "dear john, i see it all now that you're gone, don't you think i was too young to be messed with, the girl in the dress cried the whole way home, you should've known..."
beautiful song :)
but anyways, back to my excuse...er, explanation for being awol lately...
i guess i am just feeling like a million and one things at once, and then again, i am feeling nothing because i can't. sometimes you just really feel like you have so much to feel...that you just...can't feel anymore....does this make any sense?? this is another reason i havent been posting much...i am feeling so much...if i tried to explain it, it would probably just come out in one great big jumbled mess....

"i just want...somebody to love me..."

i am just not letting myself feel right now. that's what this emptiness is, i think. i feel lonely, again. but saying that makes me feel like a broken record and i wanna scream at myself. this is...i am, so redundant!! argh! but what can i do about it? how does one change the circumstances they are given?? some are changeable, yes, but not all. and not this one. nothing i do can change this...except for maybe throwing myself at a guy. and even that i dont think would work. it wouldnt fill the hole inside me, only cover it or mask it temporarily. "Scared to let someone in, can't bear to get hurt again, but my body needs to feel a touch, someone come and wake me up..." yea, at one point i was scared. but now, i am simply desperate. sad, to look at that and know it is the honest truth. maybe this is why, for a season, i hid from the truth. because reality is ugly. my life looks so much more beautiful through fairytale tainted eyes.  i need someone. this is nothing new. something the season does, over and over again. its like, no fail. it never doesnt happen; that fall and winter visit and i feel lonely...never fails. love is only heartbreaking when its gone. it can be beautiful but at the same time...so destructive....<3