i am sorry, just so you know...i know these words will never be enough, but they're all i've got...

"your guard is up and i know why
because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind
you gave me roses, and i left them there to die
so this is me swallowin my pride standin front of you sayin im sorry for that night
and i go back to december all the time..."

how perfect. how true. can i say i'm sorry? i have a tendency to mess things up with everyone close to me everyone i care about. how that rings true again. and i dont have the time to get into this. i hate that but i dont. i have places to be things to do and...im sorry. i'll leave you with that but know i never wanted to leave you with anything...i never wanted to leave you at all..

it's coming together, i can see it right in front of me :)

haha, ok so first let me say i realize most of my October posts have been song lyrics. haha, i apologize for that! there's been some exciting things happening in my life. i am..well, excited! i have really just had like, a change of heart. i can feel it. i can see it in the new way i see everything. in the way i am just happier, and more accepting of the way things are...<3 i am in love!! with the One who will never change His mind :)  i'm really not in the mood for a stupid superficial relationship right now. i mean, i'd like a real, meaningful, lasting one, but...its like, for the first time in a long time, my life feels full enough to not need someone. i have my Bestest Friend, my family, and several other great people in my life... :)

and i am about to make a difference. er, rather, He is about to make a difference. using me. or so it looks. 

but i have a fear (ok, maybe more than one!) and i will admit it to you. i am afraid that after all of this, its never gonna happen. nothing will ever happen. that just seems to be the pattern my life takes...maybe i need to do something... maybe nothing ever happens because i let it not happen...hmmm.... all i know is i am, if i may be real honest for a second, i am really sick of getting my hopes up, a plan drawn out...only to surrender before the war even starts. but even as i am typing this i can hear something telling me that maybe the reason those plans never worked cuz they weren't supposed to. maybe if i would stop making my own plans, step back from the drawing board and hand Him the marker, maybe i would get somewhere. i think i get it....

"to get anywhere in life, sometimes you gotta try.." and sometimes you gotta let go. stop trying to make things work and just let it be. let Him lead. <3

Back To December- Taylor Swift

"I'm so glad you made time to see me 

How's life tell me how's your family, 

I haven't seen them in a while, 

You've been good, busier than ever, 

Small talk work and the weather

Your guard is up and I know why, 

Because the last time you saw me,

Still burned in the back of your mind, 

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night 

And I go back to December all the time.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and make it all right,

I go back to December all the time

These days i haven't been sleeping, 

Staying up playing back myself leaving, 

When your birthday passed and I didn't call,

And I think about summer all the beautiful times 

I watched you laughing from the passenger side

And realized i loved you in the fall,

And then the cold came

the dark days when fear crept into my mind,

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night 

And i go back to December all the time. 

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, 

Wishing I'd realized what i had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and change my own mind,

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin,

Your sweet smile,

So good to me, so right, 

And how you held me in your arms that September night 

The first time you ever saw me cry, 

Maybe this is wishful thinking, 

Probably mindless dreaming,

But if we loved again i swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but i can't, 

So if the chain is on your door i understand

But this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying im sorry for that night 

And i go back to December. 

It turns out freedom aint nothing but missing you, 

Wishing I'd realized what i had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and make it all right, 

I go back to December turn around and change my own mind, 

I go back to December all the time

All the time..."

my heart. right there. speaks volumes. and i couldn't tell you exactly why right now, but i love it and i'm gonna go figure out how to play it :)

God is so good. sometimes we overlook that. but today it's jumpin in my face :)

can i just say i LOVE God?? yea, cuz i do! i love seeing a plan come together. it feels unexplainably great to not have to do all the work. to really not have to do anything at all!! things are working out in a way that i could've never dreamed. <3 it's all just so crazy! i have been praying that God would just use me...and i really feel like He is about to!! ahhhhh! :D i am sooo happy if you couldn't tell! and, yes, in case you were wondering, a smallish part of me is still holding on to my dream. i would be lying to say that i'm not still wishing. but... like i'm content too. does that make sense?

"I wanna set the world on fire"

ok…so this is real huh? its funny. i am reading Corrie Ten Boom and my mind just keeps getting images. in the things she says, the things she does. and God…i know this isn't gonna be easy. her life certainly wasn't! …but they're worth it, aren't they? i can see it now!! things are always more real to me when i can actually see it. like in pictures and everything in my mind

"i wanna set the world on fire, till its burnin bright for you, its everything that i desire, can i be the one You use..? i, i am small but, You, You are big enough, I, I am weak but You, You are strong enough to, take my dreams, come and give them wings…Lord with You, there's nothing i can't do….i wanna feed the hungry children, and reach across the farthest land, and tell the broken there is healing, and mercy in the Father's Hands…" <3

i want to change people's lives. but anyone that knows me, knows that i have this massive music dream… but how would following that dream help anyone?? how would that make difference in ANYone's world?? yea…i don't know either…

well, ive got more to say, so i'll be back after school <3

"a pickup, some love, and an old country road for the night...."

crank up that radio.                   (chorus)
let your heartache go
baby lets not feel anything tonight
it's just you and i
and we've got, all the time in the world
or till the sun comes up
just a country boy and a country girl
tryin to sort things out
but i've found all you need sometimes
is a pickup, some love, and an old country road for the night

forget about the past
let's just make tonight last
as long as we can
i'm not sure i'll ever get to feel like this again
oh oh
the moon is high
those stars are dancin in the sky
and its just you and i
out here tonight

-chorus-

i'll bring my guitar
play under the stars
we'll sing a sweet melody
about life and love and losing
and when we're ready to let go
let the past leave us alone
 we'll crank that radio, oh whoa oh...

-chorus-

inspirations runnin high tonight
feelin so full i'm lovin life
let my hair down and i know
i ain't gotta, put on a show
his guitar and my voice
blendin together with the country noise....

-chorus-

haha, and yes, this song sprung from the title of the last post :P

all i need is a pickup, some love, and an old country road...

can i just take a minute and say, i am so blessed! just take a moment...and just breathe :)
the sun shining on my face, love all around me. i know my life is so much more than i could've ever created for myself. i know Someone is definitely at work here :)
i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't know where to go from here but i know that in time i will understand. i know that He will point it out to me in His perfect timing. i am confused, and yet, at complete peace.

"take a moment
just breathe
take a look around
tell me what do you see
imperfections
make us who we are
new directions
just follow your heart

take a look around
you got your head in the clouds
feet so far from the ground
everything you see
everything you can be
don't let your future pass you by baby
life isn't easy
thats half the fun
hard, work's all it took to
get the job done
something to work for
makes it worth all the pain
it took to get there
and it doesn't matter if you forget to look there
's potential, everywhere

your dream
hold it in your hand
and let it go
whenever you get the chance
don't hide it away
you'll never get anywhere
if you don't open up your heart
if you ain't willin to share!

-chorus-

drop down
fall now
and then pick yourself up
don't expect perfect results
the first try
you know as well as i
it takes a lot
how much is it worth to you...??

-chorus-

there's potential, everywhere, baby, you'll see, it if you just open....your heart...." <3

Hopeless Love

so there is a million great opportunities.
so i sit in church thinking, "this is it! i want to do this. this is my calling. i am finally gonna make a difference!".
but i walk out...and go back to exactly what i was doing before...
nothing.
so i am inexperienced in a lot of ways.
so i am young, and still have a lot to learn.
does that mean i should sit around and do nothing?!? I think not!
where do my passions lie? Teens. people just like me. girls. i really have a heart for teenage girls. pregnancies, eating disorders, family issues, just TOUGH STUFF!! life isn't easy. i know that. im not pretending it is. this is one part of reality i will face, because SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE!! we can't all just sit by and blindly play along. who on earth is that helping?!
do you think that girl planned on getting pregnant at 17? some might argue that it was her choices that got to that point (most likely), and therefore the consequence she must deal with. and that is true. but...i don't care! i don't!  what is the point in being mad at her? what does it help to point out where she fell short? do you think she can't see that? and don't even get me started on the people that try to influence her to "take care of the 'problem'". seriously????? argh! i can't...i just can't stand that!
why do i always gravitate towards the teen pregnancy thing? i don't know really. that is one area i have absolutely NO experience, seeing as how i've never even dated a guy! but...it is important to me. i feel like God has really laid it on my heart. i really care for these girls. alone, broken, confused, hurt, scared... feeling like the have no options. other than the "easy way out", which, when you think about it, really isn't that easy after all.

"Innocence lost,
what a tragic thought
hopeless and confused
what if that was you
friendless and alone
with nowhere to go
wouldn't you want to know

-chorus-
Doesn't anyone care
is there anyone there
or am i just alone
where did everyone go
when did my life become such a mess
you know this mistake sure feels like a stain...
on the wedding dress

why can i still feel your hand
why did you say you'd be here when you obviously can't
why did you promise me
a life filled with comfort and safety
you told me to close my eyes and fall you'd catch me
it was when i hit the ground i knew you were lying
and i am ever so slowly dying
and i
i
-repeat chorus-

my believing in you
gave me reasoning to
give up my beliefs
give up my security
i feel into doing
things i really knew
were wrong
but you kept saying you loved me all along
but now when i look in the mirror
know i'm not beautiful like you told me
you only said what you thought i wanted to hear
or maybe it's true but why should i believe
knowing you only said it
to get me in bed it
doesn't mean that much to me anymore
and i just wish i could do over what we did before..."

speak the truth? or am i way off base...?

when you can't speak love, cuz there's nothing left to speak of

"i guess you really did it this time, left yourself in your warpath, lost your balance on a tightrope, lost your mind tryin to get it back, wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days, always a bigger bed to crawl into, wasn't it beautiful, when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you...?"

do you ever feel like you have messed up, to the point where you've just gone too far? like, there is no way to back up now. no way out. it's time to face the music. and for the first time in your life, you really wish you were 5 years old again. or maybe it's not the first time you've wished that. maybe you live your life wishing you didn't have to. living on the outside, dying on the inside. maybe you know someone like this. maybe you are like this. close your eyes. that's your fix all.

"who you are is not where you've been,

you're still an innocent...

who you are is not what you did,

you're still an innocent..."

i just found this new taylor swift song on youtube. rumored to be on her new album, and i hope it is. it touches me in a special way. listen to it! its good.

and its the truth.

nothing has the right to define you. except God. 

but what defines you, who defines you, when you don't know God? how hopeless does your situation feel to you? are you a Christian? can you imagine, if you as a  Christian feel this much pain, feel this hopeless, can you imagine how someone who doesn't know Jesus feels? how much more hopeless are they gonna feel? how much more hopeless do they feel? 

people say its ok. people say time will heal. people lie. 

"time turns flames to embers..."

there are somethings time can fix. but there are somethings time can never ever fix. only God can heal some hurts. and maybe in time you get over a lot of things, but...maybe they never really heal. you can only put on so many band-aids. and then there's some hurts, some wounds, that are too big and too deep to just be fixed with a band-aid. you break an arm, are you just gonna slap on a band-aid and call it fixed? no! so then why do we do that in life? 

"there's somethings you cant speak of, but tonight you live it all again, you wouldn't be shattered on the floor now, if only you would see what you know now then..."

life is hard. and anyone that tells you different is lying. lying to you, and, most likely, to themselves too. that makes life easier, or at least appear easier, to lie to yourself. but it catches up with you, eventually. it catches up to you and then...you can only run for so long. you are gonna get tired. you'll run out of energy, patience. you just get sick of the whole scene. "how much more of this can i take?!" you ask; yourself, God, anyone listening. how much more hopeless is the same situation, removing God? granted, when you're in this place, you may feel like God isn't there anyways. you might be questioning whether He ever was there. Or if He was simply a fairytale. something that comforted you and made you feel better, when the problem was small, but when your problem becomes to big for fairytales, when you hit that wall and you finally have to face reality, you might feel like God is nowhere to be found. you might feel like He must have just been one of those things, there only in your mind. on better days you know better. but what about those people that don't know better? what about, no matter how happy their life might be right now, they still don't know better? what about those people that, in the middle of their darkness, can't even grasp that small fragment of Light that they knew was there once upon a time, because it was never there? or better put, they never knew it was there. 

yes, in the middle of your darkness you start to question. but God is still there. just because you can't see Him, it's usually because we don't want to see Him. which sounds stupid...till you're there. it sounds stupid because you think, right now, that if you were ever in that place, that you would NEED God, so much more than ever before. and thats true. but...when you get to that place sometimes you tell yourself that God was what got you into this mess and you can get yourself out, thank you very much. you listen as the enemy, the one who loves to see you suffer, whispers death in your ear. he tells you that God messed you up. drug you all the way out here just to leave you alone to die. lies. its all lies. but we don't always see that. not right away, anyways. 

what if you can't forgive yourself. "there's somethings you can't speak of, but tonight you live it all again.." you have messed up waaaay too much. no one could ever love you. heck, you don't even love you. its crazy. it hurts. its stupid and its messed up but...that doesn't stop us. how on earth can you ever love someone else or even receive love, if you hate yourself?! this makes me the saddest. its one thing to be lost and broken and confused and yet reaching out...and a completely different thing to hate yourself. because thats it. thats the end, in a sense. at least when you are searching and reaching for something, you are wanting God to come in, intervene and save you. and when you give Him permission to completely come in and give Him complete control, He will! but when you shut yourself off because you hate yourself and feel like you can never forgive yourself, and you feel therefore no one else can love or forgive you....it breaks my heart. i know yours is broken too. i hate this. it is the worst feeling in the world, to know you will never measure up. no one will ever love you. and no one can because you don't even love yourself. no one but God. and He can change your heart, so eventually you might come around and learn to love yourself and forgive yourself, the way He does. but...what about the girl that doesn't know God? she hates herself, no one can love her cuz she pushes everyone away. she doesn't even know about God! where is her life headed? where is yours headed? do you read something like this, shake your head, cry a tear or two, but walk away going, "that's deep. that's sad. but thankfully i've got all my priorities straight. Jesus is my best friend. my life is great and God is right at the center!"?  do you walk away thinking that? maybe that is true for you. if it is, i am so happy for you! good for you! but thats not the end. you can't just walk away!! you read all of this, now you have to do something. make a difference. look outside yourself. challenge yourself. change someone's life. love them even when they don't love themselves. "be the change you want to see in the world." i heard that somewhere. don't pass that off as someone else's job. don't say you can't do it. be brave, take a chance, and make the difference. there are people out there hurting right now, more than you can even imagine. and if you've hurt, use that! grab onto that and use that to help someone else. sometimes an "i've been there" is all it takes to start healing. isn't someone worth it? wouldn't you have wanted someone to reach out to you when you were hurting? and if someone did, don't you think you should pay it forward? think about it...

"Speak Now" before you lose your chance

love. love. love. love.

i could say this a thousand times and still wouldn't get sick of it. i see you everywhere :) all through the changing season, i see you. i smell you. ahhhh… i cannot explain. <3 love, it's a crazy thing. sunshine, happiness, leaves on the ground, bright blue sky…never ending :) i wish i was with you. but baby…i don't wanna come to you. i know you don't understand, but i don't wanna come and see you. i mean, i do, i do wanna see you. i love your country home. i love riding on the back of your four-wheeler <3 that is love.  you are love..we, we are love! 

"I love you and that won't change..."

step across the line

take a chance its time

to get anywhere in life

you're gonna haftta try

you don't know where this will take you 

but its sure enough gonna take you somewhere 

and it doesnt matter  how long it takes to find it

just so you find it

oh, you couldn't know

the places that i've gone

the steps i've had to take

to find out where i belong

its taken me so long

to open my eyes and say

i love you and that wont change

forever we will be

together eternally

oh oh

;life isn't easy

no one said it be

if they did they were lying

cuz life's full of trials

oh

take the easy way out

and you are gonna find out

the grass thats greener on the other side

didn't get that green overnight

success has to be earned

otherwise success has no worth

baby

you couldn't know

the places that i've gone

the steps i've had to take

to find out where i belong

its taken me so long

to open my eyes and say

i love you and that wont change

forever we will be

together eternally

oh oh

can you take this chance

baby don't let it pass

with it i will go

i wont wait forever you know

oh and you couldn't understand

the places that i've gone

the steps i've had to take

to find out where i belong

its taken me so long

to open my eyes and say

i love you and that wont change

forever we will be

together eternally

oh oh 

Goodbye's Long Overdue

i know where i'm supposed to be

but that doesn't mean it's easy for me

to leave you behind

the love of my life

but i gotta go

you and i both know

i'm not where i belong

i'd only be stayin for you and i know thats wrong

i'm runnin away

that took guts to say

but ive already stayed too long

i know my welcome is so gone

this goodbye's long overdue

hope ya know it hurts leaving  you

hold your hand for the last time

these memories i have of you are all mine

a kiss on your cheek and i'm gone

i wouldn't give this up for anyone

if it wasn't so important for me to go

i'd still be there with you but you know

that's not where i belong

i'd only be stayin for you and i know thats wrong

i'm runnin away

that took guts to say

but ive already stayed too long

i know my welcome is so gone

this goodbye's long overdue

hope ya know it hurts leaving  you

the highway never seemed so long

this road just seems to keep goin on

the passenger seat never looked so lonely

i hope you know i miss you baby

i wish i could stay with you

i wish it would be okay for me to

but i have to go

baby you and i both know

that's not where i belong

i'd have only been staying for you and i know that's wrong

i'm on the free road today

and that hurts to say

baby i stayed there for way too long

i know my welcome is so gone

it's time for me to leave you

this goodbye's long overdue

i just hope you know...i never wanted to leave you.../end

A Glimpse of Happiness

there is something about fall that makes me happy...actually i think it's mostly just the changing season. and i can say that this is not where i wanna be. that there is a place that would make me even happier, but i won't...not now anyways. i just wanna say that, for a moment in time, i am happy. and this might be taken away tomorrow, it might even be taken away in the next minute. but, while its here, i will choose to embrace it and enjoy it...i realize that this post is probably not gonna be as long winded as my sad, heartfelt posts. there is a lot more to say in those, plus there is usually an issue or emotion i need to work through. but happiness just is. :) i can just be happy, no questions asked. 
i got new bedding today! aren't you so excited for me? ;) haha. its fall. my mama is making amazing pumpkin desserts, frosted bars and pumpkin fluff :) ahhh...so refreshing. so comforting. this is love. 
if you couldn't tell from my last post, there's been some drama lately. it happened last night and i was so angry, i could feel my blood boiling. like, literally. i was sitting there just shaking. you know...sometimes i make way too big a deal outta things...i blow them out of proportion. or anyways, my heart does. i rarely deal with things rationally. that's just the way i am. 
but i got it all out last night. the game is over. and so i am just letting it go. i don't see the point in dragging this out any longer than it has already gone on.it went on for way too long and so i am not gonna let my heart drag this out too. 
i am happy today, in part, because i choose to be. i am just shutting up everything negative and just breathing. and being happy. i am in love today. with the One that captivates me and will never leave me.
i started a new devo today. i couldn't tell you the last time i had one of those, or at least, one i did! i found my Bible today too. i am ashamed to admit it, but i did not know where that was for a while... :/ i'm coming around. i know its what i want. and when i want something i am pretty good at pushing myself to get it..to some degree...but i also have God on my side here because this is what HE wants as well. i know it is and so i know He is rooting for me. I know He is waiting for me to come to Him. <3
i am happy because of Him. Happiness is a choice. everyday we must choose to either fall into all the negativity in our lives, or we can choose to see the glass as half full. maybe, somedays, we can completely overlook the glass and just see the world, see Him...and i hope it makes us smile. and if it doesn't, then maybe there is something we need to do about that. God made this world for us to enjoy. we shouldn't always have to resort to fairytales and dreamworlds to see a happy place. our world, the world our Daddy made for us, should make us smile. and if it doesn't, then i think we need to change that. and maybe changing the world starts with changing your attitude. try it. even if it doesn't work, what have you got to lose...? :)

this is all i can do, maybe i should be sorry but i just can't right now

i'm holdin on your rope got me ten feet off the ground
and im hearin what ya say but i just cant make a sound
you tell me that you need me and then you go and cut me down but wait
you tell me that you're sorry, didn't think id turn around and say

i'd take another chance take a fall take a shot for you
and i need you like a heart needs a beat but its nothing new
i loved you with a fire red now its turnin blue
and you say you're sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you

it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, yea
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late


its just too late, ok? you have been playing your games for so long, i can't believe i didnt see this until now. and the funniest thing is all i thought you were...was everything you wanted me to. you didn't want me to see this side of you. you put on your mask and you think that disguises how ugly you really are on the inside. and for the longest time, i believed that. i fell for it. i trusted you. but now i see your true colors. and i hate it. there is not words enough that i can say to explain how badly you messed things up.
i love the way you tell me you love me and you will miss me. like i ever really meant something to you. because i know i didn't. i know i didn't because if someone means something to you, you treat them with respect. i thoughts as Christians we were allowed to call each other out on things. you act like you are the perfect Christian. but that message you sent me last night, was anything but. the way you spoke to her and the way you allowed him to speak to her, was anything but Christian. and i am not saying this is all your fault. but, contrary to what you believe, or at least what you tell yourself, you did play a part in this. can you even see it? well, i know that you know it. it's funny how quickly someone can become hurtful once they are exposed. you know that i know who you are now, so why continue pretending. you play the victim, like you were the one getting hurt this whole time. when, in reality, although that may be true, but you are the one hurting! and i know you can see that too. i know that you know all of this. even if you won't admit it to yourself, you know it. you might lie to yourself and tell yourself what you need to hear, but the cold, dark reality is that you are just everything you say you aren't. and eventually everyone will catch on, just like i did. you are so see through... "i got your game, its so see through, you know i'm way too good for you...when its time to reminisce, you're gonna realize you miss this, you're in my mind for the last time, and at the most you were a pastime...i'm sick of all of your little lies, so sick of you, i'm sick of the rumors and the alibis, so sick of you, so sick of feeling bad by your side, what you dont know, is how great it feels, to let you go"
i dont actually believe all of that. i wouldn't say that i'm better than you, anyways, but maybe too good for you. anyways, too good for the way you act. but, mostly and for sure, she is too good for you. no doubt about that in my mind. i say that with every ounce of feeling i have because i really honestly believe that. you can think whatever you want. i so seriously wanted to gag when i read that message you sent. there was a loop hole in EVERY WORD YOU SAID!! and i know that is why you did it all the way you did. just the way he said what he needed to and hung up, you sent the message and blocked me. you know that there was a million and one loop holes, or whatever you wanna call them, in your message. you knew that i am smart enough to see them. and you didn't wanna hear what i would have to say.
funny how you apparently love me and will miss me. funny how none of this is your fault. if all that is true, you shouldn't have anything to be afraid of as far as my message back to you would've been. but i know that you are just saying those things. you know it too. i am not sad to see you go. you are right. when you wrote that you were wrong. i was gonna miss you. but after its all said and done...i wont miss you. i wont even miss what i thought you were, because its tainted. that memory and image is tainted. i can't believe the way you have treated her for so long and i never even knew. but its a good thing for you that you blocked me, because if you hadn't, you would've heard from me because now i know the truth. and trust me, everyone hears from me when they mess with someone close to me.
you're the only exception. and that is only cuz i have no way to contact you.

i prayed last night about this. maybe this is not the attitude Jesus would want me to have. but then i think about the way He spoke to people..i know i need to forgive. and in a sense i guess i already have. but at the same time, know that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. i won't keep playing your game and i won't allow you to be in my life at all. Is that Jesus like behavior? you would say no. but we don't serve the same Jesus. if its not the right attitude, i trust that He will show me. but for now, this is all i can do.

"I think i've wished on every star..."

"what do i really need love for
it leaves me heartbroken
leaves words unspoken
things i dont say
things i wont say
cuz i cant
you'd run away
and i cant...let that happen

oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,


i won't shift the blame
i know what part i played
and i also know that i'm done
get away from this game
as fast as i can run
it's not the same
its never the same

oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,

take a deep breath, breathe in the cool air
i didnt expect, to see you there
what are you doing
since when do you care
never stick around
broken unresolved
arguments and runnin away
left me with pieces of a heart to explain"


is anyone ever really your friend?? how can you tell?? i am so sick of being alone. so sick of thinking people are your friends. only to find out they're not. i am not blaming anyone or looking for sympathy, none of that. but... why does this keep happening? why do i get my hopes up time and time and time....and time again...only to have them be shot to the ground when the seemingly inevitable happens...? i want a friend whose shoulder i can cry on...and who i can laugh with. have a good time and make memories with. i want my facebook to be full of pictures of me and MY friends havin fun together...i wanna have friends to have fun with.
i want to have a friend to have sleepovers with and drink soda and stay up till 3 am and laugh hysterically over something that could only be funny to us.
and i wanna say that i know better than this. i wanna say that i don't need this...but i do. and like i said, i am not looking for sympathy from anyone that reads this. i'm not...i dont even know why i am posting this but, then, why do i ever post things on here?
i know that this is not a happy post. but it's a heartfelt one. it means something. and yea, i'll probably get over it. i usually do...i dont know what else to say...just know i'm really not asking anything of anyone, ok? thats why im hesitant to post this on here, because i dont want to appear manipulative, but if i am treating this blog sort of as my journal, as i subconsciously have been, then i shall post this...ok enough rambling... <3